


Becoming Okay.  1-10/10

by punky_96



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-19
Packaged: 2019-05-02 22:11:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 92,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14554614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/punky_96/pseuds/punky_96
Summary: Re-post from LJ.A re-write/fix it fic from the Erica says 'okay' point after Callie's 'slept with Sloan.  Twice' revelation and working around `Life During Wartime’ and `Rise Up’ until they are indeed Okay.  Better than okay, even :)





	1. Okay

**Becoming Okay**  
  
_“Okay.”_  
  
I told Callie `okay,’ what was I thinking?  Am I ok?  I am so not okay.  I am alone when we should be together.  I am isolated when I should be intimate.  I am okay when I am not really.  Okay, okay, okay.  I can do this.  I can finish this chart.  I can breathe.  I can drive home.  I can strip the bed of the sheets and the pillowcases.  I can throw the nightgown in the wash.  I can change the blanket.  I can wash the dishes from our dinner and I can take out the trash.  I can make it all new again.  I can breathe in fresh air.  I can lay down and…  
  
I am not okay.  This morning I realized that having a loving relationship with Callie was more meaningful than any other relationship I had ever had in 22 years of being an adult.  I realized the missing something wasn’t because I was too picky, or too headstrong, or too unavailable, or too ice queen.  No, that something I had always been missing, always found lacking, was because I wasn’t with someone who could touch me the way that Callie did.  I wasn’t with someone who knew me more than a friend ever could.  I wasn’t with someone who wanted to pressure me.  I wasn’t with someone who wanted to compete with me, or dominate me, or get anything from me.  With Callie, I was finally with someone who could get past all of that and who made me feel that we were truly two parts of the same being.  Yes, she was a woman.  Yes, it had made all the difference.  
  
I had never even thought of being with a woman.  Why would I have thought that?  Girls dated boys, got engaged to boys, got married to boys and they had babies (with those boys).  Or they didn’t—there was no other option, they just didn’t, and didn’t anything else either.  I wanted to be a cardiologist so I didn’t.  I thought that maybe a part of me wanted to (follow the date, engage, marry, baby plan), but I wanted to be a doctor more.  I wanted to be a lifesaving heart specialist.  I wanted to prove to the boys’ club that a woman could do all of that just as well as a man—even better in fact.  I dated, but nothing ever seemed to matter in comparison to my career.  My first love was surgery and anything that got in the way—well I cut it out of my life.  
  
_“Any chance you people want to get a drink with me?”  
“Why would we want to do that?”  
“She’s saying that she needs a friend.”_  
  
It wasn’t until Callie that someone didn’t get in the way and wanted to know me.  I had no reason to cut her out of my life and we worked together so I realized that it would be kind of rude anyway.  I had never counted on becoming so close with her.  Addison’s revelation shook Callie’s world, but it shattered mine.  Addison’s insight took Callie away from me, but then it gave her back to me in a completely new way.  
  
I should have realized that the beautiful rose would have thorns.  It’s only the biggest cliché ever, but I should have realized it.  Maybe I’m not cut out for what all of this means.  If Callie, or the love of a woman, can be this painful, maybe it’s not worth it?  I am the cardio kick ass ice queen Attila the Hahn and I am laying on an unmade mattress stripped bare mentally, emotionally and physically.  I breathe deep and let the sobs control me until I can feel sleep tugging at my brain.  
  
_“Dr. Torres.”  
“Dr. Hahn.  Anyone who can out drink me and still kick my ass at the dart board gets to call me Callie.”  
“Last night was actually fun, wasn’t it.”  
“Uh hmm.”  
“And I’m not a group person.”  
“Mmm.  Me neither.”  
“I think it’s because I generally don’t like people.”  
“Me neither.”  
_  
I get up and grab a blanket.  The temperature has dropped (or I’m in shock) and I put on sweats and a sweatshirt and fuzzy socks.  I curl in the blanket in the middle of my empty mattress.  I want sleep to come, but it is too silent and my breathing is too sad.  I can feel the tears waiting, asking permission to fall this time.  As I lay my head flat on the bare mattress, I remember that I woke this morning with the side of my head resting against Callie’s.  I can remember feeling her breath before I opened my eyes.  I can remember turning my face into her hair to smell her, to feel the heat of her skin on my lips.  I remember sliding my hand to her chest to feel her heart beat.  I sob and hold myself tightly in a ball wrapped in the blanket.  This morning Callie had taken my hand and kissed it to her.  She manoeuvred my palm and fingers the way she wanted until her nipples were erect and she could hear my breathing change in her ear.  Then she had guided my hand down to the edge of her nightgown and up under the fabric along her skin.  She had allowed me to play with her and to watch her become aroused.  Then she had turned into my kiss and demanded more.  This morning…  
  
Awesome.  It had been awesome.  We had moved past awkward and unsure and we were awesome.  The sound of the alarm gave us a timeline and we treasured our moments together.  On our backs and out of breath, and I was overcome with emotion and the rush of it all as I realized that I suddenly had the answers to questions I had never even thought to ask.  How else to explain it?  It was like not knowing that you needed glasses and then getting glasses and seeing just how badly you needed them.  
  
How was I to know that would scare the shit out of Callie?  I was so caught up in my own revelation and the happiness that it brought me, that she had brought me, there was no way for me to have known.  I stripped for her emotionally and physically.  She touched my heart and she touched my center.  When she parted my legs and made love to me, she changed my world.  I could only imagine the same for her.  
  
Callie left.  Blinded, I guess, by my shining revelation.  She left me and went to Mark Sloan.  She took him into where my heart had reached hers to prove something to herself.  She coated herself in him, but only came up lacking and then came to me with honesty and wanted absolution. Who was I to take that from her?  Okay.  You slept with him.  Okay.  Twice.  Okay.  
  
Not okay though.  What did Callie run from?  Would she run again?  What did she find with him?  She wants to be honest and to be with me, but she was with him all day and she sees flowers and leaves.  What did she learn then?  Can I bear this if she does it again?  
  
***  
  
I’m getting out of the elevator when Callie spots me.  I can see her coming down the landing of the main staircase and her eyes are trained on me.  I just need to get across the lobby and out the door.  Twenty steps should do it.  I let out the breath I had been holding once I reach the fresh air outside the hospital.  Unfortunately, she will not be shaken today and her hand is on my arm.  I stop and turn to her suddenly and she is taken by surprise by my motion as she is still preparing to keep up with me.  Her hand falls to her side.  She shifts awkwardly and searches my eyes with her own.  
  
“You’ve been avoiding me for days, Erica? What’s going on?”  
  
I tilt my head at her.  
  
“You said okay.  You said okay and I left thinking we were okay.  Why are you avoiding me?  You’ve been avoiding me for days.”  
  
“I have been trying...” I falter.  “I have been trying to see,” I pause and gesture with my hands, “the bigger picture. And I can’t see the bigger picture with you right here and the image of Mark Sloan over your shoulder.  But I need to see.  I need to see the bigger picture.”  And I gesture again with my hands, trying to show her the bigger picture that I can’t seem to show myself.  
  
“What?  What is that?”  Callie has gathered her lab coat tightly around her trying to protect herself against the chill of the air and the ice of my glare.  
  
“Callie.”  I purse my lips.  “I said okay, because you told me a fact and I accepted that fact.”  She has stepped back and her mouth is open in surprise.  “I didn’t say that it didn’t hurt.  I didn’t ask ‘how could you turn to him’.  I didn’t tell you how much you hurt me by shutting me out of how you were feeling.”  I can see her start to protest—the words formulating behind her eyes and trying to find their way to her mouth.  
  
I put my hand up to stop her.  “I didn’t say any of those things because I had already opened up to you. I had already told you the most earth-shattering thing I’ve ever figured out.  I had already experienced a whole new level of understanding and shared it with you.  And you shut me out.  You left without talking to me.  You avoided me for the most part, and apparently turned to the resident man-whore for advice again.  And then when you finally decided that you could be with me even after all of that, you came and confessed to me that you had slept with him not once, but twice.  So, I said ok, because really, what was I going to say Callie?”  A bitingly cold breeze swoops down past us and I shudder.  
  
Callie was hurried and determined before.  She was surprised when I stopped on a dime and faced her.  Now, she’s speechless and shaking a little.  Callie must have been spending the last few days deciding whether to talk to me or not, and how she would get my attention, but she hadn’t got past that.  She hadn’t thought anymore about my revelation, or her panic, or reaction to it.  It’s obvious from her face that there is no more to her plan—nothing next to say.  She opens her mouth to start a couple of times and she shifts her weight from her left to her right and back.  
  
“You became my friend when I didn’t want one.  You became my best friend despite my honest wish to not like people.  I leave my home life at home and my work life at work.  Which was fine, until you became my more than friend on accident.  You stumbled into my life and made me realize that I had been so unaware my whole life of what beauty could really be in the world.”  
  
“I thought through our friendship that you really knew me and had let me know you.  I thought that even though you freak out, we had come to an understanding and a place of comfort that we would share our fears together.  You came to me after Addison left.  You came to me after our first kiss.  You came to me after our first night together and you wanted to try again.  Talking to me always outweighed your fears or discomforts and I believed that you understood me.”  
  
“I had no idea that you wouldn’t feel the same, Callie.  I had no comprehension that this wonderful thing that we shared was not as amazing to you.  So when I realized that this was who I was, I had no reason to not share it with you.  I had no reason to put up walls, keep my thoughts to myself, or be guarded and uninvolved with you.”  
  
“But you didn’t see me, Callie.  You saw yourself.  You saw that you weren’t having the same moment, so you ran away.  You ran away to him, Callie.  To Mark Sloan.”  I touch my chest, pointing to myself and then I pointed back to the entrance of the hospital.  I can hear the hurt in my voice, but it doesn’t crack.  I am glad that Dr. Hahn is helping me to stay strong.  I can feel my cheeks heating up and my eyes beginning to water.  
  
“I never said you had to see leaves or leaves only.  I just wanted you to know that I had seen something in life that I had never seen before and that you were part of it.  It hurt me beyond belief to see you turn and run.  Then to see you at the end of the worst day I’ve ever had and find out that you tainted everything with not trusting me to help you or care about you or understand it was a fresh wound.  You tainted everything with fear and the touch of Mark Sloan.  I trusted you with my mind, my body and my heart, but you tainted us, you tainted me, you tainted yourself.  You didn’t want my emotions in the morning, so why would you have wanted them then in the evening?”  
  
“You want to be with me Callie and you have to be honest?  Where does that get us exactly?  You like baseball, Cal?  Is Mark first base and I’m second base and you’re in the middle, but before you get called out, you go back to the other base whichever that is?  Is that how it’s going to be Cal?”  I readjust my bag on my shoulder and tear my eyes from hers.  I can’t escape her beauty but I can’t just wait for her to hurt me.  I hear her sigh as I turn and I know she is torn standing at the scene of our first kiss and shivering with the uncertainty of it all again.  
  
***  
  
“Please.  Please stop walking away from me.”  I’d know Callie’s voice anywhere and could probably hear it all the way across the hospital, but I don’t want to.  Every time I hear it I hear something that I don’t want to hear.  I get another three steps away, but the image of her approaching me full of nerves, wonder, and desire like the first night stops me.  I stop, but do not turn to face her.  It’s all I can do.  I put my fists in my lab coat pockets and set my jaw.  It’s the least I can do really, and the most.  
  
Her warmth behind me makes me think of how her skin feels and I close my eyes.  “I get that I messed up.  I get that you shared the most intimate moments of your life with me and I trashed them.  But I’m not going anywhere.  I told you I get all ahhh and then all clingy.  I’m still all ahhh, but I know that I want to be with you Erica.  I know that I may see leaves and flowers, but that I want to be with you.  So please realize that.  And, if you have to then okay, make me work to be with you, but please, let me try, let me try to be with you.”  Her fingertips lightly graze my lab coat and I take a painful breath.  
  
I put my hand to my forehead.  This is just too much.  Too much really.  I turn to look at her and am consumed by her big beautiful brown eyes as they search my face for any hint, any chance of peace with me.  I close my eyes and breathe deep hoping that some clarity will come in with the fresh air.  I open my eyes and lock my blue onto her brown and shake my head slightly.  Her mouth opens slightly and her face is awash with emotions.  It is like the day she kissed me when she couldn’t find the words, but told me everything with her lips, tongue, caress and her eyes.  And I can’t help, but hand her the power to hurt me all over again.  
  
I lock my eyes on hers, “We are not okay.  But we’ll see.”  I lean down to kiss her and it is so gentle that it takes my breath away as all of the emotions wash over me again.  I stiffen as Callie begins to return the kiss and I pull away.  
  
Callie holds me close to her, but when she looks in my eyes she releases me.  I am sure that she can see the tears there, welling up and waiting to fall.  I don’t want to do this again.  I don’t want to cry and have her run away.  I told Bailey, “No one likes a girl who gets emotional.”  I learn lessons the hard way, but I do learn them the first time and never forget them.  I do not like how this all feels because it feels like I didn’t learn my lesson the first time.  But Callie doesn’t flinch.  Her eyes glisten too and I wonder if maybe she does see me, even if she sees both leaves and flowers.  Maybe she sees `me’ and maybe that’s enough.  
  
She leans in again and kisses me gently on the lips.  
  
“I have to go.”  I whisper.  
  
_“Hey.  I wanted to see if you wanted to grab a drink.”  
“Maybe we could um…  I had something I wanted to talk to you about.”  
“Erica, I’m saying something here.  I just… I wanted to say…  I just wanted to say…”  
_  
***  
  
Coffee:  hot  & fresh is thrust in my face like a dead gopher brought in by a cat to its owner.  It is a peace offering.  It is the token gesture of things to come.  It is the offer of beads in order to make the sale of land.  I breathe deep and purse my lips.  I do not want to be the one that gets swindled and my guard is up.  “What’s this?”  I say pointing to the coffee as I turn to Callie.  
  
She is smiling at me.  Damn her megawatt smile and sparkling eyes.  Why can’t I just hate her for also being my heartbreaker, my love taker?  Oh god, I’m hearing Joan Jett in my head now.  I’m officially so, so, so gay.  But here she is in all of her Callie glory trying to be with me and be with me honestly.  
  
“Coffee.”  She smirks pointing to the cup.  Then her eyes find mine and she flashes serious, “Dinner later?”  
  
“Dinner.”  I could do that.  I get to choose though, “Thai?”  
  
“Yes.”  She beams at me and I can’t help but smile weakly back at her.  Apparently, I can’t stay mad at her.  Is that why Joan Jett said she `hates herself for loving you’?  Is this what she was talking about?  Then Callie leans in close to me and in a low whisper, “Call it a date?”  
  
“Hmm.  Maybe.”  Moth to the flame, right?  I know and yet I still can’t avert my eyes or cut my own heart out because it’s misbehaving.    
  
Callie sees the weakness and pounces with a smile.  “A date, date.  Restaurant, candlelight, bottle of wine.  At the end of the evening I try to take your clothes off.”  Oh. My. God.  She didn’t just say that and what it means and wait, wasn’t that what I said to her when I asked her out?  
  
“Hey.  Wasn’t that my line?”  


“Yes, it was.  It worked though, so I thought I’d bring it back to you.  7pm?”  She’s smiling and I can’t help but smile back.  It’s Callie, she’s irresistible, but I don’t want to resist her anyway.  
  
“Seven it is then.  Lobby?”  How can I be so agreeable?  What’s wrong with me?  
  
“You bet.  I’ve gotta go.  Enjoy the coffee.”  And Callie’s off like a flash taking her smirk with her and leaving me staring at her curves as she saunters down the hall.  As she rounds the corner she stops just a little and catches me looking at her.  I look away and hear her giggle.  I turn and head in the opposite direction to find Yang but run headlong into Bailey.  My happy little song comes to a sudden halt.  She’s looking at me like she did the other day when she caught me staring at Callie before our first date.  
  
I sigh deeply and apologize.  I apologize for running into her and I apologize for being such a colossal bitch the other day with the inoperable tumor on the girl.  She is surprised.  I notice this and make a note to myself to continue to try to be gentler with my co-workers.  I have been teaching more and talking to the chief about what to do differently, but it hasn’t been very long and the Ice Queen image doesn’t melt overnight, at least not at work.  
  
***  
  
Callie drives me back home.  She had insisted on dropping my car off and going on our date in her car.  She wanted it to be a real date as if she had picked me up and everything.  I halfway expected flowers and was glad that she didn’t have any for me.  I think I would have been a little embarrassed.  I go to get out of the car and she rushes around to help me out.    
  
It is hard to gauge where to stand to help someone out of a car because the position changes.  By the time I am out of the car we are face to face and a silent whisper of electricity is around us.  “Can I kiss you?”  She breathes out and I can feel it on my face.  It is like her words have already kissed me and the permission that I need to give her has already been granted.   My hands rush to her face and I crush my lips to hers.  Fighting for domination in the kiss trails off in favor of teasing.  My hands slide down her back and rest on her hips.  Hers are around my neck.  We are still standing in the doorway of the car.  She smiles at me as her eyes search mine and she knows that I want more.  
  
“Thanks for the date, Callie.”  I say in a breathy whisper.  
  
“No, if this was a date then I get to come in and try to take your clothes off.  You agreed, remember?”  Oh, she is a sly one.  But I did agree, and my body is begging for more of her, anything she’ll give me.  
  
“Well, you can try.”  I say dryly and sidestep out of her embrace.  “I guess you need to come in to make it official and everything.”  I start to walk towards the front door.  She slams the car door and her fingers are interlaced in mine in a flash.  
_  
“There’s lots of undiscovered territory above the belt.  Uh, we can take it slow maybe just first base.”  
“Ok.  Whoo.  Thank you.”  
“Finish my wine.  I’m going to look at the menu for a minute while your blood pressure drops back down to normal.”  
“Erica.  Maybe second base too.”  
_  
***  
  
It’s a habit.  When I come in from work or anywhere I put my stuff down on the chair by the door, walk to the bar counter and put down my keys, take off my watch, and go to the bedroom to hang up my jacket.  I do the same thing now almost forgetting about Callie.  She has been over so often that I just come into the house and she closes the door and locks it.  Usually she heads into the kitchen to get us glasses of wine.  
  
Tonight when I turn to leave the walk-in closet in my bedroom, Callie is there.  She sweeps me into a kiss full of passion and desire.  Her arms around my waist pull me close to her so that I am crushed against her.  It’s amazing how our bodies interlock like they were made for each other.  My nipples harden under my shirt and my knees shake a little as my center throbs for her all over again.  
  
Her eyes gaze into mine in search of answers.  I only have one answer for her though as I walk her backward to the bed; my hands pulling her shirt up over her head and reaching around to undo her bra.  She gasps as we fall to the bed and my body brushes against her.  She greedily grabs at my shirt - hungry to feel my flesh on her own.  I really should be making this harder on her, but I need her and I need this.  I need to find a way to make this okay.  


I straddle her as we sit up on the bed her mouth moving to my nipples her hands everywhere.  She alternates palming and pinching my breast with her hand and licking, biting and sucking my other breast with her mouth.  I throw my head back and moan lowly before I dive back down to her and rake my nails on her back hard.  Callie moans into my mouth as I crush her lips with a kiss.    
  
Her hands cup my ass as I reach down for her jeans button and zipper.  She pushes me off of her to the side and sheds her pants as she climbs over me.  I reach for her and she comes up over me to give me a kiss and her hardened nipples graze my own causing us both to moan.  Then her fingers are beneath my waistband as she undoes my pants and slides them down my body. The tips of her fingers send shivers repeating across my skin.  
  
She lifts my left leg over her shoulder as her mouth descends to my center and I instinctively grab the sheets… the pillow… the edge of the mattress - anything.  She pauses and I gasp looking to her.  I see her eyes are full of lust as I look down my body at her as her mouth hovers over my center.  She blinks slowly and smiles at me.  I can’t take my eyes from her and I don’t know if I can even smile back, but she lowers her mouth to my center and begins to lap at my clit in a way that is sure to send me out of my mind.  Somehow, I feel that she is sure and confident and telling me that we will be okay.  I cry out more than her name when she uses her fingers and she keeps them steady on me as she crawls up my body to be face to face with me as I come back to her.    
  
“Erica.”  “Callie.”  
  
We say each other’s name at the same time and smile.  It is a sated happy smile and instead of talking we kiss.  I don’t want that kiss to ever end.  It starts out slowly and builds in intensity.  I know that she has to be as wet as I am and I reach down to move her hand.  I shudder all over again as her fingers pull away and she catches my ecstasy with her mouth and holds me hard to her.    
  
I roll over onto her, my left leg sliding between hers and I hold myself over her on my right arm.  I rub my body along hers my wetness meeting hers and my nipples brushing against hers.  I crush her lips with a kiss and my lefthand trails down to the wetness between her legs.  Her leg reflexively pushes up into my center so that my wetness is on her thigh and I tremble a little knowing what we are doing to each other and how intimate it is.  


When my fingers teach and touch her sex, she thrusts her leg against me.  Her knee rises up to the side of us as I slowly build her passions toward ecstasy.  I can feel her muscles around my fingers.  I stop and lower my face to hers.  “Look at me.  I want to see you come.”  
  
Her eyes flash open and her hand grips the arm that I am propped on.  She bites her bottom lip and stares into my eyes with her own.  Our eyes stay locked as we move again.  My thumb rubs against her clit.  She does not break eye contact with me and it is the most amazing and intense thing I have ever experienced.  As she comes her thigh thrusts against my center and it is all the encouragement I need to come with her.  I lay by her side in a breathless heap and smile as she curls to me.  
  
_“This is like needing glasses.”_  
  
***  
  
I wake to the feel of breathing against my cheek and an arm across my stomach.  I do not open my eyes.  I want to prolong the dream as long as possible.  It feels so real that I do not want to face the heartbreaking reality that it is all a dream.  But then Callie grumbles in her sleep changing the breathing sound and the arm on my stomach bends resting across my whole torso with fingers on my breast lazily sweeping back and forth across my now very awake nipple.  I can’t pretend anymore, so I open my eyes waiting for the reality to hit me over the head.  
  
Instead of crushing reality, I look down to see her caramel colored arm dark against my pale white skin.  The covers have slid back because of the extra warmth we made together.  I risk turning my head to face her, but she doesn’t wake.  I brush my lips against hers and in her sleep, she smiles, holds me tighter and sighs, “Erica.”  Before settling against me once again.  
  
We are awesome.  She is awesome.  My whole world is a better place because of her, and yet she is the axe that can bring it all crashing down.  The other morning, we woke together and made love.  We smiled and celebrated moving on to awesome, because we had started out a little unsure and uncertain.  That morning though, it all became clear.  At least to me.  I saw that Callie was what I had been waiting for my whole life.  I saw that Callie was what I had guarded myself so heavily against all my life.  I saw that she could hurt me beyond belief with one scared look and hasty footsteps.  
  
_“No one likes a girl who gets emotional.”_  
  
A wave of pain washes over me again and I am certain that I shouldn’t have let Callie come home with me.  I am certain that I should not have just let her in.  I am certain that while I am clear, she is confused, scared even.  I am also certain that I cannot help her through this.  She has made that abundantly clear and so all I can do is see how it will turn out and how much she will hurt me this time.  
  
I sigh and shake my head.  It’s time to get up.  Callie grumbles in her sleep but I place the body pillow I had discarded the night before and lay it down where I was.  I put her arms around it and rub her back a little.  She settles into it, snuggling and making it warm.  “Erica.”  She sleepily mumbles and I am afraid at first that she has woken up and caught me in my trick, but she lets out some happy little sighs and does not rustle anymore.  
  
I take a shower in the front bathroom.  I want to clear my head a little.  There is so much that I need to tell Callie.  I need certain things too.  I can’t have another day like before.  I can’t bear to have her freak out, go to Sloan, and then come back to me like this is a giant game of pong.  I put on a button up blouse that I had grabbed from the closet and a pair of panties.  I contemplate going to get my slippers, but I just don’t want to go back in the bedroom and face whatever this morning will bring with Callie.  
  
I need her to be with me.  I need her to be okay that I’m a lesbian.  It’s a shock.  A shock to me, a shock to her, and it will be a shock to everyone I’ve ever known.  But I’m all the way in this.  I don’t want to scare Callie off, but I need her to be all the way in this with me or not at all.  The pain of that morning, that day, that evening, the days of avoiding her and being angry with her—I can’t keep doing that over and over again.  It’s like a terminally ill heart patient coming in for procedure after procedure.  Sometimes I want to tell them to sign a DNR form so that they don’t have to suffer anymore.  It’s cold on the one hand, but it will limit their suffering on the other.  I do not like seeing the same patient over and over and watching their deterioration.  It doesn’t happen often, but the few that have come in over the years, well, it is heartbreaking.  I need to sign my own DNR for this thing with Callie.  No extreme measures to be taken to revive it if she freaks out again.  Measures yes, but not extreme ones.  
  
***  
  
Breakfast is almost done when Callie comes up behind me.  I startle a little and drop the spatula into the pan.  “Hey.  What are you doing?” Her lips whisper against my neck.  I close my eyes.  It is about to begin, the morning after conversation and all the angst it might entail.  I need to keep cool and not get my hopes up so that I won’t be disappointed.  I open my eyes and turn a little, which she follows and we are almost face-to-face.  
  
Callie has sleepy eyes and dorky bed hair and I melt a little. She looks concerned though.  “Good morning.”  I tell her and smile.  This is enough to reassure her and she smiles before leaning in to kiss me.  It is slow and beautiful.  It is the right way to wake up and I can’t believe it.  
  
“How come you didn’t stay with me?”  She says biting her bottom lip and holding the small blanket to her.  I see that she has found a t-shirt of mine and the blanket.  It is an odd fashion statement, but she is truly gorgeous standing there questioning me with her eyes.  
  
I sigh and she looks apprehensive.  “Callie, the other morning I freaked you out.  It’s okay that you freaked out, but how you handled it wasn’t.  This morning I freaked out.  I have a hard time limiting myself around you.  We’ve spent so much time tearing down walls of trust that I don’t know how to hold back with you anymore.  I don’t want to freak you out, but I don’t want to get hurt either.”  
  
Callie reaches out to me and pets my arm with her hand.  The blanket half drops from around her and I close my eyes.  She pushes against me and brings her hand to my face.  I open my eyes to find hers waiting for me.  “I’m so sorry, Erica.  I handled it wrong.  I know I did.  I was overwhelmed and over thinking and…  It doesn’t excuse anything.  It doesn’t excuse the way I left you and hurt you.  I wish I could have been the best friend in that moment so that I could have been there for you.  I wish that I wasn’t the crazy `motherland is scary’ girl.  I don’t want to hurt you.  I want to be with you.  Only you, Erica.”  
  
She pats my cheek and then holds it while she pulls me to her for a gentle kiss.  When I pull back, I start to wipe away the tears, but she drops the blanket completely and brings both of her hands to my cheeks to wipe them away for me.  It’s her way of accepting my hurt and saying she’s sorry with her touch.  I blink a few times and the tears stop.  


“Go sit down.”  I tell her, turning to the breakfast that is done.  She picks up the blanket and goes to sit down at the table in the sunlight.  I feel better, but still nervous.  How can things change so quickly, from minute to minute and from dark to sunlight?  I turn to bring her a plate of food and catch that she’s been watching me.  The tip of her finger is dancing along her lips and as she glances up from my thighs, hips, breasts, and to my face, she realizes she’s been caught and bites that naughty fingertip gently with a smile.  I drop the plate of food and she laughs.  
  
I shake my head picking up the mess quickly.  Then I get another plate of food and two forks.  I figure that she can share at least and I don’t want to risk carrying two plates at the same time.    
  
“What are you concerned about Erica?  Why did you leave me this morning?”  
  
“You freaked out because I was so sure of what I saw the other day.  And it seems that you didn’t see the same thing as me.”  I pause making sure to not run things together, gauging her reactions.  “What were you trying to figure out though?”  
  
“Erica, I don’t want to talk about that.  I know I hurt you and I’m sorry.”  
  
“No, Callie.  The hurt isn’t the issue right now.  You needed Sloan to help you figure something out.  What is it that you needed to figure out and what conclusion did you come to?”  
  
“I came to the conclusion that I want a relationship with you Erica.  I know that I don’t want to lose you or lose what we had.  I am scared of it, but I can’t walk away from you or lose you.”  
  
“And Sloan?”  
  
“Erica.”  
  
“Unfortunately, we have to go through this Callie.  I can’t wake up in bliss-ville with you and then have you poke holes in it, only to have you come back again.  I can’t kind of have a wonderful relationship with you, and then have you go off and kind of have a relationship with Sloan.”  
  
“I, Erica, I.”  
  
“Oh, Callie.  I’m a lesbian.  I’m happy when I’m with you, but I can’t stand the pain of what you could be doing when I’m not with you.  I can’t live like that.  So, you need to decide.”  I stand and take the plate to the sink.  I turn to go down the hall and get ready.  I’m not sure what I’m getting ready for but hanging out half-naked and with my heart lying on the table is becoming uncomfortable.  
  
Callie jumps up from the table when she sees me going toward the hall and she catches me from the side in a hard hug.  I can’t get away and I don’t want to—I want to know what she’s decided.  “I’m kind of in a relationship with you.  I am not in any relationship with Sloan.  I’m all about you, Erica, just you.  I’m not a lesbian, or gay, or I don’t know what.  I do know that I am all about you.”  
  
***  
  
I am a workaholic; in many ways I am an ice queen, which is not to say that I don’t have a heart.  I work incredibly hard and have incredible standards because that’s what I had to do.  I chose hard work in a man’s field instead of the wedding and a baby route. I had to throw myself into my work, because I had to be twice as good as the boys to get half of the recognition.  Personally, I had to throw myself into my work because the boys that I tried to date were always intimidated by me or wanted me to slow down or stop eventually.  I only know how to move forward, to excel, to be the best and keep my edges sharp.  I do not have a lot of speeds.   I see things and move towards them.  My work is life or death, which is fairly hard-core by definition, and I have become hard-core as well.  Ethics are as important for me as having a patient’s heart beat again.  
  
Personally, ethics are what drove me to follow my heart and mind into becoming a doctor.  Ethics are what define my profession and ensure there is equality and humanity.  Our responsibilities as doctors go to the patient first, and then society, other health professionals, and to us last.  This is the code we live by, it is not law, but it is the standard by which we conduct ourselves in order to be honorable.    
  
I am not required to be an ice queen to do my job, but it has made difficult decisions easier.  If I am not attached to a patient, then I cannot make emotional decisions that could jeopardize their care.  If I am not emotionally involved with co-workers then I can focus only on their performance.  If I stay true to my ethics and my dedication to putting the patient first and foremost, then I can save the life I came to save more often than not.  I am unrelenting personally and professionally because I have seen the devastation that can be caused otherwise.  
  
I have rejected Christina Yang because she was blinded by her love of cardio so much so that she handicapped her general surgery knowledge, and because she became personally involved with her mentor co-worker and it affected her professionally and personally.  I kicked Bailey out of my OR because her son was there and it would have been impossible to give her son the best care with her in the room.  I know that she didn’t want to understand and has held it against me for some time, but it was what I had to do to ensure little Tuck’s priority first and foremost.  I rebuffed Mark Sloan’s advances because we worked together.  A relationship at work has no place because it distracts from patient care.  
  
Callie wasn’t supposed to happen.  I struggle with the idea that Callie has happened, and part of me is very angry that I could have been so naive.  Given all of the recent revelations and actions since Addison’s visit I should have known that there was indeed something going on and I could have removed myself from the situation.  Here is where the anger comes—I didn’t remove myself from the situation when I could have and I should now, but I can’t seem to.  In cases like this I mentally turn to my younger self and ask my own advice.  I think that my younger self would say that I should leave this hospital.  Either leave the hospital and continue with Callie or stop with Callie and stay.  Of course, my younger self points out, “Stopping with Callie wouldn’t really be stopping with Callie, you still work together and go so well together you’re like magnets.”  
  
Sigh.  So many big sighs lately.  Today I have the most personal case I’ve ever had.  Mike has been a heart patient of mine for several years now.  He has been hovering at the top of the donor list for an excruciatingly long time.  I had him ready for surgery years ago when he was up for a transplant.  Only I had to come to him with the news that not only was he not getting the heart, but that I was leaving to go put his heart into someone else.  It broke my heart that everything had not lined up for him that day, but there was nothing I could do short of creating a new donor heart out of Preston Burke or his intern.    
  
Mike has come in today in the hopes that I can buy him some time.  Mike’s next heart attack is waiting to happen, and it will be fatal without this procedure.  His heart’s normal flow of electricity has short circuited and it is not following the pattern it should but is instead flowing back and forth in the same pathways repeatedly.  The cardiac ablation we will do today will determine where the damaged tissue is and then destroy it.  Mike will need to be awake during the procedure and responsive.  I will need to monitor him, watch the catheters and injection.  I chose Stevens and Grey because they work well together and have both been successful on my service.  Stevens additionally has a knack for patient care that borders on overkill, but since I’ll be there to stare her down, I am confident that she will be great at Mike’s side coaching him through this.  
  
I was not prepared for Stevens to freak out and runaway.  I was not prepared to deal with some kind of crazy personal issue, especially on the one case that I am personally attached to out of my whole career.  I was not prepared for Meredith Grey to defend her to me or for her words to echo in my head as I stalk the hallways and glare at people.  I had counted on Stevens, I had counted on someone to help me today and she can’t or won’t.  I need someone to coach him through this so that I can remain detached and focused and monitor the procedure from a safe professional distance and she freaks out and runs away?  Stevens has a history with my patient?  
  
_“In a weird way, Izzie does too.”  
“A history?  With my patient?”  
“No, with Denny Duqeutte.”_  
  
***  
  
I am not looking for Callie when I find her on the staircase landing.  But I have a small hope that she can give me some perspective.  She has been here at Seattle Grace longer and either knows the people here or knows about them.  Of course, she is my friend turned, lover, I guess, and she has her own set of problems with me, but right now I just need some professional perspective.  
  
“Hey.”  I start and she responds in kind.  I can tell she’s busy and want to make it clear this is a professional conversation from the get go.  No dancing around who we are to each other right here right now.  “Let me ask you something.”  
  
“Uh, hum.”  
  
“Do you know if Izzie Stevens had some sort of a relationship with Denny Duquette?”  Callie laughs, but is startled by my somber reaction.  I shake my head at her questioning with my whole body.  
  
Callie is flippant, “Well, do you mean besides the engagement, oh, and the cutting of his LVAD wires?  So, she could move him up the transplant list?”  She stops to look at me finally and stops a little.  “What?  You didn’t know about this?”  Then almost full of glee she adds, “Izzie was on probationary leave.  She was like nearly kicked out of the program.”  She pauses for a second gauging my reaction.  “I forgot you weren’t here then.”  
  
Callie is giddy that Izzie was punished.  She is focused on something else entirely and doesn’t even comprehend the ethics problem her own words indicate or see my reaction.  It is just a matter of fact that Izzie needed to be punished.  It is a funny scandal here at Seattle Grace.  I, on the other hand had to tell a patient and his family that I was not performing life altering surgery on him and that he would have to suffer on the transplant list indefinitely.  I suffered because there was nothing I could do for Mike and he was so close it hurt.  My anger at the situation rises and unfortunately it is directed at Callie.  Harshly I tell her, “No.  I wasn’t.  I was at another hospital watching my patient’s heart get stolen out of the donor’s chest.”  I shake my head and walk off.  
  
It was just supposed to be a professional conversation to clarify Izzie Stevens’ behavior.  But it became a mushroom cloud of destruction.  Izzie Stevens violated everything in one move and hurt so many people in the process.  Callie apparently accepts this immoral behavior in a colleague, as does everyone else here at Seattle Grace.  Callie couldn’t have told me in such a jovial way about it if that wasn’t the case.  Callie couldn’t even see the effect her words were having on me or think to ask why I would even be questioning her about Izzie Stevens and Denny Duquette.  
  
No, this professional conversation managed to hit the code button on every issue I’ve had here at Seattle Grace.  I transferred to what I thought was a top hospital.  I have stayed out of the personal relationship grinder while I watched colleagues shuffle the deck on love.  I have held residents and interns up to exacting standards so that they will achieve their best in the future.  I have changed how I teach to a gentler style.  I am working on that, but it is a long process.  I have fought as hard as I could for every patient I can.  I have only wavered personally and professionally once in 14 years of practice and that has been with Callie.  And now Callie tells me all of this in a fun gossip kind of way without regard to how it may affect me.   
  
What kind of personal hell have I found myself in?  
  
_“Well, do you mean besides the engagement, oh, and the cutting of his LVAD wires?  So, she could move him up the transplant list?”  
“What?  You didn’t know about this?”  
“Izzie was on probationary leave.  She was like nearly kicked out of the program.”_  
  
***  
  
I walk into the control room where the chief is laughing hysterically as he is apparently enjoying torturing George down below with the medical robot.  I am unnerved by the fact that he is having such a great time, while I am having the worst day ever.  I should never have left Mercy West to come here and find the hornets’ nest that is Seattle Grace.  “Chief, I have to talk to you.”  
  
He’s still laughing.  “Hey, Hahn, come in.  I want you to watch this.”  He’s still laughing.  Then he turns to the robot technician, “Hey. Look.  Let’s blow an artery.”  Then into the microphone, “I’m bleeding out.  I’m bleeding out.”  
  
“It’s about Izzie Stevens and Denny Duquette.”  
  
He stops laughing.  
  
***  
  
By the time, we enter his office my rage is at a boiling point.  How could he be the chief of this hospital and not know about all of this?  Or worse how could he be the chief of this hospital, the one that I work at, and in fact know about it?  My words come out in a rush as the door is still slamming behind me.  “How is Stevens still working here?  How is Seattle Grace still accredited?  This whole thing goes unreported?  It’s no wonder this place is number 12.  What kind of hospital are you running?”  
  
“Stop right there.”  He tries to quiet me, but there’s no stopping this train.  
  
“I want an ethics review panel assembled.  I want Stevens’ role in this investigated and Bailey’s as well because she was her supervisor.”  The passion has ramped up my voice in tone and volume.  I can’t believe what kind of nightmare I have found or that I have staked my professional life working for a man who can let this happen.  After all the difficult decisions I’ve made to choose work over a personal life, to choose being an ice queen instead of a people pleaser—and I have come to work here at Seattle Grace for a man who let’s immoral practices happen under his nose?  I am surprised that he hasn’t burst into flames because of my famous icy blue death glare.  
  
“Slow down, Erica.”  
  
“No!  My patient lost a heart over this Richard.  Someone is damn well going to lose their job.”    
  
“Stop!  We’re not digging this up.  It didn’t go unreported.  It was reported to me.  I dealt with it.  Stevens was punished.  She’s learned from her mistakes.  And she is on her way to becoming an excellent surgeon.  That’s the kind of hospital that I am running.  Now this issue has been laid to rest.  It’s in the past and that’s where it’s gonna stay.”  His is quiet anger.  He has sat with these moral questions for some time and he has had to defend himself from all sides.  I have hit hard and hit personally questioning his hospital, his leadership, his morals, his staff, and his precious transplant certification and hospital rankings.  I have put it all on him and he throws back quiet anger at me.  
  
“It is not in the past for me.  It is lying on a bed in the ICU about to die.”  I will not give up.  Patient care is first and foremost for me.  And that patient is Mike.  I need the chief to see that this is professional and personal.  He has to understand that Mike’s life has been endangered because of the irresponsible practices of Izzie Stevens and everyone else up the chain of command who did nothing to change the situation including him—Chief Richard Webber.  
  
He is not going to bite at that, instead he turns the tables to me, and as chief puts me in my place as a doctor.  “Then your only responsibility is to make sure that doesn’t happen.”  
  
I almost cry but turn and leave Richard’s office.  
  
_“This issue has been laid to rest.  It’s in the past and that’s where it’s gonna stay.”_

 

 

…


	2. Lean into the Fear

Becoming Okay—part 2  
  
_“Dr. Hahn, I came to apologize and ask if I could please be let off your service.”  
  
“No.  If I can convince Mike to have another ablation, you’re gonna have to be there to see him through; to look him in the eye; to help him through the pain that you have caused him.  And, if he dies, I want you there for that too because you’re responsible.”_  
  
I didn’t convince Mike to have another ablation, she did.  Izzie Stevens went in and delivered the right speech for her and the right speech for him.  She connected with him and guided him to a better medical decision as I had originally requested her to do.  She worked for his better medical future despite her personal pain.  In that moment, she worked for his benefit first and foremost as she swore to do the day she became a doctor.  
  
But that doesn’t save her for me.  Her pretty words today got Mike to do what he needed to do to buy him more time.  But her actions three years ago are the reason he has had to suffer on borrowed time as we stave off the inevitable with procedure after procedure.  Her actions broke the code we live by, the code that we swear ourselves to.  What does it matter that she hasn’t done anything else like that?  What does it matter that she has good speeches and can connect with the patient and even has some surgical skills?  In the end does that matter to Denny Duquette?  Does that matter to Mike and his family?  Does that matter to any of the people that each of those affected in the last three years?  Denny wasn’t stable for that heart transplant because of what she did and it cost him his life and it cost Mike and his family three years that could have been spent outside of a hospital.  
  
The chief was right; my responsibility today only goes to my patient.  I kept him alive today.  My responsibility may be satisfied, but my conscience will not leave it there.  I need to understand what happened because it can’t happen again.  Richard hired me because of my integrity and reputation, surely, he has to understand my need to know what happened if I am to continue to work here for him and with Izzie Stevens.  
  
I need to get away from here.  I need to let all the pieces fall and look to them to find a pattern.  This day needs to be over and I have postponed everything already scheduled for the next couple of days.  I need to take a step back and analyze myself, my actions, my ethics, my motivations, and everything affecting them like:  Callie, Seattle Grace and the mess within.  
  
***  
  
I should be happy that Callie ends up walking out with me.  However, I am not looking forward to dealing with how she has just accepted the immoral behavior of her colleague, because it stains onto her.  I am in the silent bubble of a long thoughtful day, but here she is.  Here she is to not only make me deal with professional issues, here she is in all of her beautiful personal glory to remind me that we have our own issues to still resolve.  She wants to be with me, but I want to know if she’s with me completely or if she’s in some kind of limbo.  
  
“So, how’s your patient doing?”  Callie is cautious.  She has figured out by now that I am having a bad day.  She had to have heard about my patient Mike, and the whole connection back to Izzie Stevens and Denny Duquette.  
  
It is odd, for the first time in a long while, I do not want to talk to Callie.  I do not want to talk about Mike to Callie.  I keep it brief, muting out all of my background emotions and thoughts, “Well, he still needs a heart but I bought him some time.”  
  
“Good.  I’m glad.”  
  
She’s glad.  How nice.  I feel the anger rise before I can harness it or control it.  “I went to the chief about Izzie Stevens and he completely shut me down.”  I shake my head remembering how giddy he was until I told him what I wanted to talk about.  The anger burns in the back of my eyes and I blink hard.  “Well, we’ll see what he says when I report this to UNOS.”  
  
Callie stops, shocked at my words. “Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Wait.  Why?  What good would come of that?”  She’s laughing and it is unbelievable to me.  She doesn’t even seem to see why I would even be upset.  I realize I have anger for her as well because she can’t even see a dilemma here.  I am disappointed.  
  
“What do you mean?” I counter.  How can she not see the good of having a transplant center that acts to the highest standard?  That’s why the standards exist.  
  
“What possible good would it do?  I mean would it benefit your patient’s outcome?  Or?”  
  
“My patient wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her.”  
  
Callie is defensive.  I’ve threatened the hospital and by extension her.  She wants to laugh it off or away.  “So, you’re gonna report this to UNOS and cost this hospital its transplant certification?  Cost our patients organs?  Cost people their jobs?  Cost Izzie Stevens her career?”  
  
I needed Callie to understand.  I needed her to see where I was coming from.  I didn’t need her to share my anger, just to understand a little and recognize the personal impact this has had on me.  Instead, she has gotten defensive because I am upset by something that is old news to her.  Instead, she has defended Stevens’ immoral actions and the cover up.  My face is on fire and that same fire is in my belly.  “So, you’re taking Izzie Stevens’ side in this?  Over mine?”  
  
“She’s a doctor.  One of our doctors.  There’s a reason we have each other’s backs, Erica.”  This is about banding together regardless of morality?  
  
I cut her off, “Oh, please.  Do not talk to me about a code, cause this is not that.”  
  
“No, this is that.”  How could she be so blind to the bigger picture?  
  
I shake my head.  
  
Callie, she is making eye contact with me and is very serious.  I think she realizes that she needs to explain how she is at peace with the situation. “Look.  I don’t know what happened between Izzie Stevens and Denny Duquette that night, but unless you were in the middle of that situation I don’t see how you can make a judgment.”  
  
The anger strikes like a snake, but its words take all of my issues and roll them together in a sudden painful, illogical, incomprehensible way.  “Easy.  There’s right and there’s wrong.  And this, this was wrong.  And illegal.  There is no gray area here.  You can’t kind of think this is ok.  You can’t kind of side with Izzie Stevens.  And you can’t kind of be a lesbian.”  
  
There’s a horrible pause.  What did I just say?  How did this go from Izzie Stevens to Callie and me?  I only thought I was in hell before.  Callie swallows and looks at me like I’ve just kicked her knees from her and she’s angry about it.  “Yes, I can.”  She says—and it’s too much for me, too much of a jumble, too much of a puzzle, too many jagged throbbing hurting pieces to put back together.  
  
I shake my head, “I can’t believe I didn’t know this.”  I am talking about her.  I am talking about how I held Callie in such high esteem and thought she had the same dedication and strict professional principles that I did.  
  
“Erica, the chief is right.”  She is talking about the chief and handling the situation.  She is trying to help me see that there is more than what I know and that the chief has handled the situation, which is his responsibility.  
  
I am stuck on her though and I can’t believe that she has not gotten it yet.  I can’t believe that with all the ups and downs our little relationship has shared she doesn’t get that I needed her today.  I needed her to talk with me and to explain to me and guide me.  I needed her to be with me, which she has fought for, and she wasn’t there.  I cut her with my words trying to make it clear.  “No.”  This isn’t about the chief anymore.  It’s about, “You.”  
  
Callie stops talking.  
  
My hurt and anger allow the words to fall from my mouth, cutting again at her, trying to give her the hurt that I feel, “I don’t know you at all.”  
  
I turn and walk away to my car.  
  
***  
  
I told Callie `I don’t know you at all,’ what was I thinking?  Of course, I know her.  I am angry at the world, but I know her.  Why is it we lash out at the ones we love?  Callie wasn’t in the room with Izzie and Denny Duquette.  She knows the rumors of what happened, but not the cold hard reality.  Like me, she has trusted the chief to investigate and make decisions about the running of this hospital.  I cannot hold her responsible for what most likely happened with Duquette.  I hurt her and I shouldn’t have.  Why?  
  
With every symptom, there is a cause of some kind.  I hurt her for a reason.  She didn’t take this seriously when I was personally invested.  Once again, I was open and vulnerable and she didn’t get it.  This time she was flip about an issue that is incredibly important to me.  This time she didn’t run away from me, she belittled my concern.  I cannot hold her responsible for the scandal, but I can hold her responsible for not seeing me, again.  
  
I was harsh to her, but she was trying to unpack my anger.  She was trying to diffuse the situation, which in her mind was already ancient history.  I may hate that she sided against me, but I have to think about what she said.  I have to know I am doing the right thing.  I threw down with the chief over this and I stepped out of line with my speech to Izzie and forcing her to watch Mike suffer, so I need to know that I did the right thing.  
  
I know I crossed a line today and I can’t take it back.  I will have to suck up my pride over this and accept that whatever punishment was meted out was ok or I will have to stand my ground and likely leave this hospital.  I have to examine it from every side so that the best plan of action can be put into place.  I am not the administrator of this hospital, Richard is.  I have not doubted his leadership until today.  Stevens is on her way to becoming a fine doctor and in her three years since that scandal she was punished, watched and apparently has grown.  I am a doctor coming in from the outside, what place do I have in the human resources investigations that took place three years ago?  
  
_“What possible good would it do?  I mean would it benefit your patient’s outcome?  Or?”  
“My patient wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her.”  
“So you’re gonna report this to UNOS and cost this hospital its transplant certification?  Cost our patients organs?  Cost people their jobs?  Cost Izzie Stevens her career?”_  
  
Mike is alive today.  He is next on the transplant list.  He will get the wonderful care at Seattle Grace and it is near where he lives.  My patient would not benefit from me calling into question this program, when the chief steadfastly says that it has been investigated internally.  Will it even cause the hospital to lose its transplant certification?  Patients, organs and jobs…  Well there are plenty of programs.  Izzie Stevens lose her career?  That part, I am okay with—despite her beautiful speech to Mike.  She has other skills after all and it’s not like she seems especially happy at the hospital anyway.  
  
Ok.  So, what happens if I report this to UNOS?  SGH will be fined, have to set up a transplant review committee that oversees any transplant patients and their information, have an independent expert come in to review systemic issues that led to the possibility of a patient being improperly moved up the donor list…  I had to consult when Albany Medical Center was under investigation 5 years ago in New York.  They were fined $18, 000 for nine violations related to improper identification of patients on the donor list.  Those patients were inaccurately moved up the donor list when they should not have been.  
  
The money is not important to me.  The review committee is.  Seattle Grace does not have a specific team of people identified to double check the status of people waiting for transplants and monitoring their conditions.  Perhaps if that team had been in place, then Izzie Stevens would not have been able to do whatever it is that she did to Denny Duquette.  
  
I do not get to decide punishment for Stevens.  As much as I would like to, it is not my place.  Stevens did watch her loved one die because of a transplant that she made happen.  She knows that she violated good judgment and good medicine.  She had to watch my patient suffer today because of the effects of her actions.  
  
I just don’t know if I can get over my personal hang up with her.  I’ve spent my entire career avoiding personal conflicts at work.  I don’t hesitate to correct someone or challenge them medically or cut them when they disappoint—but I have made sure to not be personally entangled with any of my co-workers or patients.  Now I am tangled not only with Callie and Mike, but also Izzie Stevens of all people.  I did not get over-friendly with her, instead this is the opposite.  I will have to work with her and I do not know if I can get past my distaste for her in order to teach or do my job.    
  
I promised to respect scientific knowledge and share it with others.  I promised to do my best for my patients.  I promised to not forget the human side of the medicine I am doing and its effects.  I promised to admit when I don’t know something and to get the help of others.  I promised to respect patient privacy and decision.  I promised to not play god.  I promised to treat the whole patient and not just the symptom or disease.  I promised to prevent disease as much as I can.  I promised to remember that I am a member of society and have a responsibility as such.      
      
Those are promises that I made when I became a doctor.  Stevens made the same promises, but she is also still learning.  I am not in charge of her medical training and I am not the best person to judge her overall abilities.  Up until today I thought that she was on her way to becoming quite qualified.  I made those promises though and I have had 14 years to perfect my ability to follow them no matter the circumstance.  
  
If I report the hospital there would likely be an investigation, fines levied, and a review panel set up.  If I report Izzie Stevens for malpractice little will be done and the chief assures me that she was punished.  Denny Duquette died after the transplant three years ago and I’m not sure after so long if it is generally regarded as too late to bring a claim of medical malpractice.  In any event, to file a medical malpractice claim I would have to prove she was responsible and not a rumor.  If I could prove that, then I could prove that she stepped outside accepted medical standards.  Can I prove that?  
  
If I can’t prove step one, then it doesn’t matter about the other steps.  The rules are there to protect us, but they may also be the reason that she won’t have to have any other punishment than what the chief decided upon.  Sigh.  I have to face the fact that I can do very little given my position and how long it’s been since the incident.  
  
The next question becomes whether I can fulfil my Hippocratic oath while still working at Seattle Grace?  Can I teach?  Can I teach Izzie Stevens all that I have dedicated my life to perfecting and improving?  Can I promise the best for my patients if I am worried about everything that she will do with them?  Can I promise not to play god and decide what she did or didn’t do in my head?    
  
***  
  
I took time off to clear my head.  To stay away from everyone.  I didn’t get much sleep last night after coming home to analyze the situation with Stevens, the chief, and my blow up with Callie.  I fell asleep on the couch before I was able to get past thinking about whether I should call UNOS or not.  I will talk to the chief again first.  Maybe under calmer conditions he will be able to satisfactorily explain the situation.  Maybe not, but I can’t just storm out on emotion alone.  I did not come this far to throw it all away without understanding it first.  
  
I woke up after only a few hours of sleep and crawled into bed.  It is cozy and I have bunched up the blankets and extra pillows like a mini-fort around me on the bed.  It was lonely sleeping alone, but I was not going to call Callie.  I had not thought about what to tell her after my mixed up emotional outburst.  I was shocked that she wasn’t more supportive, but that bullshit about not knowing her at all?  And you can’t kind of be a lesbian?  I think I made a serious mistake and can’t take that back.  Callie and I had talked; she wants to be with me and no one else.  That’s all I should need.  Well, should have needed, maybe now she won’t even want to be with me.  
  
I am holding my pillow and trying to not cry when I hear my backdoor being opened.  There are only a few people who know where I live, and only a few of them know there is a key out back, and only one of them would dare to show up unannounced and uninvited to try to come in.  Callie.  Cute Callie, curious Callie, courageous Callie, cage fighter Callie.  No—crazy is more like it.  Crazy Callie.  
  
I am on my feet and in the kitchen in seconds.  She is apparently moving in.  So, my worries about her not wanting me are dampened for the moment.  Just what the hell is she doing?  
  
“Uh.  Callie?  What are you doing?”  
  
“You’re awake.”  
  
“Uh, yeah.  It’d be even scarier for me if I was asleep.”  
  
She continues into the kitchen with a duffle bag, a paper sack, coffee tray, and stuffed animal.  Crazy Callie indeed.  I stand there wrapped in the blanket and shuffling on my bare feet on the cold tile of the kitchen.  “What are you doing Callie?  Moving in?”  
  
“Well, you’re in a fine mood this morning, aren’t you?”  
  
“Uh.  Not exactly.  I’m a little freaked and, uh, tired.   I guess.”  
  
“Freaked.  Please.  I’m freaked.  And tired?  You should be.  I hope you didn’t sleep at all last night!”  
  
“Callie.”  I whine.  “What are you doing here breaking into my house?”  
  
She holds out a coffee to me and gestures to the kitchen bar stools.  “What, you don’t want your coffee this morning?” She flashes me that megawatt smile and goes to the paper sack pulling out two croissants.  
  
“I love coffee, you know that, Cal.  But I fully expected you to not speak to me after last night and yesterday.  Not that I didn’t have a reason to be upset, but I took it out on you and shouldn’t have.”  
  
“Exactly.”  
  
“What exactly?”  
  
“I freak out and run away.  You get angry and say hurtful things.  We’re a pair of idiots.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Listen.  I really want to freak out right now and avoid you.  I want to pretend you didn’t say all that stuff.  I want to pretend that I don’t know what is going on between us so that I won’t have to deal with it.  And you.  Well, you were angry with Stevens and the chief and your patient and yourself.  I’m sure you said awful things to Izzie and to the chief.  I know that you said some to me.  I don’t know exactly how I came up into that hailstorm of fury that you had going on, but you sure threw me in there.”  
  
“Uh.”  
  
“How did I do?”  
  
“Yeah.  So how does that lead you to be here now?  Instead of at work and pissed at me?”  
  
“We finally got to a place where we had agreed to be together.  We hadn’t agreed on everything, but you seemed okay with me wanting only you.  And I was okay that I was your glasses.  I thought that meant you only wanna see me.  So instead of avoiding you and freaking out, I am going to lean into the fear and get my happy ending.”  
  
She smiles a corny little smile that belongs on Meredith Grey and I shake my head.  “So, what about my anger and hurtful words?”  
  
“Well, you can’t work through it by yourself here at home.  And I can’t lean into my fear and get my happy ending without you.”  She leans forward and places a piece of croissant in my mouth.  It’s just the best damn croissant that I’ve ever had.  
  
“Ok.  I’m still confused, but I like the happy ending part.  What’s with all the rest of this stuff?”  
  
“Oh.  I got called back in last night after you left.  I haven’t been home.  I brought all my stuff here from the car because I wasn’t going to go home until I saw you.  This is my emergency duffle I keep in the car.  You know extra clothes, shower stuff, emergency blanket, granola bar, book, whatever.  This my Paddington bear from my locker.”  She holds up the bear in a blue coat and yellow hat that has seen better days but looks very loved.  
  
“Why did you bring all this stuff though?  Why aren’t you at work?”  
  
“You didn’t come in this morning.  I waited all night for this morning to talk to you and you didn’t come in.  I am pissed as hell at you and when I found out that you weren’t coming into work I was even more pissed.  As I grabbed my stuff though I saw Izzie Stevens coming in for rounds.  She looks like shit.  She should too.  Anyway.  It made me think about the whole situation again.  Like I hadn’t already been all night, but I thought about you and what you must be going through.”  
  
“Thanks for coming, Callie.”  I whisper.  
  
“Not for nothing, but you scared the crap out of me last night.  I am sorry that I defended her to you.  I should’ve tried to talk to you more about how you were feeling.  I’m just not very good at that.  I got defensive about the hospital and reacted.  When you started to throw that stuff about us into it, I couldn’t even respond.”  
  
“I’m sorry.  I let my anger about the whole situation blow up into an uncontrolled state.  I should not have thrown you into it, even if I was mad at you.  And I shouldn’t have said you can’t kind of be a lesbian or that I didn’t know you.”  
  
“No.  You shouldn’t have.  See, we’re a pair of idiots?  But I want you to know that we are going to be together regardless.  I am not going to back down from you even when you are irrational and angry.  I may give you a time out, but I’m going to get right back in the ring with you for round two.”  
  
I can’t believe all of this.  Callie has broken into my house to make sure that we fight this out or work this out instead of avoiding each other again.  She has broken into my heart and past all of my safeguards as well.  
  
“Hey, I need to take a shower and sleep some.  I’ve been up all night.  Can I stay here?”  
  
_“We finally got to a place where we had agreed to be together.  We hadn’t agreed on everything, but you seemed okay with me wanting only you.  And I was okay that I was your glasses.  I thought that meant you only wanna see me.  So instead of avoiding you and freaking out, I am going to lean into the fear and get my happy ending.”_  
  
***  
  
“What happened between Izzie and Denny?”  
  
“Erica.”  It’s a warning.  We’ve just established an uneasy peace and I want to bring in a bomb again.  “Ok.  Fine.  Izzie fell in love with Denny.  Isn’t that all so special.  And then George was choosing her and Meredith and all of that.  Remember?”  
  
Callie sighs and continues this is painful for her as well.  “So, somehow Denny’s condition worsens and he moves up the transplant list.  As you know.  All that is known for sure is that Izzie, George, Meredith, and Christina were in the room at some point in time during all of this.  The chief investigated Bailey and the interns, including Karev.  Izzie resigned, but then came back, only not back.  She was on some kind of probation and had to shadow everyone else and not touch a patient or talk to a patient. She was in therapy with Sydney Heron, who I could just shoot.  Anyway.  It went on like that for a long time.  I don’t know when it stopped exactly or what the conditions were.”  
  
“Yes, that’s all well and good, but when I asked you about it the other day you were all nonchalant and said that Stevens cut the LVAD wire on purpose.  So, what are you leaving out?”  
  
“I’m leaving out the gossip.  I’m leaving out the part where I hate her and believe the gossip that I heard later that she had actually cut the LVAD wire to get the heart.”  
  
I roll my eyes.  This is getting nowhere fast.  
  
“No, it was all gossip.  The chief was never able to determine what happened and no evidence was found to prove wrongdoing.  Erica, I’m not saying that there wasn’t wrongdoing.  But nothing was proven.  Otherwise the chief would have put her out of the program.”  She takes a deep breath looking at her fingers and nails.  Then she sighs and looks me in the eye, “Look.  I think that you should call UNOS.  If you don’t call them, you will not have any closure on this.  Or you should go talk to the chief again.  I didn’t intend to side with her last night Erica, and I thought about it all night in surgery.  But you are right - something wrong had to have happened in there.  I…you were threatening the hospital in a burn-it-to-the-ground kind of way and I freaked.  I didn’t want you to go after the hospital because of Izzie Stevens. But you, you’re right, something happened that night with Denny Duquette and you won’t be able to rest if you don’t follow up on this.”  
  
I just stare at her.  I don’t know what to say.  I was angry yesterday and ready to take people’s heads off, today I am hopeless.  I just sit there and stare at her.  After a while I turn and look over the back of the couch through the sliding glass door and watch the trees move in the breeze.  It is something I have always done—retreat inside myself, curled sideways on a couch so I can lay my cheek against the course fabric.  I often put one knee up and rest my elbow on it so that I can bite the end of my pinky absently.  
  
“Erica?”  She says it so softly that I don’t really hear her; I imagine her voice is part of the breeze in the trees.  I half smile to think of Callie as the breeze in the trees because I said she was the glasses that made it possible for me to see the leaves. But this isn’t that.  She is here though and I try to smile, but I still say nothing and watch the panorama out my window wishing I was a leaf and didn’t have to deal with the crushing reality that I feel trapped by.  
  
She scoots closer now and I hear her whisper my name this time.  “Erica?  Honey?”  And she has her hands on my face and they are cold.  But she is wiping tears from my cheeks that have come unbidden.  
  
I cough trying to speak.  I don’t know what I want to say.  I don’t have the words and I feel helpless.  I feel that it doesn’t matter what I do.  At work it doesn’t matter if I storm the chief’s office and call UNOS because nothing will ever be proven against her.  The time has passed.  Personally, I feel helpless because I stormed at Callie and that’s all we seem to do.  Even deeper in my comprehension of the world I feel an overwhelming sense of helpless.  I see the face of a young girl I barely knew, but became friends with later, and I see the helplessness of whatever people try to do that is right.  It’s so much that the tears fall harder like a more emphatic rain against the rooftop of my mind.  
  
I mend hearts.  I dedicate my life to saving lives and always, always doing the right thing and trying my hardest.  But I can’t do it all.  Sometimes I can’t and even if I know that something’s wrong—I can’t do the thing that needs to be done to right it.  Callie is scared.  She is holding me tighter than she would a child and she is rubbing circles on my back and saying my name over and over in my ear like it’s the magic word to solve all of this.  
  
“When I was 17 I worked at summer camp in the mountains.  I worked in the kitchen because I wasn’t old enough to be the lifeguard.”  Callie has stopped rubbing my back and is leaning back to look at my face.  “What?”  
  
“You worked at summer camp?”  She has one eyebrow lifted in question.  
  
“I had to get out of my house and I could live at summer camp.  Besides I could hike, eat whenever I wanted, and do stupid cheesy things and no one would think I was dumb doing them even if they were dumb.”  
  
“Okay.  So, what happened?”  
  
“One group had gone backpacking for a few days and when they returned there was a huge scandal.  One of the girls, Lisa, was about 14 and she had told one of the counsellors that she was being abused at home. The stepfather had been touching her for a year and she didn’t want to go home from camp because she felt safe there.  So, the counsellor told the director who said that they had to report the child abuse.  They couldn’t know about abuse and do nothing about it.”  
  
“When they told Lisa that they had called child services, she freaked out.  They were coming to take her away from camp even though she still had five days left, and they were taking her from her family including her little sister who was still at home.  Lisa told the counsellors that they had betrayed her trust and she hated them.  It was drama all the way around as she blamed the counsellors and they blamed each other and the director.  Everyone was in tears the night that they came to take Lisa into protective custody.”  
  
“I didn’t know much about it since I worked in the kitchen, but I knew that it was heartbreaking for them to make the call and do the right thing in the long run for the girl.  I admired their courage and was sorry that it had to be so difficult to do the right thing.  But if it helped her in the long run and she wasn’t abused anymore, then I felt like it was worth it.”  
  
“A couple of weeks later the counsellor that had talked to Lisa got a long letter describing what had happened to her once she was taken into protective custody.  It seems that they interviewed her and then interviewed the parents and then returned her to live with them.  Lisa had been pulled out of her last days at camp and not even able to enjoy them, and then she was returned to her parents without any kind of penalty or warnings.  The counsellors’ mourned for Lisa and it was a horrible evening as the story was shared among the staff.  They had done the right thing and it had gone horribly wrong.”  
  
“Four years later, I was the director of that camp and Lisa was a staff member of mine.  She talked about it with me at length.  She had always been disappointed that nothing had been done and she was left to suffer trapped in her family home with her sister.  It had become too much by the time she was 16 and she had gone to live with friends’ families and boyfriends’ families until she graduated and could legally get an apartment with friends once they got jobs.”  
  
“It was the right thing to call protective services, but it didn’t change things, or it did—it made them worse.  There was nothing that those counsellors could have done to make it right, even though they did the right thing.  It was odd to remember seeing how distraught her counsellors were and then talking to her directly four years later.”  
  
“Lisa’s story has always filled me with a certain sense of hopelessness that I try to fight off every day.  I try to make the right decisions in everything.  I try to act for the benefit of the patient and their family even if it means doing something harsh.  I don’t hesitate and I don’t make many friends either.  The day I kicked Bailey out of the OR when I was working on her son?  I didn’t hesitate because it was the right thing to do.”  
  
“Hearing about Izzie Stevens’ scandal brought out every impulse I had to fight for what was right.  To fight for what was right for Michael, for medicine, for the hospital, and for me.  Anything that got in the way needed to be bulldozed.  And yet I was slapped down by the chief and the circumstance and you.  I was slapped down by the fact that this past transgression was something I couldn’t make right.”  
  
“If I had in any way been able to tell the day of the transplant, then I could have fought for the heart and won it for Michael.  I took the heart out and I had to bring it over to Seattle Grace.  I could have easily taken out the heart and gone to Mercy with it and fixed Mike.  But I didn’t know to fight that fight that day.  It doesn’t make it right, but I can’t undo what was done no matter how much I’d like to.”  
  
“Calling UNOS or talking to the chief.  It will be like calling protective services for Lisa.  A huge ruckus and scandal would be raised, and lots of tears shed, and in the end, nothing much would change.  I won’t be able to work there and I don’t know if I want to.  But it wouldn’t change that Mike is waiting and hoping to not die today, or that Duquette did die, or that Stevens will have to live with her truth for the rest of her life.”  
  
“So you’re not calling UNOS?  You’re going to continue to work at Seattle Grace?”  
  
“I don’t know Callie.  Maybe if I can be the change within, I mean, maybe if I can talk to the chief, and we can insure this doesn’t ever happen again…” I take a big sigh, because I just don’t know.  Callie is here, but we are still not solid.  I could work at Seattle Grace, but at what cost to me personally and professionally?  I don’t know that I can be a teacher there anymore.  I don’t know that I will feel comfortable there.  A lot of respect was lost.  Lisa, the girl from camp suffered through as much time at home as she could stand and then she got out.  Will I be sending myself back into an abusive home of sorts if I go back to work at Seattle Grace?  I took these two days off to think and calm down.  I really wasn’t sure that I was going back.  
  
***  
  
We spent the day in chitchat and curled up to watch a movie together.  Pizza delivery was the order of the day and then more relaxing on the couch.  Part of me wished that this was every day, it was so much better than the reality outside.  When the sappy movie ended Callie turned to me with bright eyes.  Apparently instead of watching the movie she’s been thinking.  
  
“Hey.”  Her head is lying sideways on my chest where she’s been laying for a while now.  I can tell that she’s closed her eyes and I squeeze her hand where our fingers are intertwined.  
  
“Hey yourself.”  I say and lean forward to kiss her hair.  
  
“We’ve talked about everything except leaves and glasses and what you said last night.”  She begins without looking at me.  
  
I inhale deeply and mentally begin to prepare for the worst, but she clasps my fingers tighter and pulls my arm to where she can hold it to her.  I cherish the contact, but I am uneasy about talking about us.  We seem to fail so miserably and I really can’t take that today.  
  
“I said you couldn’t kind of be a lesbian.  I was angry, Cal.  You know that.  It got jumbled in with everything else and my insecurities around you and I shouldn’t have said that.  You were right that you could be kind of a lesbian.  I don’t want to talk about it, Callie.”  
  
“I didn’t just come here to check on you, and talk about the good old days with Izzie for you, you know?”  I can feel her smile against my chest.  She’s such a devil.  How in the world did we become friends and how in the world did that evolve into this mushroom cloud of madness that we can’t control?  
  
“Oh, you didn’t even want to check on me did you?  You just wanted to see if I’d left, so you could get on with your life then, is that it?”  
  
She’s turned on me now and she’s going to tickle.  In the split second that it takes for me to realize and for her to actually do it, she hesitates.  I grab her hands and sit up facing her.  We are both breathy, prepared for the tickle fight that was about to begin.  Our eyes are lit up, our smiles take up our entire faces and we are face to face.  
  
“I love you.”  Her eyes go wide and I let her hands go like they’re burning me.  I jump off the couch preparing the words that I need to say to take it back.  
  
But she is up in a flash and wrapped around me.  “Erica. Erica.  No, it’s.  Stop.  Stop fighting me.”  I am trying to pull away from her.  I just called her glasses again; I can’t believe what an idiot I am.  She won’t let me go though.  When I finally stop struggling, she holds me just far enough away to look me in the eye.  “Erica, I love you, too.”  I burst into tears and she holds me tight, like a child again.  “That’s why I’m here.”  She says, “I’m your glasses.  You need me to see and I want to see everything that you see.  I love you.”  
  
I pull back to see her serious, serious brown eyes filled with such love that I know I can never fight against it.  I will forever be lost in those eyes.  I will forever be hers in a way that I never will be anyone’s ever in my life.  She is searching my face with an equal intensity.  “You love me?”  I choke out.  
  
“Yes.  Without a doubt I do.”  She says and leans in to seal it with a kiss.  
  
***  


I’ve been back at work for two weeks.  It feels like it’s been six months.  I don’t talk to anyone unless it’s for a consult or Callie.  I go from patient room to patient room.  If I can’t hide in on-call rooms, supply closets, my office, or other places, then I might as well put on the brave face and work on patient care.  It is after all the one weakness that I have, the one thing that Izzie Stevens has going for her.  If I am to pull through this situation, like the ones that have come before then it will be through hard work and focusing on refining my craft.  
  
After working with Stevens on a valve replacement, I realize that my focus has some definite fault lines in it.  I cannot shake my judgment of her, and I cannot work with her, as I should.  I have never been able to not treat someone professionally if I wanted to.  Hounding Yang mercilessly last year was pure sport because I felt that she reminded me of me, could handle it, and really needed to get over herself and cardio and become a great surgeon so she could be of use to me.  But if I had to treat her professionally I could.  After Burke got the stupid Harper Avery, I even reached out to her since I knew she should have been upset.  I had pushed her too far away and she was hurting too much to appreciate my efforts at the time.  
  
This, with Stevens?  I can’t shake it.  I made her watch while I let her interns hold the retractors and suction.  I am not a good teacher to her and I don’t think that I can be.  I need to talk to the chief about what went on and what I think needs to happen to make this a workable situation.  
  
“I thought I’d be seeing you.”  He greets.  “You’ve been laying low.”  
  
“Yes.  Reflection tends to do that.”  
  
“So, what have your reflections led you to understand?”  
  
“As you know I was ready to call in the troops when I found out about Denny Duquette and Izzie Stevens.  But I have reflected on what would happen if I were to call UNOS and what would come of it.  As you know, I was a consultant on various cases regarding transplant violations over the years so I am familiar with some of the consequences dealt out.  Financial consequences, the development of an oversight committee, and the punishment of individuals involved are the standard effects of these investigations as you know.”  
  
He goes to say something, but I continue, “I have come to the conclusion that the case would go un-investigated, or the investigation would lead nowhere so I have decided not to call.  However, I would like to request two things of you so that I can understand what happened and feel comfortable working here.”  
  
He fidgets uncertainly, but I can see it dawning on him that I am, in fact, considering leaving over this.  I don’t think he quite comprehended this until now.  
  
“I would like you to explain what punishment Izzie Stevens went through and I would like for you to set up a transplant oversight committee that takes care of checking on transplant patients so that no situation even remotely similar to Denny Duquette’s can happen again.  There should be three independent people on the committee who give a joint opinion of the patient’s status and assesses the patient during his/her time under our care in any transplant related situation.  I don’t expect you to give me an answer right away.  This has got to be a delicate situation for you.  So, we can talk about this in greater detail later.”  I stand to leave and he stands as well.  
  
***  
  
Two more weeks go by and I just shuffle through the days.  I have learned a lot about patient care and which residents have it.  Alex Karev has it in unusual times and places, but you can’t count on it.  Yang lacks it most of the time and from listening to her, it sounds like it’s on purpose.  George has good patient care, but he’s such a doormat that I can’t stand him.  Meredith Grey generally does well, but will on occasion stumble.  Izzie Stevens has the best patient care, but I regard her as a used car salesman who can get you to do anything.  
  
Callie has slowly been bringing her stuff over to my place.  There has been no formal discussion of this; she’s just doing it little by little.  Also, without saying anything I move stuff out of drawers and closets and things so that there is room.  It is typical that we aren’t talking about it, but I guess it’s scary to both of us and we both realize it.  We are relaxed and easy around each other.  We say I love you like there never was a time that we didn’t say it and I hang onto every word with her, every touch, and every breath with her.  I hold her until she falls asleep so that I don’t miss anything.  She is my glasses and I can see her so clearly now that it breaks my heart that we are here and there are dark clouds hanging over us.  
  
“You’re home.”  She beams at me.  She’s in the kitchen making something that smells spicy and divine.  She doesn’t cook often she told me, but she does it on special occasions.  I just can’t think of what this one is though.  
  
“Yes, I live here.”  I say motioning around at the room in general.  
  
She dries her hands and comes over to me.  Her arms around my waist her lips on my mine are the best way to come home.  “Welcome home.”  She says all giddy like a schoolgirl—the kind that we would both have made fun of in our school days.  
  
“What’s the occasion, Cal?”  
  
“Oh, we take our boards in two weeks and you’re going to help me study.”  She is the only person I can think of beside myself that is giddy at the prospect of a life-altering test that will make or break the next step in your career.    
  
***  
  
`Fly by’ is not the proper title for the next two weeks as Callie studies and I help her.  In fact, `slower than molasses’ would be more apropos.  Maybe if it really is slower then Callie will actually get more quality studying in?  Does it work like that?  I had Stevens and Grey on my service today and no interns to distract me, and as perverse as luck would have it—we were doing another set of ablations on a male patient.  At least there were some subtle differences including Stevens not freaking out and disappearing.  But it was awful.  I also felt that I couldn’t be my usual harsh self and threaten to cut their hearts out with steak knives, because I was trying to make this work.  
  
I greet Cal and chitchat for a bit.  I ask her if she can study alone tonight because I’m not feeling well.  She agrees and settles in on the couch with her flash cards and notes.  I head upstairs and run a bath.  Maybe the hot water will distract me enough from today’s hammering and I can go to sleep without thinking anymore about it.  
  
Callie sits down on the toilet lid facing me.  She takes my hand that has been resting on the side of the tub and gently massages it.  “I heard you had tweedle and deedle on your service today.”  
  
“Yeah.  It was like being awake for a heart transplant, only knowing that the heart you were getting wasn’t really much better than the bad one you were having taken out.”  
  
“Scoot forward.”  She says taking off her top as she kicks off her slippers.  I can’t argue as I comply and watch her take off her yoga pants.  Damn.  She wasn’t wearing any underwear and that was so off my radar until right now.  She slides into the tub behind me and I have to let a little water out by lifting the stopper with my toes.  
  
“I’m sorry that this is so hard on you.”  She’s massaging my back and neck and I relax into her touch as she makes everything better one caress at a time.  “Have you heard back from the chief?”  
  
I snort.  “Yes.  He called me in at the end of my shift.  He told me what you told me about Izzie’s probation and therapy time.  He said he’d consider an oversight committee in next year’s plan.”  
  
“I’m sorry that he isn’t the chief that we thought he was.”  She has put her arms around me and she is flush against my back.  I close my eyes to savor the moment of her skin on my skin.  It all seems so fleeting.  When she gets tired she leans back against the back of the tub and takes me with her and we settle into a comfortable silence.  
  
“I just can’t be here.”  
  
“Where can you be, then?”  
  
“Your arms.”  
  
“They’re right here.” She squeezes me again.  
  
“Seattle has lost its magic.”  I sigh out dramatically.  
  
“I know.  But if you leave, you’ll take my magic.”  I can hear her pouting behind me.  
  
I close my eyes.  This is painful.  Where will I go?  How far will I have to go?  Where will Callie be?  “I know.”  
  
Silence.  
  
“I’m suffocating.”  
  
“What about Mercy West?”  
  
“I don’t want to go back there.  I left because Grace was supposed to be better.  I can’t go back.  And it’s just too close.  That’s how I got to Grace in the first place.  I can’t believe this.  
  
“She stole his heart.  Burke got shot and I had to come to Grace to do the surgery.  I had to come and put the stolen heart in Denny Duquette’s chest.  I had to lose the transplant, watch my own patient suffer, and then lose another patient because Denny died.  I feel sick every day that I walk into that hospital.  It used to be that seeing you made it better, but I’m so empty, Cal.  I’m so empty that even seeing you doesn’t brighten my day.  Seeing Mark Sloan doesn’t anger me.  Working side by side with Izzie Stevens, just makes me sick.  Sick and sad.  I can’t stay here.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
***  
  
We sat in silence for a while but then goosebumps sounded the alarm that we needed to get out and dry off.  Callie gets out and is wrapped in a towel as I stand and step onto the cold tile.  She comes to me with the other towel and is drying me off.  Only she’s drying me with her hands and the towel and she’s making me wet with her mouth on my neck and shoulders.  “Callie.  We need to go to bed.”  
  
“Yes, we do.  You just were cold so I was warming you up.”  She smiles sweetly looking into my eyes with a devilish little gleam.  She lets her towel fall to the floor and turns slowly away from me.  She walks even slower into the bedroom.  I am left hanging on to my own towel and my jaw hanging open.  All thoughts of sleep run away as thoughts of touching Callie stampede into my brain.  
  
As I crawl into the bed she turns her back to me and holds the sheet to her.  “I thought you wanted to go to sleep?”  I smile and snuggle behind her.  I can play her game.  My mouth is at the base of her neck where her hairline begins and I can feel her shoulders go up a little as she fights the feeling my lips bring.  I press my body flush against hers, my hardened nipples pressed against her back so that she knows I am ready for her.  I slide my hand over her ribcage and palm her skin below her breast as I slide forward across her stomach.  I hear her breath hitch and I smile into her neck.  As I begin to caress her nipple with my free hand, I feel her lean back into me, but she says, “Sleeping.”  
  
“I’m cold.”  I say and rub my lips back and forth along her neck.  “I need you to warm me up.”  I can feel my own wetness as I slide my leg over her hip to bring us closer together.  
  
“You said we had to go to sleep.”  She says pouting, but she is rolling back into me so that she is flat on her back and I am up against her.  
  
“No.”  I kiss each side of her mouth and then full on her lips.  “I said we had to go to bed, not sleep.”  I continue to kiss her lips and then trail down her jaw line to her neck and as I suck on her pulse point, my hand has slid down her body and found her to be as wet as I am.  
  
“Oh.”  She says breathlessly.  
  
***  
  
We are lying together gazing into each other’s eyes and smiling.  Gentle touches are slow and filled with love.  It is as if we have always been here and will always be here.  All of the ups and downs are surely worth it if I can bask with Callie Torres by my side.  She tucks a lock of hair behind my ear and then she is swallowing and looking at me like she has something important to say.  She has been so supportive that I am not exactly worried, but she also knows as well as I do how unhappy I am at Seattle Grace.  It is a dark cloud that I wish wasn’t a part of our lives, but it is there none-the-less.  
      
“You should call Addison.” Callie isn’t normally like this. She has said this in a voice so small and filled with sure sadness that I blink at her.  Her eyes don’t waver from mine though and her expression tells me that she is telling me something that will change us.  She bites her lip again and takes my hand in hers, “You should call Addison.”  
  
“What?  Why?  Callie what do you mean?”  I can feel the tears well up in my eyes.  I haven’t cried in weeks, but suddenly it feels like I have been holding these tears back for at least that long.  I can see my hurt reflected in Callie’s eyes as hers well up with tears too.  
  
“Addison can help you.”  And she closes her eyes and turns into the pillow slightly.  
  
I squeeze her hand in mine.  “No, Callie.  Addison can’t help me.  Her clinic doesn’t need a cardiothoracic specialist.”  
  
“No, Addison can help you.  You know she left because of a lot of things, but her relationships at work were part of what sucked the life out of her and made it impossible for her to stay in Seattle.”  She stops and is staring into my eyes again.  I feel like we are on the edge of an abyss and discussing the benefits of simply jumping to get across versus taking a running jump at it.  “Addison occasionally works at the hospital there.  She did 4 surgeries in a row a few weeks ago.  It’s not all breast milk and baby powder in her life, you know.”  
  
“I know she’s your friend, Callie, but how is that going to help me?”  
  
“Well, why don’t you take some time and go down there to check it out.  Maybe St. Ambrose could use someone as fantastic as you?  They must have horrible heart problems in LA.”  She’s teasing me now to try and take the sting out of this conversation and it’s taking all of the serious out of my serious mood.  
  
“So, now you want me to go?”  I have to tease her back, but at the same time get closer to the discussion of what will happen to us if I were to go.  
  
She sits up in bed now and draws the blanket around her legs.  She is so gorgeous that I just lay there staring up at her uncovered breasts, bare skin, strong neck and beautiful face.  She shakes her head and pulls my hand into her lap where she stares down at it.  Then quietly she says,  “Well, if you can’t stay here, then take some time and see where else you can go.  Addison went there to find herself and while she’s still struggling, she sure didn’t want to come back to Seattle.  Maybe you need to get away from here and get some perspective.  I hear sunshine can do that for people.”  
  
Now I’m sitting up too and kneeling facing her.  I hold my palm to her cheek and smile, “I can’t believe you want to get rid of me.”  She gives me a half-hearted laugh and kisses me.  It is the saddest thing that has happened to the two of us and we are kissing and crying all at the same time.  She pushes me back and holds her hands firmly on my shoulders.  
  
“What if I come with you?”

 

 

…


	3. Los Angeles

**_Becoming Okay—part 3_**  
  
The morning alarm finds Callie snuggling into my neck. I hit snooze without moving and she snuggles closer. Ever since Callie broke-in we have been inseparable. If Callie is on-call I just stay at the hospital. No one seems to notice, or we don’t notice them. It’s not hard to know when Callie’s shift will end and there’s a forgotten on-call room on the same floor as dermatology. I finish paperwork in my office and meet her. I’ve been making calls to figure out my next step. Usually I’m decisive, but I find myself reluctant this time. Callie has made arrangements with Addison so I can check out St. Ambrose. I am hesitating for Callie.  
  
What a lot of pressure to put on one person. I have never really let anyone influence my decisions unless it was because they told me that I couldn’t do something—then I had to prove them wrong. I hope Callie doesn’t dare me to stay at Seattle Grace. But Callie wouldn’t do that. She knows how hard this has been, and she wants me to be happy. Just when we are settling in to a real relationship and finally believe how much we mean to each other, I need to leave. I care about her enough that I would try to stay if she asked me, but I would be miserable.   
  
I have waited my whole life for a love this strong. A love that bent all of my rules, broke past all of my walls, and would put my happiness first. I have waited all my life to love that way as well. I laugh off the idea as a fairy tale, or idealized notion for the commercial benefit of card makers, but I have secretly longed for someone to share that dream with. If anyone had ever guessed that—I would have denied it and made sure they didn’t see an OR for a month.  
  
The alarm goes off again and Callie stirs in my arms. She kisses my neck and makes little sleepy grumbling sounds. The early light of the morning circles her face in a faint halo that I am sure is part of my imagination, but it’s gorgeous all the same. Her voice vibrates against my ear groggy with sleep. “You leave tonight?”  
  
I run my fingers through her hair and stroke her side down to her hip. I kiss the top of her head. “You know I do. You made the arrangements.”  
  
Callie makes pouting noises. “I don’t want you to go.” Sighing I roll my eyes. She likes to put me on the tenderness treadmill and take me for miles. Callie locks herself around me. “I know you have to go, but I don’t want you to go.” Then she loosens her grip and snakes her hand under my nightshirt.  
  
I look at her licking my bottom lip and she turns to kiss me. Open mouth kisses on my neck and collarbone take my breath away. When she teases my nipples, I moan and grab hold of her hair bringing her back up to me to claim her lips as my own. She lifts my leg so that it is bent to the side and settles herself over my other leg. Callie rakes her fingernails along my body and lifts my nightshirt up and away, her own following easily. I move to flip her, but she holds me, dominates me, showing me how she loves and needs me and wants me to stay with her.   
  
Callie is touching my skin like she can coat me in her and somehow keep me hers while I am away. She has me mostly pinned. With my free hand I hold her face to mine and stop her enough to make eye contact. We both whimper at the desire and love in each other’s gaze. She claims my lips again and my free hand drops to her nipple and I begin to tease her as well.   
  
She wants to coat herself in me so that I will stay with her when I am gone, so she will be protected by me even when I am far away. She is resolute that this goodbye will be enough of a send-off kiss to claim me back to her. When her hand slides between my legs I open for her and moan. She grinds down on my leg with her wet center. Her arousal is all I need to get off, but she kisses me hard as her fingers claim me and my hips buck to meet her.   
  
We lay facing each other staring into each other’s eyes. This time she is waiting for me to catch my breath. She is stroking my side and I reach to caress her face. She slides closer and we are kissing again. I pull back and take her hand in mine entwining our fingers. “I love you. I love you so much, Cal.”  
  
“I love you so much, too, Erica. I can’t even begin to tell it.”  
  
I hold her hand to my heart and lean in for another kiss. “You just showed me.” She smiles a little smile that I know is covering her pain. She knows I am waging an inner battle to stay with her. She wants to be supportive, but when it comes down to it—it will hurt her for me to go away. The truth is it will hurt me to leave, so much that I haven’t been able to. So, we have been hovering in this inter-tidal zone not really staying and not really going, but just hanging onto each other as the tides rush in and out past us and we cling to the hope of us.  
  
I want her to be coated in me and I want to be coated in her. I need to have the feel of her touch on my skin so that I know what I am risking, loving and clinging to. I want her scent to fill my mind when she is nowhere in sight because I have memorized it. I want to know that I fill her senses as much as she fills mine. I roll over her beginning to tell her everything I need to say by mouthing the words on her skin and into her soul.  
  
“I love you.” I tell her again as my fingers claim her and wait for her to look at me.  
  
She licks her lips. “I love you.” I repeat how much I love her with every thrust of my body along hers and her breath takes my words into her body to circulate like oxygen giving her everything she will ever need from me: my love.  
  
***  
  
After our morning session, a light snack to quiet our rumbling bellies, and some water we went back to bed. What better way to say I love spending time with you, than to stay in bed together? Callie was curled up on the side of me with her head on my chest, my heartbeat in her ear. She fell asleep with my fingers in her hair and her hand under my shirt heating up the skin on my stomach. I can’t see her face, but I can just tell that this is the picture of love right here. The two of us curled up and completely in love with each other. I must have dozed on and off too, but I’m awake now thinking of my trip and Callie. I had focused so much on the negative that I hadn’t really focused on how bright the positives with Callie have been. What a fantastic time to fall in love! November, December and early January. Ending the year with memorable times together and beginning the next firmly rooted in fresh love? How bittersweet: personal bliss in professional hell.   
  
At the end of October, I was giddy with excitement that Callie and I had agreed to be scared together. By early November, I was sure of so many things, but Callie was spinning out of orbit away from me. I would have thought that my time at Seattle Grace would far outlast my time with Callie, no matter how much of an impact on my life she had. My life changed forever when I realized how wonderful it could be with someone like Callie. Close on the heels of that revelation, however, came the revelation that: Callie was young, uncertain, afraid, and had her whole career before her. I had a career at Seattle Grace with a track to chief of surgery. Likely Callie would choose somewhere new after her residency to prove herself.   
  
The rollercoaster of puberty was not as painful as the last two months had been. My career at SGH effectively ended the day of Mike’s ablations. I lost all respect for the chief, Bailey, and Stevens. I did not know whom at SGH to trust, respect or rely on. If everyone knew about it and had covered it up, or let it pass unquestioned, then I could never truly work there. I also thought that I lost Callie in the same broad stroke. She defended the hospital and Stevens.  
  
We worked through all of that and Callie has been steady ever since our crisis. Three weeks later found us celebrating Thanksgiving together. I had a long shift by choice, since I’ve spent so many holidays alone, I always volunteer. Callie had gone to Meredith Grey’s house for a short time, but then she had come to the hospital and set up a mini-dinner feast for me in the attendings’ lounge. We sat on the floor eating together and talking about family and the past. It was the first time I had smiled at the hospital in those weeks.  
  
The days ticked off and just last week we were celebrating Christmas and New Year’s together. A cloud settled in along with our happiness, because while we were increasingly good together, work was increasingly toxic. It seemed like our little bubble of happiness was inside a snow globe frozen in a small moment of our histories, to be kept and remembered forever, but only as a memory in time.  
  
“What is your resolution for this year?” I ask Callie as we dance around my living room. We spent a quiet night in after a fancy dinner out and listened to music and the live countdown on the radio.  
  
“I resolve to make you as happy as you have made me these last several weeks.” She claimed my lips with her own in a languid kiss that melted me more into her than ever before. After a few gentler kisses, she pulled away sucking on my bottom lip and looking intently into my eyes. “What about you?”  
  
“I resolve to keep you as close as I possibly can and love you more every minute of the day.” She smiled her megawatt smile at me then and shimmied closer in my embrace. I kissed her on the lips and the forehead before squeezing her in and kissing the top of her hair as we swayed in the music.  
  
***  
  
Callie must enjoy torturing herself, because she insists on dropping me off at the airport. I told her she should go to work and distract herself and I could take a cab, but she wouldn’t hear of it. She loaned me her iPod and set a special playlist on it for me. She said that parts of the songs have really come alive for her over the last several months, not every word, but the overall feeling. I love music, but there’s something about knowing that music was chosen for you that makes you pay that little extra bit of attention.  
  
Normally, I guess I would expect love songs and these are definitely songs about love, but some of them are a little more complicated than `I just called to say I love you.’ I feel bad that I have pulled Callie into my limbo, or that she is keeping me in a limbo. I’m not sure at this point which it is—is she holding me here, or am I dragging her away.  
  
_Ask me something easier a smile, a kiss…  
Look, I'll give you anything but don't ask me this.  
Don't ask for faith when there's no great supply,  
Don't ask for love when I'm just now beginning to feel it  
—And I Will Follow, Sara Ramirez_  
  
I smile when the first song plays: `And I Will Follow’ sung by Sara Ramirez. I know Callie searched everywhere for that song once she found it, and finally she got it by going on-line somewhere. I guess that it was a really important song to Callie at the beginning because she would’ve given me anything, but the love part had to come later. It was too much too soon and she couldn’t name it before she was certain that she felt it—even though it was there the whole time. Just like it took Addison pointing out our attraction for each other, for us to see it.  
  
The other songs are equally lovely, but song 7 brings tears to my eyes. It is completely about us in a weird way. I am going, she has to decide what she’s doing, and yet we are drawn to each other regardless of the world around us. We are so aware of everything about each other. There are no more secrets, because we can’t hide anything and we have coated each other in ourselves. Other songs play on, but when the play list ends I just sit with the ear buds in so that the silence can consume me. We want to be together, but it seems like we are always in danger of being ripped apart.  
  
_Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.  
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.  
But you're on to me and all over me._

_—Gravity—Sara Bareilles_  
  
I don’t know how long I sit thankful for the camouflage of the earbuds. My fellow passengers think I am listening to music and have not tried speaking to me. I am glad to have a window seat to look at the endless nothing of clouds as we zoom by. It was a short playlist, and for once I am glad. I don’t know what other emotional subtleties would lie hidden if the list were longer. Unbidden songs begin to float around in my head. I promised to make Callie a list, but it’s just too overwhelming.   
  
At the beginning I thought of Imogen Heap’s “The Walk,” because I thought it described us pretty well. We were inside-out, upside-down and in so many ways `never meant to be.’ As much as we tried to deny it at first the only way to avoid us crashing together would have been for one of us to leave. We each had a weakness for the other. It’s odd to think how we mentally fought it and avoided each other after Addison’s visit and the first kiss.   
  
_Inside-out, upside-down, Twisting beside myself. Stop that now,  
'Cause you and I were never meant to be.  
I think you'd better leave. It's not safe in here.  
I feel a weakness coming on  
—The Walk—Imogen Heap_  
  
Even though the whole song is not right on, two lines from Joseph Arthur’s “Honey and the Moon” stick in my head. They underscore how we shouldn’t be afraid of each other because we were dreaming of each other before we ever knew it. We shouldn’t avoid each other anymore than we should be afraid of each other. I would have walked through fire for Callie once I knew—and, once I found her, I realized that the drawing of perfect in my brain had her face on it all along.  
  
_Don't know why I'm still afraid  
If you weren't real I would make you up  
—Honey and the Moon—Joseph Arthur_  
  
***  
  
I’m waiting out on the curb listening to Callie’s iPod, when Addison pulls up in her red roadster. “Hello. Dr. Montgomery.” I’m a little nervous. I don’t really know Addison and she has a lot of influence on Callie.  
  
“Dr. Hahn? Call me Addison.” She immediately scolds me for being so formal and gives me a hug after helping me with my suitcase.  
  
“I, uh, well I only met you the one time and…”  
  
“And Callie freaked out after that and now you don’t know what do with me?” She gets in the car and I follow her lead and get in the passenger seat.  
  
“Uh.” How does she do that? Just say what I’m thinking and actually make it real.  
  
“Listen. I think you’re great. I really do like you. Really.”  
  
“Well, uh. Callie thinks the world of you.”  
  
Addison can tell that I don’t quite believe her so she turns to me conspiratorially as we stop at the red light. “Let me tell you something. You weren’t at Seattle Grace when I was there so I know you missed some of the fireworks of my tenure.”  
  
I raise my eyes at her in question and she elaborates, “Well I’m sure you know all about the mess that is Meredith and Derek? It escapes no one. Anyway. Derek left me in NY after he found me cheating with Mark.”  
  
“You what? Sloan?” Addison laughs now at my shock. For her it’s old news, and really, given everything I’ve learned about Seattle Grace, I don’t know why I’m surprised.  
  
“Yes. Well, I followed that up with coming to Seattle to find Derek with Meredith.”  
  
“Ewww. You threw yourself on the spit of the Seattle Grace BBQ?”  
  
“Indeed. Meredith’s little group, called me McSatan for a while.”  
  
“Ouch. I thought Ice Queen and Attila the Hahn were bad.”  
  
“Oh, no. I got to be Satan. It didn’t help that I walked up to her in the lobby and introduced myself as Addison Sheppard and asked if she was the woman screwing my husband.”  
  
Stunned into silence, I take a moment to register the appropriate reply. We have just covered quite a bit of ground in a personal acquaintanceship. I nod. “Addison it is, then.”  
  
She smiles. “Thanks, Erica.”  
  
***  
  
Los Angeles in a red roadster with Addison Forbes Montgomery: is there another experience like it? I don’t know her that well, but her presence was everywhere in Seattle once I knew what to look for. She commanded the respect of everyone in the room and she didn’t mistreat it. Highly professional, astute in her medical analysis, and yet she was down to earth. I could see why Callie held her in such high regard after working with her and going to Joe’s. Addison took everything in stride. She did call me on my horrific treatment of Yang but seemed to understand it was complicated and let it go. She didn’t stick around long enough to help Callie with the freak out, but that wasn’t really her fault, so I can’t hold it against her.  
  
Los Angeles. The freeways are from a thousand movies and so you feel like you’ve been here before. It’s amazing to have the open air of the southern California warmth swishing by your face. It’s not warm exactly, but no raining and the top is down so I’ll take it. Addison zooms along the freeway as I watch the lights go by and swirl in my bubble. She gets off on Cloverfield and a few turns later we are heading toward the beach.  
  
Addison slows down and points at the hospital. “Here we are at St. Ambrose.” It’s a modern looking facility with twinkling lights, several buildings, and two parking garages. “I just wanted you to see it and know how close everything is.” Addison turns to look at me and gives me a small smile that doesn’t reach her blue eyes. There’s a tired sadness there, that I’m not sure what to do with. I don’t know her well enough to guess, but I hope it has nothing to do with me.  
  
Wilshire heads to the beach. I wonder if all streets lead to the beach now that I’m in Southern California. What an odd thought. I am beginning to smell the beach now. I haven’t spent much time at the ocean, but the rare times I did, I savored the moment when I could smell the beach and its promise in the air. Ten blocks from the hospital and Addison pulls over into a small parking lot. The building looks like a bank, but the sign clearly announces that it is the Ocean Wellness Center.  
  
“Let’s go to the beach.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
“Yes. It’s part and parcel of the LA experience and you need to see how close it is to work. Or possible work. Sorry.”  
  
“Don’t be. Thanks for thinking of the beach. I wasn’t sure if I should impose and ask you. And I don’t know about the work. I don’t know about a lot of things anymore.”  
  
“You’re used to being certain, aren’t you?”  
  
“Yes. I used to be.”  
  
“A lot of decisions to make.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Listen, I know we’re not friends exactly and that’s hard, because you need a friend right now. I’m good friends with Callie and so I consider you my friend. Good juju you know?”  
  
I laugh a shallow little laugh. “I certainly need good juju, Addison. I just don’t know what I’m doing here—or there.”  
  
We are walking along toward the beach and she loops her arm into mine so that we are walking together very closely. If she wasn’t Callie’s friend I’d probably smack her for invading my personal space, but I am oddly comforted by the assumed closeness. Great. All I need is more unusualness in my life.  
  
Addison sighs and I look at her. I only see the side of her face, but there is that unexplained sadness there again. “When I left Seattle, I was a mess. Things were over with Derek, and I was in a mess with Mark and Alex. I was drowning and had to get out of there. I came for a visit with Naomi and then just... Stayed. I stayed to find myself.” She lets out a shallow laugh and shakes her head. “I’m still finding myself, but I know I made the right decision to leave. When I visited last time, it was partially to check if I was right. I was.”  
  
What am I supposed to say? Mark and Alex? Finding herself. Right decision. We walk along in silence for a moment as I process. “So, you weren’t sure when you left?”  
  
“No. I was sure, but then later I wasn’t sure. You know?”  
  
“No.” I sigh suddenly exhausted.  
  
“I had to leave, but I wasn’t sure if I should come back once I had gotten some perspective. Did I make a permanent move for a temporary problem or was it truly a permanent move for a permanent problem? When I went back I realized that I couldn’t be there anymore.”  
  
“So you’re asking me if I need a break away or if I’m moving away?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“I don’t know.” We have arrived at the edge of the sand and stop to take our shoes off. Addison loops her arm through mine again. The waves are crashing on the shore. Farther down you can see the boardwalk and lights of the waterfront nightlife. It is very isolated here because of the solitude and the silence so near to something so urban and crowded. We are almost to the water but stop short of where the wet sand begins.  
  
She turns to face me then, her eyes studying me in the low light from the moon. “What are you doing here, Erica?”  
  
“Interviewing at St. Ambrose per your recommendation?” I raise an eyebrow at her. She set it up after all. Is this like Callie telling me she doesn’t want me to go, when she set up the reservations?  
  
“No. Why are you interviewing here, then.” Addison turns to face me.  
  
“What did Callie tell you?” I don’t want to bash Seattle Grace if I don’t have to, but if she already knows I can speak my mind. From what I understand she was quite close with Richard and I don’t want to blast him to her.  
  
Addison looks out to the crashing waves. You can see them in the dark as they crest and crash. “Callie said that you had to get out of Seattle because of what happened with Izzie, Denny, and the chief. She said that part of you died after that and you had to get away.”  
  
“Well, then, what’s the question?” It’s silent for a moment as she chooses her words and ponders what we have said, what she knows, and what she thinks she can say. Then she turns to me locking her eyes with mine.  
  
“Are you leaving Callie?”   
  
That’s what it has to look like. I know that’s what it has to look like. It is the last thing in the world that I want. Callie has made the last two months bearable and that is beyond anything I could have ever hoped for in another human being, let alone a lover or partner or whatever. “No. No, I don’t want to leave Callie at all. We have just gotten into a routine and we’re past fighting to be together and we’re just together. But I can’t stay in Seattle.”  
  
“Are you making her come with you?”  
  
“I will not make Callie do anything. I can’t be with her that way.” I can feel my resolve start to crack. I can’t leave Callie, but I can’t be in Seattle. I can’t breathe and it’s killing me. The tears are starting to form an army.  
  
“Do you want her to come with you?” The tears are coming now. Nothing dramatic, just full eyes shimmering in the moonlight, and tears sliding gently down my cheeks.  
  
My voice cracks, it’s throaty and clearly, I’m struggling with all of this. “Addison. There is nothing I’d like more than for her to come with me. I have to let her make her own decision though. Her residency is almost over and she has a lot of deciding to do. I hope that I am able to be where she is, but if she chooses to stay in Seattle, then I don’t know what I’ll do. What has she said to you? You seem like you have a lot to say.”  
  
“Callie is my best friend except for Naomi and I can’t stand the idea of her being hurt again. She means the world to me and I don’t want you to hurt her. I just feel like you are leaving her.”  
  
“What did she say to you?”  
  
“She said that I should take care of you. She threatened to break tiny little bones in my body if you didn’t have a good time and figure things out. But what she didn’t say was that she was afraid or that you were leaving her.” Addison looks to the waves for a moment. “I want to put out my own threat. Don’t hurt her, Erica. Don’t leave her. Or I’ll have to come up with something awful for you.”  
  
“Addison. I can’t stay there. I don’t know if you’ll understand. I’ll stay as long as I can, but I can’t stay there indefinitely. If Callie has to stay there, then I will be heartbroken, but I can’t change her. You should know that.”  
  
“Don’t let her push you away. Don’t let her let you go.”  
  
“Addison. I give you my word that I won’t let her give up. I can’t force her to come with me, but I will encourage her as much as possible to come away with me.”  
  
“Okay.” She sighs.  
  
***  
  
How is it that you can hear a smile? Callie smiles whenever we are on the phone. I am so glad that she is happy since she was miserable when she dropped me off at the airport. Maybe she went in to the hospital and followed my advice and cut somebody open? Wow. I haven’t cut anyone open today and I won’t be for a few days. I guess there is more to life than surgery. Erica Hahn is on this trip on behalf of Dr. Hahn who had to stay in Seattle for now. How odd?  
  
“The results are back from our exams!” Callie is all but squealing and I wish I could be there to see her happy dance of joy! She had a really hard time focusing the two weeks before her exams, but she was able to trade sexual favors for study time, which was a win-win for me I must say. Well, except when she wanted the studying part and withheld the sex part…  
  
“So how does it feel to be an attending?” I am thrilled for her and want her to know she’s reached the next level.  
  
“I’m not an attending yet.” Aww, I love modest Callie, because usually she then turns on the charm and she gets this special twinkle in her eye.  
  
“But you are, you’re ready, I mean. The next big step. I’m so proud of you, honey.” I feel lame, but I want her to know that I really am proud of her. I’m impressed with her and respect her and I am not for most people.  
  
“Aww. I got a honey out of it. I should pass my boards every day.” Now she’s just messing with me. I guess that’s only fair since I’m not there to help her celebrate.  
  
“When I get home to you we can really celebrate, ok?”  
  
“Yeah. I just wish you were here now.” I can’t actually hear it, but I can see it in my mind: Callie on the phone in her boy shorts, and tank, and actually stamping her foot on the ground to pout that I’m not there with her.  
  
“No pouting.” I scold her. “Even though it’s kinda cute.”  
  
“Kinda? Only kinda?”  
  
“This long-distance thing doesn’t work for us, huh?” There’s silence and I realize the double impact of what I just said. I hold my breath waiting for Callie’s response, but she chooses to focus on the positive.  
  
“No, I guess not. At least I’ll be there soon. I can’t wait to see Addison.”  
  
“I can’t wait to see you.”  
  
“I love you.”  
  
“I love you back.”  
  
When I was a resident I was out to show the world that I could conquer cardio. I was driven and because of my natural ability I had the most choices of anyone in my year. I could go anywhere. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone to hold me back or try to influence my decision. I wanted a big program, I wanted higher rankings and I wanted to make my mark in cardiothoracics. I want Callie to have the same freedoms and abilities that I had. She doesn’t get to do this over again. She is just starting out and while I’m only 7 years older, I am that much more established as a doctor. Callie was super excited so I didn’t want to begin interrogating her about her future.  
  
***  
  
In the morning I am glad to be staying with Addison. A comfy bed and the smell of fresh coffee is so much better than waking up in some barren, strange hotel room. When I come downstairs though I have to wonder why she took me to the beach near the clinic, when we could have stood out on her back porch and taken it all in. I guess we couldn’t have seen the boardwalk from her house, but the whole waves and tranquility part would have been the same. Sam comes over at the end of breakfast and he is welcoming and lighthearted. Addison further surprises me by saying that she’ll go to work with Sam and that directions to St. Ambrose are on the counter with the keys to her red roadster.  
  
After they leave, I go check out the directions so that I can plan for enough time to go to the hospital. Addison has drawn a map indicating the best beach parking, the boardwalk, her clinic, the hospital and other local details that `I wished I’d known about my first couple of days’. No wonder Addison is Callie’s favorite person, she’s rapidly becoming one of mine. Addison even indicated some of the driving times. I check my watch and find that if I hurry I will have time to check out the boardwalk area of Santa Monica and still get to the hospital in plenty of time.  
  
I find parking and stroll down the street to the plaza. When I reach the famous area where the skaters, walkers, and general touristy stuff is going on, I just sit on a bench and watch it all go by. You can see the waves, the January sun is bright and friendly, it’s not too chilly, there are people everywhere, cars going by, and there is a hum under it all. I think it is that California sense of adventure, that sense that anything is possible here. Everything seems so bright and alive. I am not blind to the homeless flittering around in the area, or the poor driving of many of the inhabitants, or the air that I know is not of great quality. But for the first time in a long time I see possibility, the good outweighs the bad, and I am struck by the idea that something good is just on the horizon.  
  
It has been a long time since I breathed deep the absolute power that comes with knowing I can make a change for the better in my life and nothing is standing in my way. It is like when I was choosing which hospital to become an attending at, which area of the country I wanted to go to and why I wanted to go there. I am excited for myself for the first time in all of this, and I am doubly excited for Callie who will be tasting this for the first time. I arrive at St. Ambrose early, refreshed, and excited—which is not a bad way to start an interview.  
  
“Dr. Erica Hahn?”  
  
“Yes. Dr. Charlotte King?”  
  
“Indeed.”  
  
***  
  
St. Ambrose is like most hospitals, however, the staff is supportive and friendly to an unusual level. The staff at Mercy West for example is rather cold and intimidating even to each other. The staff at Seattle Grace is cliquey and quick to judge and include or exclude. The staff at St. Ambrose is formal, but friendly. They are not in competition with each other and they treat each other with a friendly warmth. At the same time there were no overly personal exchanges or little groups lingering anywhere that I could see. Of course, any large institution is going to have some kind of social structure—I mean there are tons of people working here, I’m not stupid, but this seems more—healthy. The chief is respected to the point that she doesn’t need to use fear, but her wrath is kept at the ready in the instance that there is a need to act quickly and quell a problem. I instantly compare her to Richard and he loses at every turn. That crap with Izzy Stevens? Dr. King would not have let that kind of asshattery slide by in her hospital.  
  
I leave with a clearer understanding of just how much I need to leave Seattle, and a whole lot of other things to think about. I head over to the clinic to see Addison. She doesn’t have any plans for lunch so I suggest that we eat sandwiches at her place so she can have her car back. She seems to understand my need to just hang out and think and soak up the sun and the waves.  
  
“How did it go?”  
  
“Great and Dr. King seems to have the place under control. Her staff seems focused on work and happy about it.” Addison seems pleased and she has a twinkle in her eye.  
  
“Yeah, it’s a pretty great hospital. And so different from Seattle Grace! You can tell immediately.”  
  
“It’s funny you work somewhere and you just get used to it, but when you go somewhere else with an eye to what’s different, wow, then you remember that it doesn’t have to be that way.”  
  
“It’s like swimming in a cold pool and not even thinking about getting out and going to the jacuzzi.” I’m not sure of Addison’s image, but I guess that it works. You don’t even realize that it’s not the best environment, until you get out and go somewhere else.  
  
“I guess. I mean I worked at Mercy West and it was certainly different than Seattle Grace, but I guess I had forgotten that somehow.”  
  
Addison is shaking her head; her eyes are a vibrant blue as she remembers. “I know. When I came from New York, Seattle was a shock to my system in more ways than one. And then coming here to the clinic? Well, you saw how it is.”  
  
“Yeah. Do you miss the hospital and surgeries? I can’t imagine working in such a small practice and not being able to cut people open on a daily basis.”  
  
“Well, I miss it sometimes, which is why I let Richard and Charlotte lure me over to visit every so often. But the last time I was over at St. Ambrose I did 4 surgeries in one day and I didn’t know anything about my patients. I operated on one woman and didn’t even know her name. When I talked to her husband later he was frustrated that she had to have a second surgery and he pointed out to me that I didn’t even know his wife. It was kind of shocking to me.”  
  
“So you like to be more personally involved with your patients?”  
  
“It’s not just that. That day was all about cutting. I had a lot going on and I was just there to cut and at the end of it I realized that there is so much more to it than that. I should at least know a little bit about my patients and their stories. Of course, if I worked there full time like Seattle Grace, then I’d know a little bit more. But it’s not guaranteed. At the practice I know my patients and I go with them when they need surgery. It’s different. I don’t get too attached, but at the same time I have a much better understanding of their well-being.”  
  
“Ok. I get that. So, you like it here?” I truly understood the idea of trying to get the bigger picture. Medically it is important to know the entire story like when I think about Mr. O’Malley and even Denny Duquette. I came in to operate and had no idea at the time of who they were or any of the circumstances around them.  
  
“Yes. I am finding my own way in this place. I am not someone’s wife. I don’t share a practice with my husband. I’m not a cheater here or McSatan. I am difficult and intriguing, but I am me. It is interesting to enjoy the solitude, awkwardness, newness, struggle, flirtyness and all of it. I am not living in the shadow of anyone else. I haven’t found the picture book story yet, but I think it’s a few chapters ahead for me.”  
  
“I get that. I had to go through that when I chose cardio and became an attending. I was defining who I was and carving a place for myself in my work. I was only challenging myself and was not impacted by any personal leanings or interactions. But I have defined myself and I realize that it is lonely.”  
  
“You sound so much like me.” Her eyes flash against mine, but then she looks outside with a big sigh. “I came down here with the intent of having a baby and I was so jealous of Nae. She had gone ahead and had the husband and the baby, while Derek and I had focused on our careers. I established myself as a premier neo-natal surgeon, but I was lonely and empty. It sounds like you established your career and are lonely and a little jealous of me because I had those personal messes.”  
  
“Jealous of that mess?” I turn to her with my chin down and a smirk on my face.  
  
She just laughs and wipes her face with her napkin. “No. I don’t mean that particular brand of mess, and I don’t mean it in any kind of bad way. Just that we each chose a path and sometimes we are lacking something that we later found to be important. Nae was a little jealous of me for becoming a famous surgeon with my famous surgeon husband, but I was jealous of her for starting a family.”  
  
“Okay. I’ll give you that.” I pause thinking. I barely know this woman and yet we have so much in common and here we are having a very frank, very personal conversation. It took me months to get to know Callie, but I’ve been here what amounts to hours and I’m not even worried about letting my guard down. So much has changed in the last several months, it’s so amazing when I notice it like now.  
  
“What are you thinking?” Addison has waited patiently as I’ve chewed and pondered.  
  
“It’s nothing. I was just thinking about how long it usually takes for me to get to know someone. It’s weird to have such deep conversations with you and I hardly know you. Callie sure didn’t tell me enough how wonderful you are.”  
  
“Aww. Thanks.” She pauses taking a sip of her water. “You still have to answer my question.” She is sizing me up with her eyes as she pauses. “I don’t know you that well, but I know there’s a lot more going on behind those baby blues. I have my own you know. We can’t hide.”  
  
I sigh heavily. “It’s just. It’s just that Callie needs to do some of these things on her own. You know? She’s where we were 7 years ago starting out.”  
  
Addison is staring me down with her one eyebrow cocked up and her mouth slightly open. “You’re worried that Callie will make a decision because of you and later she will wish that she had done something for herself.” It’s a question, but it’s a statement and it hangs there.  
  
“Callie and I have spent so much time together, but we’ve never talked about what she was going to do when her residency ended. I just don’t know what she was planning on her own. Seattle is a great place for ortho with the hockey injuries, cold weather injuries, and fishermen. It’s not the only great place for ortho, but I just don’t know what she was considering. Had she talked to you about her plans? What if she wants to go somewhere and never says so?”  
  
“She hasn’t talked to me about any of that either. I never even thought about it. I guess I always forgot that Callie was a resident, you know.”  
  
“Hearts are everywhere. I’ve proven myself enough that cases will come to me, and I can moonlight as a guest doc anywhere. I don’t need to prove myself or find myself. But I don’t want to take that away from her.”  
  
“Have you talked to Callie about any of this?”  
  
“No. It was just one foot in front of the other since the big scandal. I had hoped that there would be some reasonable changes and I could stay, but it’s not going to happen. Callie has been so understanding of how I can’t be there anymore, and she said she’d come with me. But we haven’t really talked beyond that. You know we spent our first Thanksgiving and Christmas together? And yet there’s been this looming cloud over us that I have to leave. We get to celebrate Callie passing her boards. It’s such a jumble and we haven’t talked much.”  
  
“You know the more that we talk, the more that I like you and understand. I was angry that you were going to leave Callie and hurt her. I couldn’t see straight. She called me and begged me to help you, so I did. I couldn’t understand her working so hard to help you leave. Listening to you talk about how you want Callie to be free, I get it. You love her so much and don’t want to pressure or overwhelm her. It’s so sad and endearing to watch the two of you.”  
  
“I can’t overwhelm her, but this is all overwhelming.”  
  
“I guess she doesn’t respond well to overwhelming, huh?”  
  
“We are so not going there. I’m still mad at you for starting all of this. And I could just kill Sloan.”  
  
Addison is laughing now. “Whoa, tiger. Don’t be mad at me. I helped more than I hurt; at least I like to think so. And Sloan, go ahead and kill him. I’m sure we can make it look like a medical mystery. We have like 10 degrees between us.” We both laugh for a minute each privately contemplating the demise of Sloan.  
  
It’s an easy silence and I am tempted to just sit and watch the waves outside. The thoughts just won’t go away though. Callie, overwhelmed, things we do without talking about them. “Did you know she moved in with me?”  
  
Addison drops her napkin on the plate her eyes questioning me. “She did? She didn’t tell me.”  
  
“I don’t think she’s told herself either. Or Cristina.”  
  
“That’s so sweet and sad. I’m sorry, Erica. I guess it’s hard to ask her where you should both move to and it’s all up to her, if she hasn’t officially even moved in with you.” She’s full out laughing now. I guess it is spectacularly funny. World-renown heart surgeon and future orthopedic goddess trying to figure out if they should go to the same college when they grow up or say a bittersweet goodbye as they head in different directions knowing it won’t work out. American Pie much?  
  
Addison’s pager goes off and our leisurely lunch comes to an end. “You need to talk to her, but don’t overwhelm her.” Addison is still laughing. “Good luck, Erica. I’ve helped all that I can, I think.” She has tears in her eyes from laughing so hard.  
  
“You’re awful, Addison.” I say and throw a grape at her.  
  
“Satan, remember. Good luck.” And she heads out the door.  
  
***  
  
I haven’t seen Callie in days and watching her walk out the doors and onto the sidewalk where Addison and I are waiting is like watching the sunrise on a cool crisp morning full of promise. Raven haired beauty, lovely Latina, caramel skin, the bone crusher, Callie, Callie, Callie—all things Callie are gorgeous and I almost trip on the curb getting out of the car to greet her I’m so flustered and eager. Addison gets out of the car and comes around the back. Callie and I crash into each other all arms, and kisses and sweet nothings. Addison laughs and takes Callie’s suitcase to the trunk.  
  
“Let me in.” Addison slaps my arm and hugs Callie when I release her.  
  
Then we’re in the car and heading towards Addison’s place. I can’t help turning around to look at Callie more often than I should. I can’t help it, she’s gorgeous, sort of mine, and I haven’t seen her in a while.  
  
“Wow. Addy, this is a nice place.” Callie is coolly surveying the area and Addison’s house as we pull up. We get out of the car and I let Addison drag Callie in while I get her suitcase. It’s only fair after all, Addison is going to be leaving tomorrow so that we can have some alone time, so she needs to get as much Callie time in as she can.  
  
“The beach is just off the back of the house so we can have dinner out there together and just relax.” Addison is showing Callie around and talking with her. It is so good to see them together and happy.  
  
“I can’t wait to relax. The past couple of days have been extra stressful without Erica and Izzie was on my service two of those days.”  
  
“How come you didn’t tell me?”  
  
“Focus on the positive? I just wanted to talk to you and not about all of that.” Callie gives me a tender kiss. I can’t help but feel proud of her for handling herself so well, but also sad because she feels the need to protect me from the madness that is SGH.  
  
“You passed your boards!” Addison chimes in to remind us of those positives.  
  
“Yes, I did. Now Cristina is following me around asking for my study cards and secrets. She still has years, but she’s already starting in.”  
  
“You better not tell her any of your secrets.” I laugh and she laughs and Addison gives us her raised eyebrow biting the inside of her lip look.  
  
After a few moments of giggling, she throws up her hands, “I don’t want to know do I?” To which we respond with a fresh fit of giggles. Addison leaves the room adding, “Dinner will be in two hours. I’m going to go have a coffee or bug Sam or something. Get settled in.”  
  
***  
  
The door slams downstairs and Addison might as well have fired the starter gun for a track race. Callie’s hands are in my hair immediately and her body is so close to mine so suddenly that I step back into the door. Recovering I wrap my arms around her waist and hold her tightly. I can’t get enough of her lips, her tongue, her skin, her hair, her smell—everything HER. Callie smiles into the kiss and pulls away. She cocks her eyebrow and bites the inside of her lip imitating Addison. “Get settled in.” Callie looks like one of those devilish sprites out of a movie somewhere and that particular look on her does not indicate any kind of `settling in’ unless it’s into the bed post-haste.   
  
“Callie.” I warn her, but I can hear the lust in my own voice so I know there is no chance of remaining stern. “Two hours, Callie.” I point at her with my index finger. “You should unpack.” But I can’t help it and I smile largely at her and her lovely eyes. She is looking at me seductively as her mouth hovers over my finger, then she sucks it in her mouth.  
  
I lean against the door fully again, and my breath catches. She stands with a very satisfied smirk. “I want to settle in.” Her mouth is on mine but she holds her arms out to the sides not touching me. I don’t know what they served on the plane, but if she’s like this every time she flies, then I think we should go somewhere every week, if not more often.  
  
“Callie. My Callie.” I moan out as she continues to kiss her way down my neck and suck on my pulse point. I can’t believe how good she feels to me. She is only touching me with her mouth, but she is everywhere, my body is on fire for her and I can’t believe she hasn’t touched me yet. “I love you, Callie.” I can’t stand it any longer and I hold her face, her hair in my hands bringing her lips back to mine so that I can look her in the eye and tease her bottom lip with my tongue.  
  
Callie is still holding her arms out and not touching me and I’m dying for her. She knows this as she continues to tease me against the door. “Help me settle in.” She says breathlessly, but still teasing. I’m not sure what she’s up to, but I want to play whatever game she cooked up on the plane. “Undress me.” She whispers.  
  
I come off the door walking her backwards to the bed. Callie stops when she reaches it and finally her hands come to my hair and she kisses me hard again. I reach under her shirt and unclasp her bra, then I run my hands to the front of her again and my fingers trail under the bra pinching her nipples and causing her to moan my name into my mouth. I pull back a little and chuckle. I love the noises she makes when she’s aroused. I pull her shirt up and her bra free, then her hands are in my hair again, and she holds it tight enough that the slightest change is a small tug on my scalp that sends crazy messages all the way down my body.  
  
Without breaking the kiss, I unbutton her pants shoving them awkwardly down her legs. She still hasn’t touched me except for her mouth and hands in my hair. My need for her is so intense that I can’t stop to tease her into touching me. I lift her onto the high bed with her legs dangling off the side. I look up to her through lust filled eyes and take in the vision that is Callie Torres—her hair, eyes, gentle face, skin, collar bone, breasts, stomach, center, thighs, legs… It is simply too much. I take one of her nipples into my mouth and bite and suck at it until she moans. My other hand teases her other nipple until it is erect and waiting, but then I trail it down her side and over her thigh to her center. Feather light, I caress her center and she opens more for me leaning her body back on her arms her head rolls back on her shoulders and her long hair brushes the covers. My fingers move to her center as my tongue thrums against her nipple and she moans louder arching her back like a bow because I am rooted in her and she is up on her arms her breasts thrusting heavenward.  
  
Finally she crashes forward. Her legs lock around me hitting my back hard, her arms around me and her mouth seeking mine. She is frantic and close and she pulls back to look in my eyes as I thrust and curl into her. “I love you, Erica. I love you.” Then she is all breathing and grasping and clenching around me—around my waist, around my shoulders, and tightest around my heart. We stay that way breathing for a very long time. Or what seems like a very long time and I kiss her hair and hug her with my free arm and tell her how much I love her. It is a breathy sweaty back and forth of amazement and I love you.  
  
“Erica. I need you to feel what I feel. I need you up here with me.” Her eyes are glassy with unshed tears and I am taken aback. I simply climb fully clothed onto the bed and hold her.  
  
“Callie. Baby. I’m here. What? What is it?” I am holding her so close to me that I am afraid I am hurting her. She has her face buried into my shoulder and her breathing is ragged. I instinctively throw a leg over her shielding her with my whole body against some unknown foe.  
  
“I thought I got it. I thought I understood it all, Erica. I thought I knew what you had gone through and that I had made it up to you.”  
  
“Shhh. Baby. What is it? I’m here. Shhh.” I am smoothing her hair, running my hands all over her back and sides. Her breathing is starting to even out.  
  
“You said that you didn’t think you needed glasses and then you got them you realized how much you needed them.” Callie is crying or close to it and I am not sure what has brought this on, I made my crazy declaration over two months ago and we haven’t really brought it up since.  
  
“Shh. Callie. What? Why are you upset about that baby?”  
  
“I didn’t get it. I freaked. When I thought you were gone I knew that I couldn’t let you go. I knew that living without you would be impossible. But I didn’t get it.” Callie is hanging onto the front of my shirt and she is starting to repeat herself. “I get it. Without you these past few days, living in your house while you were here, and then having you take me this way.” Callie pushes me back just enough to look in my eyes. “I can’t believe that I left you that morning. If you felt like I feel now. I am so sorry, Erica. That was the most beautiful moment I’ve ever had and it was all because of you. All because you woke me up, and stayed with me, and won’t let me go. I get it now. I needed glasses and didn’t know it, just like you said. I am so sorry. So sorry that it took me all this time to really truly see it, to see you. I couldn’t live without you before, but now-” She sniffs. “Now you’re like my air.” She clutches tightly to me again and cries a little harder.  
  
“Oh Callie. Sweetie. You are definitely my air.” I continue to trace patterns on her body as she relaxes and evens out. I kiss her hair and her cheek, until she finally smiles and gazes deeply into my eyes.  
  
“I love you.” And I echo her words.  
  
This kiss is tender and full of all the unspoken parts of our love that are being tested each day. Eventually her hands are roaming my body in search of skin. When Callie can’t touch me the way she wants to she simply pushes me away and says, “Strip.” I chuckle at her and comply. Then we are wound up in each other and it is all arms and legs and kissing… As she slides her fingers through my wet desire, I shudder out the most fantastic release I’ve ever had and grab her close to me.  
  
“Stay.” I breathe into her ear; surprised I can even get the words out.  
  
Callie giggles, but stays wrapped up inside me. I shudder again. “I think you feel like I felt just now.” She’s smiling and I can feel it against my hair so I turn and kiss her again. When I do she shifts against me again and I moan into her mouth. Callie shudders a tiny bit against me sharing in my wave.  
  
The downstairs door opens and Addy’s loud footsteps echo across the hallway. She’s actually jingling her keys. “All settled in girls? I brought dinner.” Callie and I dissolve into a fit of giggles and we kiss again before joining our gracious host for dinner.

 

 

…


	4. Reality Sinks In

**Becoming Okay—part 4**  
      
Addison’s house is well, fantastic and we spend most of the weekend there.  California sunshine beckons to us just outside and the bustle of the boardwalk calls to us, but we are happy for the most part to snuggle and thank Addison loudly every so often.  I don’t know anything about this place really. I mean who doesn’t have some concept of Los Angeles, but really being here and knowing it?  That’s a little different.  I mean I thought the clinic was in Beverly Hills, but it’s in Santa Monica.  What I do know is that I breathe easier here.  I can let that tomahawk I’ve been carrying around for months at Seattle Grace drop from my hand.  Callie can feel it too.  She is happier and constantly watching me.  I catch her all the time and she smirks but doesn’t look away.  
  
Today I want to go out with her and have some Santa Monica fun.  Before my interview I had gone down the boardwalk and checked it out and Addison had told me about some other interesting places to check out as well, like the Camera Obscura.  Callie and I were only here for a couple of more days and Addison was due back tomorrow, this was my final day to have a touristy kind of trip alone with Callie and I wanted to see some of the sights together and take some pictures.  
  
“Why are we going to the Senior Center, Erica?”  
  
“Just wait.  Trust me.  I want to see everything that we possibly can together.”  I ask for the key and leave my drivers’ license.  Then I lead Callie upstairs to the pitch-black room.  
  
“What is this, Erica?”  
  
“The word camera means room.  This is a giant camera—called the Camera Obscura.”  Our eyes have adjusted and I motion to the 4-foot table in the middle of the room.  “This is a picture of the world outside.”  Callie leans in closer and I can feel her heat radiating to me.  I lean closer to her with my lips on her neck and cheek.  “We can rotate the images we see using the wheel there.”  
  
Callie is fascinated and points out a couple of things so I settle in behind her and wrap my arms around her.  I love that we are the only ones here and with the door shut it’s likely to stay that way.  Callie motions that I should turn the wheel and she wiggles in delight as the image on the table rotates too.  I go around the whole area a couple of times back and forth watching the images change, but mostly paying attention to Callie.  We haven’t done much outside of the hospital and the little bit more that we’ve done now, makes me even crazier about her.  I return to her side and she turns to face me against the railing around the table.  “This is really nice Erica.  How’d you know about it?”  
  
“Addison.  She’s been trying to help me find my way.”  I say as I cup Callie’s cheek and bring her lips to mine.  Lip to lip and then teasing with the tongue, we build the kiss slowly.  There’s no rush just a special tenderness that we are sharing a special moment as a couple.  I think that we both can feel it for once—we’re a couple.  And for now, that means something.  For now, there is no Seattle Grace and nowhere else and no decisions to be made or conversations to be had.  We are a couple.  
  
I cup Callie’s breast over her shirt.  She reaches under my shirt and behind my back as she unclasps my bra.  I moan as I feel my breasts free and then her hand tickles my rib cage and begins to tease my nipple.  I start to kiss Callie’s neck, but she kneels down so that she can take the other nipple into her mouth as she raises my shirt up.  My hands are tangled in her hair and I want her so bad that I wish we had stayed in today.  Maybe a darkened isolated room wasn’t such a good idea.  Callie bites a little harder on my nipple and then she smooths the sting with the flat of her tongue and I’m beginning to think it was the best idea ever.  That is until I hear footsteps on the stairs.  
  
“Callie.  Shit.  Stop.  Callie.”  
  
“Uh.  Erica.  Let’s go.”  
  
We are both startled to say the least.  There’s no way for me to re-clasp my bra in the amount of time it will take whoever to open the door.  So, I pick up my sweatshirt that had fallen to the floor during Callie’s wardrobe make over and jam it on over my head.  At least that will cover the crazy bra shape under my shirt until I can get to a bathroom and fix it.  We are just about ready to go when the door opens.  Callie giggles and I hold my breath.  Three elderly ladies and a gentleman come into the room.  
  
“Is it working today?  Will the lens rotate?”  
  
“Oh, it’s working all right.”  Callie says as she follows me out the door.   
  
***  
  
The garage door closes and Callie is on me.  The top was down on the roadster and I think I love Addison, but then I know that I love Callie as she urges my legs apart.  “Let the seat slide back.”  She breathes into my ear in a low throaty whisper.  She climbs over me and impatiently drags my sweatshirt, shirt and bra up in a slightly painful mess, but I don’t care.  The look of desire in her eyes is like nothing I’ve ever seen.  Maybe we should start to make out and get caught in more places…  Hmm.      
  
“Cal-lie.”  I moan out against her skin.  
      
I pull her shirt up and she throws it to the passenger seat.  Callie unhooks her bra while I’m unfastening her pants.  She claims my mouth and a powerful kiss that is all teeth and tongue and biting off my lips.  Then she breaks her own kiss reaching down along the door to lower the seat.  It lies almost flat and that’s good enough for now.  We can’t stop because we would have to go inside and start over and we’ve already been interrupted once and we have got to do this now.  I always thought car sex was a little awkward and juvenile, but Callie is anything but awkward and she’s way beyond juvenile.  As Callie’s lips find mine, and her hand snakes down my body and into my panties I stop thinking.  
  
“Callie. Let’s go inside.  I need to feel you, baby.”   
      
***  
  
“Girls?  Callie?  Erica?”  Addison is downstairs and I feel like I’ve been caught having sex the morning after a party by my older sister or something.  I don’t have an older sister, but I think it would feel like this.  The door is open to the bedroom and we are naked.  We made it inside to the living room and took the edge off there.  Then we had a snack in the kitchen, followed by some dessert on Addison’s back deck under a blanket that we drug out there and the stars.  When we got cold, we left the blanket and came upstairs to shower (you know to warm up and get the salt air out of our hair).  Then we just kind of went to bed early so we could, uh, get a good start on the day.  
  
“Callie.”  I whisper.  
  
“Hmmffhpphk.”  
  
“Callie, Addison is coming upstairs, right now.  CALLIE.”  I shake her shoulder and try again.  “Addison is home.  She’s on her way up.”  She grumbles again and hugs the blanket tighter around her.  I hop out of bed, throw my robe onto Callie who hasn’t moved and grab my last pajamas from the top of my suitcase and jump into the bathroom.  
  
Addison has wandered the downstairs surveying the scene we left for her, and I can hear her calling to us as she climbs the steps.  Her voice has this authoritarian air to it, infused with seduction, and question.  It’s quite attractive, even if I was almost caught naked in her guest room.  “Callie.  I know you’re here.  You left your clothes so I don’t think you’ve left the building.”  Her tone is amused as she reaches the open doorway.  I am brushing my teeth and trying not to giggle.  I am going to get in so much trouble, but Callie wasn’t moving and my instinct for self-preservation kicked in.  “Oh, you naughty little thing.”  Addison sucks her teeth from the doorway where she’s looking at Callie.  “Cal-lie.”  She sing songs.  I can’t help but sneak back to the doorway to look, it’s too much to resist.  
  
“Hmmffhpphk.”  Callie mumbles into the pillow.  
  
“Callie.  You’ve been a naughty girl.”  Addison is enjoying this.  I am very glad, because she could have been pissed at the scene she came home to.  Maybe she hasn’t been out to the garage yet?  
  
“Erica.  Don’t you hide in there.  You’re just as naughty as she is.”  
  
“Whaaathhmmpk.”  I run to spit the toothpaste out and rinse.  Oh My God.  Caught by your older sister would be easier than this.  
  
“Erica.  I thought you were a good girl and I could trust you.”  Addison begins to tease still standing in the doorway as I enter the room.  She cocks an eyebrow at me and sucks her teeth again.  Then she smiles full out.  I must have turned three shades of red and I still haven’t found my voice.  “Callie.  Wake up I want to know about your weekend.”  Addison takes one step into the room and shakes the foot of the bed.  
  
“What?!”  Callie jerks awake clutching for the covers as she sits up and takes in the situation. She sees Addison and her eyes grow as big as saucers.  Then she looks for me and I know she thinks I betrayed her the instant her eyes lock on mine.  I bite my lip.  Callie grabs the robe.  
  
“Come on, get up.”  Addison says.  “I want to hear all about it before I punish you.”  Then Addison smirks at me and walks down the hall to her bedroom.  
  
***  
  
I have been nervously gathering our clothes, dishes, blankets, and generally doing anything I can think of to put Addison’s place back in order.  Anything I can think of to not go and sit with Addison and Callie.  I even went out to the garage and put Addison’s seat back in the proper position and gathered my sweatshirt, shirt, and bra combination that had been left the previous afternoon.  I wanted to give Callie and Addison girl time to talk, since they hardly ever saw each other.  
  
“Erica.  Quit hovering.”  I pause mid-movement because I know I have been caught.  Addison is quite the bright spark and she doesn’t pull any punches either.  
  
“I just, um, need to, uh.” I go upstairs with the clothes that I’ve retrieved and need to stash in the guest room so that Addison can’t give me that look again.  
  
From downstairs I hear, “Callie.  Tell your girl to get in here.”  Addison sure is a bossy little thing.  Well, it is her house and she knows she can get to me, so I guess I understand.  
  
There’s a quick footfall of steps and Callie crashes into me from behind making me drop the clothes as her mouth latches onto my neck.  I moan a little and pull out of her arms.  “Callie.”  I turn to face her and am so nearly seduced by that sexy look in her eyes and devilish grin.  I can actually see the little she-devil on her shoulder with its arm outstretched and one finger curling to beckon me to her.  
  
“What Erica?  If you want to hide from Addison, then I’ll hide with you.  Or you can come join us instead of lurking about like you’re in trouble.”  Callie is kissing the side of my jaw and making her way down my neck.  
  
“We are not hiding up here.”  
  
“Then come down with me and spend time.”  
  
“I’m kind of embarrassed, Callie.”  
  
“Well at least you were up when she got to the door.  I was in a blanket and not awake.  How long was she there anyway?”  
  
I know that Addison has told her the whole thing already, but I stop like a deer frozen in headlights anyway.  “Uh.  I heard her coming and tried to wake you up.  But you wouldn’t move, so I grabbed the jamas and jumped into the bathroom.  Then she came in and you still wouldn’t wake up.”  I try to look innocent, sorry and sheepish at the same time.  
  
It must work a little because she grins mightily at me and kisses me.  “You are so busted.  Now get downstairs.”  She waits and makes me go in front of her so that I can’t escape.  
  
Addison takes it easy on me and lets Callie distract her by asking about her weekend with the SWAT team guy.  I can’t tell if she likes him for real or just kind of.  She hadn’t mentioned him much until the weekend got close and I wonder if she went out for the weekend to give us some space.  
  
Callie has scooted as close as she can to me and her arm is around my lower back and I’ve never felt so good in my life.  My initial awkwardness around Addison because of this morning, was replaced instantly when Callie put her arm around me.  Couple—there’s that feeling again, that moment, that status.  I turn to look at Callie, my Callie, but then my eyes pop open wide in surprise. “Hey.”  Callie turns to me, “Addison is coming back with us.  Richard called her for a couple of surgeries.”  I smile widely at her enthusiasm.  
  
“Great, she can stay at our, uh, my place if she’d like.”  I turn to Addison for encouragement, afraid to look at Callie.  We still haven’t talked about whether she moved in or not.  Mostly it’s just a vocabulary question because I’m going to leave soon, but it does symbolize if she’s with me or not because the next question will be if she wants to move when I move.  Of course, that leads to the question of where we’ll move to and who chooses that, and we haven’t gone anywhere near that.  
  
Addison cuts through all of that in her way and says, “I’d love to stay with you.”  You can be singular or plural and she didn’t say whose house it was in order to completely take up the offer and avoid all the troubles of my semantics.  
  
***  
  
Callie is in the bathroom at LAX.  Apparently, she’s nervous about going back to Seattle.  I know she’s not nervous about flying.  She loves flying.  In fact, I think if something happened and she wasn’t allowed to be a doctor, she’d probably be a pilot.  I’m glad that she’s on the ground working with me and not up in the air being tempted to try her luck with the weather, or a daredevil trick, or crazy people or I don’t know.  I’m the one who is a little nervous about flying at any rate.  And going back to Seattle after this reality break is definitely getting to me.  It is also becoming more and more real to me that I need to talk to Callie about so many things, because we are once again running out of time and don’t seem to be using our time wisely.  
  
“Did you talk to her?”  Addison, on the other hand, doesn’t waste any time.  
  
“No.  Uh.  We enjoyed not being in Seattle and just being together for real for once.”  Addison is giving me that look again.  I can’t help but think she is Cuba Gooding in Jerry Maguire telling him to have the talk with the girl and Jerry isn’t having any of it.  Unfortunately, that makes me, uh, Tom Cruise?  No, yetch.  “Addison, I don’t want to pressure her.  I don’t know if she’s even really thought about what this all means.  Have you talked to her since she passed her boards?”  
  
“No.  I haven’t either.  Maybe this will be a good trip for all of us.  I need to see things for myself.  Maybe I could ask her why she didn’t tell me she moved in with you.  You know like when I thought you two were a couple.  You know it could help. Look at you now.”  Addison’s rambling and reaching for the stars now and I am so glad to know that I can intimidate her as much as she intimidates me.  I am also glad that my patented death glare hasn’t lost its focus, as we head back to Seattle I feel the need to get all of my weapons ready.  
  
“I’m so glad that you’re coming back with us, Addie.  It makes it so much better.”  Callie says as she sits down close to me and takes my hand and holds it in her lap.  
  
“So will you stay at Erica’s this week too?”  Addison keeps her eyes on Callie, but I know that hint of a smirk at the corner of her mouth is just for me.  
  
“Oh, yeah.  I wouldn’t miss it:  two of my favorite people in the same place.  I couldn’t stay away if I tried.  See it only took me five days to come down here to be with you and Erica.”  
  
The announcer states that we will begin boarding and to line up according to boarding group and number.  We stand and I catch Addison’s eyes.  She just shrugs at me with a wicked smile.  “McSatan.”  I whisper and she raises her eyebrows at me in acceptance of a challenge I unwittingly just laid down.  This is going to be a long week and I am suddenly even more nervous for this plane ride.  
  
***  
  
“This is your house, Erica?  It’s fantastic.”  
  
“Thanks, uh. I got it a few years ago but haven’t been able to do too many upgrades.  Luckily, it had been renovated recently when I bought it.”  
  
“You’ve decorated it nicely.”  
  
“Addie, come on.  I’ll show you where to put your stuff and give you the tour.”  Callie excitedly grabs Addison’s arm and one of her bags leading her down the hall.  Addison makes sure to catch my eye as Callie drags her off on the tour.  I mouth `I know’ to her and then drag our suitcases to the bedroom and begin to unpack them.  I make myself busy in the bedroom unpacking our things as I hear them wander from room to room.  
  
“Callie, how come all your stuff is in here?”  I can hear Addison and Callie approach the bedroom and I have nowhere to hide except for the bathroom again so I stand my ground unpacking the suitcases on the bed and putting things in the laundry and away.  Addison does not play nice even for a few hours and while I want to hear the conversation—I also wish that it was over and I was just getting the re-caps.  
  
Callie giggles.   “Addison.”  But then I can’t hear anything as she talks into Addison’s ear or something and I have to put the shoes into the walk-in closet so I end up just out of earshot anyway.  The walk-in closet apparently is the next thing on the tour and so of course they follow me to the door.  
  
“Why didn’t you tell me you moved in here?”  I think smoke comes out of my ears as they turn an even redder shade than my face.  I turn ready to challenge Addison and face the panic I see in Callie’s eyes.  
  
“I didn’t move in.  I, uh.”  Callie stutters to a stop and she looks around her.  They are standing in the door of the walk-in closet and I am standing in the middle with Callie’s shoes in my hand trying to figure out where to put them in her pile of shoes.  To one side are my rather conservative clothes and to the other hanging up like they moved in are Callie’s more expressive clothes.  “I, uh, well, I guess I did move in here.”  Callie stops her eyes locked on mine and I am not sure if it’s a good shock or a bad shock on her face, until she smiles at me like a light bulb just went on.  Callie steps forward to me and gives me a great kiss and I could just do a happy dance right there in front of Addison and take Callie down to the floor, but she pulls back in a flash and grabs the shoes from my hand.  “Here, just toss these.”  
  
“Well, congratulations.”  Addison hugs Callie and then turns to me with a wicked, wicked gleam in her eye that seems to chalk up a point for Team Montgomery.  “Erica, at least one mystery has been solved today.”  Callie beams at me and then the two women are gone and I’m left standing in the walk-in closet shocked, horrified, amused, and deeply happy.  
  
I just might have to kill Addison Forbes Montgomery.  On the other hand, McSatan is right, the mystery of whether or not Callie knows she moved in has been solved and Addie is here to deal with the freak out should one occur.  I have to hand it to the woman, she sees an opportunity and she pounces on it.  As much as I want to kill her, I am incredibly glad she’s here and apparently on my side—even if she is about to become a feisty Nancy Drew intent on scaring the locals, I am happy that she’s here.  
  
***  
  
Another lunch-time at Seattle Grace:  outside tables, people coming and going.  Orderlies, nurses, interns, residents, attendings, the chief, patients and families—it’s a regular melting pot of all things Seattle Grace.  Little turf skirmishes spring up from time to time as various groups try to cling to territory or spread themselves out.  Meredith’s group has had a good run of whatever table they like since they have supplied the most gossip in the last few years.  Everyone wants to keep them in the middle or close by so they get automatic table choice.  The nurses when they struck against Sloan managed to always grab turf near enough to him to make their hatred of him tangible.  He almost always yielded to them and would leave to eat in a lounge area or on-call room.    
  
Addison looks around like she did last time she was here and asks the obvious.  “So, what has changed around here?”  
  
Callie looks at me and looks around at everyone.  “Hmm.  Last time you were here…  Cristina and Meredith were in a dark twisty place, George was the chief’s bitch, Karev’s girlfriend went psycho, Izzie was there for him, McDreamy was with McRebound—as you so eloquently called her, and I was in denial.  Sloan was recovering from the nurse’s boycott.  Bailey was laying low and having her way with words when she defended Sloan to those nurses and her stroke of genius to calm them down was that he was a man-whore.”  
  
I stay silent during Callie’s re-cap.  I did not like a lot of the plot elements, but I know that the story has a happy ending for us, so I just suck it up.  
  
“Yeah, so what’s changed?”  Addison repeats dryly.  
  
“Well Cristina is back to harsh and haughty, but she’s a little soft for the new ER attending, Hunt.  Meredith is all whole and healed and Derek has moved in. George is still whimpering around like a little puppy, but he’s housebroken now and he can have his own interns. Karev must like crazy because he’s back with Izzie kind of, but she’s been acting weird ever since the shit hit the fan about three months ago.”  
  
“Yeah when she was on my service and I found out about the shenanigans that she pulled with Denny Duquette.”  Callie puts her hand on my arm and rubs reassuringly.  Her touch is telling me that I’m stronger than all of this and it will be over soon enough.  
  
Callie continues the mental list of people in her head.  “Oh, McRebound went a little nuts on McDreamy—she knifed him with a scalpel in surgery one day.”  Addison gasps.  “I know, right?  She transferred to pediatrics or something.  Sloan has steered clear of the nurses although he keeps talking about Little Grey.  McDreamy and Meredith look like they want to kill him.  Bailey has been throwing her weight around a little bit since the success of the 12 way kidney transplant domino surgery and that crazy tumor surgery that she made Erica help on.”  
  
“Oh, what a shit day that was.”  I roll my eyes and suck my teeth at the thought of that day.  My realization, Callie’s new freak out, and then trying unsuccessfully to beat Bailey down all day—yeah `what a shit day that was.’  “Grey had her Anatomy Jane doll, came up with the possible solution to the impossible problem.  And I’m a bitch all day.”  Again, Callie reassures me with her hand on my arm, and she dips her head to catch my eyes and holds the contact there.  Brown entrancing pools of love trying to soothe the deep blue pain that flickers again in my own.  
  
“So pretty much, I am not missing a damn thing.”  Addison looks around and nods.  
  
“That’s for sure.”  Callie agrees.  
  
“Yeah, all the rats are jumping ship.”  I heartily chime in, then I point at Izzie.  “Well, except for one.”  
  
***   
  
Callie is getting ready for bed and I can barely keep my eyes open.  I hear the water running in the bathroom and close my eyes smiling that we are here together.  Callie’s already in bed next to me when I open my eyes again.  She’s staring down at me propped on her elbow and I can’t believe how gorgeous she is.  When I open my eyes, she smiles and kisses my forehead.  She trails her fingertips across me in thoughtful patterns and worries her bottom lip. “Is it okay that I told Addison I moved in?”  
  
“It’s true isn’t it?”  I am waking up more and more as she traces patterns on my skin and I realize that she’s trying to talk to me.  
  
“Well, yeah.  Just we never talked about it or anything.”  
  
“You said it yourself that we are a pair of idiots when it comes to figuring out this relationship business.”  
  
“I said that?  I called us a pair of idiots?”  
  
“Yeah.  I say angry and hurtful things and you freak out and run away.”  
  
“Oh, yeah I remember.  That was the day I broke into your house.”  Callie looks at her hand on my skin and shyly smiles.  Her eyes lock on mine and she giggles as I smile.  I grab her hand and entwine our fingers giggling too.  “That was forever ago, wasn’t it?”  
  
“Yeah.  So many things have changed.  I get to hold you every night and say I love you and call you baby.  Change is good.”  
  
“Change is good.”  She gives me a light peck on the lips.  “I love you so much, Erica.  I’m glad I moved in and didn’t realize it.  Now I don’t have to freak out about that part.”  
  
“I think it’s funny that Addison pointed it out to you.”  
  
“Yeah, she’s like my relationship magic 8 ball when it comes to you only better because she’s so right on.”  
  
“I would have asked you to move in properly, but it didn’t occur to me, until you were already here.  Our relationship has been so backward sometimes.”  
  
“Yeah, but if you asked me I would probably have freaked out and we don’t need that right now.”  She stops thinking about what she has to say next.  “I missed you something awful when you were gone, but I’m glad because it made me realize that I shouldn’t worry about things like you being a girl, or it being too soon.  Without knowing it we’ve been dating the whole time so it’s not really too soon and it’s not really about you being a girl.  It’s about me realizing it.  And I did and I am so glad for you every day.”  
  
“You know what I’m glad for every day?”  I say as I walk my fingers across her stomach and feel her muscles flex in anticipation.  
  
“No.”  She says smiling at me with her brown eyes full of love and happiness.  
  
“No?” I challenge her knowingly.  
  
“What are you glad for?  Tell me.  Don’t be shy.”  Callie has a sexy smirk on her face.  
  
I raise up on one elbow and take a moment staring into her beautiful brown eyes.  I cup her cheek and kiss her in a slow kiss that teases and promises in equal measures.  I lower my mouth to her ear as I lower my hand over her collarbone and caress her breast.  In a deep husky voice, I tell her, “I am glad you are the warmth in my bed in the morning.”  I rub my fingertip in a circle around her areola and then just across her nipple.  “I am glad I can touch you this way.”  Her chest rocks as her nipple reminds my fingers of how much she needs me.  I pinch her nipple between my thumb and first finger and twist a little.  She sucks in a lungful of air and holds it.  I know she is wet and wanting, but I’m not done.  
  
“Erica.”  It’s a low whine, the one she gets before she demands and I shiver just to hear her this way.  I drag my fingertips down her ribcage and rest my middle finger on her clit, but I don’t move it.  I listen to her breathing.  
  
“I’m glad you sound like that when you are aroused.  I’m glad that you feel like this.”  I drag my fingers along her center, dipping a finger into her desire as she shudders at the hint of what is to come.  I repeat the teasing circuit.  “I’m glad you taste like this.”  I bring my hand up in front of her and still watching her eyes I suck that middle finger all the way into my mouth.  I can’t believe she’s lying out here for me so vulnerable and open and wanting.  I can’t believe she’s letting me enjoy her so much.  
  
“Erica, baby, please.”  She barely breathes out.  
  
I tweak her nipple and she jumps a little, then I return my hand to her clit and kiss her.  Still keeping eye contact, but watching it become more and more difficult for Callie, turns me on beyond anything I’ve ever experienced before.  As I continue to tell her how glad I am, I slowly stretch with each motion of my hand.  “I’m glad that I know what your lips can do, that you’ll come home to me at night.  I’m glad that you open me up like this and I’m glad that you see through me and know how very much I am in love with you.”  
  
Callie’s hands crash into my body and she pulls me tightly to her as my fingers tip her over into ecstasy and I keep teasing through her orgasm from the first tremors of her muscles around my fingers to her last hip rocking full body tremors.  As I pull away from her she shouts my name and I hold my fingers on her clit lightly twitching them against her nerves and holding her legs open with my own until she is thrashing about moving her whole body and coming hard again beneath me.  
  
I lay to the side of her and catch my breath while she comes back to an Earth orbit.  I hold her tightly to me and tuck her head into the crook of my neck above my breasts.  Even her hot breath against my skin is something to be glad for.  I kiss her hair above her head and trace lazy patterns on her back.  I can’t help the smile that forms on my face as I realize just how truly glad I am to have her and hold her.  
  
“Whooo.” She says after a while, uncurling from me.  “If that’s how glad you are then I need to bow down and show how thankful I am.”  Callie kisses me with her little devilish dirty smile, then she kisses a blazing wet path down my body.  She pauses to say that she is thankful for each of my breasts in their own turn.  She is thankful for the softness of my skin across my abdomen.  And the words for her thankfulness are lost to my ears as she spells them with her tongue hot against my clit and her fingers against me.  I don’t mind the sudden deafness though, because all of my other senses are heightened, particularly my sense of arousal.  
  
***  
  
Walter Tapley is the chief of surgery at Massachusetts General in Boston.  He is a pioneer in the field of cardio thoracic surgery.  He is a well-known mentor.  When Richard and George told me that he was in the hospital and asked if we had anything good to show him, I threatened to stab someone in the heart if I had to.  I was thrilled to meet him.  When it became clear that he wasn’t here for a visit, I was concerned but honored that he would come to Richard and myself.  A double valve replacement and tricuspid repair surgery is complicated to say the least—a 5-7 hour surgery with a minefield of complications—and that is with a patient who is in better condition than Walter Tapley came to us in.  He did come prepared with charts, ekos, and chest x-rays, but he also came with the dangers of chronic a-fib, pulmonary hypertension, and a clot in his left atrium.  He wanted Richard’s team to do the surgery, and that meant Richard wanted me to do the surgery, even though I was adamant about not doing it.  
  
Ultimately, I had to cave.  I did the surgery kicking and screaming all the way through.  However, at the end, it was a success and I had a pretty impressive notch on my belt.  I was high on life and the compliments that both Tapley and Richard gave me.  That milestone was followed by a completely different milestone in my life as Callie teased Mark (and me?) about a threesome in the elevator and in a fit of crazy I kissed her.  Pretty impressive notch on my belt in the long run I guess, but it was all crazy.  A doomed surgery, a doomed kiss followed by more than one kind of scandal.  Yet the surgery was a success, the relationship has ultimately thrived, and yet scandal is what remains at the end of the day.  I have to leave SGH; Callie hasn’t taken any steps to show me where she wants to leave SGH or where she wants to go if she leaves; and yet we are more together now than we ever have been.  
  
Tapley is retiring and he wants me to come in and take over.  This will be a long process as he gradually steps away and pushes me forward and he wants to make a smooth transition.  He knows that he wants to begin the process soon however.  Boston.  I could handle the East Coast.  Very different, but change is good.  Callie and I were just discussing that very thing the other night.  Mass Gen is highly ranked for orthopedics, but what is Callie looking for?  She is a hard-core rock three surgeries back-to-back surgeon, but how does she want make her mark in her field?  Does she need to be number one, like I was compelled to be?  Or does she have another focus?  Or does she think that she will make her mark on the field no matter where she is, as I have come to believe about myself?  
  
“Hey, Cal.  I’m glad you’re home.”  I greet her with a kiss.  I didn’t make it to the door before she got in, but I did meet her halfway.  
  
“Oooh.  It smells good in here what have you been up to?”  
  
“I threw some beef brisket in the crock-pot this morning after you left and I thought we could have shredded beef burritos.  We used to make them all the time in med school, because it would feed so many of us and the leftover options were great.”  
  
“I can’t wait.  Let me go get some comfy clothes on, since you’re all relaxed already.”  
  
I follow her to the bedroom and sit on the bed.  “Remember the Tapley surgery?”  I ask while I bite my thumb and look at Callie’s picture on my nightstand.  
  
“Yeah that was the night of the elevator dare kiss, right.”  Callie is in the walk-in closet taking her clothes off and grabbing a sweatshirt and probably some of my flannel pajama pants and rooting around for her slippers.  
  
“Did you know he was at Mass Gen?  Chief of Surgery?”  
  
“No, I had no idea.  I mean Cristina was not right then.  She didn’t really give me a lot of information about it.  Is he okay?”  
  
“Yeah.  Uh.  Actually, he called me today and he’s getting ready to retire.”  
  
“He called you?  Wait, is that as exciting as I think it is—that he called you?”  
  
I beam at Callie.  She’s excited about this.  “Actually, it is.  He wants me to come and check it out and groom me as his replacement.”  
  
“Wow.  The God of Cardio Land wants to groom you for chief of his hospital?  That’s amazing Erica.  That’s so fantastic.  What a great opportunity.”  Callie joins me on the bed and she’s hugging me and sharing her genuine excitement with me.  “What a great opportunity on the heels of the standstill that Seattle Grace has become.  You have to go check it out to see if it’d be great for you.”  
  
“Really?  You think I should go check it out?”  
  
“Oh my god, Erica.  Are you kidding me?  It’s out of here; it’s with someone you respect and admire in your field, and it’s the possibility of a promotion to chief.  I know that you would make a great chief of surgery and you would be able to run a surgical program well.  The gray area that has brought Richard down, is an area where your impeccable judgement, high morals and strict sense of professionalism will kick into overdrive and guide you to success.  That is an amazing chance that doesn’t come along all the time.  And to be groomed for it?  Even better.”  
  
“I’m so glad that you think this is a good thing.”  
  
“How could it not be?  When Richard was going to retire, you should have seen the feeding frenzy it caused.  Sheppard and Burke thought they each had it in the bag, and then Addison and Mark jumped into the mix as well.  Outsiders started coming in like that creep Colin Marlowe.  It was total insanity.  For Tapley to bring you in, guide you and groom you—well, that sounds like Dr. Erica Hahn for the win.”  
  
***  
  
Today at Mass Gen was fantastic.  I had a great interview and tour.  The staff was incredibly friendly, but not in a shark feeding frenzy kind of way, like Seattle Grace gets with people brown-nosing and hovering around near you trying to impress you.  Not only did I get to spend time with Walter Tapley and get a bird’s eye view of being the chief, but I scrubbed in with him on a Coronary Artery Bypass Graft (CABG).  I was the right hand of God today.  George O’Malley would be so tickled.  I don’t know that I care about him, but I remember his face the day that Tapley was at SGH and I just know he would get it.  Of course, Callie will get it, but his little happy face would reflect my own exuberance.  
  
“Hey.  What are you doing tonight?”  
  
“Not much.  I miss you.”  
  
“I miss you too.  I hope Addison is keeping you entertained.”  
  
“Yeah.  She’s a regular laugh track you know.  It’s just I know you’re not coming home tonight no matter how distracting she is.”  
  
“I’ll be home soon, sweetie.”  
  
“I know, it’s just, I need you, ya know?”  Callie tries to hide a sniffle from the phone, but I hear it all the same.  “So how did it go?”  
  
“Oh, Cal.  I wish you were here.  It was so amazing.  So different from Seattle Grace.  I think you’d really like the staff and Boston is awesome.”  
  
“So you really liked it?  I’m glad that this is a real opportunity.”  
  
“He said he’d call in a few days after talking to his staff.  I scrubbed in with Walter Tapley.  I studied about him, admire him, and—it was just so amazing, Cal.  He brought me in as his equal.  What a validation of everything I have been about in my career.”  
  
“So you’re glad you operated on him, then?”  Callie is teasing me now, because she knows that I did not want to do that surgery.  
  
“Yeah, it turns out that that was a good idea after all.  There were a lot of good ideas discovered that day.”  I tease back, thinking of the end of that day when I kissed Callie bringing all of our sexual tension to sharp focus.  What a day!  
  
“I have no idea what you are talking about.”  She flips back to me.  Then we are laughing.  I am so glad to hear her laugh.  I think that the world is a better place every time she does.  “Oh.  I’ve got to go Erica.  Addison is back.”  
  
“Call me in the morning, okay, Cal?  I don’t want to wake you with the time difference.”  
  
“Ok.  First thing!  I love you.”  
  
“I love you.  Have a good time.”  
  
“Thanks.  Sleep well, babe.”  
  
***  
  
Boston is beautiful.  The buzz of life and energy is similar to Los Angeles.  I guess that the big cities always have a great feel to them.  I know I feel it when I go to New York, San Francisco, Chicago, or Miami.  They’re all so different, but all so full of possibility.  Actually, I felt that way when I first arrived in Seattle as well.  I guess when you live somewhere and experience some of the negative aspects of a place, then it can lose that sense of possibility.  Knowing that I can’t stay at Seattle Grace and don’t want to be at the surrounding hospitals, has taken that initial joy away.  
  
Mass Gen is a wonderful hospital and the quality of the staff really reflects their high rankings.  I felt that I had reached a whole new level in my career by coming in as a potential chief of surgery and being treated as an equal by someone who I consider to be a god in my field.  At the end of the day though—Callie isn’t here.  Now I am an equal of Walter Tapley, and I can go anywhere like I told Addison.  I would be thrilled to be here, but without Callie it’s just another professional move.  I am tired of making professional moves in a never-ending chess game.  I want to let Callie make a move and I can be there to enjoy it.  
  
Another couple of days would have allowed me to check out the surrounding area, but I missed Callie and came home early.  She is not expecting me.  I thought it would be nice to surprise her with some flowers and a nice dinner.  Callie is apparently having a party at my house.  I can clearly hear the loud music from the driveway.  However, there is a distinct lack of cars parked around and it’s barely getting dark.  I come in to find Callie and Addison dancing and there is a large nearly empty tequila bottle on the coffee table and two shot glasses.  I leave my suitcase by the front door and put the flowers on the coffee table with the booze.  I sneak up behind Callie and begin to dance with her.  She tenses at first but then she reaches behind herself and holds me to her.  Addison giggles.  
  
“Why are you home so early?”  I breathe into her ear.  
  
Callie spins into me looking into my eyes, but not holding them.  “I got suspended.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“And I don’t work there.”  Addison chimes in.  
  
“Callie, what happened?”  
  
“I punched Izzie and I got suspended.”  She flops down on the couch and picks up the tequila bottle to pour new shots.  “And I got drunk.” She slams the shot and holds Addison’s out to her.  
  
I can’t help it, but I turn the music down to a level where we can actually have a conversation.  “Why did you punch Izzie now?”  
  
Callie thinks a moment and shakes her head.  I bite my lip—drunk thinking is never a good thing.  She clenches her fist and looks me in the eyes.  She’s drunk, but she’s sad.  It’s a little slurred but she begins to tell me what happened.  “She’s a homewrecker.  Izzie McHomewrecker.  Izzie McFreakingHomewrecker.”  
  
“Yeah.  McFreakingHomewrecker.”  A drunk Addison slurs in chorus.  “McHair, McWhore, McSatan, Mc—hey what are you?  McIceQueen.  Nah.  I don’t like it.”  
  
“You called her McHomewrecker and punched her?”  
  
“She was on my service and she’s so—Izzie. And I couldn’t take it.  I kept thinking about how she was making you leave and she got to stay.  She’s wrecking my home, again.  I kept thinking that I defended her.  I was so mad.  You leave and I’m stuck with her.  And George.  I’m stuck with her and George.”  
  
“McBambi.  We all know what happens to Bambi.”  Addison twitters into her glass.  She hiccups and gives a drunken little chuckle. “He gets shot in the ass.”  Another drunken little twitters.  They are each holding onto their shot glasses instead of drinking them and I know they have had way too much.  “Erica.”  Addison makes each syllable its own word.  Was that a full bottle that they split?  “She didn’t just punch her.”  Addison swings her arm with the shot glass and spills.  “Ooh.  No.”  Addison puts down the shot glass.  “She-” and she points wildly in Callie’s direction, “-punched her a few times.”  Addison nods proudly at me.  “Then she kicked her, before Mark could pull her into the stairwell.”  Addison pauses remembering.  “It was beautiful.”  She sighs with remembered delight.  
  
There’s a long pause after Addison’s lovely little story.  I am confused.  Were they drinking at work?  “So months after I found out and freaked out, and years after George, you decided to punch her today?”  I know I shouldn’t logic with the slurred voices that are Callie and Addison, but I am still in figure it out mode, and make a plan and be logical mode.  I haven’t been able to make the leap into punch her in the face mode.  
  
Callie is pointing at me and winking one eye to focus her words.  “Well, here’s the thing.  She’s a symbol.  My broken home badge.  McHomewrecker.  And it’s all becoming very real.  You’re interviewing.  I’m here and it’s all a little too much really.  Too much reality.”  The sadness has risen like a tidal wave as she’s been explaining, and as she finishes her rant she starts to lose it and I rush forward to hold her.  
  
“Shh.  It’s okay, Cal.  It’s okay.”  
  
Callie loses it.  “Don’t leave me, Erica.  Don’t leave me.”  She’s latched onto my clothes bunching up the fabric in a death grip.  
  
“Ok.  Ok.  Cal.  I need to get you settled and make sure Addison is okay and I’m not leaving.  You go get ready for bed.”  
  
After she totters off, I turn to Addison.  “Don’t look at me like that.  She did that all on her own.  All those realizations swimming around in her head on her own.”  I continue to stare at her and she says, “Okay, okay.  I’m going to lie down too.  Watch tv or something.”  
  
Callie’s breathing evened out and soon she was mumbling in her sleep until she finally sank into a deep sleep.  It was early and I was still awake.  Callie was so upset that all of this was becoming a reality and she was falling apart a little.  I was proud of her for standing up for herself, and she didn’t seem tied to SGH.  I was concerned that Callie was overwhelmed to the point that she attacked Izzie and was drinking to this level.  Was it too much for her?  
  
We were each at the edge of a great canyon, but we were at two different places along the rim.  We each had to get across to the other side and we would hopefully get across to the same place to be together.  How do I engineer that when we are coming from different places and I’m not sure that the place I want to get to is the one that she wants to get to, and if it is the best place for each of us?

 

 

…


	5. Snow Globe

**Becoming Okay—part 5**  
  
Time without Callie has been unbearable.  I took Callie and Addison to the airport together and then returned to my empty house to pretend to sleep until I heard from Callie that she had arrived in Boston.  She stayed in the same hotel as I did and Tapley’s head of orthopedics picked her up in the morning for her interview and tour.  Callie said that it was a great hospital, the staff was friendly, and what she saw of Boston seemed great.  She didn’t seem very excited though and I didn’t know what to make of it.  Mass Gen is ranked 3rd nationally for orthopedics.  And Boston’s weather wasn’t really that different than Seattle’s.  
  
Then Callie went to Los Angeles to check out the clinic and St. Ambrose and hang out with Addison.  She figured she was suspended anyway and might as well check out the hospitals that I had checked out.  The distance was killing me and I couldn’t make heads or tails of Callie’s comments.  She was positive, but not happy about either place.  Yet, she didn’t seem happy at SGH, and she seemed very supportive of me getting away from it.  


The first couple of days, I went in to work and operated and focused as much as possible.  Mark decided to try and be my friend week.  I really wanted to reduce him to a pile of ashes with my amazing death glare, but he came bearing the gift of information.  He came with two printed articles from the internet about:  choosing after-residence programs and the best orthopedics programs in the country and pros and cons.  It was really hard to wish death upon him when he has really faded into a supportive friend role to Callie, and by extension me.  These articles while she’s gone do nothing for him and could be the key to everything I need to understand with Callie.  
  
“I guess I’ll take back the bounty that I put out on your head.”  
  
“Hmm.  I’ll do the same then.”  
  
“You put a hit on me?”  
  
“Well, I didn’t want you to hurt Callie.  She’s been through quite enough.”  I’m giving him my best Hahn Death Glare.  “What?  Don’t look at me like that.  I know that my help wasn’t helping, but it was a mess at the beginning and that was all I could do.  If it makes you feel any better, I was confused and hurt too.”  
  
I don’t really know what to say to that.  I wish he had just left the articles and went away, without the talking and everything.  “Let’s go with the fact that it was a mess.  And I’ve accepted that you genuinely care about her and want the best for her.  How’s that?”  
  
Mark smirks at me.  “Given who you are, I think that’s a great start.  I’m glad that you want the best for her as well.  I know we don’t talk, but Callie and I still do sometimes and I know that she’s passed her boards and you hate it here.  So, when I saw these, I thought of the two of you.”  
  
“You just stumbled on them, huh?”  I give him a knowing smirk and his blue eyes twinkle back to my own.  He knows I’m calling him on his nonchalance, but he seems to be okay with it.  So, I leave it there.  He smirks at me and his pager goes off.  
  
“It’s been lovely, Dr. Hahn.”  He says in the most formal voice I think Mark Sloan has ever used.  Then he is gone.  
  
***  
  
After that I used my free time to research programs all over the country and have them send me information.  I was able to get people to over-night information to me at the hospital.  I reveled in the feeling that I had some power in this situation and could gather resources to help Callie research and decide.  When I had all the information on its way, I had nothing to do again.  So, I began to gather packing supplies:  boxes, tape, newspapers, bubble-wrap, information about movers, change of address forms, online rental listings for each city where the top programs were.  
  
New York, Rochester, Cleveland, Boston, Baltimore, Durham, Pittsburgh, Chicago, St. Louis, Iowa City, Seattle, Philadelphia, Los Angeles, Indianapolis, San Francisco and Palo Alto.  The top 20 Orthopedics programs in the United States pretty well match the top Cardiothoracic programs as well, with the exceptions of Houston, Atlanta, Royal Oak, and Ann Arbor—and really, I don’t care.  If she chose Boston and I could work with Tapley it would be great, but as long as I am able to go with her, then it doesn’t matter so much.  
  
“Hey, gorgeous.”  I greet Callie kissing her on the cheek.  After all we’ve been through together, I’m still shy when we are first re-united.  I stand back from her and kick one foot into the other nervously.  
  
Callie puts her hand on my arm and slides it down until our fingers entwine.  I glance up quickly to see her looking at me with longing.  “Take me home, Erica.”  
  
Home.  She said to take her home.  My house, our home—at least for now.  I want to tell her how much I missed her, how excited I am for her to figure out what program she might be interested in, how excited I am at the mere thought that we can plan our life together, and how excited I am that we have no limits.  How cheesy is it that I want to use the words of a hallmark card to tell Callie what she means to me?  
  
I found this old card again when I was cleaning, an old hallmark card that I had bought and never had an occasion to give someone.  I sat on the floor of the study holding it and looking out the window at the sunshine in the leaves of the trees for a long time.  Only a couple of tears fell, but I was overwhelmed with a strange happiness mixed with a strong backlash of sadness.  I was so happy to be at the threshold of my true life with Callie, and yet I was so sad that it had taken my whole adult life to find the simple truth of her.  The mixture was too much and the words I had found so long ago were almost haunting.  
  
  _“Life isn’t a destination—it’s a journey.  
    We all come upon unexpected curves  
    And turning points, mountaintops and valleys.  
    Everything that happens to us  
    Shapes who we are becoming.  
    And in the adventure of each day,  
    We discover the best in ourselves.”_  
  
I have been on a journey to reach the destination that was The Best In Cardiothoracics, The Top as it were, and I have only now found out that it was a fool’s errand.  Everything shaped who I became, but I blinded myself with my mission, when all I really needed to do was open myself up to the quirkiness of the world and to allow myself to see the sunshine.  Callie makes each day an adventure and she helps me discover the best in myself.  I couldn’t want to be anywhere that Callie isn’t.  I don’t know how to tell her that and not overwhelm her, not pressure her, not scare her.  
  
I reach out while I am driving and hold her hand stroking my thumb along her skin.  Soft, gentle, slow, sweet, loving—all the things that I am hoping to send her.  Callie is strangely silent, but she seems happy enough in the quiet bubble of the car.  No doubt it has been a long week with the suspension, Boston, and Los Angeles.  I plan to just give her space and let her tell me what she needs.  
  
I take her suitcase to the bedroom and then join her in the kitchen, putting my arms around her waist and leaning into her as she pulls me to her in a sweet kiss.  “Are you hungry?  Do you need anything?”  
  
“No.”  Callie offhandedly whispers while her hand traces my face and her eyes memorize it.  I can’t place the emotions as I gaze back at her. I can’t read the words written behind her eyes no matter how I peer into them.  “I missed you.”  
  
I kiss her now, hoping that my lips will convey all the messages that my brain has stored up and locked away.  If I put them in a bottle and send them away, will she be the one to find them?  Will her heart sing the melody to my tune?  I pull away from the kiss.  “I missed you too, Cal.”  
  
Callie yawns despite herself and looks sheepish.  “I guess I need to get ready for bed.”  She starts to walk toward the bedroom and I breathe in preparing to watch her go.  She keeps my fingers in hers to the last minute and then she pulls on them urging me to follow her.  “Come with me, Erica.”  Her voice is low and I do not hesitate to follow.  
  
She leads me to the bathroom where she undresses and turns on the shower.  Callie quietly looks me over and I undress as well.  She is watching me biting her lip and there it is again—she is memorizing my face with that strange combination of emotions in the back of her eyes that I can’t read.  I adjust the shower for her and she gets in behind me.  I turn to her and our lips meet in a slow sad kiss.  My skin tries to radiate the happiness that I feel for her, as I try to absorb her mysterious sadness with my skin.  
  
We shower slowly washing each other’s hair and massaging each other’s skin.  It is gentle and calm.  It feels like the first time we are exploring each other all over again and this time claiming territory as well.  As we step out of the shower into the cold bathroom I am suffocating on my questions and steam.  I am not sure where we are now.  I seem to be holding back and waiting to catch her, but I am not sure why I think she is going to fall.  I dry her off shivering in confusion and cold.  She notices and she takes a towel over my skin until I am dry as well.  
  
In the bedroom, she catches my mouth in a kiss and I feel her breath catch in my mouth as our bodies press close together our nipples hardening under the soft contact.  “Make love to me, Erica.”  She whispers against my ear the vibrations of her voice sending new shivers of desire down my spine to mingle with the cold and confusion.  
  
I fall to the bed with her and look into her eyes asking questions that my lips would never dare to utter.  I push a wayward lock of hair from her face my fingers wrapping in her brown locks.  She urges me on top of her and I kiss her again her hands tangled in my blonde curls.  Easing my body down hers I nibble her ear lobe, kiss her neck in passing as I trail lips and tongue down the valley between her breasts.  Callie gasps as I suck first one hard nipple into my mouth and then the other, only once before continuing my exploration.  She bucks her hips in anticipation as my hand trails across her smooth stomach and for a moment I lose myself in her skin.  
  
I slide down until my mouth is hovering just in front of her sex and I can inhale the intoxicating aroma that is purely Callie.  I slide one leg completely off the bed for leverage and my hands trail up the underside of her thighs encouraging her to open fully to me and raise her legs.  Callie moans when I run my tongue up the inside of her thigh, only to skip over her sex and repeat the action on her other thigh.  Then I slide my tongue against her in one long stroke and the teasing is over because I cannot resist her, I never could.  
  
I grip my hands around her thighs and even after she comes and holds her hands in my hair keeping me just far enough away to tease me and not make her burst into flames.  I stay until her final shudders echo through her body and her breathing calms as she releases my hair.  Her legs relax from around my head.  “Come here, Erica.”  I slide up her body faster than I slide down it, but it is an intoxicating journey all the same.  
  
When I reach her face, she turns on her side so that we are face to face.  Callie cups my cheek and her eyes are full of wonder and love.  I begin to speak, to ask her finally if she is okay, but she silences me with a kiss.  Callie puts her arm over mine as I hold tight to her back and we continue the kiss.  She traces lazy circles around my back and slowly her hand roams lower down my side and back.  Callie trails her nails across my ass and I hiss into her mouth causing her to smile.  Callie groans tasting herself on my mouth again as her hand dips forward and her fingers trail along my center.  I open my legs to her and she smiles again at the wet desire I have for her.  She alternates sliding into me and circling my clit until I think that I will bite a hole in my lip.  I come with my mouth against her cheek whimpering.  The moment stretches out around us and holds us tight together as we hang onto each other in the storm of our snow globe life.  
  
“Careful.”  Callie mutters in her sleep.  “Please.”  I kiss her hair a dozen times.  
  
Lying awake, I cannot shake the silence of the room.  I cannot shake the thoughts of our snow globe life.  The scene is perfect and beautiful.  There is a quaint quality and a comfortable silence in the snow globe.  Until someone shakes it and then the world is upside down and turned around.  It is still silent, but things never really are quite the same when the snow settles in again.  Callie and I fit together so well, we are perfect and beautiful, but we are miserable at talking.  I suddenly fear the silence of our world and wonder when our snow globe will be shaken irrevocably.  
      
***  
  
The sun shines in on us in the morning filling the room with a bright glow.  The snow of our snow globe life has blanketed everything in a sleepy calm.  I stroke Callie’s hair and let her snuggle to me for a while.  She’s so gorgeous and she’s everything I never knew I wanted.  She makes me a better person because she challenges me to be vulnerable, shy, and uncertain—and she loves me for that struggle.  If she only knew how far I had come in the months that I’ve known her, she would laugh till she cried and kiss me gently showing me how much she appreciated and loved me.    
  
Which is why her sad tenderness was so hard for me, I couldn’t read it and it felt so different than her earlier support.  As I mix pancake batter, set the table, pour juice, and fry up some bacon I decide that I’m going to ask Callie about the future.  I may upset the idyllic scene in the snow globe, but I need to let Callie know I am as supportive of her career opportunities as she is of mine. Callie recognized Mass Gen as a crown jewel of my career path and as such she encouraged me to check it out.  Chief, Tapley, burning Webber, getting away from SGH completely, number 12 for number 3—Callie saw that those were things that I would highly value and she was surprisingly supportive.  
  
Those things were all important, but as I got closer to them, I saw that they didn’t matter if Callie wasn’t by my side or if she wasn’t happy there.  Most of our top hospitals line up and I need her to know that I will go where she goes.  If the hospital is not the same, then at least the city will be.  I need her to know that she doesn’t have to give up pieces of herself, just because of the situation forcing me to leave.  That was one of her original concerns and I need her to know that it hasn’t changed that I want her to be true to herself.  
  
Callie comes into the kitchen wearing my sweats and still wiping sleep out of her eyes.  “That smells great.”  She says stealing a piece of bacon off my plate.  
  
“How many pancakes would you like?”  I ask as I return to the stove.  
  
“Two.  And some bacon, please.”  
  
“So, uh, how was your trip?  Did you like Mass Gen?  St. Ambrose?”  
  
“Mass Gen is a huge facility.  I think it has a great program and the orthopedics group is engaging and very welcoming.  I suppose it didn’t hurt that they knew I was interviewing with your full support—” Callie flashes me the first smile since her return.  For an instant, I think that she liked the idea that I could be the chief there and a certain amount of respect would be given from the start.  “But still they seemed genuinely interested in me and impressed by my work at Seattle Grace.”  
  
“What did you think of St. Ambrose?”  
  
“I went to the clinic first.  It is so small and cozy.  What a contrast between Mass Gen and the clinic!  I couldn’t believe the difference, you know having been at Seattle Grace and then interviewing at Mass Gen.  I thought that the drama and gossip of Seattle Grace was something, I can only imagine the potential for drama if you work and live in such close proximity to such a small number of people.”  
  
“Yeah.  I couldn’t believe that Sam was her neighbor.  They seemed to get along well.”  
  
Callie laughs a little and I look at her scanning her face for answers. “Addison didn’t know he lived next door at first.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
“Yeah.  She was dancing naked one morning fresh from the shower.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“So she’s all happy and dancing and naked and then out the window she sees Sam at his window!  They both hit the floor.  When they left for work they met out in their driveways and it was pretty funny.”  
  
“Well that would be a rough way to wake up in the morning!  I can’t imagine looking out my window one morning and seeing my neighbor looking at me, let alone if it was a co-worker.  Eww.  What if it was Sloan?”  
  
“Don’t even go there, Erica.  That’s so not funny.”  
  
“Here you go.  So, they get along well despite the naked dancing.  What else?”  
  
Callie sighs.  “Hmm.  Addison said that when they don’t get along well, then she goes over to St. Ambrose and does some surgeries until she remembers why she wanted to be at the clinic.”  
  
“Did you like St. Ambrose?”  I try to infuse some excitement into my voice.  I want her to know that I truly liked both hospitals and cities.  Callie seems to understand and she smiles widely.  
  
“A hospital by the sunny Southern California beaches…  How could you go wrong?  And Dr. Charlotte King?  She’s kick ass.  I think working for her would remind me that I am a hardcore surgeon who can rock three surgeries back to back.”  
  
“Something to drink, Cal?”  
  
“Thanks.  This looks great.  Uh.  Water and coffee.”  
  
Callie digs in and looks around her at the collection of information on the table.  I get her water and give her a gentle smile.  I’m glad that sleep has done her a world of good and feel like I can cover a lot of ground this morning as we chat about her trip and the possibilities.  I turn to get her coffee doctoring it up the way she likes it.  “So, Cal, I’ve been meaning to ask you what you were going to—”  
      
I look into her eyes and see that the beautiful brown pools of love are filled with unshed tears covering unsaid words.  Her hand is holding the packet of information for the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. The other information has been moved around on the table.  Callie looks at me, still silent in the snow globe, but I can feel the shaking begin and know that things will not be the same in our happy little bubble.  She breaks our eye contact and looks around the kitchen taking it all in.  Her eyes are searching for the pictures that were on the walls a week ago, but that I’ve taken down and begun to collect in the office.  Her face drops.  “I need a shower.”  She says and silently walks to the bedroom.  
  
Where did she go?  I mean, she left to shower, but where did she *go*?  She was telling me about her trip. She seemed interested in her options.  I was about to open the discussion about what she had wanted for her future and what factors were important to her in deciding where to go.  She’s here, but she’s gone again.  What do I do?  
  
I put the dishes in the sink.  At least Callie made it half way through her breakfast.  I straighten up the information folders on the table.  Clean the counters, take out the trash, stand at the sink looking at the leaves outside in the yard—anything to try to re-start my brain.  It is like a new surgery that seems impossible at first, sometimes you need to walk away and do something else like practice a running whip-stitch on a banana or berate Yang, and then you can come back with a fresh perspective and pick up on what you couldn’t see before.  What am I not seeing in this?  
  
I go in the bathroom to wash my face and put my hair up.  It’s too short which is frustrating.  Callie is still in the shower, I slide the curtain back just a little startling her.  “You okay, Cal?”  
  
“No.”  She looked at me when I startled her, but then went back to staring into the stream of water coming out of the showerhead.  I strip down and step in behind her.  She leans back into me and we just stand under the water for a while.  
  
“What can I say, Callie?  What is happening?”  I ask in a low voice against her wet cheek.  
  
Callie turns to me and I see tears in her eyes and know that mine mirror hers back.  She takes the shower puff and adds fresh soap and turns us so that I am in the water.  I watch her eyes as she runs the shower puff all over my body, but she doesn’t look me in the eye.  I start to speak several times and she just kisses me enough to stop me from speaking.  Callie rinses me and I wish that I felt clean and pure, that’s a happy feeling, instead I feel tired and weighed down by the heavy unspoken thoughts and the fears that weigh those thoughts down.  
  
Callie presses me against the back of the shower kissing me.  She rubs her hands all over my body, her leg pushing between mine to open me to her.  Then she finds my sex with her fingertips and I can’t fight my body’s natural response to her.  I am ready and waiting when she enters a room, let alone when she is naked pressed close and needing me.  I try to touch her as well so she can share in my feelings but she swats my hand away.  When I cling to her in my release she turns us around again and finally allows me to give her the pleasure that she gave me.  
  
Even though it is still morning we lay down and in a satisfied, if silent, snuggle.  I stroke Callie’s back and hair.  When her breathing evens out and she seems to be asleep I caress her cheek and run my fingertip along her lips.  Snow when it first blankets the landscape is serene, silent, and beautiful.  Even the first few sets of footprints simply add to the beauty because they highlight the newness and the solitude.  Our snow has been trampled by unseen troubles in the night and I do not know how to thaw us out and let a fresh snow cover us.  
  
***  
  
“What happened earlier, Callie?”  
  
“Nothing.”  She takes a sip of the coffee that I bring her.  
  
“Callie.  That was not `nothing.’  You were telling me about your trip and then you abandoned breakfast and shut down.”  
  
“It’s nothing.  Leave it alone!”  
  
“How am I supposed to talk to you, take care of you, if you won’t talk to me?”  Callie raised her voice and on instinct I raised mine back.  
      
Callie comes back over the top of me, beginning to shout now, she points at the information on the table.  “What is all this Erica?  I come home and you’re packing.  You’ve got information on every city known to man, but you haven’t told me where you’re going.  You tell me you love me, but you’re leaving.  You’re leaving me, Erica.”  
  
“I’m not leaving *you*!”  
  
“I come home and you’re practically gone!”  
  
“What?!  A few pictures are down that I put in the study and there’s info about places on the table.  What are you talking about?”  
  
“What are you waiting for then?”  
  
“I want you to check everything out, I want you to see what’s best for you…”  
  
“No, you want to get out of here.  You want to get away as fast as you can.  You just want me to find somewhere and then you can go.  Well, keep packing Erica, keep packing, I can’t be here for this shit.”  Callie goes before I can explain, before I can tell her that I want to follow her out the door and anywhere in the world.  I don’t know what to do.  I can’t believe that she walked out.  I don’t know where she’s going.  I don’t know if she’s coming back.  I don’t know what I can do.  The snow globe of our life is apparently leaking and set on top of an overloaded washing machine set permanently on spin so the shaking will not stop until there’s nothing left.  
  
Callie won’t answer her phone.  I sit for a while, but I need to know that she’s safe.  Panicked I scroll through my phone hoping the answers will come to me.  I see Addison’s name first and call her to see what she thinks.  Addison is concerned and says that she’ll call her.  
  
I hang up and sit there useless: 1800 miles away someone else is trying to call my girlfriend who can’t be more than 20 miles away.  Talk about not being able to see the forest for the trees.  


Mark, maybe she’ll answer him?  Maybe he’ll know where to look.  
  
He says he’ll check some of their old hang outs—diners, coffee shops, the park near his apartment.  He suggests places at the hospital.  I get that—getting in on a surgery so that you have something to distract you.  She’s not in surgery and the basement is empty.  She’s not in any of the myriad of on-call rooms.  Her laughter is not in the locker rooms, or break rooms, or conference rooms.  I even go up on the roof and the cold air burns my lungs as the salty tears burn my eyes.  
  
I’m slumped against the low wall of the roof when Mark calls.  He has found Callie, but she’s not going anywhere.  I need to just go home for the night.  He assures me that she’s safe, but a little crazed and that I just need to go home, there’s nothing I can do.  In the hospital, there’s always something that I can do, until the patient is dead.  There must be something to do, there must be—  
  
—unless the relationship is dead.  
  
The next day I catch sight of Callie a couple of times, but she turns the other way and practically runs.  When she’s not in surgery or resetting bones, Callie makes sure to round up interns or even residents and gives them a run down on an ortho procedure—just for the benefit of their education.  I could hardly stand it when Yang began to complain about Callie.  “Callie’s rounding people up like we’re sheep.”  
  
“What?”  I round on Yang and she steps back slightly.  
  
“She’s rounding people up and explaining ortho procedures and quizzing us on stuff.”  
  
“What?  Why?”  
  
“It’s to benefit our `education’, because this is a `teaching’ hospital.”  Yang says dripping with so much sarcasm that I’m surprised she isn’t soaked from it.  Her eyes catch mine then and she mumbles something that sounds like, “Oh, that’s why.”  She turns away looking at her pager as if it went off.  I let Yang go.  I don’t have the energy to chase anymore.  I don’t have any energy for anything.    
  
At the end of shift, I know that I have lost the battle, but I truly am not sure how to attack this situation.  We didn’t have a fight, really, did we?  I mean what was that?  We were having sex, happy to see each other, and then sad and angry—but that wasn’t an argument was it?  Was that a deal breaker somehow?  I don’t have a lot of experience with this, but that didn’t seem like what should have happened to us.  How did we get here?  How do we get out of here and get back to our happy little snow globe love scene?  I drive home without remembering the drive and Callie stays at the hospital because she’s on-call.  


Before rounds, I see Callie leaving the elevator and heading to the locker room, but I have an early consult for a later surgery.  I round and as I head to the nurses’ station to write my notes and give instructions to Yang, I see Callie turning the corner talking to Karev.  He must be on her service today.  At lunch I see her get her salad and then scan the area.  I don’t think she sees me, but she hesitantly turns back into the building and makes her way to another lunch spot just to be sure that I’m not there.  Callie’s surgery is before mine in OR 2 and we pass in the scrub room—she on her way out and me on my way in.  Yang is with me, Karev is with her and a nurse comes looking for her.  By the end of shift, I have had only those glimpses of Callie—no eye contact, no anger, no sadness, no love—only silence.  
  
I talk to Addison.  I even talk to Mark.  I almost talk to Yang, but I don’t get the chance.  
  
At the end of shift, I am standing in the lobby after talking to a family and Callie steps out of the elevator placing her on a path toward me.  She clearly wants to avoid me and it hurts so much, but if she doesn’t want to see me, I don’t want to force her to.  It is a searing cut that goes deep and cauterizes as it goes, painful and hot and scarring.  The cauterizing heals just enough so that I can’t bleed out, but not enough to lessen the pain.  Mark intercepts her and he gives me a nod.  Clearly, she’s not ready to deal with me and I nod back at him choking on tears that will fall if I try to speak.  I don’t sleep for the third night in a row and I come to work pretty destroyed.  
  
***  
  
“I don’t have time for this foolishness.  And I expect more from you, frankly, Dr. Hahn.  The junior residents don’t get to specialize.  You know the new rules for a fact.  She was on your service yesterday, so she can’t be on it again today.  I don’t have time for special favors, let alone special favors for you, Dr. Hahn.”    
  
I can’t blame Miranda for being harsh on me.  I have been harsh on her, and I am one that is always pushing the rules and enforcing them.  I cling to the order and professionalism that they bring.  I cling to the clarity that they allow for.  Like the day that I kicked her out of the OR when I had her son on the table.  I needed the clarity of knowing she was not in that room.  I also cling to the safety that they represent, the dictated path that one can follow and not question.  
  
Today though, I am not Dr. Hahn, Ice Queen, Cardio God—no, I am Erica, broken, sleepless, confused, and too stupid to call in sick, Erica.  I stand there clearly defeated, but not giving up, waiting for her rant to end.  “I appreciate that you’ve made an effort to teach, and that you’ve made an effort especially with my interns and Cristina Yang—” Miranda finally lifts her eyes from the chart, seeing me for the first time.  “Uh.”  She blinks double thinking and swallowing hard at the sight of me.  “No problem.  Dr. Yang is yours for the day.”  
  
“Thanks.”  I murmur and clear my throat, because I don’t think the word actually came out since my throat is so constricted.  “Thanks.”  I croak out and feeling the cracks in my calm, I turn and walk away to find Yang and commandeer her service from Shepherd.  The thought of that little power play moment almost brings me a smile and I step back into a surface of calm.  I want Yang because she is Callie’s friend, she will not ask questions, and she can do the Mitral Valve repair unassisted so I can just supervise.  Two longer surgeries fill the day, which Yang also performs flawlessly.  Then it is time to go home.  
  
Will Callie come home, will Callie talk to me?  
  
Another day passed by and I’m at home again just holding her favorite sweatshirt.  I can’t even cry today.  It’s a suffocating kind of sadness when you can’t even cry.  Your eyes still burn from previous tears and sting from the lack of sleep but sleep never really comes.  You sit and look without seeing and breathe without feeling the life.  Callie’s stuff is still here.  Her smell is on the pillow.  Her luggage is in the bedroom.  Her sweatshirt is thick and soft reminding me so much of her and the emptiness that I feel holding the empty sweatshirt, when I should be holding her and she should be in the sweatshirt.  I am a shell holding a shell, I want the beautiful treasure that should be here inside the shirt breathing the life into me again and allowing me to care.  
  
A soft knock at the door startles me and I can’t imagine who it would be, so I pretend to not hear it.  Callie has a key and I don’t care about anyone else.  Another knock, clearly louder this time shakes the door.  I roll off the couch and it hurts to move.  The opening door reveals Callie on my doorstep with Mark physically behind her so that she can’t go anywhere.  Shocked. I step out of the way and Mark uses both hands to `encourage’ Callie into my living room.  
  
“You two are stupid.”  He says looking at the both of us.  “Sit down.”  
  
“Mark.  What are you doing?”  I am stupefied that he has brought Callie here, after helping her avoid me last night at the end of shift.  Her eyes look tired, her posture angry, and her hair is messy like she doesn’t care, and from the look of her casual clothes, I don’t think that she does anymore.  I am breathless with shock, and because of how beautiful a sight she is standing in my living room once again.  Three days—seemed like three years.  What did Romeo say?  Something about `every minute a day and every day a week so it shall seem like months before I see you.’  Well something like that, stretching time out beyond comprehension.  I always thought that was just a literary device and not real feeling.  Now I know.  Great, I just love learning at my own expense.  
  
Callie is pissed and she turns on him with rage in her eyes.  “Why did you bring me here?  I don’t want to be here!”  
  
Those words hurt more than her avoidance.  I let the tears fall as I hug Callie’s sweatshirt to my chest and ball my knees up in a corner of the couch.  “Callie.”  Mark says in a warning tone.  He should have on one of those black and white striped shirts, a whistle, and a black ball cap.  
  
Mark’s not done, however, and after giving us the once over he begins in earnest.  “I am the last person to be here helping the two of you, but if it helps to make up for any damage I may have caused, then here I am.”  He stands silent a moment his hands in his jeans pockets and his face solemn blue eyes darker than normal as he gazes from Callie to me and back again.  I’ve never seen the man this concerned.  I guess the new leaf business was true.  “You two are stupid.  Callie, what are you punishing her for?  What did she do?”  He pauses, but she is facing the door arms closed across her chest and tapping her foot on the hardwood.  “Can’t you see her?  Look at her.”  He reaches out slowly turning her to face my direction.  At first, she won’t look at me, but he hasn’t taken his hand off hers so she finally glances and looks away.  “Erica’s been letting Yang do all of her surgeries.  Flying solo on occasion as a third year is one thing, but all day while the attending stands back barely supervising?”  I gasp and look up to him.  I didn’t know he was paying attention to my surgeries anymore.  His eyes catch mine and he nods slightly.  “Callie, you can see the suffering on her face…  She calls *me* to make sure you’re safe and not alone.”  Callie has looked away her eyes on the distant trees beyond the window.  She’s biting her bottom lip.  Her body language clearly shouts rage, but there is a softening to it.  “Erica Hahn wants me dead.  Yet, Erica Hahn is calling me because you won’t answer her.”  He makes a point of saying my name, naming me, pushing me into her consciousness.    
  
Callie finally looks at me, takes in my unkempt hair, pale face, sad eyes, and general posture of defeat.  It’s the first time in three full days she has given more than a glance to me.  Her shock is evident on her face, but still she says nothing and hasn’t sat down.  Mark is in between her and the door.  All I can do is stare at Callie.  She is so beautiful, so important to me.  
  
“What did she do to you, Callie?” Mark asks her.  His tone is even and somber, but unmistakable.  He is not going away, he is going right into the middle of whatever ridiculous gauntlet we have somehow created.  
  
It startles her to hear him speak.  She turns to face him.  “I came home from Boston and LA and she’s packing—ready to leave.”  
  
He breathes deep furrowing his brow and counters her.  “Didn’t you just go on two interviews?”  
  
“Yes.  I went to Boston and LA and interviewed.”  It’s almost timid the way she answers, and I don’t want this.  I don’t want him to break her.  I don’t want her to hurt.  It’s as if I’m not here though, this is their conversation and I’m bewildered that they have come here to have it in my living room, in front of me.  
  
“So you’re planning to leave as well?”  His eyes never leave her and she looks at her hands for answers.  I wish it were that simple—read a palm and know:  know what to do, what to say, how to feel, where to start, or how to start over.  I sit curled up on the couch still clinging to Callie’s sweatshirt trying to breathe slowly, trying to pretend this is the same kind of pressure you feel in the OR, only it feels like I’m the patient that’s in the awake surgery.  
  
Exasperated, Callie sighs out a puff of air.  “I don’t know.  I wanted to know what Erica was doing so I could decide what I was going to do?”  
  
“So you freaked out that she was preparing to leave, which you knew—”  
      
Callie cuts him off her voice rising again.  “I freaked out because I think she’s already decided and isn’t telling me.”  The last time Callie raised her voice she walked out the door.  I will my ears to shut and block the sounds of them arguing out.  I lower my face pressing closed eyelids against the soft fabric and taking a suffocating breath of her smell there.  It’s hot and stale, an old smell—and it’s no longer comforting with her mere feet away.  Mark lets it hang there.  The silence stretches out like the final vibrations on a piano string as it stills to silence.  
  
“Do you think Erica plays games?”  He asks her quietly.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Do you think Erica plays games?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Then why are you treating her like she’s playing a game then?”  I leave the sweatshirt piled up against my legs but move my arms from around it so that my hands can cover my face.  I want to comfort myself, not try to use the false hope of Callie’s sweatshirt anymore.  
  
“I.  I’m not.  I’m.”  
  
“What Callie, what are you doing?”  
  
“I don’t know.  Freaking out.”  Callie is losing steam and she throws herself into the chair.  As she mutters, I sit up dragging in a ragged breath.  I lean against the arm of the couch and stare at Mark wondering if this is better or worse than this dragging along I’ve been doing for three days.  Earlier it was like I was a boat that had caught along something on the bottom and was dragging it.  Now it feels like the boat is nearly on its side and I am ready to jump into the icy water without the red survival suit.  The question remains—slow dragging pain that leeches the life out of you, or fairly instant death that snuffs you out and leaves a silence behind.  
  
“Look around. Look around you, Callie.  Has anything moved in the three days you’ve been gone?  Does she look like she’s going anywhere without you?”  Mark’s voice is deep with concern.  He’s studying her and I wonder what it has been like for him these past couple of days.  Did Callie talk to him at all or just me?  What did he think or feel about any of it?  He answers my questions as he continues.  “You have been staying with me freaking out and not talking.  Erica’s been letting Yang do her surgeries and wandering around like a zombie for three days. She calls me more often than Meredith and Derek break up.”  
  
Callie looks away from him to the clock on the wall.  Mark shakes his head at her and sighs heavily.  He tilts his head trying a new approach in his head before he speaks.  He turns to me.  “Erica.  What were you doing?”  
  
I blink at him.  I have been holding my breath to slow my heartbeat and my voice is trapped inside the barricades erected there.  My voice is raspy when I start, “I researched the top 20 programs for orthopedics in the country.  I want Callie to follow her heart.  I want Callie to go where she wants to go and make the best for her career.  I don’t want to pressure her.”  
  
“Why don’t you want to make a decision?”  
  
The silence hangs heavy on me, I have to answer, but I didn’t want to answer, because I want Callie to be able to choose without extra pressure, without me to hang onto her every word.  How to let Callie follow her heart and not put the pressure on her of choosing for me at the same time.  I swallow hard and, in the silence, Callie turns to face me.  I choose to focus on Mark, because I can’t say this to Callie.  We are each on the edge of the canyon, but we are in different places.  I can’t make her jump into the beyond, I can only hope that we end up together on the other side.  “I can’t.”  I look at the sweatshirt on my legs and I lower my knees so that I am sitting properly.  I lean forward looking him in the eye.  “I don’t want to influence her decision.”  I suck in a painful breath of air and slowly let it out.  “She has to do what’s best for her.  So, she doesn’t regret doing something for me.”  
  
His raised eyebrows indicating that I have surprised him.  I don’t know if it’s the stupidity of the situation, or the level of care he now knows I have for Callie.  He scratches his head as he thinks.  “What about what’s best for you?”  
  
“I’ve proven what I need to prove in my career.  I am at the top.  What’s best for me is anywhere I want to go.  Almost all of the top hospitals match for cardio and ortho.  Anywhere Callie goes, I can go.”  He nods and angles his body toward Callie.  I follow his lead and turn to face her.  “Callie, I want you to follow your heart.  I would crawl on glass shards to follow you.  Anywhere.  I was packing and got info on all 20 because I was crazy without you and had to be doing something.  Some task to move us forward. Us, Callie, together.”  
  
Outside someone has parked their car and beeped the automatic locks as they walk away.  It’s almost like it triggers a realization in Callie’s brain.  “You haven’t decided?  You weren’t trying to get me to pick some place and then leave me?”    
  
Mark gets up without talking and nods at the both of us.  We both stare up at him and he points to each of us and holds his first finger up on each hand.  Then he brings his hands together placing those first fingers beside each other—a symbol of us *together*.  I swallow and nod at him, then I look to Callie.  She looks at me and then nods at Mark as well.  For someone whose legend will far outlast him, he sure has a soft streak and I am glad that I called off the hit I put out on him.  He leaves without a word.  
  
“Erica?  You haven’t picked?  What were you doing?”  
  
“I put out a smorgasbord of information so you could pick anywhere.  I want to go where you go.  I want you to be able to follow your heart and not regret doing something for me.  I—”  
  
“What about Tapley and being chief?”  
  
“What about it?  If you’re not there, Cal, they don’t matter.”  I sigh heavily and try to look at her even more than I have been before, to try to get deep down inside her head and to her heart so that she will really, truly believe me in a soul to soul kind of way.  I have blue eyes damn it, don’t all legends about blue eyes say that I can do that kind of thing?  “Callie, the truth is I can work toward chief anywhere, anytime—if it’s right.  What I can’t do?  I can’t be with you anywhere, anytime, unless—we’re in this together.”  
      
This time the silence buzzes with electricity, with realizations and again with *love*.  I take what feels like my first breath in three days.  I start to feel awake and alive for the first time in three days.  My skin tingles and I stare at Cal for what feels like the first time.  I think that we are both pretty shaken, but that with Mark’s help, we somehow held hands and jumped into the air, over and across this canyon.  The landing is rough, we don’t know where we are, but we are together and we are past something that scared us both.  Callie blinks at me and as she stares back into my eyes without wavering I think that maybe I have mesmerized her with my baby blues after all.  I smile at her then and she begins to sob crossing from the chair to the couch where she kneels in between my legs with one hand cupping my cheek as she stares into my heart and the other resting on my thigh.  “I’m so sorry.”  She chokes out.  
  
“I’m sorry too.”  I pull her close to me hugging her with my arms and my legs.  It feels so good to be near her again—to know that she is with me and not mentally or physically gone.  I don’t know what is next, but I know that we are together again to figure it out instead of drifting off aimlessly like planets that have lost their orbits.  Callie clings to me as fiercely as I cling on to her and through her sobs I hear her apology again and again.    
  
I loosen my hold on her just a little and she holds her breath.  I pet her hair and rub circles on her back.  “I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you, Cal.  I didn’t want to freak you out.  We were finally together, we had figured out you had moved in, we were both interviewing, but I thought that if I brought it up directly that you’d freak.”  
  
“I did.  Freak.”  
  
“I know.  I freaked too.  I think I implode and you explode.  Or at least I think that’s what happened this time.  I was so scared of pushing you.”  
  
“I needed the information though, even if I’d freak.  I needed to know so that I didn’t accuse you of something else like I did.”  
  
“How could you have thought I was going to leave you like that, Cal?”  
  
“I don’t know.  I got home and everything was the same and wonderful, but I felt so sad.  I felt like time was running out.  I felt alone I guess.”  
  
“How did you feel alone Callie?  I was here?”  
  
“Some part of me just felt far away.  The traveling, big decisions, Mass Gen, St. Ambrose, you and me…  I don’t know, maybe I was afraid of wanting to go with you.  I know that you’ve only stayed here because of me.  I feel guilty about that because I know how unhappy you’ve been.  I felt like I had to hang on to you so tightly when I got back.”  
  
“So that’s why you were withdrawn and still sexy?”  
  
“Er.  Yeah, I guess.  I mean if we were intimate, we weren’t talking and you couldn’t tell me anything bad.  I didn’t have to let you go.”  
  
“And then?”  
  
“I saw all the brochures and it felt like you had decided since you went to Mass Gen and St. Ambrose and then all I saw were the other cities and the Mayo Clinic?  I felt like you were sending me away.”  
  
“Why didn’t you let me explain?”  
  
“I snapped at the thought of it all crumbling down.  I wanted to have a life with George and it ended in a miserable failure that was hard to come back from.  So, I just ran out.”  Callie begins sobbing and I hold her to me.  
  
“Callie, I kind of understand.  I do.  It’s overwhelming to me too.  But we are stronger than this.  We can do this, and we’re not alone, we have each other.”  I pull back looking into her eyes and am overcome with how truly beautiful she is, how amazing this journey has been.  Falling in love with a woman, being part of a relationship, experiencing so many of life and love’s clichés in such a short period of time and for the first time on every level.  “I can’t say I totally understand, but I do know how amazing and overwhelming this has all been.”  
  
“We’ll decide together?”  
  
“Yes. Callie.  I want to be with you more than anything.”  
  
“Can I sit with you?”  
  
I lean back indicating the place beside me on the couch.  “Please.”  I lean back against the arm of the couch and stretch a leg out.  Callie half lays on me and snuggles into me.  Like she’s burrowing or nesting and I am her home.  Her warmth feels good to me and I hope that my heartbeat tells her that we are steady.  I lean my head against the back of the couch running my fingers absently through her hair.  We are not in a snow globe, but happiness is settling down on us in place of the fake snow and we can breathe it in and absorb it through our skin instead of drowning in the water of the snow globe.  We can be shaken, but if we hold tightly together, then we will be stronger for it, instead of disturbed like the snow globe.  


I thought Callie was beginning to drift off, she was so peaceful over me.  But her mind must have been running its own course on the treadmill of the mind.  She stirs and pulls out of my embrace slightly.  Her eyes are heavy with tiredness, the side of her face is red from resting on me, and she is perhaps the most gorgeous person on the planet.  Her eyes find mine and she smiles at me.  “I love you.”  I like that she holds eye contact and lets me say it back to her.  
  
“I love you too, Cal.”  I lean in to kiss her and she meets me with soft lips and warmth and then her tongue is brushing against my lips and I open for her letting her in.  It is a slow kiss, movement and countermovement with no end in sight.  Again, we are giving ourselves time.  We are taking our time.  We have time because we have each other, because we learn and grow together.  We take time because all that matters is this moment, right now.

 

 

 

…


	6. Superpowers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOUS--so many things have seeped into this chapter  
> Spooky85--Fantastic art from across the world, I can't believe how wonderful your drawing is THANK YOU!!!  
> Maelstromumbrae for the use of `snerke' as in soda through the nose!  
> Burningeden--for putting the Wonder Twins & the Flash into my head from your stories (The Green Lantern was already there...)
> 
> Goodness gracious! I had no idea that my first fic had parts that were like 20 pages. Sorry, the re--posting isn't very quick. Hopefully, there are less errors at least.

**_Becoming Okay—Part 6_**  
  
Re-united and a day off.  Talk about the alignment of the stars.  I wonder if Mark picked last night to force Callie over here with that in mind.  He really is a smart guy despite his man-whore exterior.  I guess I’ll have to thank him in some way when we go back to work.  Won’t Callie be so pleased?  I have to be nice to him, because he was helpful and caring.  Yetch.  We fell asleep on the couch in our happy re-united bubble and when it got cold we went to the bedroom, stripped down and climbed in together.  We snuggled and enjoyed our togetherness once more, but we were so exhausted that we fell asleep again almost at once.  
  
We haven’t been apart that often since we began.  Our trips to LA and Boston were known separations and we knew that we would be reunited quickly.  When Callie walked out that all changed because I didn’t know if she was coming back.  Those three mornings that I woke up without Cal were the most awful things I can think of.  I understand a little more about my colleagues having a hard time functioning with home problems or love problems.  However, they seem to keep doing it over and over, so I don’t know that I’ll be extending any apologies for people I misunderstood in the past.  I’ll just examine people on a case-by-case basis from now on to gauge their level of distraction and see if it warrants genuine sympathy.  Miranda does that, I think, to a certain extent.  She was not having any of my special favors the other day, until she saw me and assessed my level of distress.  Triage and treat.       
  
We woke up late when the house phone rang.  Callie’s eyes sprung open wide as she heard Addison’s voice from down the hall on the machine.  “Erica?  It’s me, Addie.  I haven’t heard from you, or Mark, or Callie.  Not that Callie’s been calling anyway.  Call me soon.  Please.”  She sounded really concerned.  I smiled at Callie, who blinked at me.  
  
“Are you okay?  Callie?”  
  
“It’s just.  I didn’t know you guys were all calling each other.  You were worried about me, about each other…”  Callie’s eyes are welling up with tears as she realizes how she’s affected all of us, and that we cared about her and each other.  
  
“Callie.  You’re surrounded by good people.  I have gotten to know Addie pretty well since my visit and she’s a good friend to you.  Mark, well, I know him better than I want to, but he’s a good friend to you as well.  I didn’t have anyone and they were willing to listen to me the past couple of days.”  
  
“I didn’t mean to do that to you.  To hurt you.”  
  
“Shhh.  Cal, I know, but as long as we do better on the communication we’re going to be all right.”  I hold her tight to me trying to reassure her with my presence.  “Addie sounded pretty upset.  Did you talk to her at all?”  
  
“No, just Mark and whoever I was forced to talk to at work.”  
  
“Callie.  You have got to find that confidence and calm that suits you.  I know this is all not easy, but where’s Crazy Callie who broke into my apartment months ago to challenge me to a re-match?”  
  
“She goes on a lot of vacations apparently.  I’ll see what I can do.”  
  
“I think you should call Addie.”  
  
“Ok.”  
  
***  
  
I went into the bathroom to get ready for the morning and Callie dressed and called Addison.  I left her talking on the phone in the bedroom and decided to make breakfast.  It was a little late in the morning and a little chilly so I had a craving for grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup.  I’m not sure if Callie will like it, but there are a lot of other options in the fridge.  I hear laughing and it makes me smile.  This is how it should be—Callie here with me, talking to her good friend, a nice breakfast and the future full of possibilities.  
  
“Do you know that show `Snapped’?”  Callie sits down at the corner next to me and eyes my food.  I motion for her to take some.  She shakes her head going to the fridge instead.  
  
“No.”  I drag the word out, like the up curve of my questioning eyebrow.  Is this some kind of test?  “Why?”  
  
“Okay, okay, okay.  It’s trashy, but it’s a show about how the American Dream can go so very wrong.  See in every episode there’s an average respectable woman who `snaps’ and kills her husband, or someone else close to her.  You know over money, resentment, lies, or deceit.  Very trashy.”  Callie grabs a yogurt and pours herself a bowl of cereal joining me at the table again.  
  
“Okay.  So, are you a secret fan?  Or?  What exactly?”  
  
“Apparently Addison is.  She watched a re-run marathon last night and then freaked herself out because of us and Mark and SWAT boy.”  
  
“Wait.  She watched *that* show and was worried about us?”  
  
“Let me back up.  Mark had told her he was planning to drag me over to see you, but he hadn’t figured out his plan exactly.  Then Addie didn’t hear from you or him and got herself all carried away watching the show and she feared for our lives.  Would you snap because he brought me here?  Would I snap because he brought me here?  If we snapped would we kill each other and/or him?”  
  
“She has quite the imagination.  And here we fell asleep on the couch before midnight.  We are disappointments, Torres.”  
  
“I’m okay with that.”  
  
“So what about SWAT boy?”  
  
Callie rolls her eyes and flips her hands up.  “I don’t know exactly.  I think she unloaded on him about some problems at the practice, and he said he loved her, and they both freaked out, and it’s just weird.  I think she just wants to like him but doesn’t really like him.”  
  
“Should we invite her back up here?”  
  
“No.  I think we should buy her `It’s A Wonderful Life’ on DVD and tell her to watch that instead of `Snapped’ when she’s having a crisis.”  
  
***  
  
After lazing around a while and then showering and lazing around some more our stomachs began to growl signaling the need for a late lunch.  We decided to go down to Pike’s Place to pick up some lunch and shop around and get stuff for dinner later.  We’re about to go in to a nice little lunch spot, when Mark walks up.  He looks relieved and I realize that I need to make the grand gesture here, and it will be easier than doing it at work.  “Have lunch with us, Mark?”  Callie looks at me.  Mark looks at his shoes, smirking and then, he looks up his blue eyes sparkling over mine and accepts the offer.  
  
“I’d love to.”  He holds the door open for us.  “Ladies.”  
  
“I can’t thank you enough Mark for shoving Callie into my living room.”  I’m trying to thank him, but not give him too much love either.  He’s still Sloan for crying out loud.  He is right in another life maybe he would have been the hot new blonde whose ponytail I couldn’t stop pulling, but in this one?  He’s still Sloan.  
  
“So have you two figured out the answers to life’s eternal questions?”  
  
“Well, we made a start.”  Callie chimes in, saving me from having to come up with something nice, instead of something snarky.  “We figured out that it’s most important to be with the person you love and to talk it out with them.”  Callie sounds confident and I can’t help the surge of emotions and tingles that shoots through my body.  
  
“Oh you did, huh?”  Mark sexes both of us up with his eyes and he has definitely left the kind caregiver behind in this moment and entered some dimly lit on-call room of his mind.  
  
We are seated and take some time to look at the menu.  It’s all questions of `have you tried this’ and stories of `oh, that was the time I ordered’ and we settle into an easy luncheon.  After a while I excuse myself to the bathroom.  As I return on the diagonal Callie watches me.  Mark glances to me and then leans in conspiratorially, to talk to Callie, but I can still hear him.  I’m that good.    
  
“More importantly, Torres, did you have hot make-up sex?  If NOT you haven’t truly made up.”  I walk up just behind Mark as he offers. “I could come over and help with the make-up sex since I helped with the make-up.”  He gives his powerful smirk and then leans back into his chair very smug.  
  
Callie snerks her soda through her nose, shocked and laughing.  
  
I slap the back of his head and he cringes hands going up, “Owww.  Erica.”  He turns to me holding his head.  I shake my head at him, but he’s all play now.    He takes his hands off his head and holds them up for a headline in the air.  “Dr. Erica Hahn.  Smashing dreams since 1967.  What a great by-line.  You should have that on your Seattle Grace staff web page.”  
  
I gasp at his age reference saying that I’ve made people miserable since I was born and smack him again.  “What about you?”  I motion with my own headline in the sky.  “Dr. Mark Sloan.  Giving nightmares to fathers, boyfriends, and husbands since 1965? ”  
  
He turns to me in shock and it is my turn to have the smug glare.  He didn’t know I knew he was older than me by two years.  Callie once again snerks soda through her nose, only this time she begins to cough and splutter, effectively ending the game Sloan and I were playing.  After Callie can breathe regularly again we leave our cozy little lunch and head our separate ways.  Sloan is a lot of things—boring is not one of them.  
  
***  
  
Having a tiger by the tail is serious business.  I am Dr. Erica Hahn the queen of serious business.  This should not be a problem.  Yet I bumble all over despite myself and Callie becomes poofy.  It’s late in the evening and I still have a sense that time is running out.  We know that we will do things together, but we need to move on from here.  We have so much talking to do and I feel like yesterday we made a good start, but today we have stayed focused on the happy and ignored the serious.    
  
“What did you always want to be when you grew up?”  I figure having Callie talk about what she’s always wanted to do is a good way to get her talking about her career ambitions and life goals.  Not too serious at first, but it can build up into the conversations that we need to have.  
  
Callie looks at me her brown eyes bright with a playful spark.  “The Green Lantern?”  
  
“What?”  If Callie were on the couch with me instead of the comfy chair I would slap her on the arm.  I am going to have to drag this tiger kicking and screaming into serious conversation.  Wait?  Did she just bring up a cartoon hero?  
  
Callie’s playful spark has just turned into a raging inferno of—I don’t know what—GLEE?  She has tucked her legs up underneath her and she’s holding the arm of the chair looking at me like she just hit the homerun that pushed the Boson Red Sox to throw off the Curse of the Bambino.  “You know.  Superhero.  DC Comics?  He has a power ring that is limited only by his own willpower, strength, and creativity.” I give her a blank stare, if only she knew how cute she was like that—all giddy.  Her face drops a little.  “Oh my god, you don’t know?”  
  
“Callie.  I wanted to know about your career?  Why did you go into Orthopedic Medicine?  Where did you want to be a doctor?  What do you need or want to accomplish?”  I keep the poker face that I’ve spent 30 years perfecting.  
  
Callie’s face has become playful again.  She likes the upper hand.  “Erica, you do not know DC comics?  I don’t know that might be a deal breaker for me.”  
  
“Callie.  Please.”  I scoff huffing at her and making a dismissive gesture like this is all very much beneath me.    
  
“You SO don’t know.  I will always win in this arena.”  Callie gets up and does a happy dance right there in the living room, and my jaw drops at the sight of it.  Maybe I should re-think my rule about not letting her win if she will do happy dances for me.  Watching her I let myself get distracted by her curves and moves.  I wonder what song she hears in her head.  
  
“I know something you don’t know.”  Callie whisper chants as she shakes around in a circle in front of me.  I’m back in the moment and it’s difficult to keep the poker face of seriousness, but we really need to talk.  She’s still dancing around and now she’s right in front of me her eyes taunting me.  
  
I let out a few heavy sighs of discontent pretending to not watch her and pretending to be annoyed by her antics and pretending that the Green Lantern wasn’t one of my favorites.  Callie wiggles around, her eyes twinkling, her body bouncing in a very distracting way.  She thinks she got me in a losing category on Jeopardy.  I let her have a moment of victory, then I pin her so to speak.  
  
In a low throaty voice I say, “You should be Jade.  She’s a she.”  Callie stops dancing immediately staring at me.  “You’d look hot in her costume.”  I look Callie up and down—blue tank top stretched over her chest and contrasting with her caramel skin.  Little pink and black crop pajama pants with skulls and hearts on them.  I know they are tight over the perfect globes of her ass, but I can’t see that right now.  I point to her, “Jade still has the same features:  powerful ring to create green energy, light-speed flight, plasma bolts, walk through walls, database, time travel, telepathy, dolphin mind control, language translation, force field generation, block the telepathy of others, invisibility, and freeze humans in their tracks.”  
  
You would have thought that I was Jade using the green energy to mesmerize her to me.  I wasn’t going to say the whole list.  I didn’t want to show off, just let her know that I did in fact know.  Let her know that I wanted to see her as my superhero.  After each detail Callie came closer to me drawn by my sultry voice, the come-hither look of my blue eyes, my knowing smirk that I was getting her good.  Her eyes were on my mouth the whole time as she moved closer and closer.  
  
I am slightly surprised by her response, she was so happy to have had an area where her knowledge put mine to shame, and then I yanked that out from under her.  Then again if her mind goes where mine sometimes goes when it comes to superheroes, then maybe she’s downright aroused that I would know so much about her superhero, even if I stole her thunder.  
  
I finish the list and look at her.  She attacks me pulling my hair, kissing me hard and then pulling her leg right over the top of me to straddle my lap.  So much for conversation.  What did Sloan say about not really being made up until we have hot make-up sex?  Bring on the making-up then.  I slide Callie’s shirt up over her head and she sheds her bra hastily.  Then she jerks my shirt up.  “Patience much, Callie?”  I chuckle at her as I remove my bra as well.  Callie takes my face in her hands and claims me with a kiss again.  Her hips grinding on my lap are enough of an answer for me.  I gather all of my superhero strength in one breath and stand up holding her to me and carry her down the hall.  
  
***  
  
Callie is snuggled against me in her sleep and as I start to move she holds me tighter and says, “Don’t go.  Hmmm.  Don’t.  Go.”  And she re-snuggles her body into mine.  I chuckle at myself; I’m not going anywhere, ever.  Callie may not have me wrapped around her finger, but with her body wrapped around mine—I will never be able to go anywhere else.  Eventually the call of Mother Nature wins though and I have to wriggle out of her grasp.  When I step out of the bathroom, she’s lying on her side propped on her elbow the blanket corner covering her hip, but above she is exposed and her legs have snaked out to the cool air below.  I suck in a breath of air wishing that I was a photographer in my former life.  I crawl back into bed at the sight of her and she kisses me good morning.  I lay on my back when she gets up to heed the call as well.  
  
Callie lays on me when she returns.  Her shoulder tucked into my armpit, her cheek against my shoulder, her hand across my stomach.  We snooze a little just basking under the blanket and happy to be warm in the chill morning.  I wake to Callie tracing patterns on my skin and lightly touching over my nipples when she makes the circuit of my body and then just barely over my sex.  What a fantastic alarm clock?  I smile and look at her.  
  
“Erica, what did you want to be in your career?”  Now she wants to *talk*?  I don’t know how it’s possible to love her more, but I seem to rise to the challenge and love her more each day.  I can’t believe she woke me up with the horny alarm clock and wants to have a serious conversation, but I roll with it—we have all day after all.  
  
“I wanted to be the best cardiothoracic surgeon period.  I wanted the best skills, then the best reputation, and finally the most awards…  I wanted to prove to everyone and myself that I could do it.  As I had difficult times with people I focused more and more on my skills.  They did not fail me.  They did not giggle behind my back, or not do their part of a group project.  My skills brought me attention, recognition, and the praise that I so desperately wanted.”  
  
She’s tracing her name on the sensitive skin of my stomach.  Then she shyly asks in a seductive smirk, “So you didn’t want to be Jade?”  
  
“Callie.”  I can’t help it but I smile.  I clasp her hand in mine and bring it up to my lips kissing the back of her palm.  “Ok.  If you were the Green Lantern, then I would want to be the Green Arrow so we could be a duo that takes on the wrongs of the world.”  I kiss her hand again pausing to think a second.  Her skin against mine is so beautiful.  We are so soft together and so different, but so good together.  I smile thinking now of what superheroes we should be.  “I think we would have to create our own superheroes, Cal.  I don’t think any of the writers so far have been able to give us modern, strong female heroes.  We could be our own superheroes… Maybe a duo—like the Wonder Twins?  Where we touch and our super powers ignite and we can go off and save the world.”  
  
Callie cuts me off excited by the idea of us as superheroes.  “Yeah.  We would work together like them but have a cool thing where we transform together.”  
  
I run my hand along her arm and side, dipping down to her almost hidden nipple.  She gasps.  In a low voice against the top of her head I repeat as I caress her, “The power of our touch would activate our super powers.”  
  
Callie leans back so that I can really start to touch her and she breathes out.  “Separate we would be just Erica and Callie, but together we’d be—.”  I’ve turned to face her and we are face-to-face, naked, but barely touching my hand now exploring sensitive territory and her breath hitches in her throat.  
  
Continuing to tease her with my touch I ask, “Together we’d be Eri-cal?”  I push Callie flat on her back and move along her body my hand dipping down to her sex.  
  
Callie struggles for words her breathing irregular.  “No.”  
  
I run a single finger along her slit feeling her wet desire begin to gather and as I reach her sensitive bud I pause just barely touching.  “E. C. power duo?”  I ask deliberately teasing and sultry.  
  
I slide two fingers against her and know that intelligible words will be hard to come by.  But I don’t mind.  We can have this conversation over and over again about how super powerful we are and what special talents we each have.  “Hmmm.”  Callie moans as I touch her and disconnect her brain function.  
  
My thumb circles her clit as my fingers work their magic.  I’m pleased with this little game, this topping of Callie.  Yesterday I wanted to be serious and she lured me into the bedroom, today she wants to be serious and I make sure she doesn’t get out of bed.  Last night Team Callie:  Score 1.  Today though—Team Erica:  Score 1 and counting…  I smile down at her watching the beauty that is my girlfriend, my lover, my superhero partner.  “Callie…  Erica…” I sing song over her.  
  
Her breathing is rapid, but she is apparently enjoying the game also.  Trying to come up with words for our super-orgasmic powers as she falls victim to my special charm.  In between short pants she breathes out, “Calli, Er, Cal, Eri, LieCa.”  She’s breathing heavy now and her body is shuddering as she approaches ecstasy.   Callie loudly moans out, “Callica” as she shudders and trembles, holding tight to my body.  She hits several notes as she does and sounds each syllable of our love loudly.  I hold her tightly and enjoy her pleasure with my own thoughts as I caress her and kiss her hair.  
  
Yess.  Callica.  Together we are unstoppable…  
  
***  
  
We go back to work and Mark manages to not even make any snide comments when I bring him coffee all by myself.  He looks me over and smiles, “Good to have you back, Dr. Hahn.”  I am glad that he doesn’t stick around for extra conversation.  I am also glad that I did my good deed in his direction, so that it is taken care of.  I have to admit it feels good to be back and to have someone notice and be happy about it.  
  
I’m still smiling at the nurses’ station when Callie walks up.  “Hey.”  
  
“Hi, Cal.  Did you see that just now?  I brought Sloan coffee and he smiled at me.  No barbs or sexual propositions.”   
  
“Yeah.  He was smiling when I passed him.”  Callie is looking over her chart and I can’t help but reach out and tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear.  She smiles for me still looking at her chart.  
  
“I can’t believe he had to be the one to talk to me, bring you over, and tell us we were being stupid.”  
  
“Well, he’s turned over a new leaf or whatever.”  Callie looks up at me smiling.  “Oh.”  Suddenly apprehensive Callie bites her lip.  She grabs my hand and drags me down the hall.  
  
“Callie?  What are you doing?”  She drags me into the locker room and stops at her locker.  I have to admit that I never wanted to be a part of the sex-at-work tradition at Seattle Grace, but I can’t say I put up much of a fight as Callie dragged me down the hall.  
  
“Here.”  She says handing me one of her long-sleeved thermals.  
  
“What?  Why, Cal?”  I look down to see if there’s something on my shirt.  My breath catches when I see her hand come up to the top edge of my scrub top following from my shoulder down to the v-neck of my cleavage but then she goes off the line and is touching my skin.  
  
“That’s why.”  She says biting her lip and looking sweetly at me.  
  
I move up the aisle quickly to the mirror at the end of the locker room.  My eyes get as big as saucers as I hold the edge of my scrub top and round back on Callie.  “I can’t believe you, Callie.  What’s our rule?  Our rule, I might add that YOU actually suggested.”  
  
She tilts her head to the side and does her best to look sheepish, but it doesn’t really work because her best naughty is shining right through it.  Defeated I shake my head and take my shirt off, putting on her higher scoop necked one and then my scrub top back on over it.  “You know if anyone asks me about this shirt, I am telling them it’s yours.”  
  
“Well, we’ve flown under the radar for long enough so do it, Hahn.”  
  
“First you mark me, literally.  Then with this shirt that is so obviously yours and not mine, you mark me again.  Would you like to pee on my leg?”  
  
“Erica.”  She tries to be serious, but she cracks up.  I approach her as we giggle and then kiss her lightly on the lips.  After a bit she pulls back, “What’s your schedule today?  Swamped?”  
  
“Not too bad.  I had a four hour this morning, but then I have a nice little break to eat and then a five hour.  Not bad actually.  Meredith is on my service today and she’s really come a long way, even if she still is mildly afraid that there is a steak knife in my pocket.”  I gaze into Callie’s eyes.  She’s just so gorgeous every time I look at her.  “How about you?  Busy day?”  
  
“There are five procedures today, but they are all short.  Then there’s paperwork.”  
  
I step close to her again my eyes seeking hers and my voice gentle but serious.  “Callie, can we do some of that talking tonight?  Please?  I’m getting calls back from some of the hospitals, and I know that you are too.  I just interviewed before you so I’m feeling a little pressure to give an answer.”  
  
“Tonight.”  Callie smiles at me and she kisses me to show she means it.  The door to the locker room opens and I hear voices come in and tense up because we really haven’t been out at work this whole time.  Not officially.  There are a lot of people at this hospital that I’d rather not deal with at the moment:  George (because he’s Callie’s ex), Izzie (because she’s Izzie), and the whole crew (because they are the gossip queens around here).  But Callie just holds onto me and I forget all about the voices.  She leans in to whisper in my ear, “Our touch activates our superpowers.”  Then she kisses me hard on the lips and leaves me standing in her shirt in her locker room in a puddle of superpowers.  
  
***  
  
“How should we do this?”  Callie is nervous.  She came home and found me reading in the bedroom, so she sat on the bed next to me.  Her back is to me, as she faces the room, but she’s half turned to see me.  I’ve rolled to my side to give her room and to look up at her. I’m glad I have on sweats because she wants to talk and any other clothing might have thwarted that.  
  
I pause looking up at her weighing the freak out factor against the time running out factor.  I decide to try pseudo-funny.  “You mean making a life altering decision on short notice with the person you love but you have a hard time talking to?”  
  
“Yeah.  That.”  Callie faces the room in general clasping her hands in her lap.  
  
“Well let’s start with what we want out of the future.”  
  
“I want you with me.”  
  
“Done.  Now, what do you want out of your career?”  
  
“I want to be able to rock surgeries, research and try new techniques and enjoy my career.”  Callie is looking at her hands as she speaks and as much as I want to sit up and hold her; she needs to process this on her own.  
  
“Do you want to be at the best hospital in the nation?  Do you want to be at a teaching hospital?  Do you want to specialize in any specific part of orthopedics that would affect your decision on hospital?”  
  
“I want to learn from great doctors and room to grow into a well-known surgeon.  I want it to be a large enough hospital to offer state of the art care.  A teaching hospital is all that I’ve known, so I think that would be fine.  I have no specific sub-specialty that would influence my decision.”  
  
“Well, then it comes down to which hospitals you liked the best and which towns and if you liked the hospital and the town.”  
  
“Hmmm.”  
  
“Or it may come down to the fact that we’ve only interviewed in person in LA and in Boston.  Maybe you want to visit more cities?”  I trail my hand along her back, and I feel her tense up.  I sit up next to her so that we are side by side.  
  
“No.”  Callie says to the room, more than to me.  I furrow my brow in confusion.  
  
“Callie?”  I lean forward to catch her eye before she can look down letting her hair fall in her face to hide from me.  I reach out to her smoothing her hair back and lifting her face.  “Hey.  Where’d you go?”  She smiles sadly at me.  “We’re super powerful together, remember?  Or do I need to remind you again?”  
  
“How do we activate our superpowers again?”  
  
“Touch.”  I lean in and kiss one cheek and then the other pausing to let the soft skin of our cheeks brush together.  “Like this.”  I rub my nose to hers in an Eskimo kiss.  “And this.”  I hold her face in my palms and kiss her sending her all of our super powers to get through this together.  I lean back and look at her letting my hands fall along her arms to her hands in her lap and I hold them looking into her eyes.  
  
“What about chief?  What about taking Tapley’s place in history?”  
  
“Callie, is that why you don’t want to make this decision?”  
  
Silence, but Callie nods her head.  
  
“Do I have to read your mind?  Or should I have Mark come over to translate for us?”  Callie just blinks at me.  I sigh heavily.  “Callie, I can’t talk for the both of us.  I can’t.  It has to come from you.  I am waiting here in limbo for you, to be with you.  But you have to speak up.”  I get up and go to the kitchen to get a glass of water.  
  
Water cures everything.  At camp it cured headaches, dehydration, and even homesickness.  At the hospital I was told to always offer a glass of water in a tense situation.  It calmed down the patient, the family, the staff member, the intern or whoever it was having a moment.  You came across as a good person for offering the water.  Then you bought a couple of moments getting the water, and then the person had something to focus on as well.  It gave them a chance to calm down and you a chance to think of what to say.  Or vice versa.  
  
I need both:  to calm down and to think of what to say.  I can’t decide for her.  She needs to be the Callie that I first met, the Callie that rocked surgeries and made grown men cry.  I need to hear her voice in this.  Or I need to let go.  I need to just make my own way and see if she snaps to or if I need to just go lick my wounds.  I thought we were done with this.  I thought she knew I wouldn’t leave her, and that I wanted her genuine opinion without pressuring her.  Maybe I just got too caught up in the dream of it.  Superpowers my ass.  Supersucky is more like it.  
  
The most challenge would be Mass Gen and it’s far away.  So far Callie can’t speak up and she seems most worried about Mass Gen.  Maybe she doesn’t want to go there?  But how would I know?  If she’s not going to speak up and all I have to go on are these thoughts… If I’m licking my wounds it will be at Mass Gen.  Challenge, far away, no Callie.  That would suck, but if we can’t do this I might as well make my final career chess move.  Then I can ease into a new life and eventually come back for this love thing once I’m settled in over there.  
  
*sigh*  
  
My hip against the counter, my fingertips on the water glass, and my mind and eyes focused somewhere well beyond the view of the trees beyond the window.  I can’t take this.  I’m new to love and all, but this doesn’t seem right?  How can this be right?  
  
Callie’s arms slide around me from behind and I tense up, on guard immediately.  “Will you move in with me?”  I shake my head `no’ in her arms.  It’s not `no’ exactly, it’s disbelief.  We already figured out we live together.  “Erica.  Please.  Look at me.”  Her hands are on my body and I turn not wanting to look at her.  She needs to break down my walls and demand to stay there.  She needs to be Crazy Callie coming in through my kitchen door in the morning to save the day.  I can’t do this.  “Oh, baby.  I’m so sorry.”  She reaches up gently wiping my face and I realize that I’ve been crying.  I am so tired of crying.  
  
“Don’t be sorry.  Be decisive.  Say what you want.”  
  
“I want to move to LA, but I’m afraid that you want to move to Boston to be chief.”  
  
Callie starts to turn away from me.  I’m not sure why.  She did what I asked and what I needed her to do so desperately that it was breaking me.  I grab her and turn her around.  “Don’t you dare turn around, when you finally speak up.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“I stepped away from the conversation earlier because I was frustrated and getting angry.  I didn’t want to say anything to you that I couldn’t take back.  But you stepping away now when you don’t know what my reaction is, well that’s just avoidance.”  
  
“I don’t want to lose you and I still feel like that’s where this is heading.”  
  
“And how do you think I’ve felt that you wouldn’t talk to me?  I felt like you didn’t want to talk to me because you would ultimately rather stay here or not want to go with me or something else.  I’ve had the feeling that time was running out and then you are stalling.  It has made me feel like you were pushing me away because you knew I was getting those calls and would eventually have to go.  It felt like you were just waiting me out until I left.  That’s part of why your freak out about me leaving you, didn’t make sense to me.”  
  
“What about chief?”  
  
“What about that hot little house we’re going to have in LA near the beach?”  
  
“Seriously Erica.  How can you pass up chief for me?”  
  
“For us.  You have got to get it in your head.  For us I would do any number of things.  But Chief in Boston isn’t as sexy as Chief in LA.  I’m not giving up Chief, Callie.  I’m keeping you first and changing when and where for Chief.”  
  
“But Charlotte?  Is she?”  
  
“No.  She’s not retiring, my god, she might be younger than me.  Nah.  She’s got ambition in her blood, she’ll eventually go somewhere bigger and I’ll take her spot.  Or maybe I’ll go somewhere bigger and take that spot.”  
  
“You could be chief later.  Somewhere else.”  
  
“Callie.  I want to be with you.  Boston is nice, but you weren’t there.  I came home early from my trip because I needed you.  I didn’t need to be in Boston to make my decision about Boston.  I needed you so I could decide to follow you.”  
  
“You’ve already thought of this?”  
  
“Callie.  You grew up in the sun.  Your best friend beside Mark is in LA.  St. Ambrose is a little bigger than Seattle Grace.  The staff and Dr. King make a good first impression.  So yeah, I thought it might be a real possibility.”  
  
“Oh.  Erica.  I love you.”  


“I love you.”  We kiss and then pulling apart from her I say, “So do you still want me to move in with you?  Or should we each buy a house on Addison’s street?”  
  
***  
  
A big decision leaves a strange mixture of emotions and until it has been followed through, they swirl around in a tumultuous storm inside your head, heart and stomach.  Last night, we fell asleep with a sense of celebration because we had made a decision, and we had grown as a couple.  We had to confront ourselves in order to confront our fears and each other.  Sometimes the only way to solve the problem is to go through it and work it out beyond.  I felt content that Callie had been able to make a decision she truly wanted, and yet I hadn’t given up myself too much either.  
  
This morning I awake eager, but then as I watch Callie apprehension sets in.  I decided to leave SGH months ago.  Mentally I have been checked out for a long time.  Callie has known that I was leaving for just as long, but this is the hospital that she has called home and it’s the only hospital she’s really worked at.  I have worked at other hospitals and never thought of SGH as my home.  I lay in bed turned on my side looking at Callie.  Her alarm goes off later than mine and I always love to steal these precious minutes before she wakes up to soak her in.  I’m not a morning person exactly but being able to enjoy her peace allows me to put on a braver face for the world each day.  I hope that I provide her with an additional source of confidence and strength as well.  
  
I brush my fingertips along her cheek beginning to rouse her out of slumber.  I don’t want her to wake up to the harsh alarm today.  I proceed to make a circuit over her body like she did to mine the other day—a horny alarm clock—and a much better way to wake and start our big day.  My hand trails along her side and goose bumps cover her skin.  She grumbles in her sleep shifting a little.  I trail along the underside of her breast and run my index finger down the valley between them before circling her other breast.  She moans a little in her sleep and thrusts her breasts forward to me.  I bite my lip wondering how far I can take this in her sleep, looking at the clock to see how much time is left.  
  
My fingers continue down the slight curve of her stomach and just over her sex.  She moans more in her sleep saying my name.  I wonder what dream is in the screen of her eyes as she hovers in sleep but heads toward consciousness.  I make the circuit twice more and then I linger on her nipples pinching and pulling them slightly.  I want to tug her into awareness little by little.  She is biting her lip, telling me how much she loves me, and beginning to undulate her hips.  I can feel my own desire building as I slowly make the circuit over her body again and again.  I can’t help my desire, but she’s not waking up.  I stop and move to shut her alarm off.  She whimpers in her sleep, but still doesn’t rouse.  
  
I can’t believe that I am doing this, but here I am lowering my body over hers my mouth hot on her skin trailing kisses first over one breast then down the valley between and then over her other breast.  I linger on her nipples and one of her hands goes to my hair.  I smile against her skin and look up, but she is still happily sleeping.  Desire builds like an avalanche and I roll down her body my mouth leaving a wet trail along her skin as I trail down her stomach, kiss the crease of her hip and ease myself down the bed until I am below her.    


Barely away from her sex, I can see her desire as I open her legs and make myself at home there.  I trace the words for my love over her:  admiration, appreciation, amazement, friendship, passion, desire, and love.  She is moaning and when she finally starts to talk I know she is awake.  “Erica.”  Hot panting.  “Baby.  My Love.  Oh fuck.  Fuck. I love you.  I love you.”  I trace my name on her, then hers, then ours together and as my fingers caress her sweet spot I can feel her close around me as her legs shake rolling up her body across her stomach and up through her whole body.  “Erica.”  She says when she can.  
  
“Callie.”  I say back to her and slide up her body.  She grabs my face in both of her hands and kisses me like she’d like to suck the air right out of me.  When she lets me come up for air, I tell her, “I thought I’d activate our superpowers early today.”  
  
“It only works when you moan out Callica for me.”  She counters back with a smirk.  
  
“Oh yeah?  You’re cute when you wake up.”  I tease back.  
  
Her hand snakes down to my sex where my desire is awaiting her and my nerves are crying out for her touch to activate those super powers.  “Yeah, we’re not activated until you moan out our name.”  She slides her fingers up and down my wetness and then takes me in one smooth motion.  I’m ready to moan right now, but lay back to watch her work.  With her eyes on mine and her hand working over my body, I let out a whimper and she smiles.    
  
“Erica.”  She whispers in my ear.  “I want you to wake me up like that every chance you get.  I want you to wake me up just to take advantage of me, whenever you want.”  All the while her voice is vibrating in my ear, her hot breath in the hair on the side of my head, and her hand, her hand—her fingers are making my toes curl, and her thumb rubbing against my clit in time with her touch makes me bite my lip and grab hold of the sheets, the pillow, anything I can get a hold of.  
  
Callie isn’t done with me though.  “You said we were super heroes.  Strong.  Powerful.  Women.”  I can hear her breath fluctuate as she tries to speak and continue touching me.  “Our touch ignites our superpowers.  Erica.  Callie.  Callica.”  
  
“Yess.”  I start to say in a throaty whisper but turn part way through into a stifled squeal.  
  
“Yes.  What?”  She says speeding up her pace. “Say it, Erica.  Say Callica.  Moan out our name together.”  
  
“Cal.  Uh.”  This is so hard.  I can feel my muscles spasming, and my body beginning to shake.  All thought is being shut down.  All ability to use language and process is being cut off.  I try again, “Cah.  Fuck.”  
  
“I’ll stop.”  She says in my ear, slowing her hand, but pressing fully against me as she pauses.  
  
The change is enough to send me over the edge and I can feel it, see it like a bright, too bright light behind my eyelids, “Callie.  Erica.  Callica.”  I breathe out in the pause before I go over the edge.  “Callica.  Callica.  Callica.”  Callie thrusts and rubs and I buck my hips; thrash my head around, while she stays with me, stays against of me, on me, in me.  Her name, our name on my lips, until I can breathe again, until I am aware of the bed and her breath on my ear, and the sunlight and the morning, and the first day of the rest of our lives together.   
  
She pulls away from me and I shudder hard and wrap myself around her tighter than a bear hug.  She lets me hold her for a moment, and then she pushes me back a little.  “Can’t breathe.  Erica.”  I back off a little and smile at her.  She kisses me and it begins to build into more.  If we don’t stop we’re going to be late, but we don’t stop.  
  
***  
  
“Ready?”  I ask looking at her.  I’ve stopped ahead of her before we go into the glass front doors of Seattle Grace.  It has been six months since I was going to leave, but I am so glad that I suffered through staying so that when I do leave—I’ll be able to do it right, taking Callie with me.  Or having her take me with her.  
  
Callie smiles at me.  “You bet.”  She steps closer to me and outside the front doors of Seattle Grace she steps to me smiling.  She imitates herself, “I just wanted to say…”  She says her eyes staring into mine and then her hands coming up to my hair as she claims me with a kiss.  I remember the first kiss, and shudder, but this one is so much better.  Confident, building, breathtaking in a whole new way.  How does she do that?  Find new ways to take my breath away every day—new ways for me to love her more ever day—how is that possible?  
  
Cough.  Cough.  “Are you ladies coming in to work today?”  
  
“Yeah.  Uh.  Chief do you have some time for us this morning?”  Callie asks her hand taking mine and fingers entwining.  Everything about our body language today is about being together and going through our big day together.  
  
“Yes, ladies.  Everything okay?”  
  
Callie turns to me giggling.  “We’ll see you in about twenty minutes.”  She pulls me in through the doors of Seattle Grace.  In the elevator, Callie hugs my arm snuggling her nose against my neck and ear and hair.  It’s like a full body Eskimo kiss.  “How long do you think he’ll make us stay here?”  
  
“Well, he can’t make us stay too long.  We should probably be responsible and finish our current cases, make sure any incomings are assigned appropriately, and if he has someone to bring in, help them out a little.  But you know he didn’t make Burke stay when I came in.  There was a vacancy for a while.  And since you haven’t been hired as an attending yet, he can make do with the rest of your department.  Beyond that we could always take sick days and vacation days…”  
  
“Wow.  You’ve thought this out.”  
  
“I’ve left hospitals before, and I’ve been making escape plans in my head since that day in November that I found out about Izzie Stevens.  It’s all I could do to keep from going insane.”  
  
Callie gasps and I can feel her body step away and turn to face me.  “Erica, I’m so sorry that you’ve been stuck here because of me.  I can’t even imagine being so ready to go and staying just because of me and then fighting with me.  I’m so sorry.”  
  
I’ve just about forgiven her thoroughly and am contemplating using the emergency stop button like everyone else on this staff when the elevator stops and the doors open.  Callie’s eyes widen and she tries to pull back from me, but I hold tighter on to her and kiss her one more time quickly before I let her go.  Our relationship hasn’t exactly been a secret, but it hasn’t been broadcast to everyone either.  From the moment that we held hands outside and began kissing, we unconsciously made the decision to come out in living color today.  It’s one of those good moments between us that we’ll laugh about later, one of the good times that our not talking worked out for the better—like when Callie kissed me for the first time because the words to express herself just wouldn’t come.  
  
Callie pulls out of my embrace and turns to see Bailey.  “Passport stamped.  I see.”  She says curtly before entering the elevator with us.  “Is it safe to ride with you two?”  
  
We look at each other and then Bailey giggling.  “Yes.  Bailey.  We won’t bite.”  
  
“Hard.”  I lean forward from the other side of Callie, who slaps my arm.  
  
Bailey’s mouth drops and she cocks her head to one side with her eyebrow up.  “Are you kidding me?  Dr. Erica Hahn?  Seriously?”  
  
I laugh a deep rumbling laugh that comes from my toes.  I am so happy today.  I am so me today.  I feel like I can breathe and I am not Dr. Hahn Ice Queen today.  Today a little bit of Erica has come to work, to enjoy one of the final days here at SGH, here in Seattle, in Washington State.  And Erica is a little mischievous.  I blame the bad influence of Callie…  
  
***  
  
“The day I kissed you, was the day that cement boy was here.  Do you remember?”  
  
“Yeah.  I remember.  That was a crazy surgery and it was tough to keep my cool around you.  I had kissed you in the elevator, but I couldn’t let on how important that was, I couldn’t risk my friendship with you.”  
  
“I couldn’t deal with it all very well either.  When you reached across me—”  
  
“You mean when Sloan said he always enjoyed a good game of twister?”  
  
“Yeah, then.”  Callie swallows.  “I had to go deal with cement-boy’s so-called friends.  The ones who dared him to lie in that vat of cement.  Did you know they weren’t even his friends?  Did you know that they did dared him because he never did anything?  He did it for that girl:  the center of the group.  He was so in love with her, that he laid in a vat of hardening by the moment cement.”  
  
“He did that for a girl?  I had no idea.”  I blink remembering.  I had such a different day that day than Callie.  “I was getting chastised by Richard about my treatment of Yang.  He scolds me for being harsh, but—”  I shake my head not wanting to bother with talking about him anymore.  “How did you find that out?”  
  
“Well in talking to those kids, I realized there was so much more that she wasn’t saying.  I got her separated from those boys and she admitted that they were friends.  She wouldn’t admit to being more than that, but I could tell.  It reminded me of you and how I wasn’t sure of how I felt for you, especially after that kiss in the elevator.”  Callie smiles at me.  “She said that their friends didn’t need to know, that no one needed to know.  I said, `Screw what they think.  This matters.  They don’t.’  And as soon as I said it I realized that I should be giving myself that advice.  It made a difference for me that day, even if I continued to struggle with it for a while.”  
  
“So is that what we are doing today?  Showing them who we are together, and screwing what they think?”  I ask her with a smile and plant a little kiss on her lips right there at the nurses’ station.  
  
“Now that’s what I’m talking about.”  Mark Sloan and his million-dollar smirk shine on us.  I can’t help myself, I smile at him—I smile at that crass, predatory ape of a man, who has come a long way and who has become, much to my chagrin—a friend.  
  
“Hey, Mark.”  Callie says smiling at him and leaning into me.

 

 

 

…


	7. Nerves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I forgot that Twilight was so popular back then! Lol. I can't say that I still like it, though I did for a little while there.

**_Becoming Okay—part 7_**  
  
Procrastination, avoidance, lolly-gagging… In very non-Hahn style I have avoided the Chief. We saw him this morning and we were going to go by, but then we each got traumas, we had a quick lunch, and there were more traumas. So, at the end of the day we still have not gone to see the Chief. I would rather simply turn in a letter of resignation to his assistant giving two-weeks-notice and disappear, but that isn’t very Hahn-like either, and then there’s Callie—she wouldn’t just walk out of this place like that anyway. In some ways Richard has been a father figure to her in recent years, while her own father has been across the country.  
  
Here it is, the end of shift and we are going to the chief’s office to tell him we are leaving and if he asks we’ll tell him we are leaving together, as in together together, and if he really wants to know, maybe I can go off on him with both barrels about Izzie Stevens and Denny Duquette and how that should have been handled. Callie will restrain me before I do any permanent damage. I sigh. “Are you okay?” Callie asks me outside the door of his office.  
  
I lean down and give her a quick kiss on the lips. “I will be. After.” I kiss her again. She smiles up at me giving me all the reinforcement I need to get this over with finally. I knock on the door that is slightly ajar.  
  
“Come in. Come in.” Richard comes around to the front of his desk welcoming us into his office. Callie’s warm reassuring hand is the only thing keeping me rooted to the spot. I’ve avoided the Chief and his office for six months, and I’ve done a pretty good job of it. “Erica, I’ve been expecting you. Callie, I see I should’ve been expecting you as well.”  
  
“Chief.” I nod at him curtly. Callie is a little more cheerful than I can muster up.  
  
“So, Erica, you’re moving up and moving on I take it.”  
  
“Er, yes.” I begin uncertainly. He evidently has some misinformation.  
  
“Chief of Surgery at Mass Gen? Tapley bringing you in? I’d take that even if I am close to retirement.” He looks very pleased and—proud? I can’t believe he would dare to be proud of me, as if he had anything to do with my training, improvement, or success. Callie squeezes my hand. I bite back the truth I was about to tell and breathe deep. We are all still standing in his office. I do not want to stay long enough to sit, nor do I want to sit while he continues to stand.  
  
“We’re actually going to St. Ambrose in LA. The programs and research facilities are stellar. Limitless opportunities I couldn’t pass up despite the lovely offer from Walter.” I make sure to keep holding Callie’s hand to root me in the positives. It’s like our probationary hearing so that we can get out of jail, we just need to play nice for a little longer.  
  
Richard is visibly affected by my response. I’m on equal footing to him at this point, on a first name basis with Walter Tapley, and a yes/no away from his own job. He sucks in a breath of air and mulls over what I said struggling for a response. “Opportunities further down the line. I see that as well.” He looks us over and I hold my jaw. “You said `we’?”  
  
Callie rubs her thumb against the back of my hand. “Yes, Chief. We are both going. I’ve been here too long, made too many messes, and need to start over.” I can see how happy Callie is to be saying that to the Chief, to be saying that it’s time to start over fresh with me.  
  
“Well, Erica. Callie. I know that there have been mistakes made and things have not always been handled well or communicated about very clearly.” He sits down finally behind his desk sighing heavily. “I am very sorry to lose two of the best surgeons I’ve had here.”  
  
I realize that he is not talking about Callie’s mess with George or any of the gossip—he’s talking about how his mishandling of the Stevens/Duquette issues drove us away. I realize in that moment that he at last comprehends this. I hear it in what he says and what he doesn’t say, there’s something about his posture and the worry lines of his forehead. He can’t tell us what he needs to tell us—that would be pulling the string that unravels it all. There’s a long pause as I process and look at Callie who squeezes my hand again. Then the Chief clears his throat, “Let me know when your start dates are at St. Ambrose so that we can make sure everything is in order for your departure. I won’t keep you here any longer than that.” He finishes quietly.  
  
I’d feel sorry for him, but his decisions and communication led to this situation from start to finish. “Thank you, Chief. We’ll call St. Ambrose and let them know and get back to you.”  
  
“Thanks, Chief.” Callie says as we turn and leave him still sitting at his desk looking at the summer staff picnic picture. He offhandedly replies that he will talk to us soon but doesn’t look up from his contemplations.  
  
Outside in the hall, Callie stops walking and I turn to her. “I can’t believe that went so well.” She gushes. I can’t help but smile at her, letting all of the tension and seriousness of the moment wash away. “He didn’t make a big deal about `us’ either. He just seemed sad.”  
  
I beam at her and lean in for a kiss. A kiss on the breezeway outside of the Chief’s office for all to see. I love it. I love Callie. I love love. What a crazy year this has truly been. As we pull apart I ask her, “Ready to call Dr. King?”  
  
***  
  
I’m waiting in the kitchen for Callie to finish talking to Dr. King. “Their orthopedic attending won’t be leaving for another month.” She frowns. “You get to go to the beach, hang with Addison, and start over and I’m stuck here.” Pouting—and what a magnificent pout it is—lip pushed out, brown eyes glaring, arms crossed across her chest—I’d feel sorry for her, but I can’t, it’s just too marvelous of a view to feel sorry for her whatsoever. Light purple spaghetti strap camisole and dark purple lace boy shorts and the sexiest pout on the planet? What can I say? She does things to me? I’m in that over 40 time to have lots of sex zone? I just love her and what we do to each other zone?  
  
She’s pouting for real, so, “Callie, it will be okay. You can visit me and I can visit you and in between you’ll finish up here at SGH and it will fly by.”  
  
“You’ll come back?” Callie still looks sad, but her eyes look to me hopefully.  
  
I cross the kitchen to where she’s standing at the counter. “Yeah. I go through withdrawals without you, you know? It’s not just you suffering when we’re apart.” She’s turned her back to the counter and I’ve pushed myself between her legs placing my arms on her shoulders like we’re at a school dance and don’t know what to do with ourselves.  
  
“A month here together, a month apart, then we’re in LA together?” Callie apparently repeats information she doesn’t like in the hope that it will magically change when it’s repeated, or that she heard it wrong. I’m not sure which, and in anyone else it would grate on my nerves causing me to lash out in a very uncaring manner. Callie though? She has the ultimate get out of jail free card, only she doesn’t trust how far to go with it yet.  
  
“Yes, baby. We’ll make the most of it.” I reassure her with my fingertips playing with the random loose hairs at the top of her neck.  
  
At my reassurance she breaks into a fantastic grin and runs her finger across my lips, down my chin, throat, chest and trails off at the top of my pajama pants as she looks back up eyes full of desire into mine. “Can we start now?”  
  
“Yes, baby.” What else am I supposed to say? I was already having impure thoughts the moment that she walked into the room in her version of pajamas. I nearly choked on my water.  
  
Callie is looking at me expectantly but I do nothing. I don’t know exactly what possesses me, but I just look at her full of desire—waiting. Callie waits a few heartbeats and then tries to kiss me and I lean back out of reach. I reach up and pinch her nipple through the fabric of her cami and am delighted to see it perk to attention. Callie’s hands are on my arms, but I wiggle away, giggling like an idiot. “Erica!” She growls and I almost give up my game, but it’s too entertaining.  
  
I turn to go, somewhere, I’m not sure where really because my brain is not working properly. She smacks my ass hard and I turn to face her suddenly going in for a kiss to which she moves away. Then the tables are reversed just like that and I’m chasing her. I slap her on the ass as she moves out of the kitchen and now she’s giggling like an idiot too. I can hear her in the living room, but I’m not sure where she is as I enter the room. Only she’s behind me then and she grabs me from behind still giggling. Her hands run quickly under my shirt and finding no bra there she tweaks my nipples hard and pushes me away from her laughing again. I smooth my nipples for a second but realize that it’s my turn to chase her. I can hear her giggles trailing off down the hall.  
  
In the bedroom, she’s trying to decide what would be best for her next attack and I catch her before she can commit to a strategy. I almost get her in my arms and she backs up. I follow her. She slowly backs into the wall in between the walk-in closet and the bathroom door. She looks shocked when she feels the wall at her back, and then she laughs harder, tears sliding out the sides of her eyes as I place a hand on either side of her head against the wall. I’m laughing too and breathing hard. My cheeks and sides ache actually. We just stand there not struggling, catching our breath, trying to stop the recurring giggles.  
  
Almost back to normal, Callie reaches her hand up to my chest and I swat it away, which starts a whole new round of giggles. I shake my head at her and try for a kiss but she murmurs ‘no’ with her lips closed and vehemently turns her head to the side so I can’t kiss her. We’re both trying to not laugh and it’s a silly thing to do, trying to keep your mouth closed when you still have a full laugh inside of you. So, I just let out my laugh and lean against her body, not trying to kiss her or anything, just being in her space my body against hers.  
  
When her breathing seems normal again she turns her head to face me. I push myself off her but keep her pinned against the wall. I kiss her on the lips hard and she whimpers into me. Her hands reaching under my shirt caressing my back and her skin on my skin is as exhilarating as it ever was. It is new and fresh each time. Only it gets better each time and that is truly the miracle of love, I think, that it gets better each time and over time.  
  
I kiss down her jaw line, down her neck, and I trace a finger along one of her straps and along the front of her camisole. I kiss her camisole where I can see her nipple pressing up against it, dying for attention, but I do not move her shirt or reach under it. I like her in this outfit so I want her to stay in it, for now anyway. I replace my mouth with my hand on that nipple and move my mouth to the other one. Callie moans as she realizes that I am not stripping her bare. The fabric barrier is foreign to me. We’ve always gone for skin, but I find that the fabric is the ultimate tease. I know what she feels like, what she tastes like and it is so direct with my tongue on her breast and on her nipple, but with the fabric I can’t quite feel it and I know she is dying for it—whimpering, moaning, ready to whine and demand.  
  
I lower myself to my knees below her keeping my hands on her breasts as kiss her stomach and run my tongue along the edge of her skin where the camisole shirt meets the top of her boy shorts. That is all I will give her. My thumbs and first fingers are on her nipples and pinching hard. I like to see how hard I can go with Callie. I know that I like it a little rough, but I have yet to really see how far I can go with her. With my breasts I lean into Callie’s legs and move side-to-side so she will open them wider for me. I run my tongue one more time along the top of her boyshorts and then I trace the edge of each leg in turn from her upper hip along the very sensitive line all the way almost to her center. I kiss where I know her sweet curls begin, then I kiss lower and lower.  
  
I can feel her wetness through the fabric and I can smell her sweet smell as I kiss and lick the fabric massaging it forcefully with my tongue and lips. I know that as much as this is teasing me—it’s teasing her even more. I kiss again massaging with my tongue and then I am placing the smallest nibbles into the pattern as well and Callie is muttering my name and some prayers and a few demands. I lower one hand slowly along her rib cage, over her stomach, and then up and down her leg to the side of me. I go slow so that I won’t rush and because I can’t see my hand as I am focused entirely on teasing the both of us with my tongue over her panties.  
  
From the sound of her voice and the wetness between both of our legs, I’m on the right track. Callie’s hand finds my hair and she holds it hard. “Erica. No. More. Teasing.” Callie pants out forcefully. I slide my hand up her leg and two fingers underneath the panties along the leg as I pinch her nipple hard and resume my tongue massage of her clit through the soaking panties. I add a third finger, while my tongue lingers hot on her panties over her clit and as I feel her muscles spasm.  I pinch her nipple as hard as I ever have before. My hair is nearly ripped from my head. Callie’s hips lower and thrust me even deeper into her. She leans back hitting her head against the wall. “Erica. Oh. Fuck. Ow.” Callie mutters and shudders again as I pump into her one more time. I couldn’t resist. She pulls me by the hair up and against her on the wall. I remove my hand and she curses me again and I simply scoop her up and turn the five steps or so to lay her on the bed.  
  
“Strip. Right. Now.” She pants as she tries to undress from a horizontal position. I slip off my pajama pants, panties, and shirt in no time and still have time to slowly drag her panties down her caramel colored legs. I bite my lip as I watch the panties all the way down her legs. I contemplate kissing my way back up them to her center so that I can really taste her now, but she calls my name in a strict voice and I look up. “Erica. I can’t move yet. So, you need to, uh, help me help you.” She smiles. I sit up from my sexy half-crawl a look of confusion coloring my face. Callie laughs. I smile. Only with Callie would I be able to smile at my confusion. Callie points to my sex, “That needs to be here.” She brings her pointer finger to her mouth. “That.” She points to my mouth. “Needs to be here. For real this time.” She points at her sex. I tilt my head connecting the dots and she laughs at me again. “Sixty-nine, Erica. Hmmm.” I roll my eyes, it finally clicking. Duh.  
  
I scoot up to where she’s lying and lower myself over her. She doesn’t waste any time and while I’m still kneeling her tongue is sliding along my opening lapping at all the wetness that was created from teasing her. Then her hands are on me, opening me more and I am lost. I think I may pass out so I crash forward without a lot of grace, then I remember the other half of this pact. I lower my mouth to Callie’s dripping wetness and shudder as soon as I taste her. I am starting to shake and Callie’s thighs are fluttering. We are both so close it’s painful. Callie sucks on my clit hard sending me over the edge. I moan mid-circle on Callie’s clit and try to keep my tongue steady on her as I ride out my waves of orgasm. I shudder enough that it moves my tongue on her because she goes over the edge with me—gripping my thighs hard and leaving a mark on one with her mouth.  
  
***  
  
Leaving is always slightly bittersweet. It draws into focus the positives of the situation so you can truly say goodbye to it. As the date of leaving is decided and then begins to loom closer you catalog the memorable moments, reach out to the people who have been there for you and make a list of things to do before you leave. Lying in bed one morning Callie turns to me and voices what I had begun thinking of my remaining time in Seattle.  
  
“What do you want to do before you leave?” Callie is serious, and she’s beautiful first thing in the morning looking up at me with eyes so full of love it brings tears of joy to my eyes just about every time. Although I am able to keep them from doing more than just fill my eyes with shine now. I breathe gazing into her eyes and then face the ceiling thinking about it.  
  
“Well there are some people I should talk to. And I need to figure out what to do with the house. There are some sights I haven’t seen even though I’ve been in Seattle a long time.”  
  
“What haven’t you seen?” Callie looks like I told her there was a present under the bed.  
  
“I’m afraid that I haven’t really seen anything.” Callie gasps so I explain. “Well, my parents passed away before I came here. I’m a workaholic. I had no one to go with or for.”  
  
“Wait. You’ve lived here for like 10 years and you haven’t seen all the tourist crap?”  
  
“I’ve been to the Aquarium, Pike’s Place, Pioneer Square, and the Museum.”   
  
Callie rolls her eyes and props herself up on one elbow. “That’s it? We have some busy days ahead.” I can’t believe how excited Callie is getting about this. It’s very sweet. Totally unnecessary, but very sweet. She lies on her back delightedly thinking out loud. “The Waterfront, the Space Needle, Experience Music Project, Woodland Park Zoo, the Underground Tour, Pacific Science Center, Gasworks Park, ferry to the islands, Queen Anne’s Hill...”   
  
“Callie? Were you a tour guide or something?”  
  
“Well, my family does visit. You are going to be put through the ringer by the way. I set you up for quite the grilling after my father met George. Hmmm.”  
  
“Callie don’t worry about that yet. You have to tell them a few other things first I think.”  
  
“Yeah. Uh. Right. Let’s plan something for this weekend.”  
  
“Hmmm. Can I plan something for right now? I could think of a few things…” I rub my nose in the hair on the side of her face and throw my leg over her so she gets my drift.  
  
“Such as?” Callie asks coyly so I run my hand under her night shirt and tweak her nipple as I lick my tongue just below her ear and down along her neck to give her a clue.  
  
***  
  
Reflection is a valuable thing. To be able to truly sift through your life and come to new conclusions or deeper understandings is a skill that many people do not take the time to hone. It is a skill that takes time and a certain amount of effort—you often have to review events in your life that you didn’t want to go through the first time, so you avoid reflecting on them because you don’t want to re-live those moments. The best learning happens over time and only truly sinks in with reflection. I may be the best, or one of the best, but reflection is still something that I struggle with.  
  
My work is busy, my personal life has become busy, and I don’t like to make mistakes let alone sit around thinking about how many I have made or any of my other shortcomings that weren’t mistakes per se. Finishing a chapter of your life and figuring out how to have a relationship has forced me into some reflecting however. I haven’t just learned about having a romantic relationship with Callie—I’ve learned about being a friend to Addison and Mark, a better teacher to the residents and interns, including Yang. I’ve had to realize that my lack of tact or thrill of using the sharp comment hasn’t always served me as well I thought it did.  
  
It kept people away—the goal for the longest time—but I’ve realized that like my goal of getting to the top of my career, keeping everyone away was a fool’s errand as well. I have had to work on my patient care as I focused to stay here at SGH, and I also began to focus on my teaching after the chief’s comment nearly a year ago. In particular I’ve had to acknowledge to myself that I was especially prickly with Yang. I still think she deserved some of it, and I still think that she needed to be pushed so that she’d be better, but I have to admit that I was prickly. I enjoyed it if I get to be totally honest as well. At any rate I feel that instead of an apology I’ll give her a heads up about the new Head of Cardiothoracics that Richard is bringing in.  
  
“You paged, Dr. Hahn?”  
  
“Yes, Yang. Have a seat.” She looks like she wants to run but is fighting the urge.  
  
“How can I help you, Dr. Hahn?”  
  
“As you know I’ll be leaving in a matter of days. I know that I haven’t been easy on you. Ok. So that’s an understatement, but I have been trying and I feel the need to do right by you...”  
  
“I don’t. I don’t understand.”  
  
“Chief said he is bringing in Dr. Dixon to head up cardio here once I am gone.” Her brow is raised in question. I shrug. “We all know each other.” Cristina is silent. “Look. You and I got off to a horrible start and part of that was because the Chief hadn’t told you I was taking over.” Cristina’s face drops as she remembers that conversation. “Dr. Dixon is difficult for a lot of people to work with. She has Asperger’s Syndrome. You need to read up on that and figure out how to socially interact with her. Personally, I get along with her, but I had time to build up to a working relationship with her. You won’t have that kind of time.” I stand to go.  
  
“Thanks. Thanks, Dr. Hahn. I appreciate that. Very much.”  
  
“Well, you like a challenge, especially if it leads to more cardio.”  
  
***  
  
Sitting on the couch watching TV or a movie has become a lazy pleasure that Callie and I enjoy when we get the chance. With our feet up and the heat on we feel that we have all the time in the world. That we can stay in our fortress and fend off any foes that may come to disturb our happy home. Even if Callie is reading and ignoring me, she reaches out and puts her hand on my leg or stretches so that her foot touches me. She always has some kind of contact with me, and I don’t mind entertaining myself with the laptop or a journal or something. I see that she’s almost done with her book and I can’t wait to find out what she thought of it at the end and discuss it with her. “Haven’t you finished that book yet?” I whine.  
  
“Almost. It’s finally getting really good. Cristina was right, I just had to get through all the Jacob stuff and then it would all get better.” I roll my eyes at her, pretending that I didn’t already read the books when they first came out. She doesn’t know that and it’s entertaining for me. What can I say? “What? Don’t roll your eyes at me!”  
  
“Or, what? Exactly? You’ll punish me?” She’s thinking about it I can tell from the wicked smile and that particular gleam in her eyes. I try to thwart her evil plot. “You’ll want me to have my arms and legs in working order so I can drive you away this weekend.”  
  
“Where are we going?” I can see not knowing will drive her crazy.  
  
“`To do' before I leave Washington, so there’s to be no interfering, lady. It’s my secret for now.”  
  
“Yep. I’ll punish you.” I raise my eyebrow at her. “Hmm. No sex. No sex for a week. That ought to do.”  
  
She is downright pleased with herself, but I think I can last longer than she can in this game and I’m willing to lose, so I decide to up the ante. “A romantic weekend and you pull the sex card?” I put my hand over my mouth thinking. “Maybe I should call Mark after all. List of last things to do in Washington and all that.”  
  
Her eyes about pop out of her head and she slaps my legs hard. “You wouldn’t dare!”  
  
Rubbing my legs I laugh. “No. I wouldn’t, but you should’ve seen your face drop.”  
  
“No sex for TWO weeks!”  
  
“You really are a masochist.” I deadpan—knowing she won’t make good on it.  
  
“I’ll be right here. In front of you. And you’re going to miss me.” Callie does a weird wiggly dance from her spot on the couch trying to taunt me with her body.  
  
I look out over the couch past the window imagining the pictures of the place that we’re staying this weekend. “Hmm. I think I’ll be in a private cottage with a king-sized bed, wood-burning fireplace, Jacuzzi tub enjoying a full-body deep-tissue massage WITHOUT you.”  
  
With a smug smile I turn back to Callie. I can see her backpedaling in her mind. “Maybe I could punish you *after* the weekend?”  
  
“Oh. No. I’ve been very bad. I think you should start punishing me right NOW.”  
  
***  
  
I made sure Callie was on a late shift Thursday so that she would be tired as we drove out of Seattle. I was counting on her falling asleep. To make sure I put in some really mellow music and talked about paperwork. Callie debriefed me on her day, but when I started in about paperwork I could tell she was nodding off. For once I was glad for paperwork. Callie snoozed through most of the 3½ hour drive from Seattle to Forks and I was lucky that in her moments of wakefulness she managed to miss all the street signs.  
  
It wasn’t until we pulled up at the Lost Mountain Lodge that Callie woke up. We were shown to our private cottage and Callie complimented it but was too tired to really care. I couldn’t have been more pleased. As she brushed her teeth and washed her face I scooped up all of the advertising about the area and hid them under my suitcase on the floor. I didn’t want her to put two and two together until the morning. I wanted to enjoy my plot for as long as I could. I had never been much of one for keeping secrets, never had many to keep in the first place, but this was becoming a kind of game for me to see how long I could keep it up.  
  
We slept well and in the morning I couldn’t help myself but to reach out and trace lazy patterns on Callie’s back and enjoy the sunlight leaking in from the high windows and listening to the water out on the yard with the ponds. It was the beautiful quiet of the morning when you wake up refreshed and without an alarm and you know that you are in love with the person next to you, and the world and your life. I don’t generally love mornings, they are simply a necessity, but I can’t argue with this kind of morning.  
  
Callie grumbles as I write things on her back. She needs to wake up because she is going to be more excited about this than the Green Lantern Comic Panties I found for her. “What are you doing?” The grouchy bear mumbles into the pillow half raising her head to speak. Her hair is a mess, her voice is thick with sleep and I know she’s naked under the sheet, but I can’t see.  
  
“Writing all the things we’re going to do this weekend on you, so that you know.”  
  
“You reveal your secrets when I’m asleep? That’s just great, Erica.”  
  
She starts to roll over and call my bluff. My hand splayed firmly on her back stops her. “Hiking. The beach.” Callie whines about the cold. “Gourmet breakfast. Dinner at Bella Italia.” She rumbles that is better. “Police station, high school, the outfitter’s and the hospital.”  
  
Callie groans. “We are not visiting a hospital. What the hell, Erica?”  
  
“Wait for it.” She grumbles but stays lying down. “The Reservation and La Push.”  
  
“What! Erica?” Callie sits up in a hurry the sheet falling, her eyes bright and wide as saucers, and she’s breathlessly facing me. It is Christmas morning and she’s as excited as I am now. She’s all caught up and glad that I woke her up. “What did you do?”  
  
“You finished your book, so I thought we’d come check it out.”  
  
“How? How did you know about this stuff?” I smile knowingly at her. She groans again. “You knew! You read all the Twilight books before you even met me! I can’t believe you didn’t say anything. How could you?” She grabs the pillow and starts hitting me with it, so I go in for restraint grabbing her wrists and eventually pinning her down on the bed. Her eyes are hungry and I don’t think it is anger anymore. I’m above her and she’s breathing hard, but happy. I lower myself down to kiss her and she takes my lower lip sucking it fiercely and then grazing her teeth against it almost wild. Maybe we won’t see much of Forks today? They serve breakfast until 11am and if we miss it? Dinner will be awesome. I can’t say I’m complaining.  
  
***  
  
We have been mostly inseparable since the morning after the scandal nearly shattered us in early November. We passed Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s under a dark cloud of question and pain. We made it through together and even though it hasn’t been easy, we have formed a very strong bond that will lead us away together: our dignity intact, relationship flourishing, and professional careers heading in a healthy direction.   
  
January, February, and March flew by. In April, I will house hunt in Los Angeles, miss Callie and get settled in at St. Ambrose. Callie will join me in May as we start our life together. Los Angeles—the ultimate city where dreams come true, movie stars are everywhere, everyone is gorgeous and it never rains… Ok. That’s a load of crap, but it does seem to stand out as a place of possibility that people flock to. Callie and I are just two of the more recent flocking there. Addison went and she’s slowly getting into a groove—she certainly wouldn’t go back.  
  
It still is very final to throw things into a box and pack up your life again. You have to prioritize things, decide what is really important and what just needs to be thrown away or donated. You have to go through clothes, old letters, photographs, canned food—whatever is in the way of packing boxes and streamlining the process. I’m not generally a pack rat, but after years at Mercy West and then SGH I have allowed some things to trickle into my life. Owning a house gives more room, which is also more room for the past to hang out and sit there collecting dust before you brave the possible emotions associated with going through it all again.  
  
“Can I help you?”  
  
“Could you make a list of things it looks like I’ve left undone in the other rooms? I tried to pack around things that we’d need up until leaving, but it’s time to finish those up too.”  
  
“Do you want me to stay here at your house and finish things for you?”  
  
“No. Well, listen. I don’t know what I’m doing with the house yet, so it doesn’t matter too much, you know. I want you to stay where you’re comfortable, but I don’t want to pressure you. Staying with Cristina might be really awesome your last month here, Cal.”  
  
“So it’s up to me again, is it? But you’re telling me this time?” Callie is giggling and her cheeks are bunched up and turning rosy and her eyes are crinkling at the edges. I can’t believe that I didn’t know I was in love with her or at least something until Addison freaked her out and the realization hit us like a bombshell. How could I have missed that?  
  
“Yes. It’s up to you and I’m just saying it upfront.” I step forward to her with a pen and paper so she can make my list. I kiss her on the lips and she tries to deepen it, but I pull away. She pouts and I think that is cuter than her giggles. “Later.” I promise her.  
  
“I prefer NOW instead of LATER.” She says and huffs off down the hall. Only Callie could make me think of candy. Now and Laters. I make a mental note to buy some before I leave and have Mark give them to her just to tease her. I snort to myself imagining the phone call I’d get in LA after he gives them to her. What flavor would she want? Hmmm.  
  
I turn back into the bedroom unsure of where to start. Bookshelves. End tables. Dresser. Closet shelves. The bathroom. Books are easy to pack up so I begin there. After five boxes I have an empty shelf and a small pile of books that can go to the library for their used book sale. I begin to work on the dresser. It’s a large dresser with two sets of drawers side by side and I have forgotten what all is in them, favoring instead the easiness of grabbing clothes hanging in the walk-in closet. I take each drawer out and dump its contents on the bed. Underwear, socks, bras, a pair of panty hose that I forgot I had all pile easily into a box and I label it UNDIES with a sharpie and make a mental note to keep that box near the top until it is indeed time to go. Otherwise I’ll be wearing Callie’s comic book boy shorts and thinking all sorts of unprofessional things all day. Hmm. Maybe on my final day I could wear them to work for Callie…  
  
I pile the contents of each drawer on the bed and then organize and pack. It’s messy to start with, but it’s efficient. Callie joins me. I can see on her face that she is surprised at my methods. Everyone assumes that I am anal-retentive when it comes to organization. They are right about that—the final product of what I do is rigidly ordered. However, they also assume that I go about things in certain ways and so a large pile of things on the bed, which is by definition a mess, would be surprising. I see it as the most efficient way to get to the order that I desire. Dump the contents of a container on a flat surface and chip away at the pile. Organizing by taking one item out at a time seems overly time-consuming.  
  
“You’re a busy bee.” Callie says smirking as she sits down on the opposite side of the bed and gesturing at what’s left of the pile of stuff between us.  
  
“I like a little chaos. It moves things forward.”  
  
“Controlled chaos?” Callie challenges me. I nod sheepishly. It’s not like a pile of clothes will overthrow the order of the universe. Callie shakes her head.  
  
“Only you, Hahn.” She says looking up at me mischievously. “Accepting chaos only when you know you can beat it into submission.” I keep organizing but a startled gasp turns my attention back to her. “Erica?” Callie asks in a strangely happy, excited, quizzical tone I’ve never heard before. My eyes bulge out, my jaw drops, my heart flutters wildly and my stomach does a flip-flop. My whole body just fluttered, flapped, and my brain is now wishing the earth would open up and I could fall into the abyss and disappear. “What. Is. This?”  
  
In a clear plastic zippered pouch there is plainly the most mortifying outfit that Callie could ever find in my belongings. I had forgotten all about it, and it’s not that I’m embarrassed about the outfit, it’s that I’m embarrassed about Callie finding it this way and having to explain it. Callie can clearly see black pointy-toed heels and a mass of lacy black fabric laced with baby blue ribbons. Callie sucks in air over her teeth, this outfit even in its crumpled state screams sex. I know that it is a low-cut black bodice laced together with baby blue ribbon and extra fabric that hangs off the back in the tease of a skirt, that matches with the barely there lacy boy shorts.  
  
It is not particularly revealing. In fact, it is quite tasteful as it covers everything, but does draw the eye. It’s like a lucky shirt with a low-cut v-neck that draws the eye down into the cleavage. Anyway. The outfit is not embarrassing—it’s the finding and the explaining. How does that outfit belong in the world of Erica Hahn?  
  
“Erica? What is this?” She’s still holding the unopened package. She’s amused because she knows it was hidden in the dresser and it is screaming sex.  
  
There are two ways to handle this: freak, try to get it from her, which will pique her curiosity; or act nonchalant about it like I did after the elevator kiss. I choose nonchalant. Freak out can be Plan B. I reach for the package. “I’ll show you.” My throaty offer gave her the clue because she hands the package over silently looking into my baby blues.  
  
I kick off my shoes and lift each foot to take off my socks. I lock my eyes on Callie’s reaching my jeans’ button and unzip them shoving them down my legs. She licks her lips as I slowly step out of the pants. I take my t-shirt off and toss it to her. She catches it smiling and smelling me there. I reach back unhooking my bra letting it fall to the floor. “Why don’t you turn some music on?” I suggest to her my voice definitely sultry now. Callie keeps her eyes locked on me as I lower my panties to the floor and step out of them. She stands torn between sitting down and me. I hold up a finger to stop her.  
  
I unzip the pouch and pull out the boy shorts slipping them on. Callie whimpers a little bit and I pull out the high heels. “Push all that stuff onto the floor.” Callie jumps up like she has waited her whole life for that command. I bend down so that my hair falls forward over my head, my bare back shown to her as I wrap the straps around my ankles and up my legs a couple of times and fasten them. I rise up slowly using the full curve of my spine to slowly face her again my hair falling a mess around my face and she’s as out of breath as I feel.  
  
She begins to rise and again I hold up a finger to stop her.  
  
I hold up the black bodice so that she can see it and then I check that the front ties are loose and stretch my body up, my arms as far as they will go. I slide the bodice over my body covering my breasts and torso. I adjust the straps and begin to tighten the front ties. I check the straps over my shoulders and make sure that the ribbons are tied in their prim little bows.  
  
I’ve had time to sort out my story, but still find myself at a loss for the words to begin. I begin to sway a little to the music that Callie has put on. I am so glad she persuaded me I needed music in the bedroom. Callie can’t sit still for very much longer. I need to tell her where this came from before I let her enjoy it. “You know that I will accept a lot of challenges. Like when you and Sloan were in the elevator and I took the challenge and kissed you?”  
  
Callie nods. She’s wriggling on the spot like a runner waiting for the starting gun to go off. “And you know that before you I was into men, if I was into anything.” Callie nods again her eyes flashing bright. “At Mercy Mark Sloan was Petur Petrov—a slightly taller dark Mark. Bulgarian. I wouldn’t date him and we fell into a battle of words.”  
  
“Oh.” Callie sighs out looking relieved.  
  
“No. I never slept with him. I made it clear from the beginning. However, we did get along and there was this constant torture of him wanting me to date him, and me kind of wishing we could try.” I shake my head. The moment had been sexy and talking about him was going to kill it. I want Callie to know the history of this garment though. “One day we were shopping over the summer. He wanted my opinion on a gift for his sister. We passed this outfit and he laughed at me saying that I would never wear it. I was so upset that he would make that assumption that I went back the next day and bought it.”  
  
Callie has scooted as far forward as she can without falling off the bed. I stop just looking at her. And then I shake as a chill passes through me. She stands and steps toward me. “And then what?”  
  
I can feel a blush warm my cheeks and I look into her eyes. “Mercy has a Halloween party every year at the Head of Oncology’s house. It was a masquerade.”  
  
“Tell me you didn’t?”  
  
“I did. I wore this, but had my face painted and my hair in a crazy up do with color streaks in it, so that I was barely recognizable. I had this long black coat—”  
  
“Erica. More dancing.” Callie says as she slides her body to mine and puts one hand on the small of my back and the other on the curve of my ass. Rocking my hips with her body. I look down giggling at how much shorter she is than me. After a few moments like that she pulls back to look at me. “Dance for me.” She breathes out sitting on the bed.  
  
So I do. I swish my hair. And I shake my ass. I rub my hands over my body. I watch her watching me and it is the biggest turn on of my life. This outfit? So worth it. I eventually turn the dance into a teasing interactive lap dance where I slowly strip Callie.   
  
“Undress me.” I whisper standing at the foot of the bed before her again.  
  
Callie swallows hard. I’ve broken the teasing rhythm that we had going, but I need more and it’s not fair for Callie to be barefoot and I’m in 4-inch heels. “Your foot.” She whispers indicating that I should lift my leg to her. She scoots back as I place my foot between her legs. I’m breathing hard and beginning to wobble so she hurries with the straps. My foot is free and she lowers the shoe to the ground on her side of the bed. She frees my other foot, then she stands palming my breasts through the bodice running her fingers along each baby blue ribbon exploring them one by one. As much as I want her, I understand prolonging the moment as I did to her when we were play fighting and I wouldn’t take her clothes off. It’s not like I wear this every day and I am enjoying it too.  
  
Callie finishes exploring the bodice and works the ties in loose so that I can slip it up and over my breasts, which we do, and I fling it toward the walk-in closet. Callie’s hands brush along the skin of my chest, which is flushed and hot from dancing, teasing, and being caged. Her touch sends chills all over my body and I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck standing up and the moisture collecting in my boy shorts.  
  
Callie looks me in the eyes as she caresses me and then she reaches around and gives both of my ass cheeks a properly hard squeeze. I moan and she smiles wickedly sucking in a sudden lungful of air. Callie moves her hands to the top of my boy shorts and holds them there leaning back. She kneels down sucking at first one erect nipple and then the other before suddenly pulling my boy shorts down. I place my hand on her shoulder and step out of them. Callie rises to her feet and takes my hand in her own, pulling me with her to the bed.  
  
Face to face on the bed Callie traces the side of my face with her fingertips. “I love you, Erica Hahn.” She smiles the most satisfied smile I can imagine and it makes me shiver to think that I’ve caused her to be this happy with me and with our life, as crazy as it is right now.  
  
“I love you, Calliope Torres.” I lean into her and she meets me halfway in a languorous kiss. Our tongues tell each other how much they love each other as well, and then our bodies begin to cry out for more.  
  
Slowly our hands slide between us where we revel in the wet desire of each other. It is slow and steady and builds, like our love. Our muscles flex together, our hands slide together, our lips cover each other’s pleasure as we bring each other to orgasm together, ride over the edge at the same time, and hold onto each other as the tides recede leaving us stronger in our love.  
  
***  
  
“How was your day, babe?” I lean to give Callie a quick kiss as she greets me.  
  
“Well this was my final day of surgery. It went well, but it’s kind of weird. The next few days will be patient follow up and paperwork. Then I’ll get Yang de-briefed on the patients so that she can fill in Dr. Dixon.”  
  
“She appreciates you giving her that heads up by the way.” I raise my eyebrows. “Yeah. She said that she was happy for us and that you’ve been downright nice to her.” Callie is beaming at me and it makes the extra effort that I’ve made with Yang in particular all that much more worth it. Callie is as proud of me as I am of her.  
  
“So how was your day? I heard it was crazy.”   
  
Callie lets out a laugh sigh as she thinks about her day. “Well, it turned out okay, but there was a lot of freaking out at the beginning.”  
  
“Oh. Do tell, I like the stories that start with freaking out and still have a happy ending.” I smile at Callie entwining my fingers with hers as we walk out to the car.  
  
“So the kid comes in with his coach. He’s freaking out alone. Mom gets there and he calms down. Karev takes him for x-rays and the dad shows up. Shouting match with the mom—bad divorce I figure and roll my eyes. Dad doesn’t want him playing hockey—he’s the top defenseman in Washington State. We’re talking scouts and scholarships here.”  
  
“Wow. So, what happened, Cal.” At the car, I let her in and quickly go around to get the heater on. Callie reaches across the car and opens my door just a little for me. It’s the little things that really get to me and I try to remember each one she does so I can treasure them.  
  
“Karev comes back and the kid sullen. I begin my exam, you know, seeing how the bones move in relation to each other and how much pain he says he’s in. I’m just about done and ready to address the parents when, get this. His OTHER mom shows up. Shouting begins all over again as the dad attacks this new mom about the hockey, and the first mom talks over him. I kick them all out to a waiting room.”  
  
“You kicked them out to argue in their own room? That’s the move of an attending, Callie. You are really ready.”  
  
“I know, right. The kid tells me his dad isn’t really pissed about the hockey. He bought him the pads and skates when he was a kid. His dad is mad that his wife left him for a woman. He laughed at my shock, but he was serious. He wished his dad would just get over it. The boy is happy that his mom is happy, and he wants his dad to move on and find his own happiness. After talking to him I just really felt like he was special, you know?”  
  
“So what happened? You promised me a happy ending!”  
  
“I talked to the moms first. When I talked to the dad I let Karev lead and he kind of went off on the dad about being happy in life and hanging on to what was really important. It wasn’t very professional for me to let him do that, but I reined Alex in after he made his point. I scolded him and sent him away. Kevin didn’t need surgery, but he’ll need re-habilitation for three months or more. I talked to Karev later and he wasn’t mad at me after I explained and brought him a cappuccino that I made George go get me. He loved that part of it, actually.” Callie chuckles.  
  
“Oh. You are on your way to being a masterful attending. I’m going to have to take lessons from you. I never worked the social network like that. Can I touch you for luck?” I jokingly ask her as we stop at a light and I reach out with one finger and touch her shoulder.  
  
Giggling she turns to me and says that better touch will have better luck. I reach over and grab her hand bringing it to my lips. “I just really thought it was great that Kevin was so cool with his moms and frustrated with his dad. It made me really happy to see them together as a family. I was also really happy that Karev would stand up for that, you know he didn’t have it easy, so he wants people to take care of each other and cherish the family bonds that they have.”  
  
“That’s sweet. It’s a shame that I’m learning about these people before leaving.”  
  
“Yeah. But now you know that you can know your colleagues a little better, right? So, it’s not all a loss. You have me and a fresh start and a lot of new knowledge to use. You’ve always liked a challenge so I think this should be great for you.”  
  
“I love you.” I say as we pull up at the house.  
  
“I love you, too.” Callie says looking deep into my eyes. Then she flashes me her wicked girl grin and with her door already open she says, “Race you to the bedroom!”  
  
“That’s not fair!” I shout as her door slams shut before her sentence is even really finished. Maybe I just don’t want to lose? Oh, who am I kidding? She’s racing to MY bed. There’s no such thing as losing with that destination in mind.  
  
***  
  
Dating from the 1962 World’s Fair, the Space Needle is a one of the most famous landmarks in the Pacific Northwest. We ride the crowded elevator to the top and I get weak in the knees from staring into her eyes and the speed. On the observation deck Callie follows me as I go from one set of binoculars to the next. She points out downtown, Lake Union, Lake Washington, Mt. Rainier and other landmarks. After two laps around Callie makes me stop and take some pictures. I think my excited buzz is wearing off on her, because she’s finally starting to share my smiles. She was grumbling today and seemed to have things on her mind, but as I’ve drug her around in circles she’s loosened up and is laughing at my childish wonder.  
  
After just standing and looking out at the view and snuggling a little, Callie turns to me, “Ready?” I just give her a little blue-eyed pout because I truly am not ready to go. I feel like I just got here in so many ways and I’m here to say goodbye. Callie is not to be dissuaded.  
  
“We’re eating here?” I ask shocked. I should have known that Callie wouldn’t drag me away like that. She seems pensive again and nods yes before turning to the maître d’. Apparently, we had reservations, which sends a little jolt of love right through my heart again. Seated we enjoy the views as the restaurant rotates. I keep catching Callie staring at me, which is not the same as catching her checking me out or gazing at me. A couple of times, she’s so startled when I catch her that she drops her fork. It’s making me a little nervous too, so I finally just ask her, “You ok, Cal?”  
  
“Ahem. Uh. Yea. Yes.” She looks away from me and I can see her sort out her feelings before looking back up to me. “I forgot it was so beautiful to eat here at sunset.” And her poker face is almost believable.  
  
“Can we go back on the deck after dinner before we go, Cal? I want to see the sunset.”  
  
Callie beams at me and I forget her earlier nervousness. On the deck, I remember her nerves immediately.  
  
“Callie?”  
  
“What? Huh. Oh, let’s stand over here.” She grabs my hand and drags me a little ways away from a small cluster of visitors. Against the railing she drops my hand immediately. What now? I can’t imagine what could have gone wrong. Callie planned this whole day and I’ve followed along blissfully happy. I could understand if I had dragged her on the ferry and she didn’t want to go, but I made her and she got seasick. That I could get, but this? I don’t know this.  
  
“Callie. Honey?” I can feel a flush begin and my heart is pounding.  
  
Callie looks like a panicked deer and she’s stuttering. “I. I. I. I. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know what I’m doing.”  
  
I turn Callie to face me and panic seizes me. “Callie. You’re freaking me out.”  
  
“I’m freaking out. Give me a moment.” Silence. “I love you. I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life.” Callie begins. And stops. “You saw leaves and it took me a while, but I saw them.”  
  
I am frozen and can't help either of us.  
  
“I get all `ahhh’ and then I get all clingy. Remember?”  
  
“Yeessss?”  
  
“Okay. So I don’t know how to do this, but I’m in the clingy mode. You’re going away and I know that we’ve done this before, but I need… I need to say something…” Callie closes her eyes taking in a fortifying breath of crisp air. She exhales and turns to face me and there’s no more stuttering or stammering. Her eyes are steadily holding mine and a smile creeps across her features. “I want be with you for life, Erica. I want to be with you all the time. We’ve marked each other, we’ve claimed each other, we’ve promised each other… I want to promise you forever, Erica.”  
  
Callie reaches into the inside pocket of her jacket pulling out a white gold necklace with a diamond encircled in a white gold pendant. She drops down on one knee. “Be my always, Erica, be my forever, please? My heart is yours.”  
  
“Forever isn’t long enough. Yes. Callie.” I grab her up sealing our promise with a kiss. The world fades away, all that is left is our kiss, our warm breath, our bodies pressed against each other. And forever. Forever isn’t long enough, but we have it to share.  
  
Callie pulls back and puts the necklace around my neck. I hold my hair up looking into her eyes. Her eyes follow her fingers down the necklace into my cleavage. She holds the pendant and looks into my eyes saying, “Para siempre, para nunca, mi corazon es el suyo.”

 

 

…


	8. LA Lemonade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beta: major_roon 
> 
> *Drink description: L.A. Lemonade: 1800, Sauza Conmemorativo, Herradura Silver & Cointreau, hand shaken  
> *I feel the need to say that the Metrolink crashes were real, except for the one that St. Ambrose had to deal with  
> *If anyone wants to be my Spanish teacher... I'm sure I could use one...

**_Becoming Okay—Part 8_**  
  
“I love you.”  Callie stalks me with her eyes as I double-check my clothes for the trip.  My boxes are all in the garage so Callie can continue to pack her stuff.  When the time comes the movers will easily load the truck from the garage.  
  
“I love you too, Callie, but don’t stalk me with your eyes like that.”  Callie rolls her eyes.  She knows that she’s being clingy again and she enjoys pulling on my heartstrings.  I can’t count how many miles I’ve done on the tenderness treadmill.  Before her, I didn’t know it existed.  
  
“You leave in an hour right?”  
  
“Yes.  Callie.  The shuttle will be here in an hour.”  
  
“Kiss me.”  I glare at her.  “Don’t glare at me.  Get over here.”  She pats the bed.  I really can’t say no to her.  It’s pathetic really.  I put the suitcase by the door while she pouts and I decide to just pounce her and say goodbye thoroughly.  I know I will lose the battle of resistance anyway, so I might as well use my time efficiently.  I turn back to her and stand so close she quirks her eyebrow at me.  “Erica?”  
  
“You wanted a kiss.”  I lean forward into her space.  Callie yields and scoots back on the bed.  She growls `yes’ as I lower myself over her and kiss her neck.  “I love you.”  I trail my tongue over her pulse point and suck lightly.  “I’ll miss you.”  I reach down and pull my shirt off.  “This is a short time apart.  It will make me love you even more.”  I rise up and run my hands along her arms, shoulders, over her breasts and down her rib cage until I’m at the edge of her shirt.  Callie smiles up at me and arches her back so I can remove her shirt as well.  
  
“I love you.”  Callie giggles as she sits up and removes my bra.  I shiver as she trails her fingers over my skin.  I remove her bra lowering my mouth over her breasts.  I hover there until she squirms.  
  
“I’ll miss touching you.”  I suck her nipple into my mouth licking it but then clamp my lips around it.  I suck hard then smooth it with a gentle lick.  “I’ll miss your skin.”  I place my hand over that nipple and mouth my appreciation of the other.  Backing off her legs I reach the floor again.  I unbutton my pants while Callie watches me full of desire.  She licks her lips and lowers her hands to her stomach.  As I step out of my pants, Callie follows my lead and unzips hers.  She lifts her hips and I return to the bed to help her out of them.  Naked I lower myself over her.  Skin to skin always takes my breath away at first and this time is the same.  “I’ll miss your skin touching mine.”  I murmur my voice tickling her ear.  
  
I shift to the side leaning on one elbow and slide one leg between hers.  I move my thigh up almost to her sex until she squirms beneath me.  “Erica.”  She whines.  I smile and lift my free hand to her face.  I cup her cheek and pull her close.  Deepening the kiss, I lower my hand along her neck, over her collarbone and cup her breast.  Callie gasps into my mouth and we break apart.  
  
“I’ll miss your arousal.”  I take her nipple between my thumb and first finger.  Pinching slowly, I look into her hooded eyes and growl, when I see a lust that matches my own in her eyes.  Callie lies flat against the sheet.  I scoot lower along her body, capturing her nipple in my mouth swirling my tongue around it.  Callie arches into my mouth.  I slide my hand along the skin of her stomach and hear Callie’s breath catch in her throat when I suck her nipple into my mouth with force and graze my teeth against it.  
  
My fingertips reach the edge of her curls and I slide just the tips of two fingers along her slit.  My own breathing catches in my throat and Callie moans beneath me.  I shudder a little at how wet and waiting she is.  I throw my leg back over her thigh to secure it and press my own wetness against her for some relief.  “I’ll miss feeling you like this.”  I trail my fingertips up and down her wet folds, feeling my own muscles clench as I slide against her.  My leg tightens around hers.  “I’ll miss the feel of you.”  
  
“Erica.  Erica.  Baby.  Please.  You feel so good, baby.”  Callie arches up, her breasts in my face and her pelvis pushing harder against my fingers.  I bite my lip considering options.  Callie thrashes as I suck her nipple into my mouth hard and pump my fingers.  She moans when I pull away from her bringing my fingers to circle her clit.  I push back on my knees and settle completely between her legs.  Callie is beginning to moan my name and push her hips against me.  
  
Holding her thighs apart with my body I take in the beauty of Callie.  I switch the fingertips on her clit to the pad of my thumb.  Callie bites her lower lip.  Watching her sends fresh shivers of delight through my body.  I suck two fingers into my mouth and bite down on them as Callie writhes in pleasure and opens more for me as I lean forward into her.  Her legs wrap around me squeezing hard.  Her strength holds me steady as I pump my fingers.  The thumb of my other hand slowly circles her clit, stroking her in steady circles, her breath coming in short gasps until I know her orgasm is close.    
  
Callie mutters my name repeatedly; her hands suddenly reach for the headboard.  Her legs finally relax and tense around me in a steady rhythm.  “I’m so close.  Erica.  So close.”  Callie hisses.  She lowers her hands to her breasts.  I change my pace slowly increasing the speed of my hands on her.  
  
Callie’s walls close down on me.  Her whole body shakes from her center up.  Her legs clamp around me in a vice grip.  She is the most beautiful person on the planet.  “I’ll miss making you come like that.”  I utter through my own heavy breathing.  Callie says nothing, but smiles.  After a few moments her legs release me and I slide to one side of her.  “I’ll miss being inside of you.”  I breathe into her ear as I slowly slide my fingers away from her wet folds resting them against her throbbing clit.  
  
Callie shudders again and kisses me hard.  I moan into her mouth and she returns the kiss to me.  I don’t know if she’s ready, but my fingers begin to circle her clit again.  I am amazed at how wet she is and how good she feels against my skin and all over my body.  Forever is truly not enough.  There will never be enough of this, of her, or her pleasure.  “Erica.  No.  Too much.”  She is bucking and writhing against me, but it is not too much.  
  
“Callie.  For me.”  I whisper throwing my leg around her again.  I circle and circle.  Callie’s breathing is out of control.  I can feel her tremors begin and I whisper in her ear.  Callie screams my name loudly.  I watch her ride out the waves of her orgasm stilling my fingers against her.  I slide my hand along the sheet behind me and then over her stomach and up to her breast again.  Callie stops my hand over her breast and holds it there.  After a moment she turns and begins kissing me again.  She pulls back and lifts my hand to her lips.  Smiling Callie inhales herself on me and sucks my fingers in her mouth—tasting herself on me.  
  
Callie shifts away from me.  This is my signal to move into her place and begin the dance again with her in the lead.  I smile at her.  This will be a short but passionate song.  Callie wastes no time rising up on her knees and positioning herself in between my legs.  She lowers herself over me.  Her hands prop her up on either side of my head.  I love knowing how strong she is.  Callie kisses me as she moves herself until her nipples graze against mine.  She’s hardly touched me, but I know that I’m swimming in wetness for her.  She hovers there enjoying staring into my eyes as she holds my legs open with her hips and teases my nipples with her own.  
  
Callie shifts back on her knees lowering her mouth to torture first one nipple and then the other.  I buck into her—feeling the pressure of her hips between my thighs—and push my breasts up toward her putting myself on a platter.  I roll my head back into the sheet below me.  Callie sits back on her ankles gazing at me.  “I’ll miss that.”  She says wickedly not touching me for long seconds.  Then I feel her thumb on my clit and her fingers in my curls above.  She sucks two fingers into her mouth as I did before her.  Callie holds eye contact with me as she lowers those tantalizing fingers to my sex.  
  
“I’ll miss knowing how wet you get for me.”  Callie circles my clit with sure strokes.  She sets a heartbreakingly slow pace.  I know if I rush to meet her touch with too much enthusiasm, then she will only make me wait longer.  “I’ll miss feeling you around me.  I’ll miss you.”  Callie lowers her eyes to watch herself on me and I close my eyes sucking in ragged breaths of air.  She continues to ramp up my desire with her motions, bringing me ever closer to my peak without quite letting me arrive.  Callie is claiming me and I know it.  I can feel my orgasm building.  She can too.  “Erica.  Let it go.  Baby.”  
  
“Callie!”  I shout clamping my legs hard around her.  She presses against me as I cross my ankles around her and shake for long moments until I can breathe.  Reluctantly I release my legs around Callie.  She shushes me and runs her hands up and down my legs, then over my stomach and up to my breasts.  It is not light gentle touches that cause shivers.  Instead it is firm warm caresses.  “Come here.”  I finally look at her through hooded eyes.  I want to hold her in my arms.    
  
Callie mischievously shakes her head backing away from me on the bed and props herself on her elbow breathing on my sex.  Her hands go on either inside thigh to hold me open.  Before I can resist, she slides her tongue up my folds and swirls my clit.  I grab for the headboard just as she did.  Callie finds a slow and steady rhythm to drive me insane and wraps one arm up and around my leg so that she can hold me open.  I close my legs on her head and briefly hope that I won’t hurt her.  When she quickens her pace, I lose all conscious thought and hold on.  “Callie!”  I shout over and over.  
  
***  
  
“Hello.  Hello.  Erica?”  
  
“I’m here, Cal.”  I sigh.  “Miss me much?”  Callie missing me is music to my ears, but two messages and a fresh call before I can even get my luggage is a little clingy.  
  
I can hear the pout in Callie’s voice.  “I just want to make sure you got there okay.  I’m clingy.  I know.  I just can’t help myself.”  
  
“Callie.  I know.  It’s okay.  But we’re going to do this.  I’m just a little tired.  Someone didn’t let me sleep and woke me up early like it was Christmas morning, you know?”  
  
“The nerve, right?  Some people.”  Callie makes a dismissive noise.  “Clingy.  Sheesh.”  
  
I smile.  “Okay.  That’s my Callie back.  Are you okay now?”  
  
“Is Addison picking you up?”  
  
“Of course.  You’ve probably talked to her three times already.  You know the schedule, honey.”  I chuckle.  Sometimes Callie is so silly, but she is always my Callie.  
  
“Are you sick of me?”  
  
“Not yet.”  Callie makes a sound of pain.  “I love you.  You’re my, uh, corazon?”  
  
Callie giggles now.  “Awww.  I am. Mi corazon es el suyo.”  
  
“Mi corazon es el suyo.”  I say uncertainly.  
  
Callie giggles.  I’m not sure what I mispronounce, but she always giggles at me.  “Almost.”  I groan into the phone.  “Okay.  I know you have to go.  Luggage.  Addison.  California beaches.  But that’s it, okay?  You’re my heart, you know.”  
  
“Ok.  I’ll call you tonight, Cal.”  
  
***  
  
“You’re staying with an OWC Freak?”  The `k’ sound on freak is extra harsh in her southern accent, but the straight-forward strong attitude makes me smile.  No-nonsense and no holding back is what I came to St. Ambrose for and trusted Dr. Charlotte King to deliver.  So far my assessment that Chief King would not tolerate ass-hattery has held true.  
  
I throw it back at the tiny tyrant.  “Hey.  That Freak is how I got to work here with you.”  It would be nice if the people that I knew in Los Angeles could at least get along.  It’s not impossible to make a life with just one friend at a time, but I now know that a fuller life could be had if you had friends—particularly friends that actually got along.  
  
Dr. King fixes her eyes on me sizing me up.  She concedes, “I guess there’s one thing those freaks did right.”  
  
“What’s up with hating them?”  
  
“Oh.  They’re little fish.  They keep coming over here using my hospital.  Sometimes I need records on a patient and they try to keep them.  Turf warfare, I guess.”  
  
“I thought you got along with Addison?”  
  
“Is that your buddy?  When Addison is thinking like a surgeon, she’s A-Okay.  When she’s in holistic-hold-your-hand-heaven over there at Oceanside Wellness Clinic…  that’s another story all together.”  Dr. King rolls her eyes and shakes her head in disappointment.  
  
***  
  
“Stealing my OR again, Montgomery?”  I imagine that this hospital hallway is a dirt road down the middle of a wild-west town.  Addison is on one side with her six shooters slung low on her hips over her pencil skirt and four-inch heels.  Dr. King is on the other side with a long duster coat and her hand tucked into the pocket.  Cradled in her arm is a Winchester Rifle hanging idly for now.  Completing the scene in my head a tumbleweed blows by on the breeze and a saloon door instead of an on-call room door swings in the afternoon glare.  
  
Addison smirks at the chief.  They’ve done this before.  “Good to see you too, Dr. King.”  
  
“When you’re done, find me.  I have a case for you.”  Dr. King turns on the spot taking her Winchester, accent, and the fight with her.  
  
I turn in disbelief to Addison.  “What was that?”  
  
Addison shrugs.  “That was her good side.”  Addie tries to stifle a giggle as she watches Dr. King stride down the hall.  
  
“If you’re Satan and I’m Attila, then what do they call her?”  
  
“I’m sure I don’t want to know.  And that’s  ** _Mc_**  Satan, by the way.”  We both giggle and head toward the OR.  I’m glad to have a familiar face here.  It’s nice to have a fresh start with new people, and no personal hang-ups.  However, I’ve realized that it is kind of lonely to not know a single person or a single personal detail all day every day.  I’ll be really glad when Callie gets here and I have a familiar eye to meet mine, even when nothing is said.  
  
“If you have time after your surgery, let’s have lunch.”  I offer.  
  
“Sure thing.  I’m glad you’re here, Erica.”  I leave Addison at the scrub room door.  I head off to do rounds.  There should be some excitement to be found somewhere on the surgical floor.  
  
***  
  
“Now and Laters?  Seriously, Erica?!”  
  
Her words are scolding, but I can tell she’s smiling.  Mark gave her the candies today.  I smile thinking of why I picked them for her in the first place.  Callie was flirting with me when we were packing and I told her `later’ and she said that she’d prefer `now’.  I can’t help but think of how flirty she was, which leads me to think of the `later’ when she found my sexy outfit and I danced for her.  “Yes.  Seriously.  You’re sweet.”  
  
“Oh my God.  Where did you put my Ice Queen?  Who is this pink ruffle-y pile of mush that I’m talking to?”  
  
“Awww.  Now that’s just mean.  No bedtime story for you.”  
  
“What?  What, Erica?”  
  
“Pinky ruffle-y person?  And I sent you a present via my arch-enemy  ** _SLOAN_**.”  I put as much venom as I can into his name, but I really don’t have any left.  He helped us to not be stupid.  He helped me research orthopedic programs.  He has been a good friend to Callie, even if he was horribly misguided in his efforts.  
  
“Oh.  I take it back.”  Callie sighs.  “You’re not a pink ruffle-y person.  You’re my kick-ass cardio goddess.  The love of my life.”  
  
“Is that what Cristina calls me?”  
  
“Ouch.  Touche.  I’m so telling her you said that.”  
  
“Maybe we should stop now, before someone gets hurt.  Truce?”  
  
“Hmmmm.  Do I get a bedtime story?”  
  
“Yes.  I guess so.”  
  
“How are you?  Do you like it?”  
  
 “I think this hospital is a great place.  The equipment is state of the art and everyone is still either on good behavior or just much more professional here.”  
  
“That’s great.  How’s Addison?”  
  
“She’s with SWAT boy still.  I don’t get it.”  
  
“I know.  I can’t decide if she really likes him or not.”  
  
“Hey did you know that you got us into some kind of turf warfare down here?”  
  
“No?  What do you mean?”  
  
“Dr. King thinks that Oceanside Wellness Center is a giant pain in her ass because they are little fish messing up her big pond.”  
  
“Wait.  What?  Did she say that?”  
  
“Yeah.  She calls them OWC, so you know what she’s talking about.  She calls them OWC Freaks.  Addison included. She said that Addison is okay when she’s a surgeon, but when she’s in `holistic-hold-your-hand-heaven’ then she’s just a disappointment.”  
  
“Oh, that’s just awful.  I don’t know why, but I thought they’d get along.”  
  
“I know.  McSatan and…  What should we call her?   ** _Killer King_**? Yeah, I thought that McSatan and Killer King would be friends even.  But no, ma’am.  I thought I was in between two wild west gunfighters today in the hall.  Addison was there to do a surgery and Dr. King called her out about it.  Addison took it with a smile.  I don’t get it.”  
  
“I hope that it all works out.  I mean we are friends with Addison and work for Dr. King.”  Callie yawns.  She works long hours to get things finished and avoid going home.  I tell her not to do it, but she is not listening.  
  
“You want that bedtime story? Or should I just let you go?”  She murmurs yes, so I begin.  
  
***  
  
“I wouldn’t have taken you for the jewelry type, Dr. Hahn.”  Why does sharing a scrub room invite these miniature conversations?  You’re in a small space, often just two people, for a finite period of time—and yet, some of the most critical conversations happen here.  
  
“What?”  I turn to her, still harsh and abrasive from dealing with an intern who couldn’t hold a retractor steady and had to be replaced by a scrub nurse.  She went home ill from the sight of her first heart.  I won’t place high odds on her success even without my biting criticism.  
  
“You play with that damn necklace every chance you get.”  
  
“I do?”  I look down.  I realize that I would have reached up but hadn’t finished scrubbing out yet.  Dr. King stands sideways along the sink taking me in.  I’m pretty sure that my ears are slightly red.  
  
“You do.”  Dr. King says in a haughty little accent that I’m beginning to like.  I thought that Addison was Satan, but Dr. King, she would give Addison a real run for her money.  It’s a shame that Addison doesn’t work here.  “So, you move here for the boyfriend?  Found a new one?  Or leave him behind?”  She crosses her arms—clearly waiting for an answer.  
  
“Uh.  Do I have to answer that?”  
  
“Eventually.  So just answer now.”  
  
I clamp my jaw shut and dry my hands.  On the one hand, I want to just say the facts.  On the other hand, I don’t know about Callie.  This is new territory, a new hospital, and new rules.  I try to stare her down, but she studied under the same Jedi-Master that I did and there’s nothing for it.  I briefly wonder if her surgery will need to start before I have to answer.  I breathe deep deciding.  I know that she will not let this go.  Rip the band-aid off, right?  
  
I clear my throat, my hand going to my pendant, mi corazon, “The orthopedic attending that starts in three weeks.”  I bite my lips together.  Will that satisfy her for now?  There are over two hundred doctors here at St Ambrose.  How many are starting in three weeks?  How many of them are orthopedic?  How many minutes, hours, or days did I buy Callie and I?  I’d at least like to tell her that the cat is being searched for, before it is totally out of the bag.  Chief King mentally does a quick tally.  Apparently, there weren’t very many orthopedic attendings starting in three weeks and apparently Dr. King has memorized them.  Her jaw drops.  
  
“Dr. Calliope Torres, Orthopedic Attending?”  She says looking at me with respect.  Her look indicates something cool, like if I’d shown her a scar or tattoo or picture of my motorcycle.  I have none of those things but based on Dr. King’s expression—I have something better— ** _Dr. Calliope Torres, Orthopedic Attending_**.   Hmmm.  I think I really like Dr. King.  
  
I take my scrub cap off for something to mess with and smile at her.  “Yes.”  
  
“Well.  Hot damn.  Welcome to Los Angeles, Dr. Hahn.”  She turns to the scrub sink to begin.  Our conversation is over.  I walk out and then down the hall.  
  
***  
  
“Callie?  It’s me.  Everything is fine.  Give me a call when you have a chance.  I’m clear all afternoon.  They haven’t booked me up yet.”  I did not want to leave that message on Callie’s phone this afternoon, but I felt the need to relay my conversation with our new Chief to her.  
  
I flip the phone back and forth from one hand to the other then I dial again.  “Addison?”  I smile.  I’m so glad that she has time to answer her phone.  “I need your advice.  No, no.  Everything is all right.  It’s Dr. King.  No.  She’s fine.  I know she calls you freaks.  Well, she said you were a fine surgeon.”  That wasn’t lying, was it?  “She, uh, cornered me about my boyfriend and my necklace.”  I cringe hearing Addison gasp.  “Yes.  I told her.  You’ve seen her.  She’s determined.  She wasn’t going to let it go, especially if I tried to avoid it.  That would have been blood in the water.  I tried to be vague.  She knows everything.  I said the Ortho Attending that starts in three weeks.  I know, right.  She totally called Callie out by name.  The woman’s faculties are certainly not in question.”  Addison laughs and mutters something under her breath.  “Will Callie be okay?”  
  
I feel warm and know that I’ve turned a little red from worry.  “We were out at Seattle Grace, but that was over a longer period of time.  Callie hasn’t even started yet.  Okay.  If you talk to her before I do, let me know or something.  Thanks.  Bye, Addison.”  I hang up feeling slightly better.  Addison’s point that we were out at SGH seems a good reason to not back away from it now.  
  
Callie wants to marry me.  That is a sign, right?  You want forever with someone.  Eventually you want to be known, right?  Callie came a long way.  She even called Addison to tell her about the engagement.  And she called her parents and told them she was moving to Los Angeles with me.  She didn’t specify what `with me’ meant, but she at least told them she was changing cities and doing that `with me’.  I’ve promised myself to wait and see on this issue.  I have no idea how to handle this with parents.  I am glad not to have that worry, but at the same time it would have been nice for them to see me finally have it all—a top cardio surgeon in Los Angeles and engaged to the absolute love of my life.  
  
***  
  
“Get someone in here that speaks Spanish!”  I’m a little gruff.  I’m Attila.  Old habits die hard.  This girl is in cardiac distress, but I can’t find out anything because all the family has to give is hysterical Spanish.  The intern runs from the room.  
  
A sharp voice cuts in.  “¿Quién son los padres?”  Spanish with a southern lilt and blond hair—will wonders never cease?  “¿Qué le sucedió? ¿Ella tiene problemas de salud?”  
  
The father addresses Dr. Charlotte King, Spanish Translator, who tells me, “They’ve taken her home from school three times because of fainting.  What do you think, Dr. Hahn?”  
  
“Let’s do an electrocardiogram.”  
  
The father steps toward the chief.  “La escuela nos dijo que conseguir la probada para estar embarazado, pero la tomó una prueba.  Ella no está embarazada.”  
  
Dr. King turns to me as I look up.  “Apparently the school seemed to think she was fainting because she was pregnant.  The family had her tested and she’s not.”  
  
“Let’s do a blood test to be sure.  And screen for everything else.”  
  
“I’ll send Dr. Benitez over to work this case with you.  He’ll translate and run the tests.”  
  
“Thanks.”  
  
“Estoy enviando sobre otro doctor para funcionar con algunas pruebas. Imaginaremos cuál es incorrecto con su niña.”  Dr. King places her hand on the father’s shoulder before passing by him and out the door.  I have no idea what she says to him, but he looks relieved.  I begin to prepare the girl for transport and the tests.  
  
***  
  
The distance between the front doors and the car is a lonely stretch of ground at the end of a hard day.  I am glad not to be walking alone.  Dr. Charlotte King may not have been my first choice of companion, but I think she is a kindred spirit.  “How was your day, Dr. Hahn?”  
  
“Oh, fine.  I think I’ll take a Spanish class though.  Does that happen often?”  I’m also thinking that being with Callie, maybe Spanish will come in handy.  
  
“Usually the family has a spokesperson.  It renders you powerless.  It’s a crazy situation to be in.  You can’t diagnose the patient, get a history, or even find out the symptoms.”  
  
“I didn’t know whether to shoot her full of drugs or wheel her into an OR.”  
  
“Final diagnosis?”  
  
“Congenital Long QT syndrome.  She had 3 fainting spells before today.”  
  
“She’s lucky to be alive.”  Dr. King looks down at her feet.  “Five years ago, a boy dropped dead on the field at school.  There was no warning and no saving him.”  
  
“When the first symptom is cardiac arrest there’s nothing to do.  No warning.  No closure.  It is especially tragic in a young child.  At least this one knows now and we can treat her.  I’ll talk to the family tomorrow with Dr. Benitez’ help.”  
  
“I’m sorry I interrupted today.  You seemed frustrated with all the hysterical Spanish.”  
  
“No, that was amazing actually.  When did you learn Spanish?”  
  
Dr. King shrugs.  “College.  A semester abroad in Costa Rica really sealed the deal.”  
  
“You went to Costa Rica?  I always wanted to study abroad.”  
  
“You were too busy, right?”  She challenges me with a smile.  
  
“Of course.”  I admit sheepishly.  
  
***  
  
“Hey, baby.  Thank you for the flowers!  I was the envy of everyone in the hospital today.  Even Shepherd and Bailey were oogling my roses!  Mark congratulated me at lunch.  He said he was glad that you stepped up your game.”  
  
“He did, huh?  He was jealous that I was sweet and romantic.”  I smile imagining Mark feeling a little outplayed as he stares at Callie and her roses.  “How was your day?”  
  
“Well, I had lunch with the hockey moms today.  Kevin came in for physical therapy on his knee and they invited me out.  I wish you had been able to meet them.  They wanted to know all about you.”  
  
“Me?  Why?”  
  
“Well, I had to tell them that I’ll be leaving soon and that Dr. Rucker will take over their son’s case.  They asked me why.  I tried to be vague, but they were persistent.  My lame answers probably were so vague that they said everything I was trying to hide.”  
  
“Was that okay, Cal?”  
  
“Yeah.  It was better than okay.  I felt really good telling them.  I look up to them like examples of how to be, you know? They’re so good as a family.  I want to be like them.”  
  
“That’s great, Cal.  You’re really feeling comfortable in your skin these days.  I’m glad that wasn’t nerve-racking.  I about had a panic attack when Dr. King cornered me that day.”  
  
“I know.  Has she said anything else?”  
  
“About that?  No.  In fact, she seemed more than cool.  Makes me wonder, actually.”  
  
“Hmmm.  Well, I’m glad that she hasn’t said anything more to you about it.  I’m kinda nervous for when I start there.”  
  
“Yeah.  I was pretty nervous today.  I thought I was going to lose a little girl because I didn’t speak Spanish.  I think you really need to teach me some more, you know?”  
  
“Is that the kind of request I think it is, mi corazon?”  
  
“Well, it’s that too.  But seriously I almost lost this little girl today…”  
  
***  
  
“You are a machine, Erica.”  Dr. King looks me over appreciatively.  “A lot of surgeons balk under that much trauma.”  
  
“Thank you, Dr. King.  I’ve seen a few heavy traumas.  You just can’t afford to have people rattled.  You fall back on the basics, triage and treat.  I’m a little shaky now that it is all over.”  I hold out my hand and there is a slight tremor to it from fatigue and stress.  
  
“Please, Erica.  After today and working so closely with you?  It’s Charlotte.”  
  
“Okay.  At least we can get out of here now.”  
  
“I’m starving.  Eat with me?”  I nod at her.  I think I just made a new friend.  
  
Charlotte King’s house is literally on the edge of Santa Monica and Los Angeles.  From her front yard you can see the city limit sign on the sidewalk.  It really feels like the meeting of two different worlds.  Heading one direction we walk into Los Angeles to a cozy Mexican restaurant.  I am pleasantly surprised when I notice that there is a small group of people actually making tortillas off to the side.  I have never seen such a thing and am slightly awed.  As soon as the waiter recognizes Charlotte he seats us and brings beer, chips, and salsa.  I am further awed when Charlotte interviews me about Mexican food—my likes and dislikes.  She is so focused on me that I forget there aren’t menus.  Our conversation turns to the traumas of the day and I relax a little into my chair.  Before we get too deep into discussion the waiter returns.  
  
He talks to Charlotte for a while.  I pick up words like `caliente’, `verde’, and `chile’ indicating the conversation is about food.  I look around for a menu but he leaves.  I look to Charlotte shocked.  She smiles at me her eyes twinkling.  “No worries.  I’ve got you covered.”  Her steady gaze and confidence settle me.  I stop looking around as realization hits me.  She ordered for us.  I am her companion.  My job is to engage and entertain.  It is an odd sensation:  to be taken care of and simply relax.  Now what?  I really am bad at small talk.  I take a sip of my beer.  I’ve never really thought about drinking beer, but it seems to be what goes with chips and salsa.  I realize her blue eyes are watching me.  
  
“Does the Metrolink crash often?”  Work.  I can always rely on work.  It is a clear subject.  There’s never a shortage of topics.  It’s the kind of small talk I can handle.  Besides, it has a purpose in helping inform my work, and that is always valuable communication.  Even if it is in a cozy restaurant, with beer, and Charlotte’s blue eyes and special southern twang in between smooth words and a smile.  
  
“No.  There’ve only been two major accidents in the 17 years it’s been in operation.  In 2005 some asshat started to commit suicide by parking his SUV on the track.  One train hit the SUV and de-railed into an on-coming train.”  
  
“ ** _STARTED_**  to commit suicide?”  
  
“He changed his mind—got out of the car.”  Charlotte lets out a sharp laugh at my look of disbelief.  “That’s why I called him an asshat.”  
  
“He changed his mind and caused an accident like the one we dealt with?”  
  
“Pretty much.  A few months ago, a freight train and a commuter train collided.  One of them ran a red light.  I haven’t heard much about that one.  Still investigating, I guess.”  
  
“But in 17 years those are the only two you remember?”  
  
“Yeah.  I’m sure there have been smaller incidents, but those two were splashed all over the news for several days.  Hospitals treating them had to deal with traumas, hysterical families, news crews, and police investigators.”  
  
“Did we have that?  
  
“We kept them off the surgical floor.  When I left you, I was out front with our media spokesperson coordinating with families, police, and media.  It was a long couple of days.”  
  
“Suddenly I’m tired.”  I say jokingly, but honestly.  
  
“I know.  We’ll eat and crash.  Oh, here’s the food.”  
  
***  
  
I wake up.  My phone is ringing and I can’t for the life of me figure out where the hell I am.  Not Addison’s, not Callie’s, and not my house, I shake my head which hurts.  My stomach is tight as I wake up instantly stressed out.  My phone is on the floor near my clothes.  I hit the green button to answer too late.  Confused I look at it and shake it.  I look at the screen again.  There are four missed calls:  3 from Callie and 1 from Addison.  I look around this room in wonder.  When was the last time I talked to either of them?  
  
Margaritas pack quite the punch.  I sit on the bed roughly and close my eyes.  I’m in an oversized t-shirt—not mine.  I don’t remember changing clothes. I don’t remember where I am.    
  
I do remember that I was out with Charlotte.  I remember that she is Charlotte, not Dr. King.  I remember I hadn’t slept in two full days with the Metrolink crash.  I remember I called Callie in between the first two surgeries to let her know the situation.  I remember laughing as Charlotte and I walked  ** _HOME_**.  
  
I jump up inspecting the bed.  I’m alone.  The covers are a mess.  I feel the sheets.  The other side of the bed is cool to the touch.  I’m not sure I should be relieved yet.  The scientific part of my brain is still stomping its feet about the fatigue and alcohol.  It hasn’t decided to help me analyze the situation.  
  
I missed three phone calls from Callie.  I missed one from Addison.  I haven’t spoken to either of them in two days.  I feel nauseous.  What time is it?  Make that three days.  
  
Charlotte appears in the doorway.  She is dressed in a similar oversized t-shirt and she looks the mess that I feel.  I feel very, very nauseous.  
  
Charlotte strides into the room and sits next to me on the bed.  She smoothes my hair and I close my eyes.  I tell myself not to be sick.  She puts her hand on my thigh close to the knee, but my stomach still flips.  I swallow hard, my eyes still closed.  “Hey.”  She says in a question. “Are you okay?”  There’s the southern twang again.  
  
I shake my head.  If I don’t talk to her maybe this won’t be real.  If no words are passed between us and I stay locked behind the dark safety of my eyelids—then this won’t be real.  And if it is real?  It sucks even more because I want Callie and I don’t even remember whatever happened.  
  
Silence.  I sense her facing me and examining me as a doctor or?  I shake to think of it.  I don’t even know where the bathroom is if I need to get sick.  She squints her eyes at me.  “Addison called me.  You haven’t answered your phone.”  
  
“What?!”  I gasp out, clapping my hand over my mouth.  
  
Charlotte looks at me like I’m stupid.  “Your girlfriend, Callie?  She’s been calling her.  Addison didn’t know who else to call.” I cringe as Charlotte says Callie’s name.  
  
“Is she?  What did she?  What did you tell her?”  I can’t believe the gibberish falling out of my mouth.  I feel like I’ve woken up in another country or something.  Maybe on another planet?  
  
“Relax.  She knew that you were dealing with horrible traumas. She’s glad that you had someone to talk to after all of that.  She was concerned.  But I think you’d better call that girlfriend of yours and tell her something.”  I close my eyes again.  Tell her something.  Yeah, what? I don’t know what happened and I don’t know what to tell her.  “Good morning.  By the way.”    
  
Charlotte pats my thigh before standing up and stretching.  I grab her wrist.  She turns, shocked, and her blue eyes lock on mine.  “Charlotte.  How did I get here?”  I motion to the room, my attire and my pile of clothes.  
  
Charlotte’s eyes track over my face.  A slow smile creeps across her features.  I let my hand fall from her wrist.  “You haven’t had margaritas before, have you?”  Charlotte smirks.  I shake my head.  “Well, you had three and you were pretty happy.”  
  
I groan.  Holding my fingers over my mouth to trap in the nausea again.  I want to close my eyes, but I’m afraid.  I need to see if Charlotte gives me the death sentence.  Charlotte continues—a tone of amusement creeping into her southern twang.  Today.  It is not charming or intriguing.  Today it is an ice pick to my heart.  “I think the LA Lemonade is what did you in.”    
  
She tilts her head at me trying to discover the source of my continued disequilibrium.  My hand instinctively moves to my necklace to worry with it.  “Relax, Erica.  You were a happy little drunk telling me all things Callie.  You asked me to teach you Spanish, you nerd.”  Charlotte has her hands akimbo.  She fixes me with an amused glare and sets me straight.  “You got in here on your own power.  I threw you a shirt and slammed the door.  Don’t you worry your pretty little head about honor or betrayal.”   
  
***  
  
I put on the same clothes and drive back to Addison’s.  This might be like going home after being at a party and you know that your parents know what you were up to, but you still have to come home.  Juvenile drinking is so stupid.  Juvenile drinking at 41 is even more stupid.  And Addison isn’t my mother—she’s more like the over-protective sister-in-law that I need to explain myself to.  I slam the car door.  I wince as I stand there for a moment in Addison’s driveway.  She comes out to her front steps crossing her arms across her chest.  I can’t see, but I think she’s tapping her toe.  
  
“Did you try to go drink for drink with Charlotte King?”  
  
“I didn’t  ** _TRY_**  anything.  But I shouldn’t drink beer, margaritas and…  LA Lemonade.”  I close my eyes hard.  “Sorry, I didn’t hear the phone.  Apparently, I sleep like the dead.”  
  
As I approach her, she gives me the eyebrow scolding.  Face to face with her, she sniffs the air crinkling her nose.  I must be leaking alcohol from my pores.  I wanted to shower, but didn’t see the point if I had to put the same clothes on, and I wanted to get back to Addison so I could call Callie sooner than later.   Addison grumbles.  She actually reaches out a hand to me and spins me around for inspection.  I blink suddenly more aware than I was only moments before.  What kind of greeting is this?  I am outraged at how Addison is treating me.  “Why didn’t you call Callie?”  
  
“What?!”  
  
“She’s freaking, Erica.  She called you then me.  I had to call Charlotte  ** _Freaking_**  King!”  
  
“I’m sorry.”  
  
“You need to tell that to Callie.  She’s making herself sick.  I told her I found you.  She didn’t like that you ended up at another woman’s house.”  
  
I look at her stupidly trying to not comprehend.  “Listen.  I know you and Callie are two peas in a pod, but Callie doesn’t always see it.  Every bad relationship thing has happened to her, so she’s freaked.  This is the longest you’ve been apart and it’s getting to her.”  
  
“I can’t believe this!  Is that why you inspected me like a  ** _DOG_**  on your front porch?!”  I storm into the house leaving Addison behind.  
  
I strip down and step into the shower.  I should call Callie, but I can’t believe she’s freaking out about this.  She knows what major traumas are like.  She knows what the fatigue is like.  I’ve known her to sleep her entire day off and then come in complaining about the wasted day.  Even though everyone knows that sometimes it is just what you’ve got to do.  Part of me does think that I should call Callie instead of making her wait.  Part of me is pissed at her lack of trust and Addison’s willingness to play into it.  
  
***  
  
“Callie.  Hey.  It’s me.”  
  
“Oh.  Now you can call me back.  Addison said you got home an hour ago.”  Callie’s voice is coated in acid.  My head throbs under the weight this conversation holds.  
  
I take in a huge breath.  “Listen.  This is between you and I.  I’d prefer not to have Addison involved.  I know she is, but I need to focus on you.”  
  
“Damn straight you need to focus on me.  What the hell, Erica?”  
  
“Callie.  I know that you are upset and I get that.  I didn’t mean to not call for over two days.  But there were crazy traumas from the train accident and when it cleared out Charlotte asked me to grab some food with her.  I ended up drinking more than I should have and I crashed at her place.  Between the alcohol and the fatigue, I slept like the dead.  I didn’t mean to disappear and worry you.”  
  
Callie is crying.  I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know what to do during a freak out in person, but over the phone?  This is a disaster.  “Callie?  Honey?”  My voice cracks.  
  
“I’m mad at you.”  
  
“Okay.  I’m sorry.  I’m really bad at this.  I need your help to make it better, Callie.”  
  
Callie’s voice is thick with emotion.  “Since when do you make friends so easily?”  
  
My mouth drops.  “What?”  I stupidly ask.  
  
“She’s  ** _CHARLOTTE_**  now?  And you went out for drinks?  Crashed at her house?”  
  
“Uh.  Yeah.  I’ve been here for two weeks, Callie.  And I don’t know if you’ve noticed but working on two days’ worth of train accident traumas will bring you a little closer to someone.”  
  
“Whatever.  You never did that in Seattle.”  
  
“Callie.  I need to see you.  This is obviously not working on the phone.  I’ll take time off.  I’ll come up there.  I can’t do this, Cal.  You’re everything.”  I feel the tides rising to overtake me.  This can’t be happening.  
  
“I’m coming down there in two days.”  Callie says flatly.  I shiver at the coldness in her voice.  The coldness I feel seeping into my veins as this conversation drains me.  
  
“But.  I can’t do this for two days.  I’m sorry, Callie.  I need to see you.”  
  
“Did I mention that I’m mad?”  She says slowly, like I’m twelve.  I open and close my mouth a couple of times, but there are no words there.  I feel like a koi fish with my gaping mouth of nothingness.  “I gotta go.”  She says and it hits me in the stomach.  
  
“Callie. I love you.”  Callie clicks off the line.  I turn and hug the pillow lying there.  
  
***  
  
I don’t know how long I slept.  It is dark when I move again.  I wipe my mouth because it has been hanging open.  There’s a knock on the door and I turn to see Addison standing in the doorway.  “Finally.”  I stare at her.  My eyes burn but my head feels normal again.  “What happened?”  
  
I glare at her.  I want to be mad, but she was being a good friend to Callie.  I can’t be mad at her for that.  I want to be mad that she doesn’t work at St. Ambrose, because maybe she’d have gone out with us.  I want to be mad at somebody, but I’m the only one in the room.  “I don’t really know.”  I sit up still clothed in the pajamas that I put on after the shower.  
  
“It didn’t go well.”  Addison steps into the room and sits next to me on the bed.  
  
“Was she upset that I didn’t call, or that I was at someone’s house?”  
  
“I think both.  Erica.  She misses you something awful.  Then you go missing. But when you show up?  You were drinking with a new friend.  A new friend that Callie doesn’t know.  A new friend who is hot, blonde, tiny, and not her.”  
  
I crunch up my eyes in confusion.  “Listen.”  Addison continues.  “Callie was on shaky ground with George because of his friends.  He always chose them over her.”  I start to interrupt her.  “No, no. Listen.  He told Callie that Izzie Stevens was a stacked hot supermodel.  Then he told Callie that she was curvy.  He turned around and slept with Izzie Stevens—his  ** _FRIEND_**.”  
  
“What has that got to do with me? I am nothing like George.”  
  
“Erica this has very little to do with you, and everything to do with fear.  Callie can’t have the same mistakes in her life.  It’s terrifying.”  I quiz her with my eyes.  “You haven’t had friends for her to worry about before, am I right?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“So now you are apart for the longest time in your relationship and all of a sudden you have friends.  A friend.  A friend who is powerful and strong like you.  Dr. King may not be a hot stacked supermodel, but she’s not Callie.  And on the phone, all you can tell her is something like `Callie, you’re curvy’.”  
  
“But I said nothing of the kind!”  
  
“No, but it’s going to feel the same way in her head.  You disappeared on her with a new friend and that’s going to feel like you chose your friend over her.”  
  
I blanch.  I’m not sure how I could get any paler, but I’m sure that I’m translucent at this point.  “I need to go up there.”  
  
“No.  Erica.  Callie needs time.  In two days, you can show her that it is all right.”  
  
“How do I wait two days?”  
  
“You just do.  Besides.  I’m on your side.”  I give her a dirty look.  Addie grins.  “I’m on Callie’s side first, yes.  But I declared you innocent with my own eyes and ears.  I’m also on your side.  I talked to her after she hung up on you.  I let her know that you were devastated.  She’s confused and defensive, right now.”  
  
“I wish I had your certainty.”  
  
Addison taps her temple with her finger, “Addie knows all.  I saw you two together before either of you did.”  She smiles and offers me a hug.  I let her comfort me a moment.    
  
I sigh deeply.  I certainly hope Addie does `know all’.

 

…


	9. Time Out

_**Becoming Okay—Part 9**_  
  
     What would you do if you had a firecracker duct taped to your hand?  Yes, it’s already lit.  Yes, someone else did it to you.  Yes, you will have the most wonderful life ever if you can just do this one thing.  Would you freak out and run while ripping at the tape?  Would you bravely stand still holding until the last minute like you were told to?  Would you cry but be brave?  Would you ever in a million years actually catch a tiger by its tail?  
  
     An angry Callie is mid-flight coming into LAX.  I am nearly scrubbing into an emergency surgery.  I have waited in anticipation for Callie’s arrival.  I have longed for the tiger to visit, to hold the firecracker in my hand and to see what will come of it.  It is guaranteed that if I can hold on and just do this one thing, then I will have the most wonderful life I could ever dream up.  Callie and I share a love that is boundless, if we can just stop tripping and hang on for the ride.  
  
     Callie’s in the air, but I am in the turbulence.  “Addison.”  
  
     “This is.”  Addison pauses and then asks uncertainly, “Erica?”  
  
     In a panicked rush I blurt out my reason for calling.  “I have an emergency surgery in ten minutes.”  I’m supposed to pick an ANGRY Callie up at the airport and I won’t be able to.  
  
     “This is so not the time, Erica.”  I can hear the anger in her tone.  She has to pick up an angry Callie instead of me and she has to be the angry friend and I know that it sucks, but we both know emergency surgery is just that.  We also both know that there is no arguing.  And I’m beginning to wonder if in love that will matter at all.  
  
     Flatly I state my case, knowing that I’m tied to a sinking ship.  I have to focus on the surgery rolling into the ER.  I have to do my best for this man.  “The chairman of the board went into cardiac arrest at his anniversary dinner.”  
  
     “Erica.”  
  
     “I’m the head of cardiothoracics and this is the chairman of the board.”  
  
     “I do not envy you then.”  Anger and pity in the same breath hit like so many punches.  
  
     I sigh sadly.  “No.  I do not envy me.”  
  
     “Right.  Flight 1220 arriving in…  oh, that’s right, an hour.”  
  
     “Please Addison.”  There’s silence.  “We’re in OR 3 with the observation deck.”  
  
     “I’m not bringing her to the hospital.”  
  
     “I don’t know what else to do.”  The sound of my pager and my name over the loudspeaker finishes my sentence.  There’s nothing I CAN do.  I have to get to the OR post haste.  Addison grumbles, but she also knows there’s no other choice.  
  
     “I don’t know if I can help you, though.”  
  
     “I.  Uh.  Apparently, I can’t help myself either.  I have to go, Addison.  Take care of my girl, please.”  It’s desperate.  I can hear it in my voice.    
  
     “Bye.”  Addison clicks off the line and I shudder.  Sometimes I wish I had a job that ended when the clock hit a certain time.  Only then I guess life would be predictable and I would have nothing to fight against all the time.  If life were orderly, I wouldn’t have to restore order and impose my will on the chaos.  I just wish life didn’t remind me who was boss right now—not tonight with an angry Callie mid-flight and no way to call her and no way out of the OR.  
  
***  
  
     Addison and Callie rush out to greet me once my headlights pull into the driveway.  I cringe knowing this will not go well.  They must have been waiting for my arrival and from their eager presence on the front steps, I know that Callie must have accepted the fact that I had an emergency surgery.  Despite not having really talked since what I guess I have to call our argument two days ago, Callie was looking forward to seeing me.  
  
     Callie gets halfway to the car before I get out and then she freezes.  I shut my door and rush forward to her, but I freeze as well.  Time slows down and my senses thrust into overdrive.  I hear Addison gasp.  The passenger door opens with a sniffle.  I lock my eyes on Callie who is staring at the car.  I step forward once.  Callie’s eyes snap to mine catching the movement out of the corner of her eye.  And then, time snaps into a rush.  
  
     “Erica?”  Callie cries out in the lowest hint of a whisper I can imagine.  Her eyes flood with tears as she spins and rushes out of sight.  My hand goes to my pendant and my heart falls through my chest.  I look up to Addison who is staring at me in utter disbelief.  My face crumples as I hold the pendant and beseech her with my eyes.  I turn to my passenger as she slams the door.  
  
     “Go on.  Get her.”  The southern twang has lost its spark.  The tears have drowned the dragon within the tiny tyrant and all that remains is the small blonde shell of Dr. Charlotte King leaning her back against the car.  She swallows hard fighting back the sobs that have racked her body for the last 45 minutes.  “Go.  I’m fine.”  Charlotte summons all the sternness she can muster and nods.  
  
     I turn to go up the steps and follow Callie.  Charlotte can handle a few moments alone for now.  Callie is too important.  I rush up the steps and halfway across the porch.  My eyes are on the door and I am certain that Callie is already up the stairs and in the bedroom.  Addison’s vice-like grip on my upper-arm boomerangs reality in a painful way.  Wincing I stop mid-stride.  “Erica.” Addison spits out in a whisper without looking at me.  
  
     “We lost him.  The chairman.  He was Charlotte’s godfather.  She doesn’t have anyone.”  I clench my jaw.  Seconds are ticking past and the universe is continuing, no, MY universe is continuing to spin out of control.  I stare Addison down.  Her eyes narrow to slits as she meets my gaze with her own steely blues.  The displeasure that she is sending me through the laser beams of her eyes is enough to kill, but it is nothing compared to the pain that shot through my chest when Callie’s hurt whisper hit me.  
  
     Addison nods and looks at Charlotte like there is a magical polka-dotted pony with a monkey on its back in her front yard.  I rush inside and up the stairs.  
  
***  
  
     Callie is on the bed in Addison’s room.  I do not want to trespass, but have no choice.  I feel like a gladiator entering the arena to certain death—if my opponent does not slay me, surely the lions will.  I close my eyes, taking a steadying breath.  Trembling fingertips hold my pendant and Callie’s words echo in my brain.  
    
 “I want be with you for life, Erica.  I want to be with you all the time.  We’ve marked each other, we’ve claimed each other, we’ve promised each other…  I want to promise you forever, Erica.”  
“Be my always, Erica, be my forever, please?  My heart is yours.”  
“Para siempre, para nunca, mi corazon es el suyo.”  
  
     We are meant to be together.  Addison saw it before us, but I cling to her vision now.  The vision of Callie distraught on the bed arrested my other senses as reality once again boomeranged around me.  Now I stifle my own sob in my throat as I hear hers and see her shoulders heaving as I watch the pain.  I approach uncertainly and hover for a moment before kneeling at the edge of the bed.  “Callie.”  I whisper before clenching my jaw over the wave of sadness about to burst forth.  
  
     Callie opens her eyes.  They are swollen and filled with tears.  She blinks looking at me and sucks in a ragged breath.  Her whimper rises from low in her abdomen and it shakes through her as she breathes again.  Once more Callie blinks at me, then she turns her back to me.  
  
     Callie.  I’m sorry.  Callie.  I had surgery.  I couldn’t come to you.  Callie.  I love you.  Callie.  Callie.  Please talk to me.  I’m so very sorry.  What can I do?  It’s…  She’s…  Callie the emergency surgery was on her godfather.  We lost him and she had no one else.  She was devastated.  Callie, please.  Look at me.  I didn’t have a choice.  Callie.  
  
     I lean forward choking on my confusion.  I reach for Callie, but she moves out of reach.  I sprawl partially on the bed burying my face in the comforter.  When my knees begin to ache, I lean back on my ankles and then collapse to the side sitting down.  My upper body is drawn back and I cover my face with my hands.  Time again stands still.  At first I hear our twin sobs, and then nothing.  I realize that I am taking shallow silent breaths in the hope that I will disappear based on my breathing alone.  That realization hits me just as I realize that I can’t hear Callie either.  Swallowing I sit up again and dare to look at Callie.  She is laying on her back with the pillow held tightly over her face.  The pain of knowing that I have hurt Callie is unbearable.  I feel like an intern on my first day who dropped an organ on the floor or some other colossally stupid mistake.  
  
     I am no ordinary intern, no, I am Erica Hahn.  I breathe in knowing that I need to attack this head on—get the infection out before it can spread, before it becomes fatal.  I hope I have not arrived too late to do any good.  
  
     Rising to sit on the bed, I feel like a phoenix up from the ashes.  I take Callie’s hand firmly and drag it to my lap.  She does not flinch and while it is not much, I take it as a sign of hope.  I sit on the bed next to Callie and she does not move the pillow from her face, but she doesn’t move away from me either.  After a few moments I decide to push my luck and lay down next to her.  She does not move from me and so I rest my arm across her stomach in a neutral fashion.  
  
     “Callie.”  
  
     Muffled under the pillow she says, “No.”  
  
     “Cal.  Please.”  
  
     This time it’s more of a grunt, but the message is clear.  “No.”  
  
     I pull the pillow gently and she does not resist.  I think that she has got to have been suffocating by now and would let me pull the pillow off regardless, but I still take it as a sign.  “Callie.  I can’t be sorry enough.  I know that.  And no amount of explaining can make it okay.  Not after the argument we had on the phone, and the distance that we’ve been living with, and the fact that I couldn’t even come get you at the airport.”  I kiss her upper arm and hear her gulp, but she doesn’t respond or get up and leave.  
  
     “I looked forward to seeing you this whole time.  I wanted to see you and make sure that we were all right.  Being apart is killing me, I hope you know that.”  I prop myself up on my elbow to look at her, but her eyes are closed and she’s trying to breathe.  Her make-up is a mess and another wave of sadness washes over me.  I lower my head and kiss her arm again.  I feel so lost, like it’s the only thing I can do.  I feel like I’m laying my kisses at her feet as a sign of loyalty or submission.  “I couldn’t come tonight because of the surgery.  I didn’t know it was Charlotte’s godfather until after.  Until I had to tell her and she completely lost it.”  
  
     “So you brought her here.”  Callie says flatly and an arrow pierces my heart.  
  
     “I wanted to get here to you, Callie.  And she has no one and no where to go.”  
  
     Silence.  “I’m sorry.”  Silence.  “Hey.  You’re the one that taught me to care.”  
  
     “That is so not funny.”  
  
     “No.  It’s not.  But it is true.”  
  
     “I hate you.”  
  
     “I know and I am pitifully sorry and trying to make you not hate me anymore.  It was the first thought on my mind when I woke up 17 hours ago and knew you were flying in today.  I couldn’t wait to come and pick you up at the airport.”  
  
     “I’m still mad at you.”  
  
     “Okay.  Do you still hate me too?  Or have we dropped down into just mad again?”  I stop because Callie is glaring at me, but then she smiles despite herself and covers her face with her hands.  “I’m still learning how to do all this, you know.  I don’t know how to argue, I’ve never really had anyone to argue with.”  I shrug as she looks at me.  
  
     Sternly Callie tells me.  “Dr. Hahn.  Don’t you dare lie to me.”  Then it dawns on me.  
  
     “Well, I never had anyone to argue with that I cared about being in love with after.  I’m content to decimate people and I don’t care what happens to them after that.”  
  
     Callie stares at me thinking about it.  Apparently her Dr. Hahn montage shows the sad reality of my statement.  At work anyone who pissed me off had better run or prepare to have their ass handed to them, but this friendship thing, this love thing, well that was a whole new arena.  Or as Callie referred to it—unexplored territory.  She starts to laugh and then it dissolves into fits of giggles and I really want to be angry that she is laughing directly at me and about me, but I’m not the remotest bit hurt and I begin to giggle too.  
  
     After a few minutes our giggles have subsided and we are both sitting up on Addison’s bed.  I take her hand in mine and look intently into her eyes.  “I know this weekend is not going to be easy.  I know that you are still mad.  Charlotte is outside or downstairs and I know that is not okay.  But I want to make a few promises clear right now so that maybe we can be all right anyway.  I promise to always choose you first.  I promise to love you for the rest of my life.  I promise I will make sure to call you.  And I promise to keep learning all of this, if you’ll let me.”  
  
     “That’s much better.”  Callie sniffs as she stares into my teary blue eyes.  She leans her forehead into mine.    I break the contact enough that I can turn and wrap my arms around her from the side.  Callie sighs and leans into me.  I kiss her temple and her hair.  After a few minutes, she says, “Well.  We can’t stay in Addison’s bed all night.”  She pulls away from me, but stares into my eyes.  When she leans in I lean in too and neither of us close our eyes until we touch our lips together.  It is a sweet kiss that promises we will be all right, as soon as the kinks can be worked out of the system.  
  
     Addison is in the kitchen when we come downstairs.  “You two all right?”  
  
     Holding Callie’s hand, I look from Addison to her.  “We will be.”  
  
     “I figured that didn’t hear any shouting or anything…”  
  
     Callie shrugs her arms to Addison.  “Yeah.  I didn’t know where else to go Addison.”  
  
     “Hey.  It’s no big deal.  I was a little busy anyway.”  Addison glares at me.  I did leave her with the drowned dragon that is the tiny tyrant, Charlotte King.  
  
     It’s my turn to apologize now.  “Double sorry.”  I look at Callie and then Addison.  “Uh.  What did you do with her?”  
  
     “Couch and vicodin.  She wanted tequila, but I thought vicodin was more humane.”  
  
     “Oh.”  
  
     “You’re right.  She was really close to her godfather.  I had no idea that she could care about anyone.  I don’t even think it was the drugs talking either.  I think they helped her to open up, but what came out was really her.  I feel bad for her.”  Callie gives Addison a dirty look.  “What?  I do.  I mean at least when I was distraught I always had someone to call.  When Derek left after Mark, I had my family and my friends.  When Derek chose Meredith I had you, the chief, and Mark, and well.  I’m better now.  But she has no one.”  
  
     “I’m going to bed now.”  Callie announces.  She goes over to Addison and gives her a half hug and kiss on the cheek.  I shrug at her.  Callie pulls me along behind her.  Apparently I’m going to bed too.  I’m glad Callie’s bringing me.  
  
***  
  
     The house is quiet when we wake up, even though it’s going on eleven.  Callie and I brush our teeth and dress before tiptoeing downstairs.  A blanket is folded on the couch where Charlotte must have slept.  Two coffee mugs sit in the sink in Addison’s otherwise spotless kitchen.  Still checking around, I peek into the garage and report to Callie that the roadster is gone.  We grab some fruit, yogurt, and a bagel to split and head out to the steps to the sand to sit and eat our breakfast.  
  
     The sun is bright, but not too hot.  The coast is amazing in it’s moderate temperatures.  I have been glad to shed the rain of Seattle among other things.  I just hope that the skin underneath all of this shedding is not too tender to touch.  The waves crash rhythmically along the beach and I could watch for hours as a swell crests all along my vision, only to be followed by a series of smaller broken swells that lightly crash behind it.  The ocean is amazing as it pounds forth giving a sense of constancy even when it is constantly changing.  The sand is always the sand, but at the water it is mushy and slides between your toes.  Farther up it is moist and sticks to your wet feet, even though you want to put on your shoes.  Almost to the step the sand is dry, you would have to dig a hole twenty feet down to see it fill with water again.  
  
     It is always the sand, but it is always different.  The waves are always the waves, but they have as many emotions and subtle differences as the human heart, voice, or eyes.  Callie and I pile up our breakfast trash and leave it on the patio table before stepping down into the sand and walking together hand in hand.  I can’t believe the turmoil that has entered out lives, but I am determined to make it right.  
  
     I stop and turn to look into Callie’s eyes.  I want my eyes to communicate my words into her soul.  “Callie, I’m sorry.”  
  
     Callie looks away—out over the stretch of sand and the waves collapsing to the shore.  She shakes her head trying not to let tears fall, but she sniffles all the same.  I squeeze her hand and she squeezes back.  I start walking again and she stays by my side.  I hold back a litany of things that jump to my mind.  I want to fill in the void between us.  I want to talk until she finds the words.  I want to rush.  In surgery you do not rush.  You assess, sometimes you wait, you coldly decide which option is next best for your purpose and then you proceed with nerves of steel toward your goal.  
  
     In love, apparently, I do not have a steady hand.  
  
     “I.  Uh.  I think a lot of things.  But Callie, I think that the distance is getting to us and things are changing so fast that we are falling prey to craziness.  I think we are better than this.”  I could only wait to say something for so long, and I am glad when Callie pulls me to a stop.  I breathe in as her eyes examine me.  She is really truly looking at me, without the mask of anger or confusion or doubt clouding her vision.  There is no distance, no misunderstanding of the words or situation.  It is her facing me and my eyes letting her into my soul where she belongs.  
  
     “We are better than this.”  Callie agrees finally.  
  
     “I didn’t mean to remind you of George and trigger any of those kind of insecurities.  I’m not him, not him in so many ways.”  Callie looks at me questioningly.  “Addison said that George chose his friends over you.  She said that it may have looked the same with me suddenly becoming Charlotte’s friend and then not calling you.”  
  
     Callie’s face drops and then anger flashes.  A light bulb has just gone off, but I don’t know at first if that’s good for me.  “George.  Stupid Bambi and his stupid McFriends.”  
  
     “Uh.”  I stutter out unsure.  
  
     “Addison is right.”  Callie drops into a thoughtful silence that I am loathe to break and yet so eager to fill in.  I feel like the answers are not so much in the book, as in the silences between the pages.  
  
     I think I get to 13 heartbeats before I timidly whisper a question.  “The force is strong with that one?”   I think that I am in the clear and maybe George is in trouble all over again, as are his McFriends.  I’m glad that I won’t be going back to Seattle Grace, but I fear for them come Tuesday.  
  
     Callie laughs a little and then slowly leans in to kiss me.  Our lips just barely brush and then separate.  We repeat this a few times our lips lingering a little longer each time.  It is like a first kiss all over again.  We are renewing our connection, no, we are strengthening it where it was weakened.  I step closer and our knees touch.  Callie darts her tongue out along my bottom lip and I reach my arm up taking a fistful of her hair in my hand.  The kiss deepens and I wish that we were not on the beach, but back at the house.  Maybe we’re not perfect yet, but we’re on our way.  
  
     Callie pulls back looking into my eyes again.  Laughter dances there like the crests of so many waves.  I laugh to see the pure joy in her eyes.  Callie snorts her laugher and I hug her close fighting off a fit of the giggles.  “The force.”  Callie says and chortles again.  “Addison and her jedi-mind tricks.  Where would we be without them?”  Callie pulls away and turns us to walk back toward the house.  I wipe a tear away as I continue to laugh walking hand in hand with my always, my forever, my heart.  
  
***  
  
     The house is still empty when we return so we decide to shower and wash the beach off of our bodies and the salt out of our hair.  The guest bathroom has a shower, and the downstairs bath even has a shower.  I’m beginning to think that beach houses have showers everywhere.  It seems that a lot of the houses even have an outside shower area to rinse off the sand, just like the public beaches.  In the interest of time I sneak down to the downstairs shower with a change of clothes and a need to hurry.  The last thing I want is for Addison or Charlotte to be waiting for the bathroom when I emerge soaked from a shower and hoping to devour my fiancé upstairs.  
  
     I throw on some soft cotton yoga pants and a t-shirt I stole from Callie.  I forgo underwear since I’m hoping to take it off as soon as I get upstairs.  I breathe a sigh of relief when I exit the shower and pause to listen to the silence that still hangs over the house.  No one is home except for us.  I pad up the stairs and stash my shower stuff on the bathroom sink while Callie finishes her shower.  It is steamy and I hope that she is enjoying it.  I go down stairs and pour us both a glass of water.  After the walk I am a little thirsty and well, I just like to have water around.  
  
     Callie is standing in her robe in front of the skinny full-length mirror in the guest bedroom.  I never understood the desire for a full-length mirror.  Oh sure they give the illusion of space in a room, but in a large guest bedroom is that really necessary?  
  
     Standing behind Callie watching her soak in her own image and then watching me intently with her eyes—I take back every question I’ve ever had.  My jaw drops open and so I lean my head down to kiss her neck to cover my surprised lust.  It would be welcomed certainly, but I don’t want to be over eager either.  A little teasing goes a long way after all.  
  
     Her dark brown eyes deepen almost to black as she locks on my eyes that have surely darkened like the ocean.  Callie had slid her hands over her breasts down her sides and rested them on her hips when I came up behind her.  I rest my hands on hers as I suck on her neck, my eyes never leaving hers.  The beat of her pulse throbs against my tongue sending jolts of desire down my body until a pulse throbs between my legs.  Our eyes locked on one another is as erotic as when I kneel between her legs my fingers ready to slide between her thighs and she begs me to touch her.  Our eyes locked on each other, our bodies hot and flush together, is like a challenge, a gauntlet of love that we rush through to get to each other.  
  
     My hands over Callie’s I move them to the edges of her robe.  Together our hands pull the robe open pulling the simple knot around her waist to reveal Callie’s sun kissed bronze body, her nipples taut waiting for attention, and her breath catching in her throat as her eyes take in the way my eyes possess her and devour her.    My arms are below Callie’s and she lets her arms hang open like her robe as we stand here taking in each other.  I’m not sure how I’m breathing as we continue to stare at each other in anticipation.  
  
     I bring my hands up to cup her breasts from behind and relish in how open she is for me.  Her heat against my body sears my senses down to touch only.  Callie’s eyes flutter and she fights to keep them open as I roll her nipples between my fingers and begin to pinch them.  My white slender fingers play over her bronze skin, and her rosy nipple throbs in contrast to my fingers.  I wish my lips were sucking her nipples in but then I couldn’t be watching myself on her or see the desire she’s fighting in her eyes as she watches me watching her.  
  
     I lower one hand slowly down her rib cage and across her stomach.  Callie’s muscles flex in anticipation and her breath catches as does mine.  My hand stops at the top of Callie’s panties.  I bite my lip wondering why she put them on.  I savour how the cream lace contrasts against her skin and run my finger back and forth along their top edge looking up into Callie’s eyes again.  “I love you.  Mi corazon es el suyo.”  
  
     Callie brings one arm up to pull at my hair and neck as she arches back into me and moans, “Yesssss.”  I chuckle lustily in her ear and she moans my name, “Erica.”  I gently nudge my leg between hers from behind and as I do I slide my own sex together feeling the wetness that has collected there waiting for her.  I moan back into Callie’s ear and pinch Callie’s nipple from behind.  Callie whimpers and pulls on my neck.  I know that with her arm up like that her nipple is even more sensitive.  It’s the main reason that I like to pin her arms over her head before I devour her breasts with my mouth.  She squirms and moans all the more and I soak myself as I straddle her abdomen.  Just the thought of that now sends a shudder down my body.  
  
     Callie’s head falls back another moan escaping her throat.  Callie leans into my strength giving herself over to me completely.  I relish her surrender as she relishes my strength.  I love that she can trust me with her body, heart, and soul.  Callie strains against me and I lower my fingers into her panties.  Her folds are wet for me and I wish that my tongue was running up her slit tasting her wetness.  My fingertips linger back and forth as Callie whimpers and pulls at my hair and neck begging for more.  
  
     I dip my fingers into her from behind, my body pressing against hers.  She turns and air bites along my cheek.  Her breath hot against my skin tickles the hairs at my ear and the sound of her teeth clenching again forces a moan out of my throat.  I pump my fingers into her quickly and curl them a couple of times as Callie is reduced to arching against me whimpering my name.  I slide my fingers out of her and begin to circle her clit in a steady rhythm.  As Callie’s legs begin to tremble I snake my other arm under her breasts and across her abdomen.  Callie struggles for breath as she clings onto my neck awkwardly.  She arches into me completely with a shout and then I hold her up with one hand on her clit to capture the final waves of her orgasm and the other under her breasts holding her up over my leg between hers.  
  
     “I love you so much, Callie.”  I whisper into her ear as I adjust position lifting her to place her on the bed where I fall against her in a sated flushed tangle of limbs.  
  
     “I love you, babe.”  Callie breathes out.  
  
***  
  
     “Where did you go all day?”  Callie asks Addison.  
  
     “Well, I had to take Charlotte to the hospital.”  
  
     “And?”  Callie rolls her eyes clearly angry even after our make out, um, make up session.  
  
     “Look.  I know you don’t like her right now.”  Addison rolls her eyes this time back at Callie.  “No.  You will, though.  You will like her.  So I can tell you about my day or it can remain a mystery, but no childish pouting.  You’re going to have to work with her anyway.”  Addison is laying down the law right now about Charlotte and I for one hope that Callie chooses to hear about the day they spent together.  If she chooses to carry the grudge for a while longer then I will be sure to ask about it as soon as Callie’s flight takes off.  
  
     “Fine.  But if she becomes Izzie Stevens?  I’m going to work at the clinic and make your life miserable.”  
  
     “Callie!”  Both Addison and I say pointedly.  
  
     “I’m just saying.  Erica is so not George, but if Charlotte King becomes a gigantic pain in my ass, then both of US will be working at the clinic.”  Callie looks at me pointedly.  
  
     “Jealous much?”  Addison mutters.  I hear it, but Callie doesn’t.  ‘Satan’ I think and bite my lip to suppress a smile over the trouble that has just been bypassed by Callie’s inattention.  
  
     It’s silent for a moment and I turn from the counter to refill my water glass.  Callie sighs and I’m sure she shifts uncomfortably on the stool.  She is being faced with being the bigger person, or at least expanding her humanity to someone who she’s currently enjoying being pissed at.  She knows it’s the right thing to do, but she wants to enjoy being angry.  “Okay.  Tell me about your day with sunshine.”  Callie sighs defeated.  
  
     “It was actually amazing.”  Callie rolls her eyes.  “No.  Normally she’s so nasty to all of us from Oceanside.  She calls us Freaks.  But it was like the bitch switch was turned off.”  
  
     “What?” I can’t help my curiosity and Callie turns her glare on me.  Oops.  
  
     Addison thinks a moment.  “Her loss made her human.”  She shrugs and looks wistfully out the window.  “We started talking in the morning.  She felt so alone and told me about moving here and only knowing him.  I talked about moving here and only knowing Naomi and Sam.”  Addison pauses as if she’s thinking of what to share and what to keep to herself.  “She felt bad about the stress she’s caused the both of you.”  Addison locks her eyes on Callie.  “But she doesn’t know what she would have done if Erica hadn’t brought her here.”  Callie grunts.  “No.  She wasn’t in a fit state to stay at work.  You’ve been there.  Hell, you’ve see me there.”  
  
     “So what else did you two talk about or whatever?”  Callie moves on her tone clearly indicating her impatience.  
  
     Addison thinks about the day and smiles.  I notice that it’s not her usual smile and make a note to look for it in the future.  Callie won’t want to hear about it right now.  She probably doesn’t even notice that Addison looks different.  She had a really good day it would seem and I wonder what she is leaving out.  “Death always makes you think about life.  I told her about what it was like to lose my father.  I hadn’t realized it at the time, but it was part of the reason I was willing to leave New York.  I told myself that I wanted to follow Derek and leave Mark the cheater, but I wanted to get out of New York.”  
  
     Addie sighs.  “So we talked about how we have been living here and not done much.  She said when she first moved here she visited Universal City Walk and the Promenade and that’s about it.  I told her about my solo adventures and how they got really boring really quick.  It was sad, because we both admitted that we just focused on work.”  Addison sighs again and ruefully looks at her glass of water before taking a sip.  “We decided that the most LA thing to do was to go to the Hollywood sign.  We laughed and talked about Goldie Hahn and Susan Sarandon in “The Banger Sisters.”  It would have been very LA to go up a billboard, but neither of us thought we’d make it.”  Addison laughs.  Callie is still silent and I take her glass and refill it.  
  
     Addison looks up and looks sad.  Callie isn’t glaring now, but she’s not happy.  A small light bulb goes on over my head:  Callie thought she lost me to Charlotte, but NOW she may think she’s losing Addison to Charlotte.  Oh, this was not going to be pretty.  I can’t wait for Callie to live here so that there’s less balancing to do.  I have a feeling that Charlotte is a part of our lives whether Callie is ready to accept that or not.  I’m not sure why exactly, but I can feel it in my gut.  We work with her, I’m friends with her, and it would seem that Addie has become her friend as well.  Once Callie gets here I hope that she can have her friction with the dragon and get it over with and be her friend as well.  
  
     Even as I sit here I can’t help but think how odd it is for me to be worrying about my friends and hoping that they get along.  I would never have gotten here without Callie.  I have a girlfriend now, fiancé really, and because of her I’ve opened up myself to having friends and now have two:  Addison and Charlotte.  I couldn’t be happier.  Well, if Callie wasn’t pissed at both of them.  That could be an issue…  
  
***  
  
     Addison and Callie take Sunday to hang out.  I think this important so that Callie knows Addison is her friend.  I want to make sure she doesn’t feel threatened by Charlotte today.  I offer to make dinner for them after a long day of massages, shopping, and girl talk.  At first Callie is sad and tries to get me to come along. She finally relents after I remind her how much explaining she had to do when she made me watch “The Devil Wears Prada.”  Of course I got the plot line, but all the fashion names and stuff I didn’t get.  By the time Callie would pause, explain and then re-wind a scene I think that we watched the movie twice.  She didn’t have to do that, but it was entertaining to me to make her explain since she was making me watch it in the first place.  I’d never tell her, but I liked the film.  Of course I liked her excitement and explanations better than the film, but it was a good story all in all.  
  
     Callie laughs then and has to tell Addison about my label ignorance.  They share a giggle as they head toward the door.  I am almost ready to celebrate my freedom when Addison turns to me and lowers her Gucci Sunglasses down her nose and flashes her blue eyes at me.  “We will be having some designer lessons in Beverly while we wait for Callie to move down here.”  
  
     “Satan.”  I throw back and Addison lets out a low chuckle as she turns to follow Callie out the door.  I throw myself down on the couch and turn on the television.  I am sad that they are gone, but I did get all day alone with Callie yesterday so I can’t complain.  It really is a luxury to have a day off and nothing to do.  I remind myself to enjoy it, instead of moping about.  I click the channels and snort when I see that “The Devil Wears Prada” is on a re-run again.  I resign myself to a dose of fashion as part of my fate living with Addison and loving Callie.  
  
***  
  
     Callie kisses me goodbye at the airport and hugs Addison.  They were fast friends again and speaking a foreign language by the time they got home from Beverly Hills.  I was so relieved that I had been able to just hang out at the house.  The bags in my room will make it impossible to forget Callie.  She figured that since she’s moving down here in two weeks that she can leave stuff here.  It is sad to go to sleep without her and start another week alone, but it means that she’ll be here that much sooner, so I hang on to that thought.  
  
     Tuesday I catch a glimpse of Addison at the hospital, but don’t get a chance to talk to her.  I’m scheduled for a late surgery and she’s out when I get home.  In the morning on Wednesday I go to ask her, but she distracts me by telling me about SWAT boy.  Apparently they both realized that it was a dead end relationship at dinner the previous evening.  Addison was happy that it was a mutual realization, and she was thrilled that she was not sad to lose him.  She was tired of being devastated by losing a man like Derek or Mark.  
  
     Wednesday I walked into the cafeteria and found Charlotte and Addison having lunch together.  They were completely focused on each other.  Occasionally they would laugh and even reach out to touch the other’s arm.  I looked around the cafeteria to see if there was something I was missing, but it was an ordinary day in the cafeteria.  Only it wasn’t ordinary at all because Addison and Charlotte seemed to be totally enchanted with each other.  I made to walk to a table to the side and Charlotte called out to me in her southern twang, “Hey, Hahn.  Get over here.”  
  
     Killer King, Dr. Charlotte King, Chief of St. Ambrose—sounded like a happy lovesick teenager.  Uh.  I looked around like I had no idea whose voice had just called my name.  
  
***  
  
     “I can’t wait to see you, babe.”  Even though I’m not looking forward to going to Seattle, I am looking forward to seeing Callie.  It has been a long tired week.  I long to have her arms around me again and I can’t wait to wake up to her hair across her face and her grumpiness when I kiss her awake.  
  
     “I’ll pick you up at 9, right?”  
  
     “Yeah.  I know you want to do stuff this week, but can the first night just be us and relaxing?”  After the long week, I don’t want to go to Joe’s or talk to Mark or Christina or anyone except Callie.  After I’ve had some Callie time, I can do whatever social requirements I need to, but I need one night with her.  
  
     “Sure.  Babe.  Is. Is everything all right?”  
  
     “Yeah. It’s just been a long week.  I worked late a lot and hardly saw Addison this week. Have you talked to her? I’ve seen her at St. Ambrose, but I keep missing her.”  
  
     “No.  I haven’t talked to her.  Is she all right?”  
  
     “I dunno.  She broke up with SWAT boy, but it sounded mutual.  I mean she seemed fine when we had lunch with Charlotte on Wednesday.  And she seemed really happy at dinner last night.  I couldn’t believe that Charlotte stayed so late.”  
  
     Silence.  Oh.  Charlotte.  Shit.  “Cal?”  
  
     “I’ll see you tomorrow.”  It’s cold as ice, but the click of the phone is like that icicle that stabbed right through Christina.  
  
     I sit holding my phone in my lap replaying the week and the conversation.  I wish I knew how to do this better, seriously.  Addison was having lunch with Charlotte and they asked me to join them.  Addison invited Charlotte over for dinner and I joined them, but when it got late, I went to bed.  When I got up for a glass of water in the middle of the night, Charlotte and Addison were sitting on the deck talking like long lost best friends.  
  
     I shook my head.  Callie didn’t need to be jealous of me.  It looks like she might need to be jealous of Addison though.  How can I possibly explain that?  There’s nothing to explain, right?  
  
***  
  
     Callie is leaning against a wall near baggage claim when I get there.  She’s in torn jeans and a Levi’s jacket that has the furry lining.  Her eyes catch mine and I see a glimmer of excitement, before her anger slams forward in her body language.  She kisses my cheek but pulls away before I can capture her in a hug or even turn to kiss her.  I only have a small rolling bag and she grabs it, stows it in the trunk and gets in the drivers’ seat.  In shock I simply stand and watch her.  She leans across and pulls the handle of the passenger door so that it falls open.  It is a not so subtle `get in the fucking car’ and I rush to do so as I wonder what the hell I need to do to fix this.  
  
     At least with hearts?  I know what to do.  This metaphorical heart and soul fueled on love and hate?  I am less than an intern.  The drive is cold and I’m sure it’s the silence giving me the shivers instead of the slightly colder weather.  I press my forehead against the window wanting my insides to match my outsides.    
  
***  
  
     The night never warmed up.  The house is mostly empty now.  My things are in the garage waiting to move and Callie’s things have been slowly joining them while I’ve been in Los Angeles.  I feel uncomfortable in my own home and can see how Callie is feeling out of sorts without me as she haunts this emptiness.  I wake up alone in a cold bed and stare at the ceiling.  Today was scheduled as a working day:  Callie has surgery and I have to meet with the realtor.  I am apprehensive about our relationship, but must carry on.  Callie and I are in a difficult place, but I have to start calm and assess the situation.  We’ve been up and down so as I touch my fingers to my pendant to start the day I have to tell myself that we will be all right.  
  
     Even though it is a working day for both of us lunch needs to happen or at least coffee.  Callie is not going to leave her hiding ground of work, but I can go anywhere I want.  Taking dessert to Callie could be a good step toward smoothing out our edges.  Doing nothing might be okay, but I’m here for a week and the big finale will be flying back with Callie to begin our life in LA.  We will be together finally at Addison’s, looking for a house, and moving forward.  
  
     Sam and Naomi brought over the most delicious cupcakes a few days ago from Sprinkles.  Addie and I told Callie about them, but we didn’t get the chance to take her over there.  After tasting the cupcakes Addison and I had gone on-line to check out the flavors.  She was surprised that the New York location hadn’t opened up yet, but said that she wanted to remember to tell her family later.  We both laughed that the Seattle location had just opened and we made up stories about Christina and Meredith fighting over the last cupcake in the resident’s lounge.  Addison told me about the cake testing that Christina had set up when she was engaged to Burke.  
  
     This morning I call information and get the number for the Seattle location.  They opened two weeks ago and I decide that my peace offering will be in the shape of a cupcake.  
  
***  
  
     Going back to Seattle Grace is like walking into the lion’s den.  I had made enough peace with leaving, but that was possible because I had told myself I would never have to come back.  For Callie I would do anything and so I arm myself with two cupcakes and nerves of steel and head into the halls of Seattle Grace Hospital.  The elevator dings to a stop on the 4th floor and I can see Callie at the end of the hall talking to Sloan at the nurses’ station.  I sigh in resignation. Of course I have to see Sloan.  Did I really think I could escape it?  All I need now is Christina nipping at my heels.  
  
     I come up beside Callie without her noticing. “Hey there.”  I am aiming for nonchalant.  
  
     Her words aim for my forehead.  “What are you doing here?”  
  
     “If you had time I thought it would be nice to share a quick dessert before your next surgery.”  Callie looks back to her chart, signs it and slams it shut.  “Sugary goodness after surgery?”  I smile at her in hope.  Mark looks from me to her and back bewildered.  
  
     “You can’t just show up here.”  Callie growls at me.  “I have a consult with Bailey.”  
  
     I am not known for my impressions or any other comedic skills.  I don’t generally engage in theatrics, however Seattle Grace has become a place where I say and do things I would not do.  Today is no different and as Callie leaves I do my best impression of a goldfish as I watch her go too stunned to look away.  A man clearing his throat across from me grabs my attention and I close my jaw tightly as I focus on Mark Sloan.  
  
     “What was that?”  He asks watching as my free hand comes up to worry my pendant.  
  
     “The beginning of the longest week of my life apparently.”  I sigh out.  I look at the small bag with the cupcakes in my other hand.  Holding them out to a confused Sloan I add, “Well.  You look like a red velvet man.  Here.”  I put the bag on the counter and walk away.  As I walk away I hear him muttering under his breath.  
  
     Once outside I manage a huge sigh of relief.  I made it in and out of Seattle Grace only coming into contact with Callie and Mark Sloan.  Despite her cold reception, I know that it could have been worse.  
  
***  
  
     I cringe as the phone rings, but I need my jedi-master ally.  “Montgomery.”  
  
     “Greetings from Seattle.”  Witty is apparently beyond me at the moment.  
  
     “Are.  Are you okay?”  
  
     “Yeah.  It’s just a bit frigid here and I could use a friendly voice.”  
  
     “What happened?  You haven’t even been there 24 hours.”  
  
     “Friday night when we were talking Callie got jealous again.  I think.  I mean she didn’t say anything, but she hung up after I said that Charlotte had stayed late on Thursday night.”  
  
     “Was she just tired?”  
  
     “I don’t think so.  She hung up on me.  And she was cold as ice to me last night.  Then she left for work before I woke up.”  
  
     “Was it a big surgery?  You know how she gets.”  
  
     “Yeah.  I know, but I brought her Sprinkles cupcakes.  She told me I couldn’t just show up here.  Then she huffed off.”  
  
     “What?  Callie turned down a cupcake?”  
  
     “I know.  Sugary goodness after a surgery, right?  Isn’t that the motto she lives by?”  
  
     “So where are you now?”  
  
     “I gave the cupcakes to Mark since he was there for my brush off.  And I’m driving around.  Maybe I’ll get stuff for dinner since I need to keep busy.”  
  
     “Did.  Did you tell Callie that I was the one that had Charlotte over?”  Addison sounds timid as she asks me, but I figure that’s because it’s kind of a selfish question.  
  
     “No.  I haven’t been able to talk to her.”  
  
     “I think you’re on the right track with the dinner.”  Addison is back to being helpful which is much better.  Her calm is very reassuring since she’s been right each step of the way so far.  I just hope her jedi senses won’t fail me now.  
  
***  
  
     A decidedly friendly Callie greets me when she comes home.  “Erica, that smells incredible.  What is it?”  
  
     “Your favorite dinner of course.”  
  
     “Oh, babe.  I’m sorry.”  
  
     “Why?  Why are you sorry?”  
  
     “I shouldn’t have been rude today at the hospital.  I should’ve accepted your peace offering.  I want to be okay with you again.”  
  
     “What made the difference?  You wouldn’t talk to me 6 hours ago.  What changed?”  
  
     “Mark reminded me that you don’t play games.  He told me I was being stupid.”  
  
     Silence.  Callie starts to fidget.  I finish cutting up green onions, avocado, carrots and cheese for the salad.  I am breathing and focusing on my task at hand.  I want to be at peace with Callie.  She’s reaching out to me and I should accept her offer, unlike when I was trying to make peace and she shrugged me off.  One of us has to break through this fog of discontent.  
  
     “Erica. I’m sorry.”  
  
     “No.  Don’t be sorry.  I need you to think, okay?”  
  
     Silence.  
  
     I continue.  “Mark and Addison, even Christina they are not in this relationship.”  I look up at her.  “They are awesome and they have helped us to get so far.”  I reach up out of habit to where my pendant should be.  Callie follows the movement of my hand and gasps when she sees the absence of the necklace.  “Soon I hope, Callie, we will have a house together in Los Angeles.  It will be just us.  We have new jobs at St. Ambrose.  And we have great friends, like Addison, are close by, or like Mark, will be farther away.  But we have the possibilities of a great life together.”  I smile at her, but it is a sad smile and I can see her breath catch as she tries to process my words.  I reach out and brush my fingertips to her cheek.  
  
     “I need you to trust me.  I need you to act with patience and understanding.  I need you to believe that I choose you.  Out of all the infinite people in the universe—I choose you, Cal.  Every single time.  You have to believe that on your own without anyone else telling you and without me explaining over and over that you are wrong to doubt me.”  
  
     The timer goes off and I pull the enchilada pan out of the oven and place it on the stove.  I was very glad that we hadn’t packed up the kitchen just yet when I decided to cook tonight.  I fuss over the food for a few moments putting foil over the top of it so that it doesn’t cool too quickly.  When I turn back to Callie I can see silent tears trickling down her face.  
  
     “I didn’t invite Charlotte over for dinner, Addison did.  I didn’t invite her to lunch the other day.  Addison and Charlotte were having lunch and called me over.  I didn’t do anything to make you doubt me, Cal.  I’m sorry that you have been stuck here and it’s hard to be patient and understanding.  But we are not really idiots and I want us to stop acting like we are.”  
  
     “Why did you take off your pendant?  Where is it Erica?”  
  
     “It’s on a time out for now.  It is here and safe.  We have a lot of ground to cover this week.  It will return when the time is right.”  
  
     “Can I start us off with a peace offering of my own?”  I nod and Callie steps to the entryway table and returns with a bag.  
  
     “You stole my cupcakes from Sloan and brought them home?”  I raise my eyebrow at her in challenge.  If she thinks that’s a peace offering, well, then—but Callie interrupts my thoughts.    
  
     “No.  He gave one to Christina of all people and said it was from you.  Then he proceeded to eat his red velvet masterpiece in front of me.  When I was done screaming he told me I was an idiot and that you don’t play games so I needed to pull my head out of my ass.  Then he licked his lips and said that he needed to go find some water after all that sugary goodness.”  
  
     I shouldn’t.  I try to stifle it.  But it’s like an uncontrollable tidal wave.  I laugh at her.  It’s one of those sudden, loud, out of control laughs because I had been trying to hold it in.  Callie looks at me shocked and then slowly she crumbles into the tide of laughter and joins me.  I move over to her and close the distance between us.  I hold her hips and pull her close to me still laughing.  Callie throws her arms around my neck and looks in my eyes still laughing.  We just look at each other for a bit as our giggles subside.  
  
     I take a deep breath when our breathing evens out.  “I love you.”  I say quietly hoping that my eyes, my voice, my body language tells her just how much I love her and want her.  Her breathing catches and she pulls me in for a kiss.  Her emotions pour into her kiss for me and I wrap my arms tighter around her in response.  `We are going to be okay.’  I think as I lose myself in returning her kiss.  Out of air Callie breaks the kiss and leans her forehead against mine.  
  
     “I love you.”  Callie whispers back to me her words thick with emotion.

 

 

...


	10. Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was my first fanfic and I had no idea about word counts back then. It is a bit staggering to see the word count I pulled on this one and never even knew. lol. I have gone through it, but largely left it as it was originally. Partly because the editing to shift present tense and first person would have been insane and partly to look back at it rather like a time capsule in writing. This is definitely the core of how I used to write and I stand by it, even while I am glad that I work with betas when I can and overall do a better job.
> 
> Take care and happy reading!

**_Becoming Okay—Part 10/10._**  
  
Gifts and goodbyes.  I’ve never been much for social conventions.  I haven’t had to remember birthdays, anniversaries, baby shower gifts or any of that stuff.  So, it is amusing to me that Callie has been meeting people all week that she saw daily to say goodbye and give a little present and often receive one in turn.  It is even more amusing to me that people include me in various ways in this process.  As if I care either way if they give a gift or say goodbye.  It just doesn’t cross my mind, so it’s amusing to me that it crosses theirs.  
  
What are you supposed to get? What do you get for the person who has everything?  Typical questions come to mind when I think of gifts.  Especially when Callie drags me shopping early in the week and prompts me to pick out a little something for Bailey and Shepherd.  In a ridiculous hallmark store, I see a little elephant statue with a baby elephant and some quote about love never forgetting.  I think Bailey could be the momma with the baby who will never forget.  Callie undercuts me by asking, “Do you think Miranda is an elephant?”  
  
I scowl at her.  “I’m not going to play this game if you are going to make fun of me.”  
  
***  
  
Foolishly I did not think about what various people would think of when they were picking gifts for us.  The first question I should have asked myself was:  What does a man whore get his favorite lesbians for a gift?  Had I considered this question for a single second I would have packed Callie up in the middle of the night.  It never occurred to me what embarrassing thing he might decide to deliver in person.  I unwrap the sloppy present and instantly want to hit him with it.  Before I drop it, Callie grabs it.  “The Lesbian Kama Sutra Book.”  Callie eyes go wide in shock.  
  
I roll my eyes.  Seriously?  Shock?  This is HER friend if memory serves.  
  
“What?”  He tries for sheepish instead of amused.  “You had to be able to take it on the plane.”  He shrugs and holds his hands up defensively.  “The other things they sold at that store…”  His smile cracks now.  “That stuff would have got you arrested, or at least searched—very thoroughly.”  He laughs heartily, his eyebrows dancing.  I’ll bet the image in his head is one of me scolding security as they try to search me and take away my…  whatever he was going to buy us.  
  
I level him with the death glare, but he has developed immunity to it.  “Sloan.  You can’t turn over a new leaf and then do…”  I motion at the book.  “…this.”  
  
“I know you love research, so I marked a few pages for you to try.”  He waggles his eyebrows suggestively.  To Callie he smirks.  “If you still want a camera man I’m all over it.”  He grins impishly at me.  “I did take a film course in college…”  
  
“Sloan?  Did I ever tell you that you’re a crass predatory ape of a man?”  
  
“You sure did.”  He says wistfully.  “But you said I was PRETTY before that and first impressions never lie.”  He dares to lock my eyes.  Some troubled part of my soul jumps up.    
  
I am powerless to stop it as my body turns to Callie and words fall from my mouth.  “I admit it, honey.  I wish we still had a coffee table so that Sloan could lay me down on the cold wood and make me scream his name.  I’d let him do it right now.”  I manage to make the ‘now’ a low moan for both of their naughty little benefits.  
  
Sloan is a cowboy holding his hand over his six-shooter before the duel.  
  
Callie is a twister that came from no-where and sucks the cowboy into oblivion.  
  
That troubled part of my brain is amused and again words fall out of my mouth and a flush warms my skin.  “Oh, wait.  Look at that.”  I motion to the coffee table in the absolute middle of the room.  “We do have a coffee table.”  I look up, pause for effect, and bite my lower lip.  “Callie?  Could you just…”  I motion down the hall for her to go.  
  
Callie glares.  “No?”  I forlornly ask.  “Well, then.” I snap into my prim and proper Dr. Hahn mode.  “In that case, let’s just order pizza like we planned.”  Callie loses it in laughter and I follow suit.  Mark, amused at our antics, looks like we said we’d kick his puppy.  
  
***  
  
“I think that’s everything.”  Callie beams at me as she follows me through the house opening cupboards, closets, and doorways.  “Well.  Except the bed.”  Callie whispers as she takes my hand.  “It’s our last night here, Erica.”  Everything has been moved to the garage and to the front room of the house for ease when the movers come.  Everything except the bed and whatever basics are left that go in our suitcases.  The movers come by 10 and we fly out by 7.  We will meet the movers at the storage unit in two days.  The realtor comes by around lunch time to sign paperwork so she can handle everything without my having to return to Seattle.  It looks like a new doctor at Seattle Grace may want the place, which I find ironic—the new peds attending maybe.  Mark babbled about her and the name sounded familiar.  
  
“Baby?”  Oh.  I never responded to Callie.  
  
“Last night, huh?  Any big plans?  Block party in the empty house?”  Callie rolls her eyes at me—‘as if’—her expression reads.  I smile and give her a hug.  “Bath and massage?  Can I lure you?”  
  
“You want to give me a massage?  How sweet of you.”  Callie blinks at me sweetly.  She knows I want the massage, but she’s not going to just give it to me.  She also knows I’ll give as good as I get.  “You can’t fall asleep...  I don’t want to leave Seattle without a final orgasm.”  
  
I laugh. I can’t help it.  That’s a little dramatic even for Callie.  “Final orgasm?”  I laugh again and I can see Callie’s resolve cracking. That just.  Sounded wrong.  “There are no orgasms in California, right, just like it never rains?”  I tug at her hand and she follows me.  “I’m not falling asleep halfway through the massage.  I have more planned than a nap, Callie.”  
  
***  
  
Waking up in the middle of the night is confusing.  You have to sort through your dreamscape and reality in order to see which one you are finally awake in.  You ponder where you are and why you are awake.  Was it a dream and your brain blocked it?  Was there a noise?  Are you alone in bed, should you be?  What happened?  Callie’s warm body wrapped around mine like the silk of a cocoon answers many questions at once.  I am in reality, which is better than a dream, and she must have moved because her face is troubled and she’s hanging onto me tightly.  I wrap my arms around her in return hoping to send a message of love and safety in her dreams.  She murmurs, but does not settle.  I kiss her head and whisper softly into her hair feeling the heat of my own breath there.  
  
I roll onto my back pulling her on top of me.  Maybe the motion will re-start the internal loop of her dream cycle and put it on a positive track.  Like bumping the record player and hoping that the needle will skip to a song that you like better without scratching the record.  She whines in her sleep and I rub circles on her back.  “Erica.  No.  Erica.”  A bad dream about us?  
  
“Sweetie.”  I hug her tightly.  “Cal.  You’ve got to wake up.”  I kiss her cheek.  She mumbles something and says my name again.  I run my hands under her pajama top so that my touch can soothe her.   
  
She wakes up squirming on top of me.  I imagine that it would feel weird to wake up on top of someone, even your lover, if you know you went to sleep just fine next to them earlier.  I kiss her cheek and wait.  “Oh.  Erica.”  Callie tucks her head into the crook of my neck and breathes the hot air between us.  “I’m so glad that was a dream.”  
  
“What was it honey?” I whisper unsure that I want the answer.  She was upset in her sleep about me, but she woke happy to be in my arms.  Callie slides off me, but stays velcroed to my side.  Callie shakes her head and props herself up on an elbow to look into my face.  
  
“I dreamed that you moved to LA without me.”  
  
“Callie, honey, we leave together tomorrow.”  
  
“What do you want, Erica?  What do you want in life?”  
  
“I want to share my life with you.  Marry you.  Move to LA.  What’s going on, Cal?”  
  
“I guess I’m just nervous.  All these changes.  What if…  What if we get there and want different things?  What if this is a bubble or hiccup?”  
  
“Callie.  It’s not a bubble or a hiccup.  It’s been 5 months.  Have you been in a 5-month hiccup before?  George does not count.”  
  
“How do you know, Erica.  How do you know?”  
  
“For you I would cross the wall and I’d bring you back that fallen star.”  
  
Callie smiles and lowers her head into the crook of my neck again before she groans in pleasure.  “You’d bring me back a polar bear’s head?”  
  
“For you I’d cross oceans, continents even.”  
  
“I can’t believe you’re calming me down by quoting from ‘Stardust.’”  
  
“Why not?  You made me watch it.”  
  
“So you’ll be Tristan to my Yvaine?”  
  
“Only if you’ll give me your heart.”  
  
“I love you.”  
  
“I love you too.  We will be together, Callie.  You just have to trust it.”  
  
“What if I want something you don’t?”  
  
“We’ll figure it out.  I can’t imagine what you would want that I wouldn’t.  I stayed in Seattle with you and we chose LA together.  I made friends with Addison and Mark.”  
  
“Kids.  Do you want kids?”  
  
“Little brats that you can tell bed time stories to?  Naughty little beggars who have your smile?  Team mates for you so that you can finally beat me?  No.  That’s it, Callie.  If a polar bear’s head isn’t enough for you, then set me free.”  
  
Callie’s face is always priceless, but in the dimness of the room it takes priceless to a whole new level.  At first, she thought I was really saying no, but as she realized I was in fact teasing her for dramatic effect, her eyes went as big as saucers and her smile positively glowed like the star she is.  Yvaine, indeed.  I am so in trouble.  I can barely handle one Callie let alone a mini-Cal.  But we have time, right?  We have to get to LA first?  Realizing what I’ve agreed to Callie claims my lips with a kiss and any thoughts of going back to sleep vanish.  As Callie’s leg slips between mine I can’t help but think of Mark Sloan’s gift.  Who knew I’d have so much in common with a man whore?  He loves pictures and diagrams with his research and so do I.  
  
***  
  
I shut the door on the empty house when the realtor takes the final paperwork and goes to make magic happen.  We have three hours until we leave for the airport.  We go out back and sit in the hammock on the back patio.  It will be staying here for the next owners.  Shirley thought it was a good selling point to show the back yard as a peaceful oasis.  She wants to leave buyers to sit for a moment on the hammock and enjoy the peaceful surroundings.  She thought that the house spoke for itself, but the yard would seal the deal.  I had nowhere to take the hammock so I acquiesced.  I’d do anything to help sell the house and firmly and finally end my life in Seattle.  
  
After a few moments, I stand up and face Callie.  I pull the necklace out of my jacket pocket that’s on the ground.  Callie looks up at me with big eyes.  I kneel down between her legs my eyes steadily holding hers.  “Callie.  I never rejected you or the promise of our life together.  I know that we are meant to be together.  I believe that and trust that.”  I stand again and put the necklace on Callie.  Smiling as she gasps into my cleavage.  I kneel again.  “I promise you my heart.  But you cannot give this to me until you believe, until you know, that I choose you every time.  It is only you and I in this relationship, not Mark or Addison, or anybody else.  I will never give you a reason to doubt me.  When you believe that and trust that, you can give me the pendant back.  Then… Puedo ser su siempre, su por siempre. Puedo darle mi corazón.”  
  
Callie lifts her fingers to the pendant hanging around her neck her eyes never leaving mine.  In a breathless whisper she repeats, “You’ll be my always, my forever.  You’ll give me your heart.”  Callie closes her eyes and I can see tears squeezing out the sides of them.  She is my beautiful star girl.  I hope she truly sees me and can trust and believe soon.  We are going to have kids together after all so, she’s really going to need to get on with the trusting pretty soon.  
  
This kiss should have a Volt-Meter on it because the feelings that she communicates through it could power Las Vegas for at least a month.  Callie drags me with her as she stands.  She holds my face as if she never wants to stop kissing me and I can feel the world slowly moving around me, but I’m not certain which way is up blinded as I am by Callie’s passion.  I trip backwards when Callie backs me up to the open doorway of the sliding glass door into the living room.  Callie lets me go and we avoid a painful crash.  I really don’t want to lose any teeth today, but as soon as I regain my balance I find myself pulled to the ground anyway and Callie on top of me furiously pulling at my clothes.  In no time, we are naked and happy united as one.  
  
Our panted breaths echo in the empty house.  What a way to say goodbye to Seattle.  
  
***  
  
Driving to St. Ambrose with Callie and sharing a have-a-good-day kiss with her is amazing.  It’s right up there with going to bed with Callie.  To know that we are embarking on our new life together and out in the open is beyond beautiful.  It has been what my whole life has been searching for without my even realizing it.  And I think that makes savoring it that much more precious.  Well, that and what Callie does to my bottom lip and the warm feelings that go straight through my body to soak my panties before my work day even begins.  “I love you.”  We murmur with our foreheads together.  Stealing one more kiss and a nose rub we get out of the car and head into our new hospital excited to be together at last.  
  
Dr. Charlotte King, the kick ass little tyrant that would hand Weber his ass before he even knew what hit him, joins us in the elevator.  In Los Angeles, it’s not all rainbows and sunshine.  Her southern drawl can really pack a sting to it when she’s in the mood.  “I expect my staff to behave with a certain amount of professionalism.  I hope I don’t have to be more specific.  Doctors.”  Dr. King strolls out and I’m dumbfounded.  Callie steps after her and I grab her wrist pulling her back into the elevator.  
  
The elevator doors slide shut and Callie levels a glare at me.  “We were in the car.  Erica.”  Her voice has a dangerous edge to it and all of my happy feelings have evaporated into the elevator shaft or something.  I thought it was just SGH’s elevators that were dark and magical places.  I nod in acknowledgement.  “We weren’t at work.”  
  
“She’s proving a point.”  
  
“She doesn’t have a right.”  
  
“Callie.  Give it some time.”  I bring Callie’s hand to my lips glad we’re still in the elevator.  “I know you don’t like her now.  But give it some time.  We can’t be the new kids on the block and cause a ruckus on the first day.”  Callie growls at me, but she knows she has to give it time.  “We’ll work it out.  I think you’re right, the car is ours so I plan on giving you a let’s go home from work kiss at the end of shift.  Meet me?”  Callie glares at me and crosses her arms over her chest.  Then she smiles at me.  I lean in and give her a quick peck on the lips.  “So, it’s a date?” I prompt her as I push the button for the surgical floor again.  
  
“Yes.”  Callie huffs out when we reach the surgical floor.  
  
***  
  
“SHE told me to stop petting you at work!”  Callie bumped up against me at the nurses’ station slamming her chart down on the counter and scaring two residents away in one shot.  After her initial bumper car hello, she stepped away from me to maintain a professional distance.  
  
“What?”  I ask her my brow raised in confusion.  
  
“Apparently, I can’t put my hand on your forearm, or my arm around your shoulder when we walk, and I can’t rest my hand on your leg at lunch…”  Callie is winding up quickly and I pull her into the on-call room five doors down the hallway.  Probably not the best idea given what we are apparently in trouble for, but Callie is touching me each time she thinks of something she can’t do at work and her voice is rising with each new thought.  Isn’t LA the land of plenty with enough sunshine, dreams and flesh to make anyone happy?  What the hell is this?  
  
“Okay.  Look.  I know you’re upset.  But tell me from the beginning.”  
  
“I was scrubbing out.  She was scrubbing in.  She wanted to remind me about professionalism.  I asked her what she was talking about.  She told me that those Oceanside Wellness Freaks can hug and pet each other all they want, but that at St. Ambrose we are not to pet our fellow staff members!  She glared at me and backed into the OR.  I almost scrubbed into her surgery to tell her what I think of her professionalism.  Who does she talk to like that?  She doesn’t talk to you like that, does she?  Except the times she told us together to be professional.”  
  
In the two months that we have been at St. Ambrose there has been a strange peace, where I always felt like the other shoe was about to drop.  I haven’t been able to explain it, but it reminds me of “The Witches of Eastwick” when Jack Nicholson’s character arrives in town and the weather changes.  Only this is California and it has just been getting warmer and warmer.  We have been looking for houses and we’ve gotten to see a fair amount of Addison, although she was hanging out with Charlotte a lot when Callie first moved down.  Lately it’s been the three of us, but work has been getting crazy.  I eat lunch more often with Callie than Charlotte, but we still seem to be friendly.  I haven’t had much time to practice Spanish with her, but except for the three times she reminded us to behave it’s been fine.  
  
However, Callie?  Well.  Callie was mad that Addison was busy with Charlotte and now she’s mad that Charlotte is calling her on the touching issue.  Charlotte has talked to Callie about this more than I knew.  I don’t understand why Charlotte is talking to her and not me, but then maybe she says it when she notices it and figures that Callie will tell me.  I want to keep things okay with Callie because she still seems jealous, but I want her to calm down because this has to all blow over or have an explanation.  
  
“Erica?” Her tone is laced with frustration and I realize I’ve been thinking instead of speaking. I shake my head and click my pen a couple of times.  
  
“Look.  I don’t know why she’s on about it.  I don’t know why she’s talking to you and not me the same.  I’m sorry, Cal.  I just.  I don’t know.”  I shrug mystified by it all.  I feel like there is very little drama at St. Ambrose, but Callie and I are the heart of it.  At least at SGH there was drama everywhere, but we were able to stay to the edges of it.  I never thought I’d miss the drama, but here I stand confused and out of my element.  At least that was drama I understood having watched it go by and having Callie’s insider information.  This?  This is just weird.  “Maybe I should go talk to her?”  
  
“Oh. I’m sure she’d love that.  I can hear her southern twang of sarcasm now—`why’d you send your girlfriend to fight your battles for you, Torres?’  Erica, she is picking on us.  By us, I think she’s picking on me.  She has a thing for you.”  Callie kicks the bed frame like a petulant child before turning her glare at me.  “This whole thing isn’t right.  We were supposed to be starting over and fresh and wonderful.”  
  
I let out a big sigh.  This is not going to be resolved any time soon.  “Let’s finish this week.  Then she’s going out of town next week.  Maybe she’ll come back with a better outlook.”  
  
Callie grunts her displeasure.  “Who died and made you Little Mary Sunshine?”  
  
“Well, if it doesn’t let up after that, then we can talk to her together.  Maybe take the union rep with us?  It shouldn’t have to be like this.”  
  
“Thanks, babe.   It’s just I still think she likes you and then there’s this whole she’s our boss thing.  It’s not fair that we can’t be friendly at work.  I mean we’re not slipping off into on-call rooms and christening them or anything.”  
  
“Well, we did sneak into an on-call room.”  I sheepishly point out to her.  “So, we wouldn’t have a scene at the nurses’ station.”  I smile and open my arms for a hug.  She glares at me and is unsure.  I feel bad that our relationship is slowly getting poisoned.  I wrap her in my arms and kiss her cheek.  “I love you, Cal.  We’ll figure something out.”  
  
“I love you too, babe.  Thanks for calming me down.”  
  
“I’m learning, right?  We’re learning together.”  We smile and share an illegal kiss complete with hands in hair and under the backs of shirts and heavy breathing.  
  
***  
  
Addison gives us her high eyebrow amused look.  “How’s it going, ladies?”  
  
“Our offer was accepted.”  Callie beams.  The first house we were overjoyed about fell through.  We were bummed until Callie and Addison were driving around and found another house they were completely over the moon about.  When they dragged me along I was overjoyed too, but had to point out that it was really near to Charlotte.  Addison looked downcast.  She had been hanging out with Charlotte steadily since the funeral for her godfather, but not in the last couple of weeks.  Callie outright frowned, but looked at the house again and looked around as if to see Charlotte and she shrugged.  The house was a winner:  proximity to Charlotte forgotten.  
  
“I’m sure you’d love to get your house back.”  
  
“Well, it will be a lot quieter around here, but I’ll miss you guys.  I feel like I’m living with my sisters again.  I was getting kind of lonely here in LA, but with you two, forget it.”  
  
“But you had SWAT boy!”  
  
“Well, yes, and Naomi and Sam…  But you guys are different.  You’re not my co-workers, and you’re not my dates, so it’s just friends and good times.”  
  
“Mostly good times.”  Callie elbows me in the ribs.  
  
“Ow.”  I rub my side.  “Thanks for the reminder, Cal.”  I glare at her and turn to Addison.  “We’ll visit a lot.  I think now that I’ve got this friends thing figured out I won’t want to give it up.  Even if you are Satan.”  I shrug and slap Callie’s arm.  We all giggle and move to the table.  
  
“Oh.” I say getting the pitcher of water from the fridge.  “Callie and I have tickets to ‘Mamma Mia’ at the Pantages tomorrow night.”  
  
“That’s great.  Your favorite, right?”  Addison beams at a glowing Callie.  
  
“But I was supposed to pick up Charlotte at the airport.”  I meet Addison’s blue eyes with my own. Something new is in her eyes.  “Could.  Would you be able to pick her up?”  
  
Silence.  Addie finishes buttering her roll and her eyes are focused on it.  Callie and I share a look.  Charlotte and Addison were hanging out a lot in the last month and a half, which pissed Callie off, but now they weren’t talking it would seem.  Especially with Addison’s darkened expression and lack of response.  I, for one, thought all the warmth had been sucked out of the room.  “Addie?”  Callie tries to prompt her.  
  
“Yeah.  Sure.  Why not.”  Addison takes a bite of her roll and chews on it very deliberately.  It is odd to see her masticating so obviously.  She’s usually so demure at the table.  
  
***  
  
The show is fantastic.  We were up in the balcony looking down.  I had only been to the theater a few times.  I liked seeing everyone in their finery and was pleased that Callie had dressed me up.  She was possessive of me the whole time we waited to go in and then again at intermission when we got drinks and mingled around in the large crowd of strangers.  She kept at least one hand on me at all times.  I was afraid that she wouldn’t let me into the bathroom alone, but she relented.  Except for my fear that she’d follow me into the stall—it was kind of hot to be wanted, protected and possessed in that way by such a beautiful woman.  
  
We sang as much of a song as we could remember on the way home and then would giggle before starting a new song.  We were just so happy to have had a thrill of a night at the theater.  The 40-minute drive allows us to come down from our theater high and we are in a gleeful relaxed state as we arrive home.  Shushing each other and hoping we don’t wake Addison we are immediately somber to find her on the couch curled around a blanket fully clothed and a carton of haagen-daaz overturned on the floor at her feet.  The television plays a movie on low.  
  
Callie and I look to each other wondering about what has gone wrong.  Callie kneels beside Addison.  “Honey.  What happened?”  Addison woke up and sat up as Callie tried to talk to her.  Callie took the blanket from the couch sitting in its place.  I went upstairs to give them a few moments alone.  Addison was crying and Callie was soothing her back in slow circles when I returned.  I waited on the far side of the room.  Eventually Addison pulled back and wiped at her face with her hand.  Callie dropped her hand to Addison’s leg.  I grabbed tissues from the kitchen and brought them back.  Addison blew her nose and said that she was going to bed.  
  
“What happened?”  Callie tried.  
  
From the steps Addison just whispered. “Maybe later, Callie.  I just.  I don’t even want to put words to it tonight.”  And she trudged upstairs alone.  
  
***  
  
Callie woke me up before the alarm went off and I almost knocked her out.  I was dreaming about Uma Thurman fighting Lucy Liu in ‘Kill Bill’ again and thought Callie was attacking me.  Or at least that would have been my excuse.  Usually I wake up a grumpy Callie, but if the alarm hasn’t gone off or I haven’t mentally prepared for an early day before I go to sleep, then all bets are off.  I’ll never tell Callie that because I give her such a hard time about waking up.  
  
“Erica.”  Callie tries again.  “I know you’re awake, Ninja.  What was that?”  Callie has recovered well and is attempting to not laugh at me.  How anyone can go from near death to joy so quickly I’ll never know.  It’s a good thing Callie constantly amazes me.  This is way too freaking early.  My alarm was set for 6 and it’s still dark outside.  I level a death glare at her, which isn’t as effective with sleep in my eyes.  “Addison left early.”  I blink my eyes a couple of times thinking to myself, ‘so?’  Callie continues, “Too early.  She doesn’t have appointments until 9.  Last week we were trying to pick a day to go for lunch...  I’m worried Erica.  She was so upset last night.  Do you think it was SWAT boy?”  
  
“No.  She told me about the break up and it was nothing special.”  
  
“Well, what else is new in her life?”  
  
“She hangs out with us and Charlotte.  And then there’s work.”  
  
“Hmmm.”  Callie ponders as she bites on her thumb.  “None of those are changing except us.  And maybe Charlotte.”  Callie looks around the room.  I can’t help but let my eyes take in the lines and curves of her form.  If I’m going to be awake—I might as well enjoy the vision before me.  Callie locks her eyes on mine.  “Do you think she’s upset we’ll be moving out?”  
  
I frown and consider it.  “It’s possible I guess, but it’s not like we’re going anywhere.  We’ll have to keep an eye on her and see.  I mean escrow on the house hasn’t even been finalized yet.”  Callie looks worried, but I want to distract her.  So, I sit up and move behind her.  Kissing her neck and holding her I hear Callie sigh and feel her body relax.  She knows that resistance is futile, and I know she doesn’t want to resist anyway.  “Callie.  We’ll talk to her.  No matter what we’ll make sure she’s okay.”  
  
Another deep breath fills Callie and I savor the feel of her body filling up and letting go as she slowly releases a calming breath.  I reach under the front of her pajama top and feel her shudder in my arms.  I lick and suck along the back of her neck.  Then I settle behind her ear to nuzzle her sweet spot.  “I love you.”  I whisper before doing it again.  Callie leans her head back on my shoulder as she enjoys her nibbles.  Shuddering once again she stands and turns toward me.  Kissing me she flips the situation around and I find myself pushed on my back into the mattress as her body tells me how much she loves me too.  
  
***  
  
“Addison will be here any minute.  I put a roast on so we can have dinner together.  After that I’ll go read up on a procedure for tomorrow so you can talk to her.”  
  
“Have I told you how much I love you?”  
  
“Not since this morning.”  I smirk at her happy that she woke me up with plenty of time before the alarms went off.  
  
We are exchanging sweet nothings when someone clears their throat from the doorway of the kitchen.  We break apart smiling at Addison.  “Erica made us dinner tonight.  Wine?”  
  
“Hello to you too.”  Addison smiles at Callie and then me, but the smile does not reach her eyes.  I am reminded of the first time I stayed with Addison and she told me that she knew there was a lot more going on behind my baby blues because she had her own.  ‘We can’t hide.’  She had said and I’m thinking of that now as I look at her.  
  
“Hello, Addison.  I put on a roast as Callie said.”  I smile at her.  
  
Callie comes from around the counter and hugs Addison.  “Good evening.”  She says in mock formality and this draws a genuine smile all the way up to Addison’s eyes.  I turn back to the stove where I’ve got some broccoli steaming and cheesy rice simmering.  I figure comfort food is a good way to get someone talking.  Wine too, didn’t Callie offer wine?  I grab the bottle from the side counter and turn holding it up in an unspoken offer to Addison.  
  
“No thanks, Erica.  I’m on call for twins tonight.”  Addison scowls and I can’t help wondering why.  She loves the baby-ness of it all, and I can’t figure out what this funk is that’s come over her.  I hope that Callie is able to wrench the truth from her red head after dinner.  
  
Addison asks about the show and Callie’s excitement fills in easy conversation until dinner is ready and we’re all seated.  I look back at the bottle of wine checking its level when Callie gets up to re-enact part of “Super Trouper” for Addison.  I’m saved from mortification half way through the song because just as Callie is winding up for the swirling chorus Addison’s pager goes off.  At first, I am relieved as Addison rushes to say goodbye, throws her dishes in the sink and flies out the door.  However, as the silence rains down in the house once again I realize that we aren’t going to get any answers from her if she’s not here for us to interrogate.  
  
“Well, that’s just great.”  Callie says letting a big breath of air out.  
  
“She wasn’t looking forward to being called either.  Did you catch the look on her face?”  
  
“I know and she’s always so happy to deliver.”  
  
“Well.  How was your day, honey?”  
  
“Uneventful.  I did play ‘Mamma Mia’ in three surgeries today.”  
  
“Oh, I’ll bet you got in trouble.”  
  
“No.  Actually, I didn’t see Madame Chief all day.”  Callie narrows her eyes at me before smirking.  “At the end of the ACL surgery two of the interns did a couple of verses of ‘SOS’ for me.  I hope they aren’t dating or Killer King will be on them.  Unless she only picks on people YOU date, hmmm…”  Callie is directing a one-eyed scowl at me, but it comes across as flirty.  
  
“I didn’t see her today either.  So, I guess we’re off to a good start.”  
  
“We were off to a good start this morning.”  Callie says dragging me off my chair and into her lap.  I do admit that I go willingly.  
   
“Callie.”  I half-heartedly protest as I straddle her and she lifts my shirt over my head.  “This is the dinner table.”  
  
Callie leans forward to whisper in my ear.  “Addison will be at the hospital for hours.  We have plenty of time to make it to the bedroom Erica.”  And with that my half-hearted protests morph into whole-hearted moans of pleasure as Callie sucks on my pulse point and massages my lace-covered breasts with both of her hands.  
  
***  
  
Tuesday passes in a blur.  I haven’t seen Callie since the morning and it’s fast approaching three.  Her surgery finished two hours ago and she hasn’t answered her phone.  I check the lounges, locker room, on-call rooms and come up empty.  I don’t normally worry, but when I checked with the resident assigned to her for the day I found out they had lost the patient and he hadn’t seen her since they scrubbed out.  I forced myself to think back to SGH and wonder where else Callie would hide.  The roof—no luck.  The basement—nothing.  
  
Stairwells.  I had heard legends of stairwells.  George had dislocated his shoulder in one.  The bomb EMT had hidden in one during the famous code black.  I think I heard of more than one nurse sharing a lusty landing with Sloan.  This was an unfamiliar hospital maybe the stairwells here were more for transportation and contemplation than drama.  I had looked everywhere else so I stepped in and started going up hoping for the best.  Two floors above surgical I found Callie hugging her knees as she sat pushed up against the wall.  
  
“Hey.”  Callie grumbles into her legs and I shake my head.  “I heard about your surgery, Cal.  I’m sorry.”  More grumbles.  “I know it’s tough, but you had me worried, Cal.  Have you been here the whole time?”  I sit down next to her my hand tracing gentle circles around her back for comfort.  Callie nods her head but does not make eye contact with me or sit up.  “Oh.  Baby.  I know it’s tough every time it happens, but it is part of this whole process.”  
  
“I know.”  Callie says in the saddest voice I’ve heard.  She uses the long sleeve of her undershirt to wipe her face.  I wrap my arm around her bringing her closer in a half bear hug.  
  
“Want some good news?”  Callie nods.  “We have an appointment to sign for the house.”  Callie gasps and turns tear-filled eyes to meet mine.  Then she hugs me tightly.  “At least you have some good news to balance out your bad news now.”  
  
Callie pulls back and looks sadly into my eyes.  “Thank you.”  She says as she studies my face.  I’m just about to lean in and give her a chaste kiss on the lips or maybe even the forehead before moving back into surgical mode, but I hear a familiar voice and cringe instead.  
  
“Dr. Hahn.  Come with me please.”  It was a question and it dripped of sweet southern charm, but I knew that behind her Dr. King had a whip with which to lash me as soon as I followed her.  What choice did I have?  Although it was said as a question, a request that could be declined—it was far from it.  No, it was a summons.  I was glad that she selected me instead of Callie, but I was angry that Callie appeared to be right—we were not allowed to be human around each other.  
  
Once the door shut to the stairwell Dr. King turned on me.  “As a member of my senior staff, I expect you to behave with the utmost professionalism.  You chose to come here to get away from falling standards and lack of professionalism at your other hospital.  I expect you to behave and perform to the standards that you claimed to value.  I have already talked with Dr. Torres and am very disappointed by the behavior that I just observed.  I take it as blatant disregard for the expectations I have made very clear already.”  
  
I am shocked by this public dressing down.  Weber’s speech about puppy interns is nothing compared to this lecture.  It was not the professionalism I had expected from Dr. Charlotte King.  Of course, Chief King could hand your ass to you if you messed up—that was one of the things that made St. Ambrose my first choice of hospitals.  While I admired that ability—it was to be exercised with the very same professionalism that she was accusing Callie and I of not having.  “Am I clear?”  
  
I glare at her, but before I can open up with both barrels right back at her my pager goes off—a 911 on my valve replacement from this morning.  I focus my Hahn laser beams at her and respond in a low icy calm voice.  “I will talk to you later about this.”  Then I stalk away with my back straight, head high and purpose to my steps.  If she goes into that stairwell and talks to Callie?  God help me, but I will help her hide the body.  
  
***  
  
I rush into the 5th floor on-call room.  Callie is pacing like a dangerous zoo animal and I feel like a naïve child watching it getting closer.  At some point the animal will notice the approaching child and then it will be too late.  I know this and yet I step closer.  “Raging Bull?”  
  
Callie stops abruptly turning to face me.  Her eyes are wide the pupils taking up most of her eyes.  Her hair is crazed like she has been pulling on it.  Her nostrils actually flare as she breathes in and out and the words RAGING and BULL float into her consciousness and comprehension makes the situation worse.  I immediately take a step back.  For a fraction of a second, I hope I am still a friend to Charlotte because I may be homeless.  “Callie.  What happened?  You’re in here like a caged animal and flaring your nostrils in anger.”  
  
Callie realizes that my description is accurate and a flicker of amusement quickly passes over her features but she keeps her angry face on.  I laugh at her.  This is an absurd situation.  Callie wants to be angry, but I’m not the source of her distress so she ends up laughing with me.  I close the distance and share an embrace shaken by our laughter.  “She scolded me over a routine charting mistake that she had no need to worry about.”  
  
“What happened?”  
  
“The patient had surgery this morning, but Dr. King took it upon herself to check this chart.  Not any of the rest that I’ve done in the almost three months that we’ve been here, but this one.  The resident wrote down the hip replacement code when it was a knee replacement.  I tried to explain the re-check process.  She didn’t care, Erica.  She has it out for me.  What does she care?  Of course she cares that it’s right, but the Chief of Surgery does not need to go around checking attendings’ charts.  Attendings go around checking residents’ charts.  That’s how it works, that’s the system.  She just has a thing against me, Erica.  I don’t get it, and I don’t like it.”  Finally running out of air, Callie stops.  
  
“I’ll talk to her today.  Are you still going out with Addison tonight for drinks?”  
  
“Yes, we’re still going out.  This needs to change, Erica.  Or I’m going to have to report her to the union or something.  I can’t work like this.  That stunt she pulled in the stairwell with you?  Don’t even get me started on that.  I lost a patient and she scolded you.”  
  
I place my hands on her shoulders grounding her.  “I will talk to her.”  
  
***  
  
Approaching the chief’s office I am unpleasantly reminded of going to see Webber.  This causes my anger to flare up, which will flavor the whole discussion before I even get inside.  I take a deep breath and name heart related surgeries in an effort to focus on a professional discussion instead of a possible personal vendetta.  “Chief.  Do you have a few minutes?”  
  
Charlotte looks up at me and glares.  “It’s still, Charlotte.  Yes, I have time.  Have a seat, Erica.”  Her words are friendly, but her tone is closed.  If words were pictures hers would be a boxer nodding to an opponent but fists up—ready to strike.  
  
‘Should have been a zoologist.’  My mind interjects as I sit.  First Callie, my little bull storming about, then Charlotte—maybe she’s a really cute carnivorous monkey that jumps on your head.  “I’m not sure where to begin, Charlotte.  You know Dr. Torres and I are in a relationship.  I thought you accepted that, but it seems you have not.  I’m not sure about talking to you since this appears to be a personal issue being carried out in the workplace.”  I pause gauging her reaction, but other than a set of fierce blue eyes pinned on me, she has no ‘tells.’  
  
I sigh and continue.  “I want to be direct and have a friendly conversation with you, because I think that we have become friends in the last four months or so.  I need to ask if you have a problem with our relationship, Callie, or myself.  I need to ask why you would scold us when we have been behaving within the lines of professionalism.  I need to know why you would spot check Callie’s charts when you have seen her level of excellence for the last three months.”  I take a deep breath—well, now it’s all out there—for better or for worse.  
  
Charlotte clearly is uneasy and she stands demonstrating the power dynamic of our hospital relationship.  She is the standing Chief and I am the sitting Senior Staff Member as she called me.  Slowly, and rigidly Charlotte walks in a circle in the area behind her desk.  I expect her to slam her fists on the desk and raise her voice, but then that would make her Weber.  She is clearly struggling to find the best way to have this conversation without being a total asshat, so I watch her.  Still circling, she clenches and unclenches her fists shaking her head now and then.  Finally, she faces the window and speaks in a low broken whisper.  “My problem is that you two are so happy.  I don’t want to see it.  I don’t want to be reminded.  It’s too confusing.”  
  
I shake my head as I stare at her back.  Did she just?  Was this about me?  Was Callie right?  “What?”  I ask my voice rising to the level of shrill.  “This is about me?”    
  
Silence.  I could count the heartbeats, but instead I watch Charlotte’s blood boil.  It’s like the video footage of a volcanic eruption.  Her jaw is tight, her skin is red, and her eyes are steely—and then—WHAM!—she turns on me.  “Addison Forbes Montgomery kissed me!  That Oceanside Wellness Freak kissed me!  On the mouth!”  Alarms are going off in my head and I can hear the announcement, ‘Alert alert.  Evacuate the building.  This is not a drill.’  Dr. Charlotte Killer King the Chief of Surgery and my friend is speaking in all exclamation points and something harsh about Addison Forbes Montgomery.  I swallow and shake my head again.  Someone is drawing really crazy pictures on the etch-a-sketch in my mind and I need to keep shaking my head until they disappear.  
  
“Pardon?”  Is all I can get out.  
  
“You heard me!”  If Charlotte was a rocket then the final part of the countdown sequence has been initiated and there will be several holes through this hospital.  “She picked me up at the airport, which was supposed to be you by the way!”  Charlotte’s venom drips off her tongue at me.  “In her excitement, she lip-locked me in front of all of Los Angeles.”  
  
The alarms in my brain have faded to background noise and the light bulbs are clicking on.  Addison and Charlotte haven’t spent much time together lately.  Addison didn’t really want to pick up Charlotte at the airport.  Addison didn’t want to deliver the twins the other night—at the hospital—where Charlotte works.  Something happened before this kiss and this kiss has stirred up a whole pack of trouble for the both of them—and by extension Callie and I.  If I had known I’d need a degree in psychology, then I’m sure I could have double-majored, but seriously I just wanted to be a heart surgeon.  Was that really too much for me to hope for?  
  
“So because of…” I trail off unsure and wave my hand in the air.  “Addison.”  One word sums up the whole ambiguous situation.  “You have been picking on us and Callie in particular?”  
  
Charlotte purses her lips.  I want to help her, I do, but I need to get a handle on this picking on thing before I can shift gears.  I keep my eyes steady on her hoping that for once it is an understanding look of acceptance or encouragement instead of my usual Death Glare.  Charlotte nods the affirmative and has the decency to look mollified.  
  
“I’m not sure I’m the right person to make this offer, but if I try to help you, can you try to find a way to not pick on Callie and I?”  
  
“Yes.”  Without hesitation and I nod back at her.  Just like that the situation is diffused and I am inviting her to sit down in her own chair.  
  
“How did you know you were a lesbian?”  Now that’s the Dr. King I first met.   
  
***  
  
“What did you do, Erica?”  I give Callie an innocent look.  “That was a pissed off, Addison.”  My look begs her to continue.  “What have you done?  She’s at the house and she’s furious that Charlotte is there.”  
  
“Did you ever find out what Addison was upset about?”  
  
Callie looks at me unsure.  I can see her brain trying to work out how one thing relates to the other.  “Did she tell you?”  Callie has moved on from blaming me to wondering why her friend would confide in me instead of her.  
  
“She didn’t.  But I know what is wrong with Charlotte.”  I want to prolong the confusion, but I need to explain why I would put the two hellcats together in our empty house.  Callie looks expectant.  “Addison lip-locked Charlotte in front of the world at Los Angeles International.”  Callie gasps so I continue.  “Once Charlotte cracked it has been a non-stop interview about how I knew I was a lesbian, etc...  I took a card from your book and played those two together today.”  
  
“You are an evil genius.”  Callie looks at me in awe before kissing me into a puddle.  
  
***  
  
It was a long day, but we are pretty nearly unpacked.  The newest couple of Los Angeles was only too glad to help us in separate endeavors in the house after we walked in and caught them.  Mark Sloan would have been beyond pleased to see the blond tyrant ravishing a crazed Addison against the living room wall.  I wanted to back out the way we had come, leaving them to finish and be interrupted by the cell phone, but Callie’s giggles gave us away.  Addison’s head flashed up.  Her lust glazed eyes open in shock as she pushed at Charlotte and hurriedly closed her open blouse over her loosely hanging bra.  
  
That was priceless, but Charlotte wiping her mouth and chin with the back of her hand as she straightened up and turned to look at us was even better.  Neither one of them greeted us, but instead made hilarious embarrassed noises and went separate directions in the house to sort their clothes out.  Callie sat on the floor and rolled with laughter.  I joined her until she could breathe again.  New city, new jobs, new sights—indeed.  Los Angeles was a land of possibilities.  
  
***  
  
The sun set, we are in our new house, our friends are in a new relationship, and I have to say it has been a very good day.  Callie and Addison picked out this amazing couch and I lean back exhausted against its luxurious cushions.  I hear Callie humming in the kitchen and can’t help but have little domestic fantasies about this house and our life in it.  Callie singing, children running down the hall, pictures on the walls, the occasional party for holidays or friends.  I didn’t know I had dozed off until I woke to find Callie kneeling between my knees gazing at me.  “Watching me sleep?”  I ask amused.  She bites her bottom lip and nods at me.  How did I get to be with such a beautiful woman?  “Let’s go to bed, then.”  I start to get up, but Callie’s hands on my legs still me.  I lean forward looking into her eyes.  
  
“Creo en usted. Creo en nosotros.”  Callie reaches behind her neck and under her hair unclasping the chain there.  I hold my breath, fully awake now.  “Quiero por siempre con usted. Nuestros corazones se entrelazan por siempre.”  Callie leans forward to put the necklace on me and I hold my hair for her.  Finished she returns her eyes to mine.  “I believe in you.  I believe in us.”  Callie wipes a tear from her eye and I put my arms around her neck.  “I want forever with you.  Our hearts are entwined forever.”  
  
Callie kisses me hard as she runs her hands under my shirt pulling it up.  The kiss breaks long enough for Callie to take off my shirt and then her own.  Our lips return wet and hot on each other our tongues telling of a love that will never end.  My bra stays on but Callie must object to my pants and panties because I find myself stripped of them and pushed back against the cushions.  Callie kisses down my neck, over my collarbone.  Her tongue teases at the lace of my bra while her hands grip my legs and pull me forward my sex open and wanting against her stomach.  Callie gasps when she feels my wetness against her.  Her hand comes up to my lace covered breast and her mouth lowers along my abdomen her tongue leaving a trail.  
  
Callie lifts my legs over her shoulders and wastes no time fucking me with her face.  Her tongue thrusting into my core while her nose rubs against my clit.  My legs begin to shake within moments and Callie moans vibrating my wet folds sending shivers up my spine.  Her hands hold my hips firm once I start to push against her.  She continues thrusting her tongue into me until I am whimpering her name.  She pulls back taking a long swipe of her tongue from slit to clit before staring into my eyes.  Her eyes flicker between my sex and my eyes before she leans her head down.  Callie brings her fingers up to my sex as she sucks my clit into her mouth.  A swirling tongue and twisting fingers pin my heart and soul to the couch and in moments I scream her name.  
  
Woozily, I stagger to my feet Callie following with me and drag her down the hall to our bedroom.  I rustle in the bathroom in my travel kit.  Callie calls to me from the bed where I left her.  She’s nearly fully clothed sitting on the bed when I approach her clothed only in my bra.  “Scoot back.”  I tell her as I straddle her lap.  “Give me your hand.”  Callie obliges me and I slip the ring I bought for her on her finger.  “Corizon.”  I tell her.  I had it engraved on the inside of the ring and have been waiting for ages to put it on her finger.  The diamond matches the one in the pendant and the ring itself is platinum.  
  
“Oh.  Erica.  Erica.”  Callie is squeezing the life out of me and I’m wondering if I shouldn’t have gone with kneeling for this proposal.  “I love you so much.”  Then I claim her mouth with a kiss that re-ignites all the fires that have ever burned between us.  I stand and pull her up to face me.  
  
“Take your clothes off.”  I say to her as I reach for her bra clasp.  Callie complies reaching for her jeans’ button.  As she steps out of her jeans I take off my own bra so we can fall on the bed naked flesh to naked flesh.  
  
“We will have a full life together, Callie.”  I whisper against her ear.  “We are inseparable by time or distance.”  I kiss along her neck sucking in her flesh above her pulse point to mark her as mine.  “I am your heart.”  I lick down to her breast circling and circling until I suck her rosy nipple into my mouth.  Callie moans.  “You are my heart.”  I switch to the other nipple giving it the same hard suck that I gave the other.  Callie’s hand tangles roughly in my curls and I moan against her nipple.  I shift above her lowering my body along hers.  Callie writhes below me and I breathe in the smell of Callie, the smell of us together, the musk of our sex.  
  
I position myself and then lower my face to Callie’s sex.  I can see her juices glistening in the moonlight of our bedroom.  I wrap my hands around her hips lifting them to give myself a better angle.  Callie gasps and I look up to see her head tilted back in ecstasy.  Her hands go to her own breasts kneading the soft mounds of her flesh and then her fingertips circling and pinching her nipples.  I keep my eyes on the sight of my fiancé as I flick my tongue out to Callie’s clit.  She pushes her hips down toward my face and I lose myself in her.  The image of Callie riding my face changes the throb between my legs into a clenching of muscles.  
  
I continue to lick Callie’s folds in a furious pattern as my hips thrust on their own—my muscles following the rhythm of Callie’s breathing.  Callie’s hand lowers to my hair again and she grabs a great fistful of it as her body shakes and shudders its release.  My name shouted in a plea of pleasure as I follow her into the abyss—my muscles clenching and my body convulsing.  I lay over her riding out the tremors of my own release as she recovers from hers.  The silence settles over us and when her hand strokes over my bare back I shudder once more with a hard aftershock.  I slither up alongside of Callie ready to go to sleep in the arms of my beloved.  Callie grabs the covers and tucks us in.  
  
“I love you.”  She whispers into my ear.  
  
I murmur something unintelligible but snuggle closer to her.  “I love you, too.”  I say back and kiss her before I lay my head on her shoulder and fall into sleep.

 

 

End.

 

 

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End file.
